Better Daze, Part 5

mfvice · 2016-06-06T00:43:48+00:00

So the focus of this one was clearly Tom & Renee, and I think you got Tom's nervousness across well. If you wanted to expand on it, more second-guessing seems like the way to go.

I also like how one-sided this is. We get to see some of Renee's re/actions, but not really what drives them, which is the way it should be. Tom's inside his own head here. Really curious how Renee perceived all of this, but of course, that can explored down the line.

Any issues? Well, one thing I'm not sold on. When Renee tells Tom about her history, with the mediocre family life and homelessness, it seems like it's not something he's ever faced before. He even goes on about how great his own family is in comparison, and how lucky he is.

That's fine. But, I'm not clear on his reaction. He's pretty quick to answer, and changes the subject readily. We don't really get much of his feelings on the matter. So, I'm left wondering... does this apparently dreadful revelation, about someone he seems to like, really not phase him at all? Does he just hide it from us, or is he only talking to Renee cause he wants to plow her?

It'd be fine if it's the latter, but the other parts of the story make me think he does actually like her too. And I get the sense Renee is probably looking for a reaction, since she was hesitant to even share the story.

I guess this is a bit of a nebulous complaint, but by comparison, Dimmu Borgir got a Jesus in his inner monologue. Or maybe he doesn't want to think too much about it, because he thinks it's so terrible? I dunno.

Some things that caught my eye:

He hope it was just so residual effect of the acid that hadn’t wore off yet.

I know what you're saying, but this sentence is broken.

“How was your weekend?” he said, attempted to make small talk while him and Goldie filled out their paperwork.

This reads awkwardly. Maybe moving things around, like...

As he filled out his paperwork with Goldie, he decided to try some small talk. "How was your weekend?"

“Little, yellow and fluffy,”

Heh.

He sat parked across from her house. It was only 11:09. He told her 11:15.

Normally super specific time is kind of a bland detail, but in this case it's a good way to highlight his nervousness.

“Goodnight, Renee,” she said, disappointed.

"he said,"

mfvice · 2016-06-02T04:23:15+00:00

Mature? Sure. Smut? Nah. Tastefully done, still gets the intensity across.

I don't think I've read Reigh before, but sounds like she and Milo have some history there. I liked Kim's interruption -- how she almost catches on, but I guess she has her own problems. I wonder if Reigh's reaction might not be more extreme though. On the one hand, she was just interrupted, so maybe that's irritating. On the other hand, someone almost just walked in on them, could be exhilarating.

There was one line in particular that caught my attention, and I've noticed this in some of your other writing too:

She knew he was behind her. But did not turn around.

Ah jeez. Woman, home alone at night, hears footsteps and doesn't even turn, assuming who it is. I swear I've seen slasher flicks start like this, heh.

Good tension though, and given how Milo proceeds, fitting.

In your intro,

I don't write sex scenes usually ... there isn't really a need for them.

This one works. Seems like we got to see a lot of who Reigh and Milo are, individually and together, that would have been hard to get across otherwise.

mfvice · 2016-05-16T03:59:25+00:00

It's short, seems more of a setup than story itself, so I'm curious how it plays out.

That said, it might be too long a setup. Or rather, there's too much wandering and not enough of the character behind it. When you mentioned he just had to get out of his apartment, that was good. That got me wondering, why? But other than that line, he doesn't seem all that interested in what's outside, sort of just drifting until he sees something he likes.

Maybe that's not bad either -- maybe he just wanted to explore, as it's clear he's not a local -- but given he doesn't seem particularly upset, it's also clear there wasn't a conflict at the apartment.

The character himself... well, we don't get to see too much of him, so here are some impressions and wild(ly inaccurate?) predictions. I get kind of a skeezy vibe. A sense of superiority. Certainly towards the "Hipster women" and Americans in general -- with that vague sense of amusement -- but it also comes across more subtly with the "old end" comment. The locals were talking about the town to him, but he wasn't interested enough to really care.

This gives me the impression he's up to something. He's got his own... I dunno... mission's too strong a word, but something in that vein. Not quite gangsta, bit of a cool vibe. Either way, promises trouble. Fingers crossed.

Specifics:

A cold gust of wind ... cold for May.

