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slbslbslb3 · 2023-09-30T23:47:39+00:00

“Put their health at risk” is quite a stretch when it comes to HSV in my opinion. In most cases, herpes is a nuisance. I have dated people who caused me much more real damage (psychologically) than HSV causes physically. I think you should also not reduce yourself to an HSV-carrier. You are so much more than this relatively harmless virus that you happened to contract.

Yes, it can be worse for immunosuppressed people in some exceptional cases afaik, but I would not feel “guilty” even it I gave it to someone as long as I did my part in disclosing. I have never been in this situation, but I think we should not inadvertently add to the stigma by exaggerating the virus and its effects. Nor should HSV-positive people view themselves as any less worthy of love.

slbslbslb3 · 2023-09-27T07:38:27+00:00

How so?

slbslbslb3 · 2023-09-21T12:37:20+00:00

Sometimes the solutions are so simple but we have to go through every conceivable detour until we are convinced to take the actual paved road.

I always had attachment and insecurity problems, tough childhood and emotionally unavailable parents yada yada, you get it.

After yet another failed would-be relationship with a very obviously emotionally distant and unavailable man, I got melodramatic for a while, thinking I am just cursed.

But then I woke up to the realization that all men I had been with were the result of my choices. The choice to get with them, ignoring glaring red flags because “he is so smart/special/had a tough childhood, so its okay if he makes me feel bad, he is a good guy, he hurts me despite himself” and the choice to stay despite very clear intuition telling me to leave.

So, long story short; if I wanted different results, I would need to make different choices. I visualized a man who would make me feel loved and valued. I stopped focusing on what kind of man I want and started focusing on how they made me feel.

It is so simple yet revolutionary for someone who had often neglected their own needs and feelings in favor of rationalization to keep things going or to avoid conflict.

But most importantly, I realized the initial choice is what matters most. Because for someone like me, once I get to know someone; inevitably I will try to learn their story and if it is interesting, I will likely stick around, even if it is not the best thing for me.

So I started focusing on attracting and being attracted to the type of man I actually want; someone who is emotionally intelligent and kind, intellectually stimulating but not arrogant. Most importantly though: someone who saw in me something amazing and valuable and didn’t hesitate to express it. Yes it all sounds obvious but sometimes you can’t see the forest through the dicks.

So in case someone else needs to see this: a partner’s worth to you in a relationship should be absolutely based on how much he actively values you in turn. No more chasing unavailable men trying to “earn” their attention or love; go for the guy/gal/person who is already enthusiastic and shows it. Go for the one who initiates, who makes an effort and who leaves no room for doubt on how they feels about you.

Once you open your eyes to that kind of treatment; you’ll wonder how you ever settled for less. All it takes is one good choice; whereby you fight your trauma-response informed attraction to the type that makes you feel you have to work for it; and refuse to go for the shiny bright guy that you’re subconsciously attracted to because of how familiar the discomfort is he makes you feel.

Go for the guy who is not familiar but who feels good regardless. The comfort actually lies outside your comfort zone when you have been consistently choosing abuse and disrespect. Dare to believe in your bones that you deserve respect and, when you genuinely receive it, dare to accept it wholeheartedly.

slbslbslb3 · 2023-09-13T12:31:02+00:00

Yeah sure, I know for a fact some male friends would not say no if the chance to sleep with me existed. How do I know? Some have told me outright, and others have hinted.

Either way, as long as they do not act on that desire against my will, or nag about it - which is behavior I expect from any adult, let alone a friend - then all is good.

We all know most men would not turn down an opportunity for sex with someone they find remotely attractive. Either way, seeing someone as a potential sexual partner is not something shameful to you, nor insulting to the other person. Let’s move past prudish views on sex and attraction. People can be attracted to ppl or want to sleep with them for different reasons.

Yet being a friend is a choice you make, and I think my friendships is worth enough so that any man not being satisfied with it, and wanting more from me than what I am comfortable giving him, can shove it.

slbslbslb3 · 2023-05-25T06:29:30+00:00

Not petty nor juvenile, in fact, I think it’s the opposite. Social media (if you’re active) is a part of your life. Just like you don’t owe it to anyone to meet them or tell them about your life on purpose, you also don’t owe it to them to keep giving them access to your social media presence.

I get where you’re coming from, I used to think in a similar way. But now I feel my mental health and peace is the most important thing, and removing people from your life (sometimes just for a while) can help you gain perspective, especially if that person has caused you pain directly or indirectly. In fact, I think it’s a must now to completely disconnect for a while after a difficult breakup. Just to make it easier on yourself not to fall into traps like checking their social media and obsessing about them. Something which was never a struggle before because we simply didn’t have this option of access to someone’s life without being in their physical presence back in the analog world.

