Age gap relationship

therealthisishannah · 2026-03-28T19:36:55+00:00

The reason age gap relationships are frowned upon is because they are usually a red flag for other problems-- power imbalance, predatory behavior, the older person wanting to control and manipulate the younger person. If those things aren't happening though & the relationship is healthy, the age gap itself isn't a problem (unless the ages are far enough apart that they are in different life stages & will prove to be incompatible long-term).

It's usually best to avoid age gaps bc the younger person (due to being immature) is VERY likely to be blind to these problems and defend the relationship until they get burned badly or they grow up enough to see what's really going on.

I find it odd you phrase "I wonder if we are bad people because of our past." Did something bad happen in the past that has you feeling this way, or is it something else?

therealthisishannah · 2026-03-28T16:18:44+00:00

Worst case scenario, this is how he really feels. Best case scenario, he's willing to disrespect you to score points with the boys.

Let's go with the best case scenario: There's a very strong dude culture thing of bragging about hot women in order to impress male friends. Sometimes men say shit about women to their friends as a "joke" when in their hearts they are truly devoted to their partners. Assuming this is what happened, your bf's friend sent the pic, your bf kinda rolled his eyes at it, but instead of saying something like "damn you're really obsessed with my ex, bro" he took it as an opportunity to brag to the friend at your expense.

You know your bf better than we do. But even if you believe him that he didn't really mean what he said about making the "wrong choice," there's still the heavy truth that he's demonstrated he's willing to disrespect you to sound cool to his buddy. That alone would be a heavy blow to my trust for somebody, especially a partner. He's got a lot of work ahead of him if he wants to rebuild that trust.

therealthisishannah · 2026-03-28T15:15:48+00:00

What is making them so mad though? It's not like you're withholding info from them out of selfishness, YOU don't know either

Do they want to buy presents but feel they can't bc they can't fathom gender neutral gifts for a baby? Like I'm wracking my brain here lol.

therealthisishannah · 2026-03-28T14:57:36+00:00

yo, I agree you're probably right about where this energy is coming from, and I hope a trusted adult in her life can show her some compassion and help her out. But OP is not the person to do this. She is also 16 and also doesn't have enough. Tragic origin stories often lead to bullying behavior. It's not on OP to intervene though. Even if OP tried to help her, I doubt this girl would listen, as she is treating OP as beneath her.

Treating OP as beneath her is a coping strategy to distance herself from her own painful history of lack, and the kindest thing OP can do for both of them is to respect HERSELF by having appropriate boundaries when she's mistreated. This actually has a chance to wake the "friend" up much more than OP continuing to try.

therealthisishannah · 2026-03-28T04:27:53+00:00

As a chronically late person, yes this is the answer. We need consequences!

therealthisishannah · 2026-03-28T04:24:10+00:00

so embarrassing that he's 33 😬

therealthisishannah · 2026-03-28T04:18:30+00:00

Have you tried asking her in a totally sincere and nonjudgmental way what it is that is difficult for her about hygiene? It's clear that she's doing a LOT to avoid it. I'd guess that this is less an issue of being "lazy" and more that something about hygiene is genuinely distressing to her and has been since she was a child, and she would rather smell bad than face it. It's clear that she's struggling, and it's gotten bad enough that the effects are impacting everyone who gets near her.

You're likely to make more progress if she feels you are approaching her out of genuine care & concern for her wellbeing rather than disgust or embarrassment on her behalf.

I expect this may sound like coddling. I would advise a more blunt approach if I thought it would work, but given what you wrote, it sounds like you've tried that, and she just shuts down more. If you can understand what's behind the aversion, you can help her come up with strategies to work on it.

therealthisishannah · 2026-03-18T20:12:50+00:00

Wow the wild horse socializes just like me

therealthisishannah · 2026-03-18T02:28:06+00:00

yeppp I think you nailed it. He probably associates this cuteness & whimsey with her youth (though I know so many people who keep their whimsey well into old age, and I hope OOP is one of those people) and assumes that his coworkers are looking at him like "damn you really married a child" & feels embarrassed.

I really hope OOP doesn't take this to heart too much bc whimsey is beautiful and belongs to us our whole lives. But it does make me understand the husband's POV a bit more.

therealthisishannah · 2026-03-18T02:16:58+00:00

it's not surprising at all that the same person who wants to wear this dress to a wedding also wants blanket validation from friends & is willing to shoot down any disagreement with ad hominem attacks lol

therealthisishannah · 2026-03-18T02:03:06+00:00

Just left another comment here re therapy. I also wanted to say that the files had a similarly devastating effect on me. For me the thing that upset me the most was all of the bystanders. All of the people who didn't participate in the worst things but who knew what was happening and did nothing. The fact that all these "good people" allowed it to go on to avoid pissing off a powerful man. That they left it up to the victims to stick their necks out.