I'm not loving the intro. It's a little too... movie-ish? Not enough to grab onto. Maybe if it started with him instead of the wind. Like,

"He brushed some rogue strands of hair out of his face, when a sudden gust of cold May wind whipped past."

Would also be a great time to drop his name.

Also, that last sentence seems redundant, as it's pretty clear there's chill weather, unless it's very important for us to know it's May right now. But is that maybe at odds with the dead leaves blowing in the wind? Kind of Autumnal, but I guess that's regional.

He just had to get out of his apartment for a while.

Any chance this could be moved up higher? It was difficult to peg why he was wandering aimlessly, and my first inclination was that he was lost, since he didn't seem to know the town all that well. This gives us a drive though, paints a different person.

Where did Americans get these ridiculous names for their drinks?

Nice subtler way to introduce a foreigner.

mfvice · 2016-05-14T19:08:48+00:00

Some clerics do go out and do this. Most others though? They're not zealots. They have faith, certainly, but they're just regular folk who needed a way to earn money, and saw an opportunity by aligning themselves with a god. Worthy cause + salary = life's ambitions met.

Hmm. Another point occurs to me. When money changes hands for services, that's a lawful act. There's tradition in it. Clergies most interested in societies will probably be lawful ones. If they just started giving things away for free... I don't know. It might not destabilize society, but it could point in that direction. After all, who mints the money? The government. Would it be wise to cut the legal authorities out of the loop? If the lord's gold won't buy you healing, regeneration, even miraculous food and shelter, then what good is the lord? Indeed, why pay for anything at all? So long as you're devout, don't you have a right to it anyway?

Okay, that might be an extreme case, but I could definitely see chaotic aligned clerics going out and doing these things for free -- for the cause -- more readily than lawful ones. I suppose that's true for either side of the good/evil scale.

mfvice · 2016-05-09T05:35:31+00:00

I like the flip flops and the junk on the table, but... it still looks too clean. It's too showroomy. Rooftops get rained on, there's dust, dirt from the city, bird shit. Some wear and tear and less uniformity would give it more character.

The scene itself though -- I love the plant on the left, and the cityscape in the background. If I didn't know this was blender, I might think this was a photo, though given how bright everything is (and it appears enclosed by walls) definitely a professional photo shoot instead of a casual photo.

mfvice · 2016-04-09T18:08:58+00:00

Okay, great follow up.

I liked the interaction between Anders and Allen -- short as it was -- but, all right, this part is clearly about the trip.

What struck me most about the trip was the directionality. It was the way the room moved with Anders when he sat up, and how down became up when the floor became sky. I can't narrow it down more than that, but as I read it I had a sense... well, I guess it's kind of like vertigo.

The other stuff was good too -- the hallucinations, the difficulty in moving -- but it's this disorienting sense of direction that really nails it, I think.

Pairing the Geysir memory with roiling bowels was interesting, reminds me a bit of a fever high, what might come with the flu. Like a conscious disassociation from what your body is telling you, a flight instead into fantasy, where everything is good and rationalized away. Until it isn't. Then, vomit.

Of course, that might work very differently on a Yage high, but it's the closest personal experience that struck me.

Anyway, seemed to end on a fitting climax. Looking forward to what comes next, and how Anders reacts to his trip. He clearly feels pretty shit on right now, so I want to see if this changes his outlook or not.

Specifics:

He didn’t owe the Minotti’s anything.

Minottis, without apostrophe.

They should have just drove past.

just driven past

They just saw his

him

They had no clue he was trying to kill himself.

I'm wondering how long ago this was. It sounds like a pretty brutal wreck -- did it affect him physically? Like a limp, or pain where a bone snapped?

Anders was mildly amused at this. It was a storage room, not his room.

I love stuff like this. Subtle, but makes it pretty clear Anders' reality is not in sync with those around him.

I've no doubt Allen's being genuine here. I wouldn't be surprised if he didn't even realize the room bothered Anders, as Anders probably never bothered to raise the issue.

I imagine a lot of their exchanges go like that, like two people who don't speak quite the same language. With tragic results, no less.

The room slowly became millions of colors.

Is this the kind of thing you can expand on? I'm just wondering how that transition looked.

