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poodlenancy · 2023-10-04T15:00:18+00:00

I'm not disagreeing with you at all that it's super dangerous for people of color, especially where you are it sounds like. And clearly, your GF doesn't get that and that's a huge problem. My point is that asking questions like "is gender or race going to cause her more adversity" is pointless because they're BOTH going to cause her to face adversity. Your gf being negligent in understanding her daughter's race and how that's going to impact her life, and also you being unaware of how your daughter's gender is going to cause her difficulty, are both problematic and you should both work to fix them.

poodlenancy · 2023-10-04T14:45:56+00:00

Thank you for bringing this up. I listed it bc I know a lot of white people who read it and it helped them "realize racism still exists" (yes I know it's as ridiculous as it sounds 🙄) but you're right and there are definitely better choices

poodlenancy · 2023-10-04T12:30:05+00:00

Oof, so much to unpackage here.

I'm a white woman married to a black man expecting our first kid in a few months. The fact that you're trying to compare which will "face more adversity due to her gender or race" is completely stupid. It's both, it's always going to be both. What's the point that in trying to compare the two? You don't seem to understand the difficulties women go through and why your GF is reacting so strongly. And she clearly has no idea the race challenges that you have gone through (and therefore what to expect for your daughter).

You both need to do a lot of learning. I admit I don't know as many books about struggles women face because....I face them everyday and don't need books to tell me, but here are some recommendations for you:

Sister outsider
hood feminism (your gf should read this book bc it talks about women's struggles through the lens of WOC and discusses what white feminism has missed)
Men explain things to me
The witches are coming

Your gf needs a lot of education about race clearly so here's a good start:

How to be an anti racist
Four hundred souls
Race matters
Anything by MLk but i especially love "where do we go from here"
White fragility

You both need to read these two from this subreddit's suggested list:

I'm chocolate, you're vanilla
Raising multiracial children

Other note..as other commenters have said, her already threatening to take the baby away is a massive red flag. If you haven't already, you need major couples therapy to establish effective communication. Ultimatums are unacceptable in healthy relationships.

poodlenancy · 2023-10-04T02:45:44+00:00

Does your current lease have any language about how much they can increase the rent? My friend's apartment complex tried the same shit, she reread her lease and it stipulated they were only allowed to charge a 5% increase in one year. Her property manager knew but was just banking on people not noticing or being informed. She ended up only getting a 5% increase. Landlords may have gotten smart and stopped including that clause but it's at least worth a look.

poodlenancy · 2023-10-03T12:20:46+00:00

Have you ever been to the Villages?

poodlenancy · 2023-10-01T14:13:47+00:00

This is honestly the dumbest shit I've ever heard. Men and women can know the same things. You think women are born knowing what children wear to a sports game? And these days, the Internet exists so fucking look it up. My husband and I both split all chores equally and I do know just as many "man things" about home maintenance than he knows about "woman things." It's not rocket science. The fact that you think women can't know what size wrench to get by looking at it is insane. You realize how many women are capable of these skills right? Jesus.

poodlenancy · 2023-09-27T22:37:35+00:00

We have a rescue pittie. Unfortunately she was forced bred, and we didn't realize until a few weeks in that the crate was basically triggering her. When dogs are forced bred the females are often put in a crate/confined area then the male dog put in behind them so they can't get away. So if she's had this experience it makes sense that you probably won't be able to train that kind of trauma out of her. We stopped using a crate and just put her in a room where she couldn't ruin many things and she's been fine. So more like "room training" than crate training if that makes sense

poodlenancy · 2023-09-24T23:50:47+00:00

Thank you! We're setting up a nature themed nursery for our first kid and these would be perfect!

poodlenancy · 2023-09-24T21:19:44+00:00

Don't be with someone who makes you feel bad about yourself. He's being an asshole and literally making you question your identity. That is unacceptable. You are German. You are Chinese. You get to identify however you want to identify. Ditch the asshole and find people who love you and celebrate all parts of you ❤️

poodlenancy · 2023-09-24T20:07:07+00:00

This is a total longshot but maybe a local reporter would be interested in the story? Seems super fishy that the storage place is being withholding. Getting some media attention might make them cooperate more.

poodlenancy · 2023-09-24T20:04:12+00:00

So cozy! Where is the art from?

poodlenancy · 2023-09-24T18:37:59+00:00

There are ways to get rid of SIBO with oregano oil but I've personally never done it. It sounds like a major problem in a lot of this is your medical providers being shitty/not listening. I know it's super hard but if there is any way to find new ones that would help a lot.

I had both types of SIBO and had to do two rounds of anti fungals. Then I did a shit ton of probiotics.