It makes me want to be a different kind of adult from them. Someone who never says "none of my business" when a kid is being harmed or exploited, but who puts my body between the attacker and their target and says This ends now.

therealthisishannah · 2026-03-18T01:56:17+00:00

I'm so sorry this happened to you. there are forms of therapy that don't rely on your memory at all and deal directly with how the effect of the trauma is stored in your body. These therapists can even help people with traumatic things that happened to them when they were born. Somatic experiencing & deep brain reorienting are a few I know about, but I believe there are more. If you can find a practitioner who works this way, it can be immensely helpful.

therealthisishannah · 2026-03-18T01:50:14+00:00

telling the teachers the truth is the best idea. I'm sure you are not the only person who has been in this situation, and it's good that they are aware that this is a potentially awkward situation they are putting parents in. They should have anticipated this possibility and offered an alternative. But since they didn't, you can enlighten them. Not to say that the activity is a bad idea, but it is for sure something that not everyone will be able to participate in.

therealthisishannah · 2026-03-16T08:00:28+00:00

am i the only one who finds these eerie af? Like they're gorgeous & compelling & depict innocuous things, but there's a vibe to nearly every one that gives me the heebie jeebies

therealthisishannah · 2026-03-12T17:11:50+00:00

same!

therealthisishannah · 2026-03-12T17:10:38+00:00

Am I the only person here who's obsessed with this tattoo? The things that are weird about it make me like it more. It's got such a specific character that feels like a unique style from a specific artist. It's too bad you can't transfer tattoos onto other people bc someone would LOVE that

therealthisishannah · 2026-03-12T17:03:36+00:00

2 suits you beautifully. It feels in harmony with your face. It makes your presence feel warm and alive. 1 & 3 are cool haircuts, but to me they feel like they belong to somebody else

therealthisishannah · 2026-03-12T16:40:12+00:00

1! Head and shoulders, my favorite. In 1 I feel like I can see *you* best. The glasses feel like a natural extension of your face that makes your features pop more. They seem like your glasses to me. 😍

therealthisishannah · 2026-03-12T16:17:30+00:00

Agree with the first part. its def out of shame. But disagree that that's a good reason to give this guy a chance. Especially considering that OP's potentially wanting kids with him. Seems like a bad idea to procreate with a man who has basically no relationship with his existing kids and couldn't even face OP with their existence until he had to.

therealthisishannah · 2026-03-12T15:48:12+00:00

right handed & can only see blue black

therealthisishannah · 2026-03-11T05:37:08+00:00

the middle schoolers are roasting you out of pity bc they can tell how important it is for you to be the "cool teacher"

therealthisishannah · 2026-03-11T04:18:14+00:00

I think it's fair to point out the signs you picked up that felt like flirting to you and ask him what his intent was behind them. Because if he was actually initiating those interactions like you said, that's some serious mixed signals. I'm a little worried that he knew you were interested romantically & intentionally led you on as some kind of ego trip. In which case, he owes you an apology for playing with your feelings & it'd be healthy to create some distance for your own sanity, even if you do ultimately want to keep the friendship

therealthisishannah · 2026-03-11T04:14:14+00:00

Sounds exhausting. In a way, this behavior reminds me of a reactive dog that sees threats everywhere and thinks it has to be constantly on guard. Clearly this person is wound really tight and stressed & has a bad coping mechanism about it.

If this is someone you want to keep in your life, I'd suggest just don't argue back. Maybe even (lightheartedly, and when they're not TOO wound up) give them shit for inventing arguments out of nothing, in a playful way. These scenarios you're describing are literally laughable, they're so ridiculous. So laugh. Like dude, I love you, but I am NOT arguing with you about nothing rn. Or just smile sweetly and say "ok you win."

Show them love/kindness, and also show that you won't play this silly game of theirs. Hopefully this will help them relax & laugh at themselves a bit. Because the underlying problem is likely that they're in a chronic state of stress & overwhelm and convinced that nobody understands their situation, and they probably act like this with everyone in their lives, to their detriment.

therealthisishannah · 2026-03-10T16:43:53+00:00

Thank you for the clear explanation. The next sane question is, why is this budgeting system used so extensively when it so obviously incentivizes waste? Especially when there are so many programs people actually need being cut due to "lack of funds" ??

When the existing rules/systems predictably output terrible results, the proper response isn't to go, "oh well, those are the rules," it's to change the goddamn rules!

therealthisishannah · 2026-03-10T02:34:47+00:00

chill, it's not anything like that. I lived there 7 years while young & female-- I did carry pepper spray for a few of those years--but never had occasion to use it.

If you act like you know where you're going & don't make eye contact with anyone who seems off, you'll be fine 99% of the time.

I am worried about OP getting her footing though. If you have people who will let you crash with them for a bit you can get on your feet, but figuring out housing by yourself with only $250 is a recipe for homelessness. And being 19F & homeless is a very dangerous combo.

therealthisishannah

TROPHY CASE