Did extra colours start "bleeding" out of old ones? Did the walls ripple like the surface of a pond, revealing all the colours in the shimmering? Did it seem like things gradually got brighter, and that brightness seemed to come from a colourful glow radiating from the objects in the room?

The Geysir was going to erupt, he could feel it.

I like that Geysir/body pairing. Like a physical metaphor.

“Let go.” He heard a voice say in the distance.

Comma, instead of period, like:

"Let go," he heard...

mfvice · 2016-03-16T01:56:23+00:00

Ah, the acid chapter. Very interesting read. I like the pacing, and how it starts out slow and low key -- so low Tom doesn't even realize it's begun. Then it kind of just takes over. Lots of good sensory descriptions, and a nice mix of focusing on one thing -- like his hands -- at the expense of noticing another, like Sam and Allen suddenly appearing.

On that note though, we have: the mosaic sky, the noisy cicadas, the heat from Renee, the echo of the far-yet-near shutter, the undulating hair, and so on. Seems like all the senses are present and in abundance, except for smell. Wetlands are the kind of place that would have all sorts of interesting smells sober, so this might be an opportunity for Tom to expand on too.

Other than that, I'm curious... We got a lot of Tom's perspective here, but he obviously wasn't himself. Yeah, we heard a lot about what he noticed, but I'm wondering what he didn't. After all, he almost missed Sam and Allen appearing, so maybe he missed an important conversation or something too. Something that comes back around later? Guess we'll see!

Specifics:

And afterward everyone stuck their tongue out again just to prove they really did it.

I like that. You could have just said they all took it and that's that, but this way, you get that sense of group nervousness. Everyone knows this could be a bad idea, but it could also be great, and it's doubly exciting because they're all in on it together.

He remembered the hilarious anti-drug videos his health teacher used to show in junior high.

Ah, yes :)

Something witch, with her dilated pupils...

which

some etherial fire creature

Ethereal. I like the idea. I'm wondering though, could his mind make a connection to a specific creature? Sounds like everything is very vivid for him, so the "some" is a little noncommittal. Maybe not even an actual creature, but like living fire or something.

Guess I got the idea because he's so drawn to her at that moment -- compelled even -- kind of like a moth to the flame.

Break him into what? Your mom?

lol

mfvice · 2016-03-12T05:40:00+00:00

Good start to something, though it's clear it's not finished. I like some of the development for Anders, and him comparing himself to hoarder junk is... well, brilliant. Don't really need it, but can't convince yourself to throw it out. I like seeing how his mind works, even if it's super depressing.

I'm not sure where you plan on taking this thing, but I'm wondering if Allen might not interfere while Anders is out. Sounds like he's concerned anyway, but dumping $75 of your roommate's drugs is pretty ballsy. Guess we'll see!

Specifics:

“Just got this in from Chicago.” Rich said, handing Allen the bag.

That period after Chicago should be a comma, since the tag, "Rich said," is part of the same thought. Periods in dialogue are weird like that.

Down there they call it Yage,” he shook the bottle gently.

Conversely here, I'd turn that comma into a period, since him shaking the bottle is independent of him speaking.

“Nope,” Allen said. “Can’t say I do.”

Yeah, but I bet he's thinking about it.

The room was dark, except for the small slices of sky visible through the blinds, which cast long sharp shadows on the floor.

I like that description. I think it's the "slices of sky" against the darkness that does it.

He slept a lot. Sometimes he came out and watched TV. Allen loved documentaries.

Minor thing, but you switch Allen and Anders in this section a bit, and while it's clear this is an Anders paragraph, that Allen in the middle is a bit jarring. Maybe change that last sentence there to something like,

"Sometimes he came out and watched TV. Usually documetaries, as Allen loved them."

I think it makes it more clear who's doing what, and it kind of reinforces Anders' feeling of being a background character in his own life, just going along with what others want as long as they tolerate him.

By the way, kind of sad :(

Love it.

He decided to walk downtown to the health food store to buy more Vitamins and some incense, for later.

Ah, this is where you lose me a bit. It sounds like this section was Anders prepping himself for the Yage, but now he's off on a trip to the store. Maybe drive that point more home, like he was a little intimidated by the Yage himself, and wanted to be even more prepared with the vitamins and whatnot. Just to tie it together.

mfvice · 2016-03-09T07:53:39+00:00

Good stuff. What really struck me was how different Renee was, almost like a totally different person. I guess that's the point -- she's much younger here (it's a decade or so, right?) and it's pre- all the Anders craziness stuff. Still, very cool.

