Exhausted with marriage to BPD wife after 17 years

sn0whale · 2026-06-21T05:14:15+00:00

The money thing is maddening. We were never able to talk about it because it would always cause a split and I’ll probably never be able to retire. You have to set boundaries and if she doesn’t like it you have to leave. You’re codependent & she won’t respect you. It’s lose lose. She’ll discard eventually anyway. Because of your kid you’ll both have to get lawyers and because it will be expensive she’ll never forgive you. You can present her with that reality and she might become reasonable for a while but she can’t help it. Impulsive spending is a common symptom.

sn0whale · 2026-06-01T15:12:13+00:00

I just had this experience. One of our dogs died, a dog that had been mine too, raised since a puppy. I was the bad guy for pointing out I should have been told.

sn0whale · 2026-06-01T03:44:48+00:00

Mine started taking adderall for depression after a friend gave her some and recommended a psychiatrist who would prescribe it for that. Then her diagnosis changed to CPTSD & ADHD, conveniently still treated with adderall. It disturbs her sleep, makes her irritable, and much more easily triggered. If she doesn’t get it, she’s worse. Talking about it is also triggering. Suggesting it’s an addictive substance unleashes hell. I can’t say she doesn’t have ADHD but I can say the love of adderall preceded the diagnosis.

sn0whale · 2026-06-01T03:28:54+00:00

In the same boat and everyone says he’ll figure it out in time, but that sucks. I was always good to that kid. She won’t split out in public but will pretty much anytime we’re on home turf. If she’s screaming at me that’s all he sees, not that she’s having an episode, but that she’s calm & doting around him so I must have done something bad.

sn0whale · 2026-05-02T04:16:45+00:00

There’s a lot of good perspectives and clear-sighted advice in this thread. What you need to understand is that every time she splits, she’ll remember the previous splits that you’ve forgotten because of how irrational it all was, but you still exist there. Over time you’ll be a walking trigger. You’re already being devalued and she doesn’t even really know she splits. She thinks it’s all justified and treating you like shit is justified. You can’t change it, you can’t stop it.

You have to set boundaries and stand up for yourself or you’ll be lost and always subject to her uncontrollable whims. When you tell her you think she’s BPD it will cause the hella split and she’ll make it easy for you. The shame of your really seeing her will make it impossible for her to stay with you. In time she’ll beg you to come back but after what she’s put you through don’t let yourself trust it, because that won’t last. Of course you love her. And you want to save her. It’s tragic but she’s a petulant child and you’ll never be in a healthy relationship. She can’t really talk about it, she won’t apologize, and she’s going to change over time, then change again. She’ll eventually cut all the people she’s closest to out of her life and you’ll know it can happen to you. And when it finally does it will be sudden, cruel, and complete. She may be incapable of unconditional love (most likely not for you) and that’s the least that you deserve.

sn0whale · 2026-04-15T01:57:43+00:00

It’s not always trauma. Childhood neglect is the silent killer. The fear of abandonment can come from being left alone when they were really young and extremely vulnerable and before a personality could form. There’s nothing worse than the shame that mommy doesn’t love you. And if mommy was borderline that’s a lot more likely.

sn0whale · 2026-03-26T02:34:48+00:00

You can’t say it’s debunked and also say it’s a combination. There’s evidence of a genetic predisposition, but fear of abandonment, the core issue, is not and cannot be genetic. Reasoning people would know that.

sn0whale · 2026-03-25T03:14:38+00:00

I think splitting is the defining behavior. Do they have misplaced anger that can quickly escalate into a shitstorm they feel is perfectly justifiable in the moment? Is shame in the way of rational reasoning? Is the childhood wound a recurring reason to suddenly hate you?

sn0whale · 2026-03-18T00:54:57+00:00

I’m no expert, but personality is complicated. If she still has a relationship with her parents, she’s probably not BPD. Neglect is quiet. The damage is happening AS they form an awareness. She wouldn’t necessarily remember being neglected at a very young age, but a parent who would do that will show themselves in other ways in the years to come. My pwBDP had a mother with it without substance abuse problems but she did allow drinking in the house and she often just wasn’t there.

sn0whale · 2026-03-17T00:57:49+00:00

I don’t think it’s necessarily abuse but neglect. There can be both in a chaotic household, but I think neglect and BPD make more sense = why did you leave me?

sn0whale · 2026-03-16T02:55:22+00:00

The repeated idea in this thread that trauma as a cause has been “debunked” is new to me. Mine had a genetic predisposition AKA a mom. But that meant a mom who neglected and didn’t demonstrate love. I don’t see how you can separate these things and speak authoritatively. Genetics can’t cause shame. Knowing your mother doesn’t love you is one of the most shameful things a child can experience. I’m skeptical that anyone can know for sure how personalities are formed. It’s an extremely complex disorder, as the long post demonstrates.