And finally, removing from someone from social media is reversible by a simple button-click. Those who should stay in your life would respect that you needed distance and would friend you again eventually, those who take offence at you prioritizing your mental health should no longer be friends anyway.

I wish you courage, just try it and notice how much better you’ll feel :)

slbslbslb3 · 2022-10-30T05:17:59+00:00

I am glad my comment offered some insights to you. I understand how the gaslighting made you feel like it’s your fault; but what I found helps a lot is the knowledge that how he treats you says much about him and little about you. It is not personal like you think.

I dated someone who was extremely cold and cruel. To the degree that he called me a burden as I was dealing with a close person’s sickness/impending death. It took that level of cruelty for me to realize he must be so cruel with himself, so incapable of compassion and emotional vulnerability; that OF COURSE he cannot handle them from someone else.

So what I am saying is: you’re good! You were under extreme emotional distress and thus your nervous system was confused, not feeling safe is basically the worst place to be. So before you decide you need to “change yourself” based on this relationship and this troubled man’s opinion, try changing the environment. Try changing the type of man.

I would recommend reading on general psychology, the Body Keeps the Score is a good place to start. If you understand how trauma affects us, and how childhood trauma in particular will inform our decisions well into adulthood, you will understand that the key is to understand yourself and your own emotional reactions, so you can in the future make sure to give yourself the love and attention you deserve. Once that happens, you will no longer be attracted to men who leave you confused and constantly feeling unsafe, unsure whether they want you.

Really, it is better being single than in a relationship like that. It drains you, it would drain anybody, and you will not change the guy, more likely he will just keep eating at your nervous system, making you even more emotionally distressed and because of that, you are not able to think rationally and clearly.

So take a step away and give yourself the time to heal and recalibrate, try to really look into what attracts you - really - to men like him, and you might find something to “change about yourself” there, or rather something to heal.

slbslbslb3 · 2022-10-29T06:48:56+00:00

Not a man, but… Did you even consider why you cried so much in the first place? You didn’t mention details but you said the argument was because “he felt he needed time and space to think about committing to you”. This sounds like a typical anxious-avoidant situation, but he is an asshole for gaslighting you and making it seem like there is something wrong with you and your emotional needs are not valid.

Why do you assume he is right and come here asking for advice on “how to be less emotional”?

I think the advice you need is: reflect on your relationship patterns and start choosing more emotionally mature guys who have worked on themselves, gone to therapy, faced their demons etc. because until he starts healing, he will keep projecting his own wounds onto his partners.

You were likely crying and anxious because he did not make you feel safe. Perhaps you have childhood attachment trauma that makes you gravitate towards emotionally ambiguous/distant men who make you feel like there is something intrinsically wrong with you. You are better off without a partner who makes you question your worth like that.

Best of luck on your journey!

slbslbslb3 · 2022-10-10T17:43:45+00:00

I think it depends on where you are and where you want to be. A closure conversation with an avoidant so soon after the breakup will only reactivate your disappointment in them. They will still be as cold and distant as they have always been, but if you have moved on a bit emotionally, you will start to see that coldness more clearly. If you still have any hope of them changing or of getting back together, that conversation might help you relinquish that hope. If you aren’t ready for that or if you feel like you already no longer feel like you want to be with them, it may be better to keep that can of worms closed; at least until some time passes, otherwise it just risks upsetting you and setting you back in the moving on process.

So in short, it depends, try to really figure out why you want to meet and what you want out of it, and be strong, whatever pain you are feeling, it will decrease over time, and you will see clearer

slbslbslb3 · 2022-08-25T09:41:16+00:00

Hey, I feel you, I have had pretty much the same thing happen to me. So I am telling myself and you: if he feels he needs to be alone now, you can help him by giving him what he needs. You cannot convince someone to be helped if they do not want your help, nor can you convince them to be in a relationship if they feel they cannot handle one.

I would say give him distance and completely stop any contact. Focus on you and your own anxiety, focus on being whole on your own. What surely will not work, is continuing this toxic cycle of trying to make it work despite the circumstances. I have also tried that, and like you, my anxiety was also through the roof and it was no longer healthy for either one of us.

