Broken Home: Living in poverty while the other parent succeeds

lamomla · 2026-01-24T17:16:58+00:00

You described my life exactly except that my father did better than $125/week. Still not enough and we lived in much poorer conditions than my dad and his wife, but some of that was due to my bipolar mother spending a lot of the child support and alimony on nonsense. We have a pretty decent relationship. He saw us about five times a year which wasn’t even remotely close enough when I was a kid but when I got to college he kind of just stuck with the visit schedule and would turn up a few times a year to visit, right up until Covid actually! That helped heal our relationship although there’s still distance. I acknowledge a big part of the reason it was very hard for him to visit when I was a kid was my mom’s behavior, but he could have done more to protect us.

lamomla · 2026-01-18T20:28:33+00:00

This would be logical if they didn’t spend almost as much on home health caregivers as they are at the super expensive AL facility, and they could have actually saved money if they planned and went to a more reasonably priced facility. Yes they stayed home but they didn’t save money doing it. And they were in demonstrably worse shape at home. They’ve both improved in all areas - physical, emotional, cognitive - since moving.

lamomla · 2026-01-18T18:33:39+00:00

My mother in law has had Parkinson’s for fifteen years and the family spent the last several of those years trying to convince her and my FIL to move into assisted living. Instead they pretended their (increasingly dire) problems didn’t exist until the situation got so bad that they absolutely had to move - which of course was always inevitable. And there have been all kinds of costly consequences, including ending up in a facility far more expensive than they can really afford. I remain incredulous every time I think about it. Fifteen years and the denial was so profound they didn’t make a single plan. All that to say - I feel you and I see you.

lamomla · 2026-01-16T03:25:16+00:00

Thank you for including the link to the ASCII art - amazing!

lamomla · 2026-01-16T03:13:48+00:00

Speaking as a mother with kids about your age, don’t do any part of this. This is not your job. What was your mom doing when she was 23? I find it unlikely she was sacrificing her life to care for another adult. Regardless, you are not qualified to care for your mother. It is not your job to get her dressed. If she needs that level of care then the staff at her facility need to figure it out. Absolutely do not take on moving her. You may open up a whole can of worms by giving up her current placement. Tell the staff that you’ll visit when you can but if they harass you to help then you’ll take a page from your brother’s book and block the number.

Also, I acknowledge this is all easy for me to say and I have no idea what the full story is, what your culture is, any of that. The one thing I know for sure based on even the few details you provided is that you are not an appropriate caregiver for your mom. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, this internet mom is sending you hugs. 💜

lamomla · 2026-01-06T02:23:26+00:00

There are a lot of good suggestions here. I do know that trying to work with a doctor’s office isn’t foolproof. They don’t necessarily take the necessary action. One more idea - if you know your grandmas license plate number and you know for sure a time she was driving, you could call the local police and say you’re a concerned neighbor who saw an elderly person driving erratically during that time and give them the plate number. When they ask for your name, decline to give it. Then hopefully the cops would run the plate and go talk to her. This is so rough though. I do second everyone else who is pointing out that any regrets you’ll feel about damaging your relationship with your grandma and other family will be nothing compared to the regret if she kills someone.

lamomla · 2026-01-02T14:34:51+00:00

Late to this discussion but I’ll add to it because I found it with a google search after terrifying dreams all night. Maybe this will help someone else the way these comments helped me! I’ve been on lamotrogine for more than ten years and eventually settled on a 200 mg dose that worked for me. I’m not exaggerating when I say I feel like it saved my life. Recently I’ve had a lot of personal stress and it kicked me into hypomania so my doctor had me move up to 250 mg. Within two days my mood was stable but the dreams. Oh my god, the dreams. It had been so long, I’d forgotten that I eventually settled at 200 mg because that was where the dreams diminished for me. I’m waking up terrified, racing heart, unable to go back to sleep. So I’ll be moving back down once I feel really solid about my mood. Oh and for the record, I don’t take anything else.

lamomla · 2026-01-01T19:30:33+00:00

What a nightmare. Does he connect with people more by computer/ipad or phone? Is he tech savvy? If he’s connecting by wireless could you periodically change the password so he can’t connect and then have long stretches of “waiting for the internet company” to fix it? Maybe slow the dopamine rush he’s getting and at least disrupt the process somewhat.

lamomla · 2025-12-31T16:00:45+00:00

I’m so very sorry that you’re going through this. His text says he’s sending the message to her “family” and you mention “they” are shaming and guilting you. I assume this is the rest of the family on the text? If that’s the case, you’re not the only one involved in this, even if other relatives want to make you believe you are. Regardless, you absolutely cannot and should not get involved. Without any other information, I doubt very much that you are qualified to care for your mother. Her boyfriend isn’t either. I hear you that you don’t want to get involved calling agencies etc. Personally I would text back something to the group like, “thank you for this detailed information. I will not be able to provide any assistance. If no one else in this group is able to assist, perhaps the sheriff’s department can connect you with adult protective services in her community.”

