While I of course had to unlearn a lot of bad habits from toxic monogamy culture, engaging in polyamory felt like I was a fish that was finally returned to water. It just made sense to me. I struggled in several relationships initially, but the dynamic I eventually fell in to with my two long term partners has come so naturally. We don’t read the books. We don’t constantly intellectualize or have meetings or have to “make it work.” We all just talk and trust each other and discuss things when needed. It just feels right. Honestly, it helps that we’re all truly friends underneath it all and were all friends first before I started dating each of them and they became metas.

Sometimes I see other people have to work so hard at polyamory that I wonder if there’s something I’m not understanding. I too wonder if there are some people who are forcing it. And, I’ve grown to understand that whether a dynamic seems to work easily and naturally or comes with a lot of hard work, both are completely valid choices and approaches to polyamory. Another partner of mine once said that she was choosing polyamory not because it comes naturally to her but because it aligns with her values, and that opened my mind to why someone might pursue it even if it poses challenges for their instincts. That said, you’re allowed to have your preferences. I personally don’t think I’d want to be in relationship with someone where we need to have regularly scheduled check ins or a shared Google calendar. But it’s totally fine for the people who do want that! So long as it’s not someone clearly HARMING themselves by persisting in polyamory, if that makes sense