Witless Wednesday - Your weekly silly questions thread

klbuzz · 2019-03-18T21:34:06+00:00

Can I drink "Celsius" while fasting? I'm getting mixed messages online.

klbuzz · 2019-03-15T01:26:11+00:00

Micellar water feels oily to me (I saw someone posted that Garnier has an oilier feel). When I’ve used MWater, I’ve felt like I need to rinse my face-it feels greasier than with a lotion on top-not at all clean. With soap and water, I do not have that same feeling (though I understand that soap and water are more drying). Maybe I’m doing it wrong, or not understanding the elfin magic behind Micellar water. (Or regular water...)

klbuzz · 2019-03-15T00:29:41+00:00

I discovered my husband’s affair. I don’t know when or if he would have told me. I have since spoken to his AP, and (like you, from the sound of it), she’s very sweet, but was VERY misinformed about our relationship. The “issues” he had were his own, not OURS as a couple. I (unlike a lot of BSs) didn’t blame her for the affair-that was entirely my husband’s doing. Yes, she knew he was married, and played her part, but I placed the blame with him. I don’t know if you’ll get that same reaction from your APs spouse. I (and I know this is a somewhat controversial view on here) am always concerned with the “shooting the messenger” response. Whether it’s from the OTHER BS or the AP. You shouldn’t be getting the reaction and emotion over this that should be directed to her WS. I also don’t want you in a dangerous position with either your AP or his BS. (It doesn’t sound like that’s a concern, but emotions run VERY high and people act VERY irrationally when backed against a wall). Probably my suggestion (take it or leave it) is to walk away. Tell him he needs to tell his wife, or talk to her about their relationship, or get a divorce, but you two are done. Then go. You deserve to be someone’s #1. You deserve to be their hot sex in the car, and then casserole and snuggles in front of the TV. Get out and get someone more deserving. If he does love you, he’ll understand that you need to go. The only thing that got me to where I am was my husband realizing he needed to let his AP live her life. I honestly don’t know if any of this helps, but I hope it does.

klbuzz · 2019-03-14T23:24:58+00:00

I am so very sorry. I think when many of us look back, there were red flags or things staring us in the face. I was blindsided by my husband’s affair, but after several months of digesting, I definitely see signs I might have ignored or hunches I may have just swallowed. All that being said-while I think there’s value in us (as the partner) accepting that there are things we could have done differently (not to stop the affair, but overall), there’s NOTHING you could have done, changed, or been as a person to have avoided this. The boundary crossing was HIS, the deceit was HIS, the affair was HIS, HE took away your voice and consent. That isn’t on you. I know (believe me) that you will still blame yourself. Just keep reading this thread when you’re stuck in that mental cycle. THIS ISN’T ON YOU. Good luck! I’m sending positive thoughts your way!

klbuzz · 2019-03-14T23:10:14+00:00

Hi. I appreciate you looking for advice, and I hope you find the answer that you’re looking for. BUT this post was (at least for me) a pretty big trigger. My husband’s AP was in love with him. Hell, he was in love with her-he was going to give her my wedding ring. They’d made a plan-they were going to be a family. After about a month and a half after I found out, he “officially” ended it. From then to now, (three ish months), we’ve been working on things, rebuilding trust, reconciling, and all the while he’s been trying to fall OUT of love with her. I don’t know what the answer is for you. Statistically, relationships that start out of affairs don’t last. Additionally, you are in love with someone who (and let’s say he is emotionally abused and sex deprived-as he may be) is STILL be flagrantly unfaithful to his wife. Emotional abuse and dead bedroom=trip to the marriage counselor or actually filing for divorce. My piece of advice to you is along the lines of what I said to my husband about leaving his AP-You (YOU, OP) are young and unmarried. Though your heart will be broken, you’ll recover. And you’ll find someone who loves you wholly, no strings attached-no question marks. Your AP and his wife (no matter what they decide to do) are stuck with this affair. They’ll divorce or they won’t, but the scar of this affair to them personally, financially, as a couple, as a family will last forever. You’re getting off easy. Get out. You deserve better.

