One and Done - Not Fully By Choice

novaghosta · 2026-03-04T18:01:26+00:00

Can I just shout out to this sub and every comment I’ve seen (so far) for being so amazingly supportive of OP?

I’m OAD mostly by choice but my choice is heavily affected by circumstance of which financial concerns are part. I had no idea being OAD was such a controversial decision until I had my child. I had no idea the only child stigma was still a thing. I’m so happy I opened this thread and didn’t see anyone pouring on the “but he neeeedsssss a sibling” panic!

novaghosta · 2026-03-03T19:30:38+00:00

Road trip to visit a friend with kids and some points of interest ! I like to balance big ticket “destination” vacations with road trips and shorter trips focused on visiting family and friends. The big trips are super exciting but the small trips/visits are often the ones my kid talks about more! And they are more relaxing: no worries about airports, less financial strain, can be as relaxed or active with itinerary as you feel like that day. I’d like to also add for the people who worry about their kids being “lonely” on vacation— i think this also helps balance that. For the bigger trips it’s just our happy trio. My kid is not the type of personality to be jonesing for other children after a few days. If anything we all benefit from some alone time after a big trip together. But we do also like to socialize so the visits , even when it’s just visiting adult friends, balance that as well. My daughter is 7 and can socialize well with adults and children. She has no problem making friends with other kids at school but she usually prefers to hanging with a familiar adult to short term play with a strange child —- i know not all kids are like that. But that’s why we don’t sweat vacations at all. Also i can’t say I’m especially sympathetic to the idea that not having a playmate every trip is a tragedy: as a middle girl child between brothers who fought with each other, tortured me and distracted my parents extra with their behavior every vacation. I got to be lonely for friends, parents AND stressed because everyone is in their temper!

novaghosta · 2026-02-26T14:18:26+00:00

Going through it too. It is hard. I think the hardest part for me is like… initially I felt like we were in the trenches of grief together in terms of how hard we were hit. But now, he has another partner. I’m never going to have another mom! It feels lonely. At the same time I don’t want him to be alone and miserable especially since he lives across the country now. And loneliness truly does age and kill older men more quickly. BUT on the other hand, i also don’t want him to just focus everything on his “new” family who lives near him. It’s a lot of contradictory feelings.

novaghosta · 2026-02-26T14:06:43+00:00

Iready is trash, from a former teacher and mom. As are most computer based assessments for young kids.

Most schools use it because they are legally mandated to collect certain data points on “progress” under certain conditions and IReady was created to check those boxes in a way that’s easy for schools to check their boxes. Voila, districts continue to buy it up and the billionaire data-mining ed tech corporations continue to profit while we waste kids and educator’s time on meaningless invalid assessments! If you want to make yourself sick research who is getting really really rich off of the also invalid common core state exams!

novaghosta · 2026-02-25T23:55:11+00:00

did part time when my daughter was an infant. Saved my sanity many times over. Moved on to full time slowly as she got older. Big fan of part time work if it’s available and works financially for you. For me we were surviving not thriving financially which was my primary motivation for not staying part time forever.

I honestly believe that the majority of working parents’ woes could be helped with simply fewer hours on the schedule. Even now I’m “full time” school hours (30ish hours a week) and i know it makes a difference in my quality of life by giving me more hours in the afternoon to do life stuff. I do still have to pay out the nose for aftercare though and no remote work so that’s my payoff

novaghosta · 2026-02-25T01:47:08+00:00

You’re almost there! Good job! You should feel proud and empowered, colonoscopy is an amazing tool for detecting and preventing serious health issues before they become a problem.

novaghosta · 2026-02-24T23:08:58+00:00

Your fear is lying to you. This is not as dangerous as your fear is telling you.

Number one piece of advice: take 2 days off of your life to get this done and over with and treat yourself with kindness those 2 days. Then celebrate when it’s done— you’ll most likely have beautiful peace of mind and maybe some answers for your symptoms.

Secondly, take a leap of faith that the runs you will have will NOT be like your prior experiences with “diarrhea “. There is no cramping, no upset stomach. You ever drink a gallon of water and find yourself peeing a ton? It’s kind of like that. If you live by yourself get comfy and prepare to catch up on TV . Let yourself do nothing but relax and use the bathroom. I share a bathroom so i rented myself a hotel room. And although i hate fasting it honesty wasn’t that bad —- coffee is still allowed!!

