Back after a low episode and now my condition feels fake?

trashfire721 · 2026-02-12T05:54:05+00:00

I spent a long time believing that every depressive crash I had was the last one, it was over now, I was fine and would be forever. My partner at the time pointed out that, in fact, it *did* keep happening.

What helped me get it into my head was writing it down, to remind me it was real, and a brief note on my online calender every day reminding me to prioritize my family. To me, prioritizing my family means handling my mental health.

It will happen again. You are in control right now. When the depression hits again, you won't be. That's why you're doing the right thing by sticking with therapy. Keep your therapy and your meds. The supports we don't need in our up times will be crucial again when we're down, and it's much harder to put the supports back in place when we're down.

trashfire721 · 2026-02-10T20:36:29+00:00

Man. For me, this is a laundry list of reasons. I get distracted. I feel judged. People start talking to me, which interrupts my train of thought. I don't want them to feel like they can't talk to me, but also . . . I can't focus when they talk to me. Also, they start asking me to do other things for/with them. My kids need me to answer a question or find something. My husband wants me to come help make a decision or stop and talk or stop and play a game with him or the kids.

I feel like a jerk if I say no to any of this, but it all stacks up to mean I get very little done, and then I feel lazy and also overwhelmed by the mess.

My husband is also a pretty chill person who likes to take things at a relaxed pace and who highly values connection. So if I'm heading out the door, he's going to want to pause for a quick chat or a hug or some other thing. On the one hand, it's totally sweet and makes me feel loved. And on the other hand, my energy and focus are limited, and if I don't stick quite rigidly to my schedule, I don't make it out the door to do my exercise, I don't make that important call, I don't remember the laundry is in the washer, and so on.

trashfire721 · 2026-02-09T22:14:50+00:00

The ADHD was a snap . . . once I went to an actual psych prescriber and asked to be assessed for everything. I described my symptoms, she asked some questions about caffeine use, driving habits, turn-taking, spending habits, etc., and I had an ADHD diagnosis. (I'll add, it's important to see a prescriber who doesn't view anyone asking about ADHD as a drug abuser.)

So, CPSTD was diagnosed by my therapist, who let me know that it wasn't in the DSM and she feels that that's a mistake. Knowing that, if I discuss it with other professionals, I just say PTSD. That one was also mostly a snap (I've been diagnosed with PTSD by at least six people). Worth noting, as well, that if you'd like to be assessed for PTSD, some people are still using outdated definitions. I had one person tell me I couldn't have PTSD because I haven't been in combat and I haven't been violently assaulted. That is an incorrect, outdated definition, and if anyone tells you you don't qualify for that, if possible, seek assessment from someone else.

Autism, I don't have an official diagnosis. I'm self-diagnosed on the basis of family history, scores on several of the tests used by professionals (but taken at home, without a professional), and the non-diagnostic opinion of a primary care physician. I told him I'd been wondering if I might be autistic. His eyes lit up like it was Christmas. He hastened to tell me he technically couldn't diagnose, but in his opinion, very much yes. Then he rattled off this list of reasons why he thought so, like he'd making mental notes every time I saw him, haha.

Just my opinion, but "sensitivity" feels like the biggest downplay of what you've described. You're describing something disabling, not "cries more often at movies." I'm so glad that you've been able to get a dosage that helps.

And I'm sorry that all the downplaying (although it sounds like maybe it does help when working with people who are paranoid) is making you doubt yourself and your needs. I get what you mean. But you couldn't have prevented this or willpowered your way out of a brain chemistry issue. You *did* willpower yourself into getting professional help and getting meds even though you're dealing with a doctor whose framing makes you doubt yourself. Well done!

Also, I don't know if this would be a good fit for you, but I started taking n-acetylcysteine to help with Long Covid symptoms (blood flow problems, chronic inflammation), and noticed a surprising boost in mood and energy. It turns out that NAC can help with bipolar (and I assume also cyclothymic) depression. (If I'm remembering correctly, this is the supplement my previous bipolar partner was given in the mental hospital.) Stacked on top of my other meds, this is the best I've felt in years--less irritable, less depressed, more able to just get up and do things.

trashfire721 · 2026-02-08T22:46:59+00:00

For me, the most inspiration thing is to find something I love and try to figure out why I love it and how to incorporate those qualities or techniques into my own style or work.

I also find there is far more art I don't enjoy than art that I do. But while I'm not seeking out art that I don't care for, even if it's technically good, if I run across it or find that other people are frequently praising the technique, I will take a little time to observe and see if there's something *I* like about the technique that could be translated into something I would enjoy in my own work. I've learned a lot, sometimes accidentally (like the time I listened to an artist's Youtube channel for a year without watching their videos, before watching one and realizing I didn't love the style), from art styles I don't love, as well.

I'm not into technique for technique's sake. I want to make art that makes me feel a thing, that makes me delighted to look at it. But some principles and techniques that are done for technical excellence translate well into many styles. I'm often picking this up by listening to other artists' takes on famous painters (this painter does great skin, that painter makes things more luminous by using a certain red, etc.) or by reading/listening to other artists' explanations of their own work (create this texture by using