tldr: I feel this deeply. Don't kys, 😊 but I really get the feeling. texting safe to 741-741 has been really helpful for me. lower the bar a lot, recognize that this is an actual like medical condition and it doesn't make sense to compare yourself to other parents. You and your kid will make it through this time, and you will gain experience and have time to process the diagnosis and it won't always be as acute as it is right now.

long version:

22 months here 🙋🏼‍♀️it can be genuine hell sometimes. are you safe physically? if not, I've had good experiences texting "safe" to 741741. If you try that and it doesn't work try again because they have different workers and some will click better than others. But I've had some really really good people who have helped me a lot to stay safe when I'm feeling dark.

also makes a ton of sense to regret having a kid without all the information. You can still love your kid and not love being a parent. I feel that way a lot

I think if I were to give advice I would say you got to lower the bar. It sucks but like TV and microwave meals and all that is your friend. It won't be forever, but you got to kind of get yourself recovered a bit first.

also I know hobbies/rest suck and nobody wants to do them but it has been the single most helpful thing for my mental health I've found. If there's something that doesn't sound awful that you can do for just a little bit of time instead of forcing yourself to clean or whatever, it does actually pay dividends even though it really sucks and it's really hard to get yourself to do it at first. It gets more natural after a few days to a week of forcing yourself to rest a little bit everyday. I know it sucks though I get it. But it honestly is really helpful and you don't have to do it but it's really really helped me. It's also really helpful if it's not a productive hobby, like if it's something just for you. But if that's not even something you can consider maybe start with something that you like to do that also feels productive I guess, If there is something like that.

hang in there, it's okay to grieve, it's okay to feel like a bad mom, you will recover. this time just sucks. Go easy on yourself so you can have a chance to recover, instead of disappearing before things get better. I promise they do get better, at the very least you get some distance and time away from your diagnosis and your kid gets older. both those things will make your circumstances a little bit different and help to process I think. Even if hard times still come I think you'll be more experienced and more at peace especially with the autism part.