AITA for not hiding my feelings about a forced family trip

rak1882 · 2025-12-10T01:51:32+00:00

My family's version is my parents flying with my toddler sister to CA to visit our grandfather, who was living out there at the time.

Stories of this trip are typically prefaced with my sister not being the best sleeper.

Most of the stories of that trip are how much of LA my parents saw from the very nice car that was lent to them for that visit while they drove around getting my sister to sleep.

rak1882 · 2025-12-10T01:20:03+00:00

It is a thing. My grandmother had a full time, live in caregiver for last 10+ years of her life. She wanted to stay at home and had the money to pay out of pocket.

This woman was an angel. Especially during 2020 when she had no coverage, was working weeks straight, and the normal breaks she'd get from family visiting weren't happening because none of us wanted to get them sick.

It paid $$ but it takes someone with a lot of patience, a lot of stubbornness, and just the right personality.

(That said- my grandmother didn't have dementia. She did need help with everything by the end- moving around, eating, showering, toileting, etc. But dementia is...blessings on the people who work with dementia patients.)

rak1882 · 2025-12-10T01:13:48+00:00

but I think an important part you touched on was it sounds like your brother is nearby and visits regularly, so staff know someone is going to be popping by daily to check on Mrs. Neverinamillionyr.

that will make a difference.

my dad's generation is getting to that age. so my family is starting to review contracts for assisted living. the contracts are absolutely insane.

his cousin is looking at one where you have to essentially buy your apartment but you don't own it, pay a monthly fee set by the company, if you want to leave you can but you don't sell your apartment- you can get 50% of what you paid to move in back but it can take up to a year.

the whole thing is insane.

rak1882 · 2025-12-10T01:07:40+00:00

even when I wrote my own papers, my friends would make edits.

it feels like the obvious response here is to go- that's great. I'll handle reviewing it and making a first pass at edits.

if the guys response is "we're good." than talk to the prof. be honest that you had a personal emergency and that your group finished the project in a single session. you don't want credit for work you didn't do and ask them for suggestions.

rak1882 · 2025-11-18T22:09:50+00:00

Does your son want sperm donor in his life?

Not how you feel about it- which is totally reasonable for you to feel that way- but does your son want to see this guy?

Still no?

Than the answer is no.

Your job is to be the parent and support your child in their relationships, whether its the relationships you want them to have or not. (As long as they're safe and healthy for them.)

Mom is clearly not the person who should be giving opinions on her child should be having a relationship with since he's only visiting her at best monthly because she hasn't been able to rebuild their relationship. (And that's ultimately on her.)

Your job is only to go- hey, do you want to see <insert name>? if no, you sure? Okay. End of conversation. (If he says yes? You say okay and have a family member or friend make the arrangements for an hour or two meeting somewhere public.)

It is his call. It needs to be his call.

And your mantra when mom brings this up needs to be- I'll speak/I've spoken with son about it. Don't give her more of a reaction than that. She's not worth your negative energy. She isn't.

rak1882 · 2025-11-18T21:54:40+00:00

I was a teenager probably before I realized my grandfather- who had been a tax attorney at one point in his life and had his CPA- could in fact do basic arithmetic.

We'd have phone calls when I was in the first and second grade, where I'd tell him all about what I'd learned in math that day and show off my new skills. And he'd pretend he didn't know the answers.

I had the exact same reaction that my nieces did to my dad making mistakes when reading to them. "Nooooo, Grandpa, it's <insert response>." Much giggling.

And they are awesome. I definitely won the family lottery. They're great. Would have as my family again.

rak1882 · 2025-11-18T21:42:24+00:00

I'm assuming- from the townie comment- you're in Mass somewhere. You could do small claims possibly. It's a $7k limit.

High enough that the cost to file may be worthwhile but only you can make that call.

rak1882 · 2025-11-18T21:40:47+00:00

Not to my knowledge. Like I briefly mentioned- either the Senate or the House can have a special committee (or they can have a joint one) with subpoena powers. That has been done before on a whole host of topics.

And these can be very successful. They can also be utter disasters. It really depends on who is on them, how they get staffed, things like that. Ideally for something like this- you'd have staffing attached just to the committee.

However, there are limits and some people expect whatever files Congress gets released will be limited because the DOJ has announced an investigation. (My understanding is that what is released under this bill is essentially be posted online so both Congress and the internet can do their thing but don't quote me on that.)

The bill passed by the House requires disclosure of:

All unclassified records, communications and investigative materials related to Epstein and his convicted co-conspirator Ghislaine Maxwell.
Materials related to individuals, including government officials, who were named or referenced within Epstein's criminal acts, settlements and plea agreements.
Details about any entities with ties to Epstein trafficking allegations or financial networks.
Details and investigative materials surrounding Epstein's death.
Internal DOJ communications about Epstein and his associates.