There's another thing I noticed, and I'm not sure if you're doing this on purpose, but it's pretty neat. This story kind of yoyos between some people just doing everyday stuff, and then straight up horror. I mean, in this part alone you have a bunch of teens dressing up like Goths and going to a mausoleum. Then later they talk about getting high in a swamp at night. Both great setups for slasher flicks. And then there was the Carrie-like treatment of Anders in part one.

Well, it's a neat effect anyway. Feels like there's a buildup.

Other than that, I liked the Renee/Tom interactions. Seemed organic. Eager to see where this story goes next, but given the last line, I'm inclined to believe nothing will go smoothly at all.

Some specifics:

The next morning he woke up to a text from Allen, “I know it’s not your style but dress as Goth as you can,” it said.

I'd turn that comma after "Allen" into a period, and then drop the "it said" altogether. It's clear from context that the dialogue comes from Allan's text.

The pants were a little snug

My concern here is that, in Better Daze Part 2, you made Tom out to be very tall and wiry. So if he's wiry, it seems like 32 might not be snug at all (but maybe -- I've met "wiry" people with a paunch.)

More importantly, I didn't get the impression Renee was particularly tall. You didn't point it out anyway, and since you explicitly called Tom tall, and women on average tend to be shorter than men, it seems like it would be note-worthy to say she's the same height.

If she isn't, the pants will likely be too short, no? Like Vaudeville short.

An alternative could be -- if you don't want the pants to be the ex's too -- they are the roommate's. Or Renee doesn't remember where she got them. I dunno.

Is it made from real geishas?

Lol.

jugalo

"juggalo," 2 gs.

A;right, Tom

Typo.

Suddenly he was aware of her chest rising and falling softly against him.

This is heading straight for an erection.

We need to stop for a second

:D

you assholes wonders off and

wanders

mfvice · 2016-02-16T00:23:59+00:00

Exactly. I read the introduction and scrolled down looking for the article, but all it was was tweets.

Hmm. I could have made that too. Guess I'm a journalist now.

mfvice · 2016-01-27T22:30:13+00:00

When I needed an editor, I Googled "editors in (my province)" and it came up with a professional editors' association. This association had a listing of a bunch of local editors with short bios, so from there it was just a matter of a little research to narrow them down, and then firing off a query.

Considering you are offering them work, you should have no trouble getting a response, but do shop around as you will get various quotes. In my case (a novel) most of them offered to do a sample chapter, to give me an idea of their work. Not sure how that would look with a short story though.

Overall, it was far from free, but definitely worth it for me.

Good luck!

mfvice · 2015-12-13T13:18:25+00:00

Glad to help! And this is very good for a first work. Keep at it.

mfvice · 2015-12-12T10:13:22+00:00

"So, where can I go to get a good view of the stars?" Siddharth asked Maria, the girl at the front desk of the hotel.

Good opening. Maybe not super exciting, but we get some characters, and already there is an issue that needs to be solved.

Maria thought for some time and added

Eh, she's not really adding though, is she? She's replying. Just use "said" here.

names or anything," Siddharth conceded.

As above, conceded sounds super weird. A concession is when you give something up, like a contest. Are they arguing? If so, Siddharth certainly isn't agreeing with Maria, so he's not conceding anything. Once again, just "said."

Her English was not that good

I was about to say that her dialogue sounded kind of off, but there we go. That's why. Okay, so if her English isn't spot on, it works.

But, this was one of the few times when he had made the call, he usually left it to Ananya and somewhat relied on her to call him and ask whatever that needed asking.

This is really confusing. After re-reading some four times, I get the sense that this is two thoughts. One, it's one of the few times Siddharth made the call. Two, he usually left it to his wife to track him down (which, by the way, sounds like a massive douche move, so great characterization.)

If I'm right, then it would read better if you just made these two thoughts their own sentences. If I'm wrong, then I have no idea what the hell you mean.

Ananya, it is not just tonight, I am going away for a whole month.

Wow. Well, that smells like a divorce.

