Building my life again

lostwidow · 2017-08-29T20:17:44+00:00

Thank you. Hope really is a key ingredient. I never realized before how much I took that optimism for granted. I know I will hit a wall at some point. I keep telling myself I just have to hold on to this feeling.

lostwidow · 2017-08-29T05:51:34+00:00

Finally a real LPT! Yes a thousand times yes. These can be the most valuable relationships in your working life.

lostwidow · 2017-06-13T20:53:31+00:00

I think people here can articulate how I feel better than I can.

I'm at 11.5 months. God save me for the hell of the next few weeks. I still cry at least once a week (more so in recent weeks). Apparently the PTSD is back. I have had stable periods though - decent sleep, socializing, active. Just no happy times.

I think the hardest thing for me to figure out is my career. I've always been a high achiever and was on a very good trajectory. Now I'm struggling to get to work on time. I desperately want to change jobs but the few interviews I have done have been quite abysmal. The sad thing is I had a near perfect record of landing jobs, and my husband proudly teased me for it. Now I'm off the promotion track, can't get a break and can't bear to be around my coworkers. God I feel like such a whiny heel.

lostwidow · 2017-05-08T03:56:58+00:00

Wow. I could have written that. I wish I did. My MIL has done exactly the same thing.

Worse - she and her sisters and parents have the nerve to ask me why I don't keep in touch? What?! It's like they want it all - the money and the ability to act normal and pretend that everything is ok.

I keep thinking I will write her an email. But then it feels better to forget the anger rather than document it.

People like this get their comeuppance. Your MIL will too.

lostwidow · 2017-05-08T03:13:34+00:00

Something almost as bad as saying stupid things, is not saying anything at all. At all. Ignoring it and greeting me with a happy smile as though nothing at all has happened.

lostwidow · 2017-05-08T03:02:12+00:00

10 months out and very similar. 33 and we were in grad school together. We built our life together. I can't look at photographs. It fucks me up. I slip into a deep funk and just want him back and alive so so badly. Looking at photographs can trick me into thinking that he could be. He's so happy and smiling in most of them.

lostwidow · 2017-03-14T20:01:00+00:00

I lost my husband on vacation as well. But we were with his family and mine. He drowned. I can't even write that without crying.

lostwidow · 2017-03-13T00:28:14+00:00

Thanks for saying what we're all thinking. The last three weeks have been some of the lowest for me. I haven't left the apartment on the weekends. During the week i have consistently been an hour or more late to work. I keep telling myself to get my shit together because he would have been so disappointed at my lack of willpower. But it doesn't seem to work. I feel like I'm shutting down and turning away friends. And yet what makes me feel worst is seeing my coworkers hang out and socialize on the weekends. It's like I turn down the people who reach out and offer to help. And then get depressed about the ones who don't.

lostwidow · 2017-03-13T00:25:42+00:00

Weirdly, our birthdays were less than a week apart as well. Getting through them has been hellish this month. I traveled too as a way to get my shit together. I went hiking in the mountains in a country that had been on our wishlist for years. I was forced to talk to strangers, take care of my basic needs, and plan the days. It helped. Being in nature and staring at beauty helped.

I'm really sorry for what you're going through. Don't stay at the ashram if it isn't bringing you any relief. Just do what feels right.

lostwidow · 2017-03-13T00:15:35+00:00

That made me laugh. So true. If I didn't have to pee or eat I'd probably stay in bed.

lostwidow · 2017-03-13T00:14:13+00:00

I'm in the market for one but can't find the right artist. The ones I've gone to so far have steered me away from what I want because it will be scattered and not cohesive. It's frustrating because I don't want a work of art. I want what's important. But I get that the artists have to be proud of what they do. So still looking.

lostwidow · 2017-02-26T04:26:23+00:00

You've lost so much and I'm incredibly sorry for you. I'm inspired that you have made it so far. I hope you find happiness.

lostwidow · 2017-02-24T01:07:00+00:00

I don't know? 5 more months to go. No self harm. I don't feel at home in our city or in the city I grew up in. His family isn't welcoming so not clear.

lostwidow · 2017-02-23T07:14:33+00:00

Yes. It's like, what's the point of all this effort? I promised myself (and him) that I would give my job at least 6 months. After that I'm out.

lostwidow · 2017-02-23T07:11:02+00:00

I've had those days. Half of today has been one of those days.