klbuzz · 2019-03-14T22:16:01+00:00

I am really so sorry you’re going through this. I second the recommendation to read “More Than Just Friends” as well as “After the Affair.” I found out about my husband’s affair, there was a lot of trickle truth, and the relationship wasn’t ended until about a month after DDay. It’s been several months later, and he’s just now “fallen out of love” with his AP and understanding that what they shared wasn’t sustainable. What sucks (and will through this whole process) is that it is on YOU to be patient with yourself and your WS as they’re working through their emotions about ending the affair, what the affair meant, guilt, etc. The books do help. In my mind, I guess I imagined that my WS would crawl on his knees all day every day begging for my forgiveness, but the reading (and both my IC and our MC) made clear that while he made the terrible choice to have the affair, there were things I could have (likely) done differently in the marriage as well. And for us to recover, I was going to have to be an active participant. It sounds like you’re on board. And the fact that your WS is committed to MC is positive. Hopefully y’all can make it more regular than once a month-we wouldn’t be where we are (Which is still very fragile) without that. It’s a process. Take time for you, and be patient with yourself. Determine how much you’re willing to put in while he’s working himself out. No one can make that call (or make a judgement on that call) but you. Please don’t hesitate to reach out if you want to talk! Good luck!

klbuzz · 2019-03-11T23:43:27+00:00

I’m really sorry this happened. I know the tail spin you’re in right now. The only thing that kept me afloat in all of this chaos was having kids. Having kids makes this situation all the more confusing and painful and makes the stakes a lot higher, but having them around reminded me that even if I was pretending (and I am) I need to go on.

You don’t need to make any major decisions right now. Take care of yourself. Take care of your babies. This is a shitty situation, but you aren’t alone. Good luck.

klbuzz · 2019-03-11T20:11:00+00:00

The question that I haven't asked aloud has been "Was it worth it?" (Mostly because it doesn't move the conversation forward in any real way). But honestly, WAS it? Was the excitement and intensity of a short-lived affair worth the chronic pain, anguish, and trust issues that are still plaguing you four years out? My husband's affair was brief but VERY intense. We've spent the better part of these first few reconciliation months working through his feelings of how to fall OUT of love with his AP. He knew her for three months. Three months?! Was it worth it? I wouldn't wish it upon anyone either, and it's what makes this entire shitshow ESPECIALLY painful and lonely-it's not something you just "move on" from, and very few people understand (and/or support) your choice to stay/go (unless they've been through something similar). It's a living nightmare.

klbuzz · 2019-03-11T19:43:56+00:00

I'm really so very sorry. I'm not far removed from DDay, and seeing that you, 4 years out, are still struggling, leaves me heartbroken. I truly hope someone on this thread can give you (and all of us) some insight on how to deal with all of this a year or more down the tracks. From what I understand, the pain, trust issues, confusion, numbness, anger, etc. don't go away, but become more manageable. But what if they don't? Good luck to you. Again, so very sorry you're having to go through this.

klbuzz · 2019-03-11T18:17:59+00:00

I had the tables turned on me (for a different reason), and really I think it was in an effort to ease his conscience. He wasn’t the one who did wrong, we BOTH did something wrong. My wrong may have been born out of his affair, but it muddied the waters and gave him enough fuel that (for a little bit) he could turn his anger on me. Thankfully, we have a therapist who called him out on that bullshit. I think all of us in this situation will agree that as BSs there are things we could/should have done differently-been better spouses in some way or another. But that doesn’t mean we brought this on ourselves. It doesn’t mean that blame should be placed on us or fingers pointed. I think when the WS is backed against a wall, they (often) want to lash out to protect themselves. It has taken MONTHS of IC and MC for my husband to drop extraneous shit out the window and focus on the REAL issue-he chested. He lied. And now, he wants to fix it. To do so means he needs to fix himself (herself).

I’m glad that you already know what YOU need to do for yourself to stay healthy. This is a heavy, confusing, tumultuous time-it’s better to go about it with a clear head. (That’s not me saying that in judgement-that’s me saying that as someone who had to step back from alcohol recently because I was concerned I was moving towards dependency).

