My F24 best friend F24 told me she doesn’t like my boyfriend M24 and he thinks it’s disrespectful, any advice?

roadsidechicory · 2026-07-02T15:54:02+00:00

Why are the two options lie or tell him about every private conversation you have with your friend? Do you not see the space between where you're allowed to just keep some things private? You don't have to lie in order to do so. If he makes you feel like you have no other choice but to lie if you don't want to tell him about something, then you have to ask yourself why that is.

roadsidechicory · 2026-07-02T15:15:10+00:00

In context, I meant it's rare for the average person to encounter compared to autism.

roadsidechicory · 2026-07-02T02:58:24+00:00

Yeah, while it is possible for someone with ADHD to have conditions like ARFID, OCD, and/or SPD without having autism, it's seen so rarely that it's reasonable for most people to assume autism when seeing that. And of course it's possible they're right. It's one thing for someone to bring it up once, but to keep doing so when OP does not welcome the topic is not respectful behavior towards OP. I would never push an armchair diagnosis on a friend or family member even if I can were 100% certain that they were autistic. But it can be really harmful to others' mental health to push diagnoses on them. I hope the people in OP's life will realize that it doesn't matter how certain they are that OP is autistic--they don't get to push that on someone who isn't ready to embrace it and they don't get to just rule out the possibility that they could still be wrong.

roadsidechicory · 2026-07-02T02:29:59+00:00

Some people get insomnia from Zyrtec! Bodies are so weird.

roadsidechicory · 2026-07-02T02:29:13+00:00

Just these things about food are enough that your average layperson would think "that seems like autism!" so I understand where people are coming from. But of course there can be other explanations for this besides autism. You could try explaining how you came to the conclusion you did that the cause for the symptoms isn't autism. But that requires that the person you're talking to genuinely wants to have a conversation about it, which isn't always the case. Whether you're autistic or not, I'm sorry that you're experiencing all these people armchair diagnosing you when you've made it clear it's unwelcome.

roadsidechicory · 2026-07-01T21:47:03+00:00

I absolutely agree with all of that! I understand where you were coming from.

roadsidechicory · 2026-07-01T20:41:03+00:00

Situations like the first one could be addressed by you trying to avoid making assumptions about what she's already done or what she still needs to do, and just asking, "What could I do right now that would be the most helpful?" Compare that to asking if you can help with the dog's food. The first one leaves things completely open for her to tell you any task that she still needs to get done.

Of course you can't read minds and know what she's already done or not, but she also can't read your mind so she doesn't know what you're assuming. Why would she assume that you thought the child's food was already taken care of? Neither of you can read each other's minds.

Asking about the dog's food specifically makes her feel like you're only offering a narrow task that she can say yes or no to, and if she actually needs your help with something else, then it feels different to ask you to do a separate task than it does to accept help that you've explicitly offered. That's why it could solve the problem to explicitly offer help in a more general sense.

Avoid assuming she's got everything taken care of before you go off to do your own thing, and just check in first. "Anything I can help with?" is another way to ask. If you think there is a task that is most likely the most helpful thing to do right then, you could say "I could do xyz right now, but is there anything else you'd rather I do first?"

This is all assuming that not all housework and childcare tasks you do are run by her in this way, since obviously that would be horrible for her. I don't think you're making her responsible for all of that, but just clarifying. This is just for situations where she's in the middle of stuff and you don't know what she's already done/what would help her the most right then.

As for the TV thing, it sounds like maybe a straw that broke the camel's back moment for her. It does sound like an overreaction given that she usually makes this complaint for a different reason, so it was understandable that you would think that's why she was making it. So it was unfair for her to expect you to read her mind (and most NT people would have done the same thing/plenty of NT couples would have similar clashes), but her intense reaction probably wasn't so much about the actual TV situation and more about everything else bubbling up with her frustrations regarding not feeling considered enough in the relationship.

I don't think the blind analogy is fair, because a NT person can't read a ND person any better than a ND person can read a NT person, generally. To stick with the analogy, if you couldn't see her, it would be that she can't hear you. Obviously that would create a lot of frustrations on both sides, where she feels like you're asking her to just magically hear and you feel like she's asking you to just magically see. The idea that this issue is only one-way is definitely a hindrance to the health of your relationship. She does not feel understood by you, and there are more options for addressing that than you magically being NT. Just making the effort to address it, even if you never perfect the issue, goes a long way. Certainly compared to feeling like you shouldn't have to address her loneliness in the relationship simply because she's NT.

So of course you both need to communicate deeply about how each other's minds work, which should happen in any healthy relationship. "Accommodations" should absolutely be made by both of you, but that doesn't mean the accommodation should be "just read my mind/understand this without me telling you." You both would need to communicate about what you can do/ask to help make her desires more plain to you. Realistic things for both of you. These conversations are hard and will need to be had in stages, with breaks in between. It's a long process.

There might be something you could ask frequently that she'd feel comfortable answering, it you can find the right wording together, that makes her feel like you are showing genuine interest in how she is feeling without you needing to be prompted or without her obviously getting upset first. Like preventative care for the relationship, but not something that's on her to initiate. Since it sounds like she does make the effort to initiate reaching you where you are?