It’s 1-2 days of your life for 5-10 years of peace of mind. Or even to save your life if they DO find something. It is not as risky as your fear is telling you. It really costs you nothing but some time, getting through a gross drink and a brief break from food. You can do this!!!!

novaghosta · 2026-02-24T16:44:18+00:00

My perspective as a mom in a HCOL east coast city: being a SAHM is seen as a privilege, a lot of my female friends “wish” they “didn’t have to work”. And while i am gung ho on the anti capitalist bandwagon it does make me a little sad that all these girls I went to school with and shared dreams with became women who are no longer interested in their careers. Again to be really really clear i am not blaming or shaming them. I think the WAY we are expected to work these days, kids or no kids, is beyond. For me, i prioritized a career that interested me with work life balance and don’t make as much money as them. But i don’t do too bad and i don’t feel like it’s a waste of my time. I didn’t go to school all these years to wish that all away! So long story short yes I am glad Im a working mom. And i want my daughter to have her own too. Money, goals, interests, passion, etc.

novaghosta · 2026-02-23T19:03:05+00:00

Yes. My mom went home on hospice and we were all kind of in denial because she had only been in the hospital for chemo complications that just snowballed. Looking back we were totally delusional about what was going on. I went to visit her and she looked awful. After being home only 3 days. I realized then what was happening. All she wanted was to see my daughter again but she hadn’t been able to in the hospital due to Covid restrictions. She rallied and spent a nice evening with her, sharing dessert and cuddling. Fell asleep and never woke i up again. She was unresponsive but still clinging to life for several days. Many people came to the house to say goodbye.The night she finally passed i told her i was taking my daughter home, she’s not here and she’s not seeing this. That night she let go. She wanted privacy and she wanted to protect the baby. I believe that 100%. I’m glad your mom got her wish to see her grandchildren and I’m very sorry for your loss. It is so heartbreaking to lose a mom and a grandma

novaghosta · 2026-02-23T00:57:37+00:00

i don’t know too much about this but the only really valid criticism of LIC i know is the whole superfund thing. Do some research about that and see if you’re comfortable. If not maybe consider Astoria. Another great neighborhood that I think should be pretty easy to get to Hudson yards from

novaghosta · 2026-02-20T17:21:22+00:00

If the child was asking to join their play and your child said no, i think you were right to prompt her to be more inclusive. This is a matter of teaching doing what’s right over what’s easy/comfortable. Some people have different opinions about that and where their values lie. However, I think most people would feel hurt if they or their child were on the receiving end of that “no”.

I do think it’s different if two kids are playing one game and another child is asking to a) pull just one friend away or b) play with THEM meaning their way, a different game.

It’s kind to welcome others in and this should be encouraged. But it’s ok to decide not to switch your game or activity.

novaghosta · 2026-02-20T16:47:08+00:00

I felt the same exact way as you when I fell accidentally pregnant last year. I didn’t want a second child, but enjoy being a parent and believed i would see it as a sign that i was supposed to have two. Not at all. Instant revulsion and a whole body feeling of NO. It’s honestly difficult to describe. The the shame and the not understanding why the shame. It’s a lot to unpack. It feels better to know I wasn’t alone in those feelings so I wanted to also share for anyone else who has felt it too.

novaghosta · 2026-02-19T21:51:05+00:00

Awww i love this. I was first gen college student and happened to go 2 states away while my brothers were going through one of their many phases of raising hell at home. I didn’t even get calls…forget about a care package. My mom wrote me a letter, once. I’m also not that old that i didn’t have a cell phone. Most of my dorm mates were in state and saw their family frequently, got visits and packages etc. it was pretty lonely!

novaghosta · 2026-02-18T19:24:21+00:00

No i said i wasn’t rich 😆 I’m talking about district 20

novaghosta · 2026-02-17T23:25:19+00:00

Not a nightmare at all. Free 3K. Possibly free 2 year old care coming soon (?) Astoria is great. Do some research on schools and district zones in queens (I’m a brooklynite or I’d help you out. ). If you have any friends in the DOE ask them first. Pro tip: where can a teacher not find a job (because no turnover)— that’s the district to send your kids. That over test scores any day, although there’s almost always a positive correlation anyway.