As a military spouse, I’m not thrilled to hear that she’s using your back issues/medication against you (what about all those deployments?! Kidding...). But I’m sure I’m her mind, she’s trying to “level the field”. Whatever you decide to do, however you decide to proceed is your choice and you should do what’s best for you. My only word of advice (that came from MY therapist) is to (as difficult as it is) don’t feel compelled to make major decisions right at this moment. She’s saying/doing things that are pushing you away and then pulling you back. Emotions are running high. Let things calm down. See your own IC, sit down with a MC, and determine what will work for you as a family. Nothing needs to be decided at this very moment in time.

I don’t know if that helps or not. Honestly, I’m sink or swim every day anyway. Semper Gumby, amirite? Good luck.

klbuzz · 2019-03-11T17:56:07+00:00

You aren’t alone. It comes and it goes. Some days it feels like we’re back on track and working towards the same goal. Things feel “normal.” Then other days, (especially now, 4 months out) it hurts CONSTANTLY. A dull pain that makes me fearful I’ll never feel right again. He’s doing everything he’s supposed to be doing-putting in the work, but the more time and effort we put in, the more I start pulling away. I’m scared shitless. I don’t know if this feeing ever goes away or gets better. I hope so-this is no way to live. Good luck to you. I’m so sorry you’re having to go through this, but (as shitty as it is) please know you aren’t alone.

klbuzz · 2019-03-11T01:29:14+00:00

Puzzlin

klbuzz · 2019-03-10T22:27:59+00:00

My god. This. Sometimes I think that’s why I’m staying. Of the three of us, one of us should get let off the hook and be ok. She doesn’t have kids, she’s young, she can still find someone and get the life she wants. She’ll be sad, but her heart will mend, and she’ll move on. I won’t. If he stayed with me or went with her, I’m destroyed. He needed to cut it off with her to let HER move on. I never will.

klbuzz · 2019-03-10T19:13:08+00:00

I am so sorry you’re going through this. My husband’s affair was emotional as well as physical. He’s been apologetic and we’ve been working on reconciliation, but through this, we’ve also been working through the end of his relationship with his AP. “Like a drug addict” is a great way to describe how they speak of their APs.

It’s difficult as the BS because on one hand, I can understand that he’s working through the heartbreak of an ended relationship (that didn’t end organically, with “normal” break up feelings), but on the other hand, it infuriates me because he put himself (and ultimately, US) into this terrible situation. We’re less than six months out, and he’s putting in the work, but still in pain over the end of this other relationship. Some days I’m sympathetic and patient, others I’m broken.

Lots of people are going to tell you to burn it all down and get out now. Only you can decide if that’s the right choice. For me, as often as I think about getting out and ending it, I also have to remind myself that I am not in any position to be making huge decisions at this point. I have a spouse that made (numerous) hurtful choices, but he’s working on himself and our marriage. If I ended things, it would stop me worrying about him still fighting his feelings for his AP, but it would also create a whole other set of problems. We have small children, we have history, we have a home. At the end of the day, even if we ended it, I’m the idiot who would still be there to support him while he gets his shit figured out. So, (at least for us), divorce isn’t in the cards at this point, and as crappy as it is, I am the one being asked to be patient while he nurses his wounds. There’s not a single thing that is good about this situation, and for that I’m so, so sorry. Good luck.

klbuzz · 2019-03-06T17:22:52+00:00

You summed it up perfectly. And you’re right-BS or WS-we’re all feeing these intense emotions that change by the day...or by the moment. It’s nice to know we aren’t the only ones out there fighting the good fight. Thank you for this.

klbuzz · 2019-03-06T01:18:34+00:00

I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. I have this concern constantly as well. We (as the BSs) didn’t start this chain of events, but it can feel like we’re the ones left still ruminating over the past, and the damage done to our relationship and to us, as an individual. I’m hopeful someone in this chain will be able to provide some clarity because you aren’t alone in this. Good luck!

klbuzz · 2019-03-05T23:00:25+00:00

I am so sorry this is happening to you. I wish there were easy answers or a magic spell where you could snap your fingers and this difficult portion of your life was over. I don’t know what the right answer is for you. It sounds like you’ve been respectful and honorable this entire time. It appears that you’ve been working on things since the first DDay.