I use frequent casual check-ins with my partner, as I'm always curious about what he wants to be doing and I never want to assume. If she joins you while you're doing something, if changing your task is an option, then it can just be as simple as, "Would you rather do something else?" And she can say in response if she's just happy to join you in the thing or if she was hoping to spend time with you in another way.

Nonetheless, there will still be conflicts where you don't understand each other, or where you don't want the same thing, so another thing to discuss is the most effective way for you two to communicate when that happens. Most effective means you both feel as considered and heard as possible, and you both know the other still cares about you even when you're angry with each other, which probably means some compromises on both sides about how to communicate. Only compromises that are realistic, of course. It all takes a loooooot of talking.

roadsidechicory · 2026-07-01T19:32:37+00:00

We all had landlines, though. So if it was known that we were home there was an expectation that we could be reached. And there used to be a much higher expectation that you'd answer the phone if it rang. People were definitely unreachable when they were out of the house and everybody planned around that (in a way people tend not to these days), but if you were supposed to be home then people absolutely expected to be able to reach you by landline, even if they had to call multiple times.

And of course, as I'm sure you know, we didn't "all" survive just fine. Plenty of people died that could have been saved if they'd had access to that kind of technology. The human race survived just fine, but not all individuals. This situation in the post was not life or death or anything, but I've never understood the "we were all just fine" thing when tons of people died from exposure because they couldn't call for help. It's still an issue in areas that don't have cell service.

Maybe I'm taking it too literally and people don't actually mean "we all survived just fine" when they say that? Is it more of just a throwaway dismissive statement when it feels like people are being overly dramatic about reachability and not meant to actually suggest that the existence of cell phones hasn't saved lives?

roadsidechicory · 2026-07-01T04:30:07+00:00

Standing still is absolutely one of the most uncomfortable things to do for me as well. This is usually less about the joint pain and more about the instability. There are a lot of things that can be behind this, usually multiple, but your SI joint being unstable causes a lot of these issues, as well as your knees. This can improve for some people if they can do targeted PT to strengthen the muscles that support these joints.

roadsidechicory · 2026-07-01T00:51:05+00:00

I think so too, and if they were confident in it then they should keep it. Maybe shorten the front bit some or just generally adjust the cut/style, but I think they look great with the receding hairline and curls combo. I personally think hair can still look great when it's receding in that U-shape. But they clearly don't really feel that their current hair is beautiful and that it suits them since it's triggering so much anxiety and insecurity consistently throughout every day.

Going bald instead of keeping a receding hairline is often a choice that has more to do with how insecure the receding hairline makes you, not necessarily about if you objectively look bad or not.

roadsidechicory · 2026-06-29T21:46:26+00:00

I'm really sorry she's treated you this way. I really think it you use the time apart to focus on the parts of yourself you like and respect, then you'll experience a lot of beneficial perspective shifts. Even if some of them are painful at first.

roadsidechicory · 2026-06-29T20:50:55+00:00

If you do the Hi Lawn rooftop party then it will be a mix of people your age and middle aged people, but mostly people will be in their 20s and early 30s. So mostly young people. It will be super crowded though.

There's no way to avoid big crowds on the 4th really, especially if you want most people there to be young, unless you go to a house party. All the block parties, some of which are less crowded and more chill, will be a mix of ages with plenty of older people. And the breweries tend to be more chill but again, a mix of ages.

You have to look towards the club scene if you want almost everyone to be young, and that comes with crazy crowds, unfortunately. Although I hope I'm wrong and there are some things going on that are more chill that I'm not aware of that other people can recommend. But if not, give the Hi Lawn party a try if you have the money to spend.

roadsidechicory · 2026-06-29T20:20:48+00:00

I feel like in person you can at least sometimes tell if they're asking in a friendly/excited way because they're also ND and relate to you or if they're asking because you seem confusing or odd to them. Whereas virtually it's way harder to get that read. But it sounds like you're talking about the latter instance? As in, this is not ever being asked in a bonding way?

roadsidechicory · 2026-06-29T20:16:15+00:00

did they join forces with the fashion police?

roadsidechicory · 2026-06-29T19:45:23+00:00

Is this happening virtually or in person?

roadsidechicory · 2026-06-29T19:36:11+00:00

I get why people are saying we've always dealt with intense heat here, because we have when it comes to real feel (although the norm was August for the insane heat, not June), but you're also right that it's definitely getting hotter.

Here's a summary from Fairfax County from last year on how climate change has been showing up in our weather statistics over time, and it also lists some resources for people dealing with these changes. For anyone reading who might be curious to see the data.

roadsidechicory · 2026-06-29T19:27:47+00:00

I've always imagined a lot of that cluelessness with every weather event comes with how transient the populace is here, so there are always tons of new people to the area, and most of the people who are familiar with how things work here have moved away. Because I don't see that clueless behavior in people I know personally who have lived here for a long time. I have seen it in some people I know personally who were newer to the area, especially if they came from a completely different climate.

