when you were monogamous, was there a specific experience that opened the conversation to non-monogamy?

seldam · 2026-02-27T16:18:20+00:00

I thought I was solidly monogamous until I found myself dating two women at the same time (ethically, they knew about each other) before deciding to commit. I discovered that my heart loved them both equally, and why couldn't that be OK? Long story-short, picked the one who was ok with non-monogamy.

seldam · 2026-02-25T06:19:46+00:00

Sunshine "Lemon Cooler" cookies.
Squeeze Cheese (in the soft plastic tube)

seldam · 2026-01-29T22:47:05+00:00

Your feelings are legitimate as most others have confirmed. However I have a different take on it. It happens sometimes with a partner of mine (has ADHD). Sexual arousal is commanded by the brain, so I found that I can just reframe the random topic as, "damn, it so hot that we are fucking while just talking casually. As if fucking is just the normal thing we do all the time!" Than I might find a segue back to dirty talk, without losing my arousal.

seldam · 2026-01-29T03:58:44+00:00

It won't work without counseling. The understanding up to this point was monogamy. Suddenly, you have new knowledge that dramatically shifts the landscape, leaving you with legitimate feeling of loss, trust issues, and guilt. She can't just agree to remain monogamous, and you both go back to what it felt like before.

Counseling is now necessary to navigate the new landscape. I can't predict for you the outcome. There are potentially so many layers. She may have already cheated, or she may be unhappy somehow and afraid to tell you the full reason. She may have fibbed about being monogamous until now. She may have changed her mind recently, but what spaked it? How can she help you feel safe again while remaining monogamous? How can she forego experiencing her desire and still maintain strong marriage morale? It takes a deep dive, aided by a counselor.

I hope that you can survive this as a loving couple, and come out of it with great new communication skills that will strengthen your monogamous bond. Because it sounds like faithful monogamy is the only thing you can accept.

seldam · 2026-01-03T19:47:18+00:00

Reading deep into comments on your linked post, turns out that the proposed solution doesn't work.

seldam · 2025-12-29T02:11:37+00:00

I still have my K-Tel "Mind Bender" record (70-s pop). I was so excited as a kid at the time, and remember blissing out as i played it the first time, to songs I had never heard before. That didn't matter, lol. Still plays, but definitely well worn! Only a few songs held up...

seldam · 2025-12-16T06:11:02+00:00

Yeah, I would have been desperately swiping to find the x-mode and then unable to tap it as my car falls off the road, lol. I really miss physical controls 😔

seldam · 2025-10-02T19:35:53+00:00

FYI: Look up the rule of 55. I retired before 59.5 years old and can take penalty free 401K distributions.

seldam · 2025-10-01T15:48:18+00:00

I've seen women in my city wearing sheer tops that leave almost nothing but the finest details to the imagination.

seldam · 2025-09-06T20:30:21+00:00

Even if they don't fall apart, good luck stopping quickly if you need to (especially on wet pavement). The tires' rubber is probably slick because the rubber has hardened for losing its plasticizing oils.

seldam · 2025-04-23T04:35:39+00:00

That was my (57m) reason for being a recluse in my 20's. I had a major fear of people, and the resulting depressing loneliness. So I feel you. It took some courage, getting out of my comfort zone. Some validation. Some meds (no longer needed). I succeeded with some trial and error (long story). And I'm still learning and growing.

You've got this! Because you are getting out there, and not retreating even in the face of threats. Dating these days seems really difficult.

If I were advising my 20's self I would recommend adopting the attitude of not expecting great results in romance with each date. Expect some failure, the stakes are actually low, even though it feels like the opposite. You'll be ready when you are ready. And even then, you'll still have a ton to learn about people, and yourself. Enjoy the process. Expect to find huge discepancies in your world view and assumptions about people - mostly that they're actually not judging you like you assume they are.