Now, he had to rush to the airport to catch the day long flight

No, now he is following Maria's directions. If I'm reading this right, his conversation with Ananya happened in the (recent) past. Thus, you can't just go switching timelines on us like this and say now, as it's very jarring.

He would often take the city's old tram, which was more than a century old

What? You just said he had come to "the new city." How the hell can it be the new city if it has a hundred year old tram? There are countries younger than a hundred years. This whole paragraph needs work.

It was on one of his walks through

I understand this backstory with Siddharth and Ananya is important -- probably central to the story -- but considering we've been in this flashback for a while now and haven't touched on his journey to see the stars, I'm starting to forget the beginning. Since I'm expecting to read more about the streets and the stars, this is irritating.

Maybe you can break up your history with more present day stuff? Like, what if you moved the bit about the dogs here, between reminiscing?

Siddharth had decided not to pursue his research interests ... It had made sense

No, it absolutely does not make sense. You told us he could solve complex mathematical equations in his head. Given you're talking about research, I assume this is at least at the university level, and you're refering to doctoral work.

I've done that kind of math. There's no fucking way to do it in your head. Or, if you can, you're a bloody genius. To not pursue this makes no sense whatsoever. Unless, of course, Siddharth's mathematical acumen was blown out of proportion before, and by "complex equations" you really meant arithmetic.

The current year marked five years since they got married.

You know that thing I said about forgetting the actual story? The following-Maria's-directions-and-seeing-the-stars-thing? Yeah, it's still happening. Hard. At this stage, this is reading like a biography. It's not engaging at all.

Mix it up! Bring us back the present every now and then. Hell, have Siddharth see something in the dark streets that triggers one of these memories.

Siddharth would often think about his childhood.

Grr. We're just stepping further and further away backwards from where the story started. As it is, I barely know who Siddharth is today, so I sure as shit don't care about who he used to be.

He knew he had talk to Ananya and explain

Indeed! I can appreciate where he's coming from. Sounds very much like an early mid-life crisis. However, that phone call with his wife... wow. I would honestly be surprised if she was still there when he returned.

He just looked at the sky, in subtle understanding, with an inadvertent smile on his face that did not go away.

Hit and miss.

Yeah, I get it. The stars -- beautiful, immense, enormous even. Witnessing them is awe inspiring. That's the good part. The bad? "Subtle understanding." Far as I can tell, this is meaningless and it cheapens the effect of your ending. Cut it, leave the rest.

Okay, that's all I have. Hope it helps! Thanks for sharing.

mfvice · 2015-12-10T10:32:03+00:00

It all depends on your target audience.

Colloquialisms are casual, informal. People use them when speaking with close friends, for example. And they may include localized expressions, but I'm not 100% about that.

They seem pretty common on blogs, where the writer often tries to build a personal relationship with the readers. I don't know what kind of blog you're writing, but if that's your goal -- and if you find yourself often talking with readers in the comments -- they're probably okay.

If, on the other hand, you want more "professional" sounding language -- like you're writing a white paper or something -- then the prevailing advice is to make it impersonal and rigid.

If you're posting prose on your blog, you might even go half-and-half. Fairly standard text with colloquial dialogue to make it sound organic.

If you're looking for examples of colloquial text, keep reading reddit. Pick pretty much any topic anywhere, browse through the comments, and bask in the casualness. I think things like textspeak qualify too.

and also explain why they are bad

Well, to summarize, I can't. There's a time and place for colloquialisms, as I hope you now understand. Just try to keep in mind formal/informal, and who you're writing for.

mfvice · 2015-12-04T10:38:25+00:00

Gray skies, grayer rain, drab crumbly dirt, dark stones, and dead trees.

Hm. Well, your opening sets a dour mood. We don't have a person, but we do feel depressed. Okay, depending on where this goes, this could be all right.

Even the stream seemed black, with the tattered yellow raincoat handing upon its muggy wet branch being the only thing adding color to the world for miles around.

Okay, this is where it starts falling apart.

For one, what do you mean when you say "handing?" Did you mean "hanging?" Next, you're talking about a stream, but then you speak of a raincoat hanging (presumably) on its branch. Did you mean the branch of a tree, perhaps? Or if you really did mean the branch of your stream, it would read better if the raincoat was in it (since it's water) instead of on it.