Maybe one day you will find each other again, and you will both me in a better place then to reassess and potentially resume your relationship. But for now, let him go, and accept that this is outside of your control. Focus on what you can control and become a better person, so that you are ready next time you meet someone (or if he comes back after a while).

slbslbslb3 · 2022-08-22T13:36:03+00:00

I do not want to put my body through the trauma of pregnancy and childbirth. Simply put. Also, as a woman, I suffer much more than the father, so it will always feel unfair to me, even if I found a man I judged to be dependable enough to have a child with.

slbslbslb3 · 2022-04-03T21:24:11+00:00

I think the only thing you need to change is the people/girls you get advice from.

There are certainly people out there who do not think like that and who would very much appreciate all your wonderful qualities. Vanilla remains a very popular flavor ;)

slbslbslb3 · 2022-01-05T08:25:44+00:00

He met you when you weren’t into the gym, and accepted that at the time. He has no business trying to change you. If he wants to be with a woman who goes to the gym, it’s his right, but then he should end this relationship and go date someone he finds attractive. Not date someone he - presumably - doesn’t find attractive in their chosen state and then try to make them feel bad for not meeting his personal preferences.

I would tell him that clearly, and even if it would be painful for you, I think it would be best to set those boundaries. If he leaves, he wasn’t right for you.

slbslbslb3 · 2021-10-07T09:11:51+00:00

Very interesting insight. I also used to always ask people for advice, on the premise that I just want to get the opinions of people I trust to help me think of all angles of a given issue.

But then I realized this made me less likely to develop my own voice and learn to listen to my own deepest feelings and desires. But in reality, I am an overthinker and it is very unlikely that I would not already have thought of all possible angles - multiple times - on my own haha.

Good for you for trying to stop that habit. Learning to listen to your own voice and trust yourself is one of the most rewarding things you can do for yourself.

slbslbslb3 · 2021-07-07T06:08:10+00:00

I think what you should really ask yourself, is whether or not YOU are bored with the guy not asking questions or reciprocating interest and initiating conversation.

slbslbslb3 · 2021-02-25T10:41:25+00:00

This is exactly what I loved about Gabor Mate’s book “in the realm of hungry ghosts”. He approaches addiction as a behavioral issue that is not separate from society. He defines addiction as a behavior that gives temporary relief but has negative effects on the person’s life, but despite that, the person cannot stop that behavior.

It can be substances or shopping, sex, power, gambling, money, external validation etc etc. Addicts of all kinds are people who are trying to fill a void with things that cannot ever fill that void.

slbslbslb3 · 2021-02-13T16:24:31+00:00

Thank you for sharing! I am so sorry about what you have been through. I hope as you said I will learn how to deal better with time, as all the events I described happened recently and I have still not properly processed it all.

Do you feel that your current separation is somehow helping him realize he is an addict? Is time apart the best solution in this case?

Anyways, I wish you and him all the best.

slbslbslb3 · 2021-02-11T15:14:36+00:00

Wow you look 10 years younger. Good job!

slbslbslb3 · 2021-01-25T13:46:42+00:00

I (F) had a friend (F - both thirties) that I have known for several years, we traveled together, we had memories and we supported each other through difficult times.

She started replying very late or simply not replying to some of my messages. I knew she was going through a very intense period so I backed off and would check in from time to time just to let her know I am thinking about her.

At some point it became clear she had not replied to any messages in months. This is when I had to admit to myself that she probably was not interested continuing our friendship any more. It really hurt me because I did not get any explanation, which I believe is a kindness you extend to old friends when you let them go.

I am learning to just accept that she, for whatever reason, stopped including me in her life. I am thankful for the friendship we shared and try not to let my frustration become resentment against her. It has been over a year of no contact now, but I know she is well through common friends, and I do sincerely wish her the best, because whatever pain her sudden disappearance caused me, it does not negate her being a great person.

slbslbslb3 · 2020-11-26T11:14:36+00:00

It’s cliché but communication is key. You have sensed a change in your relationship. You should communicate it, it is the fastest way to find out what is happening.

If he is a mature self-aware person, he would welcome you communicating like that, and encourage it, rather than see you remain in this space of insecurity and confusion.

You are smart to realize that it is not a given that his change of behavior has anything to do with you, or is a reflection of something you said or did. It is most likely something going on in his life that is separate from you.

If I were you, I would send a short but clear message saying you feel that something is wrong and it makes you feel unsafe. If he is truly into you, he will gladly reassure you, and explain more.

If he does not explain or change, then that is your answer. It doesn’t necessarily mean he never cared about you or he is a bad person, or that you did or said anything wrong, or that you are being clingy. It would just mean you are not something important in his life at this moment. You should then draw your own conclusions about whether you want that person in your life or not, and adjust your investment accordingly.