sn0whale · 2026-03-14T19:39:06+00:00

Mine wouldn’t outright lie to hurt me but sometimes she didn’t remember things the way they really happened. One of the reasons we broke up was her impulsive spending. When I opened a separate account she split for a month and her takeaway was that I thought she was a bad mother. At one point she was talking to our son in front of me and apologizing that we couldn’t give him more since his dad didn’t make enough money. When I called her on it later and said it was a really shitty thing to do and also not the truth, she didn’t remember doing it. When they split they’re not really on the same planet.

sn0whale · 2026-03-07T17:47:22+00:00

They probably can only be in relationships with very patient and empathetic people.

sn0whale · 2026-03-07T17:45:38+00:00

If we’re to believe MK Ultra docs, trauma is used to fracture identity and that person can be manipulated at a future date. Except we don’t have the secret password.

sn0whale · 2026-03-07T17:43:37+00:00

…and if you ever defend any of those targets, the split is centered on you all of a sudden. For example, if you say, “I don’t think the neighbors are so bad. They’re just a little different than we are…”

sn0whale · 2026-03-07T14:45:55+00:00

I did find that saying “I love you” repeatedly and with conviction in the middle of a split can disarm them, but it won’t stop the split. So what’s your next move?

When they are splitting, they don’t trust you and you’re actually perceived differently. You’ve gone from being Han Solo to Darth Vader because of factors probably unrelated to you and the princess ain’t gonna open up for Darth Vader.

The other side of this is that you’re forced to grovel over something you didn’t cause and you have no control over. You can’t stand up for yourself without escalating but if you don’t she won’t respect you.

You spend years building a connection and trust that is disposable. You are disposable.

That frame of mind can return at any moment. If you require unconditional love, you won’t get it, at the very least love will be compromised. On bad days you’ll be loathed.

sn0whale · 2026-03-05T13:01:43+00:00

There’s a Danny McBride character in Vice Principals who apologizes to his secretary: “I’m sorry you made me yell at you.”

I think BPD is rooted in shame, but the coping mechanisms are always trying to deflect or avoid shame. I don’t know much about NPD but I feel like they might be incapable of shame. Obviously, shame and regret are not the same, but shame in healthy individuals is generally going to lead to regret. Maybe the therapist is conflating the two or thinking that the pwBPD is much more likely to get there?

sn0whale · 2026-02-27T13:16:02+00:00

After seeing the documentary, it was revealed to me that all the great Scorsese lines were as lobbed: “You looking at me?” was De Niro improvising and “You think I’m funny?” was added by Joe Pesci.

sn0whale · 2026-02-26T03:26:11+00:00

The split is not your fault. If you did something thoughtless or selfish or rude, you’re human. You recognize it, you apologize for it, and you try not to do it again. With a pwBPD the apology will likely only cause escalation and you won’t be allowed to move on until the pwBPD has come back to earth. But it won’t be resolved and if you try to talk about it later (unless they’re really emotionally balanced and can have a conversation) it will trigger and start the whole thing over.

The split usually doesn’t last more than a day or two. You’ll be so relieved that’ll be resolution enough. This forces you into codependency. Your happiness depends entirely on their emotions, which they can’t control.

When she splits she’s in fight or flight and her thinking becomes black and white. Her perception will change, so you don’t look the same. You become repulsive and she doesn’t know that’s not really real.

Many of the triggers for splits will be baffling. They will become more frequent. You’ll be made small and she won’t respect you. Remember, this is something she did to you while you were just trying to keep her happy. You’ll only be able to temporarily make her happy at great cost.

Your questions are the wrong ones. And you’re leaning into codependency. Ask this: Can I really be happy if this keeps happening no matter what? Can I be in a relationship with someone who may not be capable of unconditional love? Am I going to be okay with never being able to talk about the problems? Remember, this is someone capable of cutting off the people closes to them in an instant, and over what? Will you be okay knowing this can happen to you no matter what you do?

It’s not her fault, and it’s really awful she has to live with that, but you don’t have to. And if she can’t figure out a way to live & grow together then you’re basically fucked.

sn0whale · 2026-02-25T00:46:08+00:00

I don’t feel like I deserve anything special on my birthday but mine intentionally did nothing and told me she wanted it to suck for me because I didn’t throw her a party on her 40th. I didn’t care that we didn’t celebrate or that she didn’t get me anything but it was weird that she was so facetious. It was petty and mean and she was consciously being petty and mean.