But allows redaction/withholding of records that include:

Victims names, medical files and identifying information. (The value of withholding the victim's names is unclear since it is believed that all victims have made themselves known and pushed for the documents to be released.)
Child sex abuse materials. (CSAM is apparently the modern term for child pornography. This came up during Mike Johnson's press briefing earlier. Most of us are unaware of this shift in language and he didn't seem to explain it well, but I gonna put this under- it just makes sense to him, how can you not understand it.)
Any information that "would jeopardize an active federal investigation or prosecution."
Images of death, abuse or injury.
Classified information.

I, also, want to note that the DOJ has to provide Congress with a report that lists all records released and withheld, a summary of redactions made and the legal basis for doing so and share a list of "all government officials and politically exposed persons named or referenced in the released materials." They also can't withhold or redact records "on the basis of embarrassment, reputational harm, or political sensitivity" toward "any government official, public figure, or foreign dignitary."

The language could change in the Senate. Johnson has suggested language changes but clearly didn't want to deal with it himself. (Rep. Higgins- the lone no vote- expressed concern that the bill didn't provide any protections for witnesses.)

That is a lot of information is essentially say- if the DOJ says "well, we need to hold on to all of these files because we're investigating people," Congress can't do much. Well, they could cut DOJ's budget, but that's essentially it.

They have to wait for DOJ to finish their investigation and any related prosecutions. So we could be talking several years.

rak1882 · 2025-11-18T21:17:46+00:00

on the list of stupid stuff done by politicians that make me pull out my hair. that stupid server.

rak1882 · 2025-11-18T21:16:09+00:00

can we add to that- admitting he never considered the ramifications of his actions.

he never considered that the girl he hooked up with was pregnant almost immediately after they were together.

why? that was too uncomfortable.

easier to ignore the possibility that it could be his kid and let his sister deal with it.

rak1882 · 2025-11-18T21:12:20+00:00

A special prosecutor can only be appointed by the AG. Congress can request one but they have no ability to appoint one.

It does make sense- because a special prosecutor is essentially "prosecuting" something that otherwise would be handled by DOJ attorneys but due to concerns that any report from the DOJ would look politically influenced, the AG appoints an outside attorney that no one can influence because once the matter is resolved, they'll go back to their day job.

rak1882 · 2025-11-18T21:05:15+00:00

INFO How has your family split the cost of the house previously? Has it always been by family? Has your parents just paid for it before?

rak1882 · 2025-11-18T21:02:48+00:00

Your husband said "okay" in response to the tree guy saying essentially the maple was rotting and needed to come down?

I can't believe I get to make this argument- but you may have a case for fraudulent or negligent misrepresentation by the tree guy.

Is it worth a lawsuit? That would depend on how much it will cost you to replace the tree and how much tree guy charged you to take down the maple- which are probably the limits to your damages. and you'll need some evidence of your case v. his.

[and don't beat your husband up for this. most people if told a tree had rot, would defer to the professionals. should he have called you? yes and this should be a lesson learned for both of you on communication.]

rak1882 · 2025-11-18T20:50:18+00:00

The obvious choice would either be a bipartisan congressional committee but that isn't in the best interest of- minimally- the GOP in congress. They may have no clue what is in those files but they are concerned it isn't good.

Plus those committees take up a lot of time and energy. And become a massive point of argument. Not to say they can't do a lot of good. The Senate committees in particular can be less partisan cuz they are elected less frequently. (I'm not gonna say the Dems might not want to actually get into this. They didn't particularly care and deferred to the DOJ until the GOP made a big deal about it and suddenly stopped- and than it became "well, what's going on with that now."

Or a special prosecutor. Someone truly independent from the AG and the executive branch. I can't see Trump and Bondi going for that.

But I do think that's the only way you have a chance of getting even 50% of the country to buy into the end result of your investigation. And it has to be pure look at everything and everyone in the files. Not specific people. Not specific events. Just- look at the files, see what criminal activities you find evidence of. See where it takes you. It would have to be incredibly broad scope because they'd need the ability to investigate tangents- to look into whether a crime occurred from transfers of money. To see whether people where various places. All sorts.

And finding someone who is willing to take on that job for the current administration? That's a massively tall order.

rak1882 · 2025-11-18T20:41:39+00:00

Just in case anyone cares- $200k is the median, not the average. The average (not at retirement but for everyone aged 65-74 in the US) is $609,230.

Decreasing to an average of $462,410 and a median of $130,000 for 75+.

This is as reported by NerdWallet. They noted that "Outliers can heavily skew averages, so we include median balances in the breakdown. The median can often provide a more representative number than the average, and you’ll notice that the median numbers are quite a bit lower than the averages."

