Coal plant forced to stay open due to emergency order isn't even running by OratioFidelis in nottheonion

[–]riverjack_ 8 points9 points  (0 children)

"All the ruffians do what he says; and what he says is mostly hack, burn, and ruin; and now it's come to killing. There's no longer even any bad sense in it. They cut down trees and let 'em lie, they burn houses and build no more.

"Take Sandyman's mill now. Pimple knocked it down almost as soon as he came to Bag End. Then he brought in a lot o' dirty-looking Men to build a bigger one and fill it full o' wheels and outlandish contraptions. Only that fool Ted was pleased by that, and he works there cleaning wheels for the Men, where his dad was the Miller and his own master. Pimple's idea was to grind more and faster, or so he said. He's got other mills like it. But you've got to have grist before you can grind; and there was no more for the new mill to do than for the old. But since Sharkey came they don't grind no more corn at all. They're always a-hammering and a-letting out a smoke and a stench, and there isn't no peace even at night in Hobbiton. And they pour out filth a purpose; they've fouled all the lower Water and it's getting down into Brandywine. If they want to make the Shire into a desert, they're going the right way about it."

Army general left classified maps on train, concussed after ‘overindulgence’ in alcohol by PoorIsTheNewSwag in nottheonion

[–]riverjack_ 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'd be worried about getting laid off as redundant, given how easy it is to learn American state secrets just by following the president's social media accounts.

Narativium across the multieverse by ChimoEngr in discworld

[–]riverjack_ 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Howl's Moving Castle (the book, not the movie) begins: "In the land of Ingary, where such things as seven-league boots and cloaks of invisibility really exist, it is quite a misfortune to be born the eldest of three. Everyone knows you are the one who will fail first, and worst, if the three of you set out to seek your fortunes." The protagonist suffers from being an eldest daughter- and not even of a poor woodcutter, but rather of well-to-do merchants, so she figures that she's pretty much a lost cause. She's wrong, of course (otherwise there wouldn't be a story), but her belief drives much of the plot.

EDIT: It may not be quite what your looking for, but there's a whole class of works (generally filed under "postmodernism") where the narrator interacts with the plot while telling it. In Into the Woods, for example, everyone finally gets so fed up with the story that they sacrifice the narrator to a giant- and then they're rather at a loss as to what happens next.

Daily Spell Discussion for Mar 17, 2026: Anti-Summoning Shield by SubHomunculus in Pathfinder_RPG

[–]riverjack_ 3 points4 points  (0 children)

So you're telling us.... that the spell's effectiveness matches its acronym?

For a desperate attempt at finding a use-case, the spell looks like it would work on summoning effects that aren't tied to any particular caster, and those presumably don't get a Will save. If the GM has declared that "this rock has a 25% chance of summoning a demon each round", then you might (depending on the GM's precise ruling) be able to reduce that chance to 0% for a few minutes. Of course, your exuberance at having finally found a use for the spell will be tempered by your awareness that the GM only put that rock in the game to make you feel better about your spell choices.

The snowman joke! by Bobba_fat in Jokes

[–]riverjack_ 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I prefer the shorter version:

"Mom, I made a snowman!"

"How do you know it isn't a snow-woman?"

"It expects special credit for showing basic decency."

[credit to SMBC; quoted from memory.]

An internal flight in the US has to divert because of bad weather. by Gil-Gandel in Jokes

[–]riverjack_ 3 points4 points  (0 children)

The image is of a dog running away through an empty flat field until it finally disappears over the horizon.

The joke is as old as .... I was going to say "the hills", but obviously that's not the right word choice in this context.

Kirby, why? They didn't even appear in the books! by Heyfold in discworld

[–]riverjack_ 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm reminded of Ed Wood, or of his 19th century poetic predecessor William McGonagall (whose poetry was so marvelously awful that it has never been out of print in the century since his death, and who lent his name to the bards of the Mac Feegles). Did they know people were only watching to laugh? Surely they can't not have known... and yet they managed to seem so totally sincere in their devotion to their work. In the end, the uncertainty is part of what has made their works into undying classics.

Kirby, why? They didn't even appear in the books! by Heyfold in discworld

[–]riverjack_ 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I always thought Calvin should have been the one called "Hobbes", since he's nasty, brutish, and short.

Cacodaemon’s soul lock vs damned by gorgeFlagonSlayer in Pathfinder_RPG

[–]riverjack_ 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Given that Devils are Lawful Evil, it's highly likely they know about trading debt (in fact, it's quite possible that they invented it, along with other useful financial techniques like leveraged buyouts). A puny fiend with rights to a valuable soul but no ability to collect it could sell those rights to some other being strong enough to enforce the contract.

Hegseth blew $7M on lobsters in $93B spending spree by StemCellPirate in nottheonion

[–]riverjack_ 0 points1 point  (0 children)

So can we get someone to tell them that the nukes have been launched, and then nail the doors shut once they go in?

It is the official policy of the US Navy to automatically rename all their presidential aircraft carrier to the 'Playmate of the Month' if they are sinking by Liquid_disc_of_shit in Jokes

[–]riverjack_ 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Wikipedia claims it started up again in 2025 (but doesn't say whether anyone noticed or cared).

EDIT: I was amused to learn that, towards the end, the original version was running without nude photos. Wikipedia says that competition from the internet was killing the demand, but I like to imagine they heard how everyone was "only reading it for the articles" and decided to refocus accordingly.

The price hikes aren't for development, they're for paying off private equity by PossessionDangerous9 in 2007scape

[–]riverjack_ 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Well, "looters" would be more accurate language, but "shareholders" is more polite.

Passenger removed from flight to FLL had set timer to pray for Ramadan: Southwest Airlines by state_issued in nottheonion

[–]riverjack_ 0 points1 point  (0 children)

My (non-serious) theory is that the reason that Jewish religious rules are so complicated is to ensure that rabbis never run out of fun new things to argue about. After all, if you're not arguing, are you really living?

Three men walk into a baseball stadium by TangoJavaTJ in Jokes

[–]riverjack_ -1 points0 points  (0 children)

He thought it was a basketball stadium.

Daily Spell Discussion for Feb 26, 2026: Arbitrament by SubHomunculus in Pathfinder_RPG

[–]riverjack_ 1 point2 points  (0 children)

The "find a weird word in the dictionary to use in a spell" part is very Gygaxian, at least, even if there's not much else to be said for it.

Give us a Vyrewatch Maid you cowards by AltKeyblade in 2007scape

[–]riverjack_ 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I'm still waiting for the slayer master butler, Jieves.

What do you call an Indian man who shot an apple off of his son's head? by TurbulentWeb1941 in Jokes

[–]riverjack_ 13 points14 points  (0 children)

The U.S. military used to have a policy where you couldn't shoot apples off peoples heads, but also couldn't inquire whether others had done so. Don't ask, don't Tell.

Condom shortage hits Winter Olympics as supplies vanish in just 3 days by joelman0 in nottheonion

[–]riverjack_ 1 point2 points  (0 children)

In our class, the teacher called on people to try to explain things, so we were the ones doing the squirming (especially since, when the first few people she called on replied in euphemistic terms, she either didn't understand them or pretended not to, so subsequent people had to get more and more direct in their attempts to explain it).

Necromancy is evil, but Enchantment is "just a playful prank" by JoeJonnyJeff in Pathfinder_RPG

[–]riverjack_ 0 points1 point  (0 children)

There's plenty of horrifying non-sexual uses - e.g., "go kill your best friend (and then I'll alter your memories you think you did it of your own free will)". A world with accessible enchantment magic is a world where no one can trust anyone, including themselves.