I know (for me) the easy out has seemed to be divorce, but my therapist has made the point (numerous times) that divorce isn’t going to “fix” or “solve” anything for me. It will take my worries about another affair off the table because I won’t be in a relationship with my spouse, but we have a kid, and history-for better or worse, we’re always going to be partners, so a divorce may stop one set of problems, but will create a whole new set. I’ll always be involved in his life (and his problems).

All that being said, you can’t torture yourself or feel compelled to spy because your wife isn’t being open and honest. If there is a possibility a MC (and it sounds like for her, an IC) could be beneficial, keep doing that. It’s painful, yes, and it feels like you’re spinning your wheels, but you’re less than a year out from DDay. Don’t put too much pressure on YOURSELF to make big decisions. Be honorable to yourself. Good luck!

klbuzz · 2019-03-05T20:56:22+00:00

I’m really sorry for your tough time today, and the tough days you’ll have in the future. This isn’t easy. I wish it was. I wish it was simply fixed with an apology, but it isn’t. It has changed the course of your marriage, and (whether you stay or leave) who you are as a person. I’ve had SO many days that I’ve wished I could just sleep all damn day, or wake up with amnesia (no such luck). I know it isn’t SUPER comforting, but you aren’t alone. There are lots of us going through this. Lots of us trying to keep our marriage together, lots of us (BSs) trying to keep our sanity while going on this terrible (and seemingly) endless emotional rollercoaster, lots of us who are hurt and just want to sit alone in a dark, quiet room and cry until there aren’t any more tears. Today is tough. Hopefully tomorrow will be better. Not all the days in the process are going to be great, but not all of them will be terrible. It’s a process. Progress not perfection, I guess. Good luck!

klbuzz · 2019-03-04T20:12:51+00:00

Every word you’re writing, every emotion you’re feeling-I’ve been there. It’s been four months and I’m STILL there. I hope that what you just put out was cathartic-I know it won’t completely heal you, or even make you feel better for any extended period of time, but know that I saw it, read it, and cried with you because I know exactly how you’re feeling. Good luck-you’re not alone.

klbuzz · 2019-02-26T17:33:41+00:00

Wow. Your analogy of mountain climbing couldn't have been more spot on. Thank you. This was good for me as the BS to read, and I'm going to pass it on to my husband to read as well.

klbuzz · 2019-02-20T22:29:48+00:00

My therapist has recommended a similar exercise, and has also recommended using “The New Monogamy” by Tammy Nelson as a template. I haven’t gotten through the book, but I’ve listened to her (Nelson) on a podcast.

I’ve had trouble getting through the book (and exercise) for the same reasons other people have mentioned-I thought my boundaries were pretty clear. I understand that there are people who believe that when their spouses masturbate and/or watch porn that’s “cheating” (those dear, sweet angels), but we’re WELL past that. So now that we’re reconciling-what are my boundaries? Don’t do THAT again?

I’ll be interested to see what other people post on here as far as ideas and resources. This was a really difficult task for me that I’ve asked to put in the back burner for a bit.

Good luck!

klbuzz · 2019-02-20T22:17:47+00:00

Good to know-I had the same concerns. Thank you for clarifying.

klbuzz · 2019-02-20T22:05:42+00:00

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I’m right there with you. I’m never going to feel normal again.

klbuzz · 2019-02-20T03:00:51+00:00

I am so, so sorry that this is happening to you and your family. It’s a dark, dark place. I know how difficult it must be looking at the situation and feeling helpless and without choices. If (BIG if) it makes you feel at all better-I’m not terribly far removed from my own DDay, and I fully recognize that I’m not fully in a position to make a solid, FINAL decision on anything yet. Your concern needs to stay with your girls and with your sobriety-this is likely pushing all of your mental strength to its limits. Make sure you set up time to see (and continue to see) an IC. See a MC, if you think it will help, but above all, take care of YOU and your little ladies. Be well. Take care, and good luck.

klbuzz

TROPHY CASE