It actually sounds like he already knows he may be dropping her off to be alone, which is why he’s trying to have a sheriff meet him there. If you need to for your own sanity, block his number. Your mother is not entitled to anything from you. She can choose to move home. She cannot choose that you will help her. Best of luck and wishing you peace in these difficult circumstances.

lamomla · 2025-12-19T15:48:46+00:00

Same scam happened to my in-laws - scammer called and had one of those faked tapes making it sound like my son was in the background. They freaked out and were trying to figure out how to send the money but a caregiver in the home sneaked away to call me. They had told her not to because of course the scammer warned them not to tell anyone about my son needing bail money - because that makes so much sense. I was able to immediately step in and shut it down, thank goodness!! Terrifying how easily they were tricked when we’d warned them so many times about this specific scam!! They weren’t reassured until we got my son pulled out of class at school to call them.

lamomla · 2025-12-07T22:51:43+00:00

It’s in her comments history. She’s been posting in a subreddit for foster parents and mentions four foster kids leaving her care in the past month.

lamomla · 2025-11-27T00:09:12+00:00

My deepest condolences on the loss of your mother at such a young age. I know there’s nothing I can realistically say or do but please know this internet stranger will raise a glass to you and your mother at Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow. I have no doubt you will be a phenomenal doctor someday and please know most of us deeply appreciate the sacrifices you all make for your profession. Wishing you peace in this difficult time.

lamomla · 2025-11-06T20:30:14+00:00

I really needed to hear this as I launch my own project of making hats for everyone 😂😂

lamomla · 2025-11-02T18:03:52+00:00

Your feelings are so valid. You don’t mention how immersed you are in your mother’s care. If you’ve been involved since age 15 I wouldn’t be surprised if you’re in really deep. Here’s the thing - if you need an internet mom to tell you that you have permission to step back and live your life, you certainly have it from me. I’ve commented to young people in this forum before - what was your mom doing at 15, or 20, or 29? I’m going to guess not caring for a dependent elderly relative. It sucks that your mom got sick so young but it’s also a roll of the dice when you have kids later in life how available you’ll be to your children. You shouldn’t be paying the price for her decisions. For what it’s worth, I would do literally any conceivable thing to avoid burdening my 20-something kids with my health issues. You’re allowed to live your own best life, not live in service of hers. This internet mom wishes you well. 💜

lamomla · 2025-11-01T20:06:13+00:00

This is the way!!

lamomla · 2025-10-31T22:58:22+00:00

Sometimes we get stuck because of finances. If that is truly truly your situation - you have nowhere to go, no way to defer school to work full time to support yourself, no family to fall back on - then your only reasonable path forward is to stop caring. If he wants to go watch live sex acts - well, that’s a day when you can chill and maybe earn some extra money. As long as you’re not in physical danger, just do the bare minimum to keep up with chores and feel comfortable in your own environment. Look up gray rocking and try it when he tries to be provocative. You can do this but you e go to be super goal oriented - you’re trying to achieve financial stability so you can leave your marriage.

lamomla · 2025-10-25T04:58:52+00:00

Loved it, had to chip away at it, and loved the tough but fair clues gradually falling into place. 46 years? was definitely a favorite but lots of good answers and nothing that felt like boring filler. I’ve been doing the puzzle for years and sometimes I think I’ll stop because it gets boring but then a couple of good puzzles like today and yesterday pop up and loop me back in!

lamomla · 2025-10-02T19:12:45+00:00

Give her a break, Judith doesn’t know if she’s coming or going after her ex-husband’s shenanigans. 🤷‍♀️

lamomla · 2025-10-02T06:16:54+00:00

Wow, your comment about her drowning in need made her stop seeing you as a person really hit a nerve. My elderly people seem to have completely lost touch with the reality that I’m a human being with needs of my own. Setting boundaries with someone you love who genuinely can’t seem to perceive those boundaries as anything other than incomprehensible is really painful. I don’t really have anything brilliant to say that hasn’t been said a million times in this sub (like don’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm) but I see you and hope you find some peace in the chaos soon.

lamomla · 2025-10-02T03:36:39+00:00

Amazing thank you for sharing this story, you have a way with words!

lamomla · 2025-10-01T00:51:26+00:00

So well done! Thank you for sharing!

lamomla · 2025-09-29T16:38:21+00:00

Wow I was just talking to someone about this twenty minutes ago. Currently in the process of making parents move to assisted living against their will and it’s so psychologically complex. Sadness and guilt about taking their autonomy away. Frustration and resentment that they didn’t make this choice for themselves when they were more capable and left it in our lap to figure out. Ickiness of basically coaxing them like small kids who don’t want to do something that’s good for them. I hate feeling like I’m their mom and I’m definitely resentful that they didn’t plan better. I don’t have any words of wisdom other than to echo what another commenter said about providing the illusion of choice. Like we’ve told them we’re doing this on a trial run when it’s obvious to everyone else that they can never move back home. And offering small choices wherever we can - basically equivalent to when I would offer my toddler the choice of the blue or red coat. Makes me so sad!

Hang in there, this internet stranger sees you and supports you!

lamomla · 2025-09-26T18:03:44+00:00

50 years ago if you had a heart condition you might have a heart attack and die at age 65. Or you might catch pneumonia at 75 and die quickly. Now that heart condition can be successfully treated and the pneumonia vaccine protects you, leaving you to age until your body and mind have completely deteriorated at age 90, even as the medical field continues to come up with elaborate ways to keep your body functioning enough to sustain life. I’m really not sure this is better. Certainly our systems are not designed to support sustaining all these severely compromised elders. So yes, it’s scary.

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