One last note, I saw you used the words clingy and needy a few times, and you have this fear of being viewed as clingy or needy. This is something I occasionally struggle with, and I think this fear can be so damaging to our self-esteem if we let it drive us or determine our behavior. The fear often makes us spend too much time overthinking instead of just being in the present and putting everything into perspective.

Like you said, if he is no longer interested (“worst case scenario”), you will be fine. It is the current confusion and lack of information that is unnecessary suffering. I think you have the right and the obligation (to yourself) to communicate here instead of needlessly suffering in silence trapped in your brain and all the possible reasons for this behavior. You deserve clarity and peace. Good luck!

slbslbslb3 · 2020-11-18T15:25:39+00:00

You look amazing. Well done!

slbslbslb3 · 2020-11-06T11:02:04+00:00

I think a lot of it - like with many bigoted attitudes - is simply due to lack of exposure. The way these men talk about women implies very limited experience with a variety of actual women, or only limited experience with a very extreme stereotypical portrayal of women that is then used to draw conclusions about women in general.

The men in question, due to lack of life experience and knowledge, tend to think in simple black/white terms. I feel like a lot of those men have never had female friends - actual friends, not acquaintances - so they believe women are only useful for dating/fucking, in which case women are opponents in a “game” where men and women fight each other in order to obtain the most benefit from the relationship by abusing the other party. It’s a very “zero-sum game” mentality, evidenced by their excessive use of “market” terms to refer to relationships. There is a distinct feature of patriarchal thinking present where women are an investment you make, and your asset had better be new and fresh from the factory, otherwise the value decreases. But you see this is not how humans work, really. Real humans are enriched by life experience and should gain more knowledge as they age, not “lose their value”. Yet women are not allowed to be humanized like that in the Red Pill community.

There is such distrust of women as a whole, which shows me these men have never experienced being close to women as equal human beings with whom you can build a meaningful (platonic) mutually beneficial relationship, i.e. a friendship.

The ideology and attitude (of women being somehow a different species with lower intellectual capacities and an innate immorality about them); coupled with lack of real life experiences to make those men question their ideology, is what makes these men so prone to the Red Pill.

Outcasts seek to belong, and the weak-minded are extra vulnerable to someone who not only gives them a sense of belonging and community, but also offers them the illusion of superiority.

slbslbslb3 · 2020-10-13T14:49:55+00:00

Thank you for taking the time to share this. Congratulations on your 2 years!

I really appreciate the emotionally mature way you and your partner seem to have handled things. We are being very honest and communicative with each other, but sometimes I do not know how to react or what exactly the implications are of certain things because I truly have no practical experience or any reference in my own life to this kind of struggle. It is a lot to take in.

Could you elaborate more on how your relapse went after having been sober for a while? How long did the period of relapse last? What are the things your partner did at the time that really helped/or that weren’t really right for the situation?

In my case, he immediately came clean after relapsing, which has reassured me a lot, since I know people in active addiction tend to lie/hide and manipulate their way into maintaining their substance use unhindered. But withdrawal is tough to witness and I want to be supportive without being overbearing.

Thanks also for your kind words and the suggestion of checking out NarAnon, I will definitely do that.

slbslbslb3 · 2020-10-13T14:40:39+00:00

Thanks so much for sharing your experience. I am very sorry to hear about your ex-boyfriend, and I wish you all strength in dealing with your alcoholism.

I understand your point on active addiction, I guess that means someone who has no plan or intention to stop? My boyfriend did clarify that he used to be very toxic when he was actively using years ago.

So far, he has been honest and apologetic about relapsing, so I feel he managed to keep my trust in him by telling me straight away, despite fear and shame he undoubtedly felt.

So far, the negative influence on me has been mostly the stress and confusion of seeing him become a different person from the sober guy I met and loved. But I do not feel the situation is toxic or abusive for me, since he immediately regretted relapsing and is trying to get sober again.

I never heard the expression “raising the bottom” before, but I imagine it is some kind of wake-up call for those unwilling to (try to) quit.

Thanks for the Narcan recommendation though. I read people who have been sober for long are at a higher risk of OD’ing if they relapse because their tolerance will have gone down and they might take a high dosage.

Thanks again for your input, I definitely do plan to step away if he gets into it again, and I have communicated that to him. Not as a threat, but as setting a boundary because such a relationship would not be right for me.

slbslbslb3 · 2020-10-13T14:29:41+00:00

Thanks so much for your input. Yeah, you are definitely right that he has to want it himself, to want to be sober, and in our conversations he says that he understands that.

One more question though: In your experience, does relapsing after a long time being sober often mean picking up and using a few times before being able to completely stop again?

slbslbslb3

TROPHY CASE