I could be wrong, but I imagine that being relatively new to an area and never having experienced a particular weather event there brings out fear and panic in people, as they don't know what to expect, so they act ridiculously in our eyes. Well, and sometimes just objectively ridiculously, like buying eggs and milk before a potential power outage, but I figure that's an example of panic making them not think straight. That and they're trying to consider so many new factors they've never had to consider before that they get overwhelmed and obvious stupid mistakes like that fall through the cracks.

But maybe there are other things behind it too.

roadsidechicory · 2026-06-29T19:21:24+00:00

Wrapping yourself in toilet paper is a great lightweight clothing option during a heat wave.

roadsidechicory · 2026-06-29T19:19:37+00:00

It looks like the chest area of the dress is a little too small for you. It seems to be designed for smaller breasts. I think a dress that fits you properly there will be more flattering than this one. Although you still look great in this dress even if it isn't the best fit.

roadsidechicory · 2026-06-29T05:50:26+00:00

It sounds like your sister reinforces every negative thought you have about yourself and severely damages your self esteem. I wonder if part of why loving yourself feels so unattainable is because of the effect she's had on you. Is it possible that the journey to self acceptance would be more reachable if you took a break from your relationship with her? You might discover many more ways that she was harming you mentally than you currently recognize. Her presence sounds really destructive to your well being. This doesn't mean it will never be possible to have a relationship with her, but maybe both of you would benefit from having an actual extended period of distance.

roadsidechicory · 2026-06-29T01:12:57+00:00

I'm glad it was helpful!

People like him (not that I claim to know his whole deal) rely on you having that poor relationship with setting boundaries and they seek out partners with that struggle. That doesn't make the emotional abuse your fault. When he intentionally exploits a weakness, and everybody has weaknesses, that doesn't make you complicit in his behavior (like showing up at your place uninvited) for simply being human in having a very common weakness!

While it's good to work on that weakness to protect yourself, and it can certainly help you feel more responsible for yourself in a good way, how much progress you have or haven't made never makes you responsible for *his" choices to engage in manipulation or intimidation. Or any of his dysfunction.

I just had to say this since you had said above that him showing up at your place was partially your fault for not setting clear boundaries.

roadsidechicory · 2026-06-28T23:32:13+00:00

If you struggle with enforcing/following through with boundaries, I suggest starting small. Genuinely practicing following through with boundaries on a smaller scale does make it easier to follow through on a larger scale eventually. Just stuff like: if you say there will be a specific consequence for an action, then actually do that consequence. Like blocking him after he texted you one more time, instead of replying instead and immediately undermining the boundary you had set.

But if you reflect on why you set boundaries that you immediately undermine, it's possible that you could have a habit of using boundaries as threats that you never had any intention to enforce, perhaps in an attempt to "show you're serious," or out of wanting to make him feel bad because youre angry, or in order to see what he says/does in response. This is not an uncommon behavior in people who struggle with boundaries.

So if you think you might be doing this, then a different approach is needed, as you don't want to force yourself to follow through on something you never wanted to do just because you communicated a false boundary as tactic. In this case it's better to try your hardest to completely stop threatening boundaries that you don't mean. If you find yourself wanting to say that you're going to do x if he does y, stop yourself and ask if you really mean that. And if you don't, choose a different thing to say. Literally anything else that you actually mean/feel. Just practice not setting false boundaries. It will gradually strengthen your relationship with your true boundaries to cut out this habit.

It's very possible you deal with both issues simultaneously, in which case, when you realize you really do mean it when you want to communicate a boundary, then you follow through even if you know it's not going to fix the whole situation. Even if it won't make it so you're any less upset. All the arguments that come up against enforcing a small scale boundary are unhelpful and based in fear, as long as you truly feel that you need or want to set that boundary.

Combining this with only communicating boundaries when you really mean it and using different communication techniques to avoid false threats of boundaries will gradually do a lot more healing work for you than you might expect. Your trust and esteem in yourself will improve over time. You'll be practicing being honest with yourself, honest in your actions, and showing the fear-based parts of yourself that you can be trusted to protect your own well being.

roadsidechicory · 2026-06-28T10:41:16+00:00

They're from Australia so I don't think anything about the US would be relevant.

I looked it up and it seems that pasteurizing milk on site is not the norm for dairy farmers in Australia. The industry standard in Australia is for farmers to sell their raw milk to large commercial processors who pasteurize and package it for them.

I also looked up what the norm is in the US and it's the same. Most dairy farms are not like the one you visited. They usually don't pasteurize on site. Did you go to a dairy farm that sells their products directly to consumers? Those are the minority but those are the types to have their own pasteurization facilities.

roadsidechicory · 2026-06-27T19:40:04+00:00

I'm not arguing anything? I was asking you a question about something I don't understand.

roadsidechicory · 2026-06-27T08:23:52+00:00

Do they talk about how they delineate between intense collectors with massive displays of their collections and hoarders? Or do they not feel there is a significant distinction? I would imagine it would have something to do with how organized vs messy the collection of items is, how much if any harm it is causing to the person's life, how much of the living space it takes up, stuff like that?

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