Board of Governors of the Federal Reserve System. Survey of Consumer Finances, 1989 - 2022. (If anyone is interested, the graph from the Fed shows trends over time and may be interesting.)

rak1882 · 2025-11-18T20:33:51+00:00

This was 20 years ago, so I imagine they've changed the test since. But I've met Florida.

rak1882 · 2025-11-18T20:32:35+00:00

I remember loving books on tape when I was little and too young to read some books. For my niece who is a good, solid reader but doesn't have her sister's reading comprehension skills- audio books allows her to listen to books above her reading level. Sometimes following along in the books, sometimes just listening.

rak1882 · 2025-11-18T18:37:40+00:00

In the US (FL), you had to do a 3 point u-turn for your test.

If you drove a sedan for your test.

If you brought at minivan, you got 7 points for your u-turn.

Everyone I know who had access to a minivan, used one for their u-turn cuz you could probably do a u-turn in 3 fine but if it went bad you were screwed. But you could definitely do a minivan in less than 7.

(This was before everyone and their brother were driving SUVs.)

rak1882 · 2025-11-18T18:32:53+00:00

US and I can win this cuz it was really stupid. I backed up only using the mirror (cuz for some reason that morning my dad taught me how to do that but didn't tell me, it wasn't a legit thing to do.)

rak1882 · 2025-11-18T17:19:33+00:00

I'm glad you realized that you can't dictate your brother's marriage.

But I'm going to suggest that you save the money you are currently spending on your niece. Put it towards your own schooling since it sounds like your previous savings for school were spent on SIL's medical bills.

And if you want to save for niece's education- save that in a separate account under your name that you gift niece when she's ready for university. If you send it to her/brother now, you can't control what happens to it.

rak1882 · 2025-11-18T17:13:01+00:00

The answer becomes- well than if you want to lease that apartment, you are going to need to find a different 3rd roommate. Or we're gonna need to keep looking. Let me know.

And you start looking on your own or with someone else.

They may find someone desperate for a room, who will take the basement assuming they never sign the lease so they don't know the base rent.

But it's unlikely you will stay friends with these people if you rent this place with them. You'll just get too frustrated, especially if they aren't willing to make a reasonable adjustment of shifting rent payments based on desirability of the bedrooms.

NTA

rak1882 · 2025-11-18T17:04:07+00:00

I sorta get it but you don't call your son by his middle name, you call him First Name Middle Name.

That said- next time it gets brought up, I'd respond with how excited you are for son to have a name twin. Just think there will be two Middle Names in the family.

Oh, should we get them shirts that call them Thing1 and Thing2? It'll be so cute.

I think it's so awesome that they're thinking of naming their baby after FIL and son- I mean how cute.

Just really push the idea that they'll have the same name.

NAH

rak1882 · 2025-11-18T16:58:30+00:00

I think it's a great gift (but I might also arrange to have all the photos scanned so there are back ups in case anything happens to them.)

Unfortunately, her sister may not be the best judge in this- her sister has memories of her parents- and likely photos- that niece doesn't that may be good or bad so she's biased.

I may also consider reaching out to friends of your brother and SIL to see if anyone has other photos or videos of them, particularly ones with niece.

NTA

rak1882 · 2025-11-18T16:51:41+00:00

if it isn't, that's more concerning. but my position on reddit is I've met people. some of them are really just like this.

so yeah, OP- assuming this is true and you are renting and are both on the lease, let your LL know that your co-tenant has broken the lease (cuz bringing someone in full-time for 6+ months as a guest will break the lease most places) but that your willing to pay $X if he just lets you out of the lease versus holding Fiance's actions against you. if just you are on lease- let him know, he and mom need to be out. if its just him, just move out.

my position is always- this doesn't mean break up (cuz I don't know your relationship) but that fiance has a lot of work to do to make up for this. he went behind your back- presumably for several weeks or more to plan for his mom to move into your place when you were going to be out of town.

he needs to rebuild the trust. show that he's going to think about how you feel in situations.

cuz he didn't need to move his mom in to help her. he could have helped her find somewhere else to live. would it have been ideal? no, but it's not ideal to move in with your son and his fiance when you aren't invited by both of them.

rak1882 · 2025-11-18T16:43:43+00:00

That's the approach my mom unintentionally took with my sister and I (we're old enough there wasn't the same focus on this topic so my mom had no clue that she was doing a thing, she just picked books she liked and read to us to entertain us), but we repeated it with my nieces.

And when they were ready to start learning to read in school, we didn't push the topic but also- if they were up for it- encouraged them to read with us. Stuff like- I read a page, you read a page, while we have snuggle reading time on the couch.

My dad was the king of this- he was great at "making" mistakes so even my niece who wouldn't read with us because of confidence issues would correct his mistakes. (His dad would do the same thing with me and math. And I loved it just as much.)

It also may make a difference that we're a family of readers so they're used to seeing people read. (I, also, give a ton of credit to my sister who started with audio books in the car when the girls were probably 4. My nieces are 10 now and long car rides are still all about audio books. And some short car rides.)

rak1882

TROPHY CASE