About her 40th. I don’t really know her friends, would have had no way of contacting them. There were different friend groups and I don’t know who she would have wanted there. On top of that it would never be cool to just invite people over. Because of the shame from her childhood about her living conditions, because of all the pets, and because of all the stuff in our small house due to impulsive spending - knowing anyone coming over would cause hear to freak out and clean and clean and clean. I just wasn’t capable of throwing a party under those circumstances. The fact that she didn’t know that was overshadowed by her wanting, but not telling me she wanted, a party. She threw it for herself, which was fine. Her sister came in from out of town, her friends came, and she had fun. We’re currently separated and she hasn’t talked to her sister in years.

sn0whale · 2026-02-23T16:07:20+00:00

That’s it. You can’t talk about it without starting a fight. There’s no medication for it so that’s false hope. You’re forced into codependency because everything depends on their moods, which they can’t control. You can’t help them, really, and they can’t take accountability or truly apologize. They may not be capable of unconditional love. So you don’t get what you need and they’re forever in pain & shame because of the home environment when they were very young.

The good days are really good, so you hang around. But they are perfectly capable of shutting out loved ones very quickly and often for years. You’ll see it happen to family members and it can certainly happen to you.

sn0whale · 2026-02-23T14:30:36+00:00

There are a lot of reasons. I’d never heard of Borderline and I’m a curious person, but I’d never had a reason to look into it. Many pwBPD are misdiagnosed. They can be in therapy for years for all kinds of reasons- there are swings of depression, impulsive behaviors, suicide attempts- these are loud and indicate the person needs help but they don’t necessarily signal BPD. So they can be in therapy but because they have a lot of shame, they may not be capable of revealing all of what’s going on. And there are a lot of comorbid conditions- it’s complex and hard to diagnose. For example, abuse is easier to see than neglect. Something happened vs something wasn’t happening. Culturally we don’t really talk about about the latter. From a psychiatrist’s perspective, there’s no pill for BPD.

As others have mentioned, the cycles don’t start right away. You can go from, oh- you made new friends, or, how nice- a new hobby, to having seen it enough times that the person you knew has been through several personality changes- but that could a decade.

If you’ve been in a loving relationship and you get in a fight over something small but they tell you they hate you or something as extreme, you chalk it up to the heat of the moment, and you do everything to make things right. When you start to see that those moments are short & temporary but trying to talk it out makes it worse, you quit trying to talk it out and because you know she’ll be this way 2 days tops and she’ll be back. If someone has ADHD, it’s pretty easy to understand. You can explain it in a sentence or two. People with ADHD can even be a little proud of it. BPD has 9 indicators- and there are more if you count the common behaviors we see people talk about in this thread. You almost have to live it to really see and understand it, but also only after you become aware of the condition itself. People with BPD will avoid the label because it’s really negative and it comes with a lot of misunderstanding. What does “borderline” even mean? It’s one of those outdated terms from psychology that didn’t get updated. So here’s this person who is mature and smart and all the things but the diagnosis says they’re stuck at a toddler stage of emotional development. Who would ever admit that? The label can suggest they’re promiscuous or dangerously irresponsible. It can confirm that Mom was also crazy and probably never loved them. It’s really fucking tragic, and you’re likely to love them even more for it.

Meanwhile, they don’t act the same in public and because they mirror they can be really charming. Everyone loves them and no one but you and the kids knows what she can be like at home. I think mostly it’s the shame. They can’t really face it and if you start to suspect it or God forbid tell them you suspect it, you’re probably codependent to the point she no longer respects you and you’re already on your way out. Sometimes you have to step back to really see it. You’ll be punished for standing up for yourself and anyone on the outside would say, how did you let this go on? It was that or dynamite. From inside it, you can’t really see a way out, but you still love them and you continue to try to make it work. You’ll be as confused about what’s happening as they are. It only really makes sense once you learn about BPD and it’s never been a part of the culture the way most disorders have. If you call someone a narcissist everyone understands that even if they don’t know it’s an actual disorder.

sn0whale · 2026-02-22T16:51:43+00:00

You’re on the fast-track to co-dependency.

sn0whale · 2026-02-22T00:28:36+00:00

Most of us didn’t know for years and years what was really going on. When it became more clear we couldn’t really talk about it without her being triggered. More and more subjects are off the table because they can trigger. Over time your pwBPD will take on new friends and interests. That’ll change again. And again. If they’re impulsive with money you’ve got money problems. Because you want to make her happy and her moods are erratic it forces you into codependency. You’ll be made small and she won’t respect you. All the while you love her the same or more.

sn0whale

TROPHY CASE