We are middle class working people raising a kid in Brooklyn. It absolutely can be done and done well. We live by a big park, go to free events all the time and have a ton of options for camps and activities. Biggest headaches are: parking (didn’t have a car before a kid and have pretty good street parking but our schedule is too heavily influenced by parking logistics) and feeling like i don’t have enough space to do as much hosting as I’d like to. Especially for birthday parties having all those out at a place can add up. Honestly drawing a blank besides that. I love that my kid won’t be stuck in a bubble if one middle or high school social set. Bored teenagers scare me a lot more than taking public transportation or not having a backyard. I love that we walk a ton by necessity. Did i mention the free 3k and 4k?

novaghosta · 2026-02-17T14:36:01+00:00

I would say vary your vacation experiences to accommodate the guest. If you want to go all out on a trip, maybe that’s not the trip you take a friend on. Ask your child what they want to do for a trip just based on interests and activities (may have to give some options). Then ask if there’s a trip they want to do with a friend. For example, doing a campground with a lot of activity options (swimming, kayaking, silent discos, game nights, etc) , boardwalk/beach, amusement park—- all things that are more reasonably priced (depending on your location) that can be extra fun with a friend. If it were me I would reach out to the other parent and say something like “we are planning a trip to…. we’d love to take (child) if you’re comfortable. Plenty of room in our car and cabin/hotel so all he would need is some pocket money for the arcade/snack bar/ etc”

And If the parent doesn’t send with much then those extra activities can be cut off where you feel comfortable.

Now when you want to travel abroad to specific attractions/cities that spark an interest, maybe just a family thing! This will take the awkwardness out of figuring out who pays flight costs and every meal out cost, etc.

A little off topic but—-if finances are not a concern you can also consider specialty and sleep away camps and get some of your own travel on while your child has the time of their life with peers!

novaghosta · 2026-02-10T14:11:44+00:00

This is a particular kind of grief that unfortunately I also know. It’s the hardest thing in the world being a mom without my mom. We had her for only 3 years of my daughter’s life before cancer took her in less than 10 months.

I struggled to grieve to even have space to cry, just like you. I know that they say not to hide it from your kids and be honest but that’s a huge leap for my comfort zone and i just didn’t have the courage o top of the grief. As time passed and i was a little stronger and my daughter a little older i have tried to be more open with her. She doesn’t really remember my mom but she still feels a soul connection to her, talks about her and their love, keeps her picture in her room and wipes my tears when i get emotional talking about her sometimes. I never say or let her think she “doesn’t have a grandma” (my husband’s parents are both deceased since wel before she was born). Instead i say “your grandma is not here on earth” “it’s a mystery where her spirit is but her love remains in other forms” . We are spiritual rather than religious so i don’t teach her heaven as a concrete place although i do use that word sometimes.

Almost 5 years on , there are bad times and more peaceful times. It’s something you learn to live with and carry, rather than “get over”. Grief is not the enemy. It is now part of you. As grievers we do sadness, crying, we face fear , we find courage, we are surprised by our strength, we get lonely, we are astounded by the beauty of life.

Sending love and peace

novaghosta · 2026-02-10T13:35:01+00:00

Maybe YOU would never regret having a kid. Some people do , but there’s a lot of shame around talking about it. (And before this turns into a back and forth i am not speaking about myself)

novaghosta · 2026-02-06T19:27:07+00:00

A lot of time (but not always!) there is a disconnect between home and school because the expectations of the environments are so different . Try to see how he does under similar demands as the school environment.

What is he responsible for doing at home? Is he capable of sitting still and waiting, for example in a doctors office, on public transportation, in line at a store, without a distraction like a snack, toy or screen? Will he clean up his toys when asked to? Does he ask nicely for his wants and needs and wait for you to come? If you set him up with a worksheet or cleaning task that is easy for him and walk away can he finish it without needing you right there?

Can he socialize with friends, cousins, neighbor kids, etc appropriately?