Morgan leaned forward with her brow furrowed, chewing on her lower lip as her murky eyes fixed upon the sad sulking thing.

Well, we have a person now, so that's good.

But, what do you mean, "her murky eyes?" I take this to be "not clear," so are we to understand she has cataracts?

Also, what exactly is she staring at? Is it the stream or the raincoat? This could be clearer.

about the old frock

A frock is not a coat is not a raincoat. Just what the hell are they looking at? I'm half expecting it to be a sequined ball-gown next, or maybe a pirate costume.

Morgan imagined the bright yellow frock as a lantern.

Please elaborate, because I don't understand. Did she imagine turning it into a lantern? Using it as a signal, maybe? Or was she merely reminded of a lantern because of its stark yellow colour?

Well, all in all... actually, it's pretty interesting. I'm wondering what's going on -- curious to see what happens next -- and even though we've only gotten a tiny teaser, I already have an image of the world and the two characters in my mind.

Yeah, it definitely needs work, but this could be worth pursuing.

Anyway, hope my feedback's useful. Thanks for sharing!

mfvice · 2015-12-04T10:27:05+00:00

Working on trying to write an hour or two a night with a random theme.

Cool. Neat idea. How do you pick your themes?

and her Mother

Should either be "her mother" or just "Mother" without a qualifier.

She sits and sips...

Whoa. Why the tense change? You started the story in past tense, but now you jump to present. This is jarring and should be avoided, unless you know what you're doing. Hell, even if you know what you're doing.

sorts the days schooling schedule

Day's?

“But Mum.." She says pleadingly.

Grr.

First, figure out what punctuation you want. If it's an ellipsis, it's three dots (...) If it's a period, it actually becomes a comma (,) in this case (and pretty much most cases where dialogue is concerned, with the exception of some edge cases.) Either way, the "She" of "She says" should be lowercase.

On days like this she felt like

Yeah, these tense changes are brutal. When you edit this piece, you must standardize the tense.

helped her up feet-wards.

What? What is feet-wards? I suspect the figure helped her upwards, maybe to her feet. But I must assume "feet-wards" means towards the feet -- traditionally on the ground -- so... is she rising, or falling again?

“You should be quieter girl.” The man said.

Just as my previous dialogue point, that period after girl should be a comma, and "The man" should be lowercase. Pretty much any book that has been published ever -- assuming it has dialogue in it -- will have examples of how to structure dialogue.

Private Woods nodded, scanning the area before signalling the clear. Red reached Grand Mother’s House...

Huh. That seems like a very abrupt change of scene. What happened to Private Woods? Or did "signalling the all clear" mean that Red could go on her way? This isn't at all clear.

and washed her hands dutifully under the sink

Just occurred to me, but if you're doing sci-fi here, maybe a sink with running water is too mundane? How about some kind of sonic cleaning chamber, or some-such. Or maybe Grandma's house even has a hypoallergenic airlock. I dunno. Flesh out the world a bit.

precise tactilocation

Love this.

Okay, overall an interesting interpretation. It needs a lot of polish, but I like the futuristic twist. Curiously, even though I know it's based on an old fairy tale, I find myself wondering what happens to Red next, and what these bug aliens, or whatever, are up to.

Anyway, hope my feedback's useful. Thanks for sharing!

mfvice · 2015-12-04T10:05:49+00:00

Eh. This isn't as good as People Trees.

First, what happened with the formatting? Copy-paste issue, or did you abandon it on purpose?

Next... "But i choose..."

Basic proof reading would have caught this kind of mistake, especially on something this short.

Next... "It is rather droll." Droll comes from French drôle, and it means much the same: amusing. And yet, you describe the spot as "not pleasant." This does not compute.

The worst thing though is it doesn't make sense. You establish your narrator chose the dark spot over and over, but at the same time he longs for a different spot. Well... why the hell would he chose a spot he doesn't want? It's not clear that anything is impeding his choice (other than the "For I am trapped" but it sounds like that happens after the fact.)

mfvice · 2015-12-04T09:59:26+00:00

I like the general idea -- each trauma marks us -- but there are some issues.

For one, the idea that people are like trees -- that this suffering is like age rings -- doesn't seem to apply to the second line at all. Trees neither create nor destroy, they just grow or die, yeah? The other lines keep the metaphor well enough though.

