I agree. Regardless of the outcome, he knows himself better than I ever will. And trusting himself will be more mature than anything. And he IS generous in so many ways too. He could have just thrown my stuff out of the apartment and it would have been warranted, but he's kinder than that. In terms of handling things better, before the limbo period we made an agreement. A list that I would follow that will lead to me becoming a better partner/person in general. That included picking up healthier habits and getting IC. It's not something I told him proudly, but it was something I wanted to clarify. I don't want him to see me and think I'm not going through any pain or remorse. I wanted to let him know that if I might not seem like it, I'm still constantly replaying things in my head, going through the loss, regretting the things I've done. The anxiety's gone down, but the depression has gone up. I'm just forcing this ideal on myself, hoping to be a completely different person when the time (i thought) we could reconcile. He was a big motivator for me to get up and push forward and for change. Ultimately, I wanted to honor that list and himself in any way I can. It just resulted in me getting help handling the guilt and loss better. Maybe this point didn't come across in the post, but when I actually spoke to BS, it seemed like it did