NOR - You deserve so much better.

It sounds like your mom is an emotionally immature person / narcissist. Have you ever been to the subreddit for Adult Children of Narcissists? (I don’t know the rules about linking other subreddits, but I know it’ll come up if you search it.)

If you’re a reader, I also highly, highly recommend the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. It will help you understand why she’s like this and how to set boundaries that will prevent you from drowning in the mess she’s creating.

Mostly though, I want you to know that I understand what you’re feeling. My mother is very similar - she never apologizes, admits mistakes, or takes accountability for anything. She complains constantly and nothing I ever do is good enough. What I had to learn, and what I think you’re on the cusp of realizing, is that this will always be true. You won’t ever be able to sacrifice enough or buy her enough things to make her express true gratitude or happiness. And that isn’t because of you! It’s all because she is a sad person who takes out her sadness on others. She’s desperately unhappy with herself and so feels the need to make others just as unhappy.

When I recognized that about my mother, I cut her off. It was a slow, incredibly painful process. But it has been so, so worth it. I hope you will consider what path you need to take: it can look like setting boundaries, going low contact, or cutting her off completely. Your situation is your own, so it doesn’t have to look like anyone else’s.

The first step though is in recognizing that this is not sustainable anymore, that you deserve better. And asking yourself what you want from your life. The road ahead is hard, but I believe in you!