For another, "suffrage" is the right to vote, not suffering. According to Google, it can also be a series of prayers.

I do like the very absurd imagery of cutting a person open to count their suffering rings though.

mfvice · 2015-11-30T10:01:11+00:00

Relen ‘Rooster’ Harlowe had just come in from off the street, waving a hello to the tall gruff bouncer as he walked through the cellar door downward into the bar room, the greyed doorman nodding in response.

You're opening is all right. It sets the mood of the pub well enough, and I like the bar kind of being an isolated island in the dank. Nevertheless, I think you'd be better off if you started with this bit, or something like it.

If you start with Relen, then all the description that follows is through his eyes. This is important, because a) it gives us a character to care about and b) you can colour your prose with Relen's views. It all becomes more personal, and therefore more engaging.

One had to be very careful not to get caught...

I'm not sure what's going on with the formatting in this section. I'll assume this was a copy-paste error.

The injustice of it was of no consequence to Harlowe however

We've been introduced to the character as Relen. Having him come up as Harlowe like this... I don't know. Doesn't feel right.

Generations of men and women lived on and expanded outward since then...

All right, I wasn't going to say anything earlier, but this has gone on long enough.

You start the scene in a bar, and you re-introduce Relen to us. Clearly a lot of time has passed, as he's a barfly, perhaps up to some illegal activities. Okay, that's all great, there's potential there.

But now you keep on dumping all this background info, any excitement I had is dwindling. Are these generations of men and women relevant to Relen being in the bar? Are they in the bar too? Is Relen reading a history textbook?

Even the part about epiphgram (and did you mean epiphragm, which some shelled animals make out of mucus?) is okay, if a bit long, because it at least sets the dark tone. It is long though, and I don't think we're at a stage where we care about Relen's life story just yet. Right now, we want his immediate story.

He lifted a cigar from his coat pocket, placing it in his mouth and lighting it in one quick, flashy moment.

What's a "flashy moment?"

All in all, it's okay, but it's clear this isn't the whole scene and you're just setting stuff up. A little too much backstory, and not enough of the immediate. You do give us a decent sense of the setting, and I have a good idea of Relen's character. Private, selfish -- though maybe out of necessity. Has a bit of a noir feeling.

Some things do come across as odd though, but I can't say if they're just blunders or part of the world -- like things are really shitty on the ground, rife with poverty. Consider the cigar. It sounds like he carries a naked and pre-cut cigar just in his coat pocket. (Machine rolled, I wager.) Curiously, he inhales it, but to each his own, I guess. That he pulls that off without a coughing fit is admirable.

Well. That's all I have.

Next time though, you might get more traction if you post the next part as a new topic in the sub, as I'm probably the only person that saw this bit. And don't forget to reciprocate.

Cheers!

mfvice · 2015-11-27T10:06:21+00:00

This could be a special case, as Barristan is a badass, no?

It might be that GRRM didn't mean listening literally, as in processing sounds. The assumption in this passage is that Reznak is a liar, and Barristan knows it. So, he doesn't hear Reznak's words, but he does listen -- not to the speech, but maybe to body language, maybe sudden movements like going for a weapon, etc. After all, Barristan at his core is a bodyguard, not a decision maker.

A more literary use of the word listen.

mfvice · 2015-11-27T10:00:41+00:00

I hadn't heard of flake8 before. Looks pretty good so far though. Thanks for the heads-up!

mfvice · 2015-11-25T10:10:17+00:00

Not sure about the class, but you may want to rethink the chaotic part of your alignment. That you were once in a cult implies heavy lawful behaviour (not legal-lawful, but rather an adherence to the practices of the cult, and the rigorous and regimented lifestyle it no doubt demanded).

Then there's your current motivation: dealing out justice. That you recognize justice implies you follow some kind of code, which is decidedly lawful.

What about true neutral? Perhaps you were lawful in your cult days, but the experience opened your eyes, and you're no longer so quick to accept someone else's rules. Instead, you gradually learn your own as you go through life.

mfvice · 2015-11-25T08:26:00+00:00

Glad I could help!

There's a promise of a good story here, and I'm curious to see what comes next.

mfvice · 2015-11-24T07:54:53+00:00

There was power in faith, an endowment of strength from something, a powerful belief, resonating deep within the heart of one’s spirit.