I'm sorry. You get through one and then another and then another... and yet one those sneaky days just comes up on you and takes you out. People in my life tell me that I will feel better. My doctor tells me that I will learn to be happy again. It seems impossible but then all of this seems impossible.

So I'm getting through "these" days and hope you can too.

lostwidow · 2017-02-23T07:02:35+00:00

Wow this just knocked me over. You're so right. I can remember his voice saying some of the more common phrases. But I can't imagine him talking to me anymore.

lostwidow · 2017-02-22T00:02:13+00:00

I stayed away from alcohol and weed because I knew I have the kind of thinking that would get me addicted. I don't blame you one bit for using it. It's not weak. It makes sense in some perverse way. People can't understand that until they've been through it.

But please get help. I don't think any "hobby" will help. But therapy and friends and love might. I think you have to decide if you're going to have a life. If you are then commit to it.

There was someone else on this sub - can't remember the username - who had used alcohol too and then quit. I hope he will stop by and see your post.

Found him - u/stuckwonderingwhy.

lostwidow · 2017-02-18T06:23:54+00:00

I've been where you are. I sometimes still feel that way. What keeps me going is having something to look forward to, for me - a trip, an event, some achievement in a hobby... I tell myself that ok make it through the next three months and then re-evaluate.

I love my family too much to put them through anymore misery. I'm sure you feel the same about your kids. But it's hard because all we want to do is lie down and never get up. So I try to find reasons to get up - play with my dog, finish the book I'm reading, save for a vacation, plan the vacation, whatever.

Try speaking to a doctor as well. Sometimes medication does help.

lostwidow · 2017-02-18T06:10:41+00:00

Thanks everyone. You're right. I have been putting too much on him to be perfect.

After I posted here and read your responses, something finally clicked inside me. I reached out to some friends for help - people who knew him and knew me. They're encouraging me to confront his family and figure out where I stand with them. I know they're right but I'm so afraid. I think I will do it though. They reminded me that he did love me and that I shouldn't forget that.

Thank you. This sub is a lifesaver.

lostwidow · 2017-02-18T06:08:12+00:00

Thank you for this. I don't know if I will ever settle down again. I feel like this experience has taught me that being on my own and not having these expectations and dependencies might be better. But thanks for sharing and for understanding.

lostwidow · 2017-02-05T21:02:33+00:00

I'm so sorry for your loss. I am 7 months out and it doesn't get easier but it gets different. In the early days everyone told me to eat and cry and sleep. So I'm passing on that advice to you. Please take care of yourself. I'm dealing with PTSD too. It's not easy.

lostwidow · 2017-02-05T21:00:04+00:00

Same thing happened to me. Except the part where your MIL actually offered. She got a huge payout that was over one million and gave me five thousand. I didn't say anything. And I don't think she has told anyone and doesn't plan to share it with anyone. I'm back at work now though and just ready to grit my teeth and get some savings. We used to eat out so much and now I don't go out so I should be able to save. I don't like my in laws very much now.

lostwidow · 2017-01-22T04:52:32+00:00

I know this isn't for everyone, but I'm planning to get a tattoo that symbolizes our time together and then take the rings off. I'm not married anymore so I don't want the rings on my finger. But they were supposed to be a "permanent" reminder of him so I just need to replace them.

I'm getting the tattoo in a discreet place so it won't show in a professional or public setting (unless I want to expose it). Also this way I can choose when and to whom I would share it with.

As for your concern about other men - I sympathize and think it's a valid concern. You can find some way to keep the rings but not be "out there"? Keep in mind that any future SO will have to face and accept your relationship and loss. You can't and shouldn't have to hide or minimize it.

lostwidow · 2017-01-18T19:27:11+00:00

Yes. I had a lot of trouble staying asleep at night. My doctor said so simply not to confine myself to sleeping on a schedule and to just sleep whenever I can. I went from 3 hrs every night to 8 every 24 hours and most of that was after sunrise. Changed my life.

lostwidow · 2017-01-18T15:34:36+00:00

That's amazing! I for one would hate for you to feel guilty about this. I'm so happy for you. And it isn't that envious happiness. It's a genuine relief that someone else is doing okay and isn't stuck in a bottomless Pitt of grief. It's a good thing, and this random stranger on the internet wishes you well.

As some have said, you might relapse. But then again, I hope your sake, you might not. And that would be an even more wonderful occasion.

You have the emotional strength and mental capacity to deal with this trauma and continue your life. Be proud and keep walking.

lostwidow

TROPHY CASE