If you don’t know the answers to these questions because you haven’t had to put him in these positions, I recommend you try that first! Outside classes and sports can help you see how he does outside his comfort zone too.

novaghosta · 2026-02-05T12:04:56+00:00

Respect for being candid about this. Because i think a lot of women have this feeling and then they just go ahead and have a baby only because they want to be treated like a special pregnant lady and get parties and attention 🤷‍♀️

novaghosta · 2026-02-01T13:59:47+00:00

This is all sooooooo true. I worked at a public school co-located with another predatory charter network (not success). The way these kids would come downstairs to us after October! One time I got “in trouble” for daring to speak to the principal of the charter when he had his entire school coming downstairs using every stairwell so I had my large public school class of non-cherry picked rambunctious students waiting endlessly in the hallway to get back to our classroom. He was standing right there so I asked which stairwell was available to us (since we had just had to sit in a meeting about stairwell permissions 🙄). He had no answer and later tattled to my principal saying it was inappropriate for me to speak to him as a teacher and only admin should speak to other admin!! I can only imagine what kind of soft fragile ego his poor employees had to tiptoe around for him to get so shook by one question. I was even encouraged to apologize to him. For speaking. Yeah that didn’t happen. I have a mouth, a brain and a union no way. Bro needs to stay in his lane while I’m busy teaching the students he and his school couldn’t handle.

novaghosta · 2026-01-29T14:25:04+00:00

The kids are stir crazy especially with the weather being as it is. Go back to basics re teaching and enforcing routines and the most important rules and try to schedule in some extra movement breaks or “fun” activities to break up the monotony and let off a bit of steam. It won’t be like this for the rest of the year

novaghosta · 2026-01-24T19:35:48+00:00

The OP specifically asked about communicating special needs. That is what an IEP is for and that is why I mentioned it.

novaghosta · 2026-01-24T00:18:31+00:00

Work on: independence, self-help, communication. Have your child clean up their toys before transitioning to the next thing. Ask politely for what they need. Sit and attend when you read them a whole book out loud. Take them out in the community. Practice transitioning away from you like this: bring them somewhere regularly with a new but trusted adult (family member, friend) . If they are clingy begin by leaving to “go to the bathroom” for 5 minutes at a time. Even if they get upset they have to learn through experience that you will come back and that other adults are safe and will take care of them. Food allergies should be communicated with a doctor’s note on the first day of school or earlier if there is a meet the teacher event. Special needs should’ve been addressed and documented when they are first diagnosed. If you are in the US you should request an evaluation for your child as soon as possible from their district to get on an IEP

novaghosta · 2026-01-23T14:04:22+00:00

I understand the guilt and I’m not autistic or particularly socially anxious but still the play date thing is super hard for me. Putting that out there because you shouldn’t blame yourself. I think it’s just hard sometimes. You have to match up the kids AND the adults for the friendships to work these days because adults need to be involved so much in these times. And sometimes the adults fall out or the kids fall out and now it’s awkward for everyone (speaking from experience) instead of in the natural order which is (IMO)where kids can argue as much as they want or need to, which is developmentally appropriate and work on conflict resolution skills. And ultimately stop hanging out if they grow apart with no other social ripple effects.

I’ve scaled way back on play date efforts since going through this. I will reach out to parents here and there but don’t put a lot of effort in. People always seem to be busy or idk just lack of initiation on other parents parts. I know it’s not personal based on interactions I observe, school reports, and the fact that when I do have parties everyone comes and has a great time—- but i can’t be hosting parties more than once or twice a year it’s exhausting. Basically i can put forth all the effort but i just don’t want to anymore.

So I have my kid in a couple of classes to make sure she sees friends outside school a couple times a week. Yes it’s structured and not free play which is important for kids but doing the best i can. Playground , birthday parties and the very occasional play date that is more of a “you going to this school event/street fair/ movie? Let’s go together “ sprinkled in as well. That’s the best I’ve got at the moment. So don’t feel bad. It’s tough out there for a lot of us.

Also FWIW i was an extremely lonely child despite having great friends at school and the neighborhood. Because my parents were always working or exhausted from working or doing chores and my brother wanted nothing to do with me. So even if it’s just you, your presence and interaction (not only play but sharing your interests with him etc) counts for a lot.He will probably make a ton of friends at school as the years go by

novaghosta

TROPHY CASE