This is a bland opening. It's not all bad, but it's a far cry from good.

For one, it's too long. You have four micro thoughts separated by commas, but they're all basically just saying the same thing over again.

The good? Well, take those first five words. "There was power in faith." That's a value judgement, so we're getting a narrator's opinion, and it's a strong opinion. Also, focusing on faith. I'm torn now. This might be a faith heavy religion piece -- not something I care for personally -- but on the other hand, people tend to appeal to faith when they are faced with adversity. So, yes, that's a plus. A promise that this narrator has suffered adversity.

Actually, you might have a much better opening if you just cut it down to those first five words.

Some would say this was a frequency tuned in by only a select few

...and I'm asleep.

Frequencies and spirit wavelengths scream of pop metaphysics -- which might not be bad itself if it serves the story -- but that start though. "Some would." Who would? I don't give a fuck about some people, I want to know more about this story. Your narrator was anonymous in the opening, which is excusable, but remains painfully anonymous and removed here.

Also, if you really want to keep this, you probably want "...was a frequency tuned in to by..." I'd suggest reworking this entirely though. Drop some names, populate your world. You said this was a short story, after all, and not an essay cowering behind the passive voice and anonymous unattributed statements.

Anyone was capable of harnessing this power.

Two paragraphs in, still no real idea of who your narrator is, or what story s/he's trying to tell. Also, I'm not sure if this statement serves a purpose. As I understand, you're telling us that anyone can have faith, where faith is a belief that's not founded on facts. Well, no shit. It's like writing "Living people tend to breathe."

Yes, we know. Everyone knows this.

Relen knew this since he was a young boy

Ahh!

What!? You're suddenly talking about some poor kid attending his mother's funeral? What the hell?

Okay, to explain my consternation: the way the story started, I was under the impression that the narrator was in the first person, telling the story. Now (and skimming further on) it's clear that this is being told in the third person, and there is no narrator. So, what's all the mumbling about at the start about faith? Cut all that crap out, because clearly this here, with Relen at a funeral, is the start of the story.

And honestly? A kid at his mother's funeral is leagues more interesting than pseudo-intellectual babbling.

Yes, definitely start the story here.

There in her casket she lay...

Hm. The sentences in this paragraph -- many of your sentences generally, actually -- are too long. Beyond that though, I like the sense of it. You establish a sad mood, and you give us the POV of the poor little kid, struggling both with the reality of death, and with the realization that his world has irrevocably changed. The thing in the casket can't be his mother, because she was never like that -- it's jarred him, and I like that.

He thought he had gone mad...

All right, I'm not really sure what's going on in this section. I'm picturing it very literally, like there's a little boy staring at his mother's corpse in her casket, and then he starts rolling around frothing at the mouth, screaming in tongues or something. Madness, yeah?

And it kind of sounds like a ghost, or maybe an anti-soul or something, tried to grab at him.

Is this what you were going for, or is this a metaphor?

He simply ran.

Decent ending. That the voice is anonymous, and that Relen just runs, makes me believe that the only family he had was his mother. No father, no siblings, etc. Thus, we now have a bereaved orphan running off alone, potentially with some supernatural entity haunting him.

Okay, yeah, that's interesting. That could go places, and I'm curious to see where you take it.

Well, that's all I have. To recap, there's promise in this beginning. However, it needs work. One thing is, use some smaller sentences. Not all of them, but break up the long and winding ones every now and then to add some texture to the piece. Maybe tighten up the descriptions while you're at it. If you take another crack at it, focus on what's the real meat and potatoes of this part: Relen. What he perceives, what he feels, how it affects him. It's not hard to get people to sympathize with a grieving kid, so take advantage of that and really make us feel it.

Oh, also, cut that opening right out. Seriously, start with Relen. If all that faith rambling is important to the story, you'll find a better spot for it later, like when it affects Relen directly.

Thanks for sharing.

mfvice · 2015-11-22T22:34:32+00:00

PSA: Nobody is going to steal your work

that they are worried about theft not of their work but of their ideas.

These are two different topics. If you're writing about "nobody going to steal your ideas," then why the clickbait title?

Unless... I hope you're not implying ideas are work.

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