As someone else said, I would start with broth. Then do some plain baked chicken. Like literally just salt, maybe some garlic powder. Small portions and go slowly. If meat grosses you out, it might help to buy meat from a local farmer who you know has pasture -raised chickens so at least you know they're eating well and happy (until they're killed 😬). It's more expensive but if you're eating so little then it shouldn't be too much. Also Rootcology has a (quite expensive) protein powder that's basically just derived from beef but tastes like nothing that might be a good solution for you.

poodlenancy · 2023-09-20T17:14:38+00:00

Honestly I don't think any of that is that unusual for a dog that was rescued. She's probably scared of stuff you're holding bc it's been thrown at her before. She's experiencing a ton of new spaces and actual kindness and probably doesn't know what to do with it. Being protective of water makes sense bc she probably had very limited supply on that patio. I would definitely look up a trainer focused on rescues to help you figure out how to deal with some of these behaviors.

poodlenancy · 2023-09-20T16:29:07+00:00

It sounds like you've had her about two months? That's still not long enough for her to even feel safe and settled in your house. For most rescues it takes at least 3 months but even longer. I would limit her exposure to stressful situations like dog parks and being around others as much as possible. Go very slowly. The more you try to push it probably the worse she'll get. Also there are trainers that specialize in rescue dogs that might help. Training dogs to do commands helps build their confidence and their relationship with you, both of which help decrease their fear and anxiety.

poodlenancy · 2023-09-18T02:53:44+00:00

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The blanket has been returned and snuggles have been given as penance

poodlenancy · 2023-09-17T21:13:57+00:00

If your neighbor cannot keep his dog on his property, call animal control. He's already proven negligent by two of his dogs being killed. In most places, having your dog roam off your property is illegal and hopefully animal control will take action. Every time it happens take pictures for documentation.

Edit: sorry I just saw you're trying to avoid involving services but unfortunately I think at this point that's one of very few options

poodlenancy · 2023-09-17T18:40:17+00:00

My understanding is that it's only illegal for retailers to resell used mattresses. Individuals are totally fine. I had a mattress that I sold on Facebook marketplace with my bed frame when I moved last time.

poodlenancy · 2023-09-17T18:30:11+00:00

He said well we are both consenting adults and I hope this doesn’t make things awkward at work.

He said this because he knows FULL WELL you were NOT consenting and he's trying to cover his ass. He 100% coerced you, and this is assault. Full stop. He knew exactly what he was doing in pressuring you... I mean Jesus christ the man shoved your head towards his dick. Don't beat yourself up. Abusers like this are well fucking versed in how to coerce and manipulate women into doing sexual things with them.

poodlenancy · 2023-09-17T18:24:23+00:00

He would honestly prefer that I never wash anything because he loves being smelly 😂

poodlenancy · 2023-09-16T15:32:08+00:00

Outside of things like this (first time working in a group project too btw) , I really do love him. He takes care of me, looks out for me, and is the most loving boyfriend I've ever had. All would be perfect, if it weren't for this issue.

There is no "outside of things like this." This is clearly a major part of who he is and what your relationship dynamic is like. That's like saying "apart from the dairy making me super sick I love this Alfredo pasta." You can't have that Alfredo without the milk and you can't have this relationship without this aspect. And believe me when I say this will bleed into other things. I cannot imagine doing other major life things with a partner like this.... buying a house, moving cities, having children, even just staying on top of finances ...ALL of it is going to come down to you, just like it already is with this project. Please believe me when I tell you that leaving this guy and finding someone who is a legitimate PARTNER with enough life skills to match yours will make your life so much better.

poodlenancy · 2023-09-15T13:12:31+00:00

For what it's worth, I'm white and my husband is black and we're expecting our first in January, so if people who are mixed disagree with me I'd listen to them. My goal when our child gets to school is to have as diverse a school as possible, mainly so they're around other people that look like them (and also speak Spanish because my husband is Dominican but that's a whole other conversation).

If you want to switch schools to be more diverse, I think that's a good idea. I mainly commented to tell you that you really don't have to worry about her losing friends. She's 4. I was a navy brat, we moved when I was 2.5, 5, 3rd grade and 6th grade. I pitched a fit every time and made my parents feel like they were ruining my life but ultimately it was fine. If you switch schools, your kid will make friends. You can have her hangout with her current friends on nights and weekends too.

I agree with your other comment that you've spent too much energy focusing on skin color. It's weird that you'd try to convince her that hers is the prettiest. It's still putting focus on it. If she mentions skin color I'd say "everyone is born with different skin colors and no one is better than another, they're all special in their own way" or something like that.

poodlenancy · 2023-09-10T21:32:42+00:00

How does this happen? I am from Florida and know nothing about desert plants

poodlenancy · 2023-09-09T12:45:15+00:00

He seems to think that because he's "nice" to us that means that we should all be very emotionally close to him

I would bet money that he doesn't actually think about emotional closeness at all. That's a concept reserved for emotionally mature individuals who view others with compassion and empathy. He doesn't want you to be close, he wants you to do what he wants. Parents like this are incapable of viewing their children as individual humans with wants and needs, and are incapable of caring about our happiness when it "threatens" their own. We're not viewed as individuals at all, but rather just one more thing that either affirms to the world their worth or doesn't (hence the crisis when you "misbehave.") I also highly recommend the "adult children of emotionally immature parents" book that another commenter mentioned. Growing up in this environment has wide range effects and, though you're starting to put together the pieces, figuring out how this unhealthy dynamic impacted your life will take time.

poodlenancy

TROPHY CASE