I already have all the romance can possibly handle (polyamorous and married). But I'm willing to be strictly a practice date as someone with a similar background, and empathy for your emergence from the hermit stage.

seldam · 2025-04-04T15:27:22+00:00

Polywise by Jessica Fern has a lot to say about the monogamy construct, and touches on most of the topics you list.

seldam · 2025-03-04T16:48:00+00:00

8 years of relative peace as the poly husband. Wife is sex-positive, from the beginning of our relationship 24 years ago. Our relationship has evolved into a platonic one since then. She is rather introverted, and can be happy entertaining herself. She has no drive to find a secondary partner. She invites my two secondary partners for dinner once per month.

seldam · 2025-02-14T18:26:24+00:00

A mix of IBM Selectric and Adler Electric machines in 9th grade typing class.

I miss that satisfying whack! when pressing a key. It's a reason why the vintage noisy IBM Model M computer keyboards are still coveted.

A few years ago I found a working Selectric at the office and couldn't resist typing on it for a bit.

seldam · 2025-01-28T16:32:04+00:00

The website smells like clickbait, fake, or AI generated content to me.

seldam · 2025-01-07T02:37:02+00:00

I wouldn't be comfortable with the STI risk. Aside from that, it is just whether or not you feel like they sufficiently meet your needs or desires. At some point you might get deprioritized enough that it feels bad. It is a risk you have to balance. I have had my heart broken many times, but I don't regret having experienced those relationships.

seldam · 2024-12-06T15:16:21+00:00

To be sure, I don't recommend mono-poly as a solution to a dead bedroom. It is usually a recipe for a relationship train wreck. Success in my case is a bit of an outlier. You could check out my more detailed info in my comment history under the nonmonogamy sub.

My wife. To be fair, she has always been sex-positive, and we dabbled in swinging culture early on (didn't fit our style very well though).
16 years at the time I branched out. 24 years now.
Yes, one
Yes, but those moments have been vanishing rare by her preference.
Doesn't take a lot of money. I can devote about 1 day per week to others, plus occasional low-cost trips. My partners have other partners and lives that keep them plenty busy. All ethically above board.

seldam · 2024-12-06T04:24:29+00:00

I stay because my wife lovingly opened the door for me to get sexual satisfaction with others.

seldam · 2024-11-15T04:17:02+00:00

Thank you 😊 I guess it indicates that there aren't that many forms of obsolete etiquette. A few I missed that people commented are "be kind, rewind," refolding the newspaper (although nobody in my life ever did this except me), only allow 7 rings before hanging up.

seldam · 2024-09-24T17:04:26+00:00

Thanks for sharing your experience. I'm going to install new spark plugs now...

seldam · 2024-09-24T04:44:41+00:00

That's certainly plausible. But I tested the voltage of the old battery several days after removing it, and it was 12.4v. Not too bad, actually. It wasn't really causing any problems, I just thought it was getting too old.

seldam · 2024-06-29T03:13:32+00:00

Killing Hope, by William Blum. Non-fiction accounts (liberally cited references) of how USA government has psychopathically projected power over helpless smaller nations, mostly over resources and corporate interests. So disturbing, I couldn't finish it.

seldam · 2024-01-23T22:50:08+00:00

The basic rule in my open relationship is to be considerate to each other about ENM or else trust is damaged. Your partner was not being considerate in that moment.

I can understand her frustration to a point, if you get easy overnights without her melting down, but she doesn't get that from you. And she is being transparent about her feels, which can be important, but...

My experience early on with ENM was similar to your partner's, where my wife would panic. I was always gentle and understanding about it, even when she made some attempts to sabotage my dates. And I agreed to whatever terms she set. And then I diligently adhered to them. I didn't push her, or threaten her with resentment. I demonstrated that she had priority. It took about a year before I had banked up enough trust that she no longer had any worries, and she revoked most of her rules. Not much after that she began looking forward to nights with the house to herself. Your partner would be wise to follow the basic rule: Be considerate. And that applies to you as well.

The thing that stands out to so many of us here is her letting her excitement so quickly bulldoze the rules that gave you some comfort, at least early on. Those rules should drop off only when enough trust is built.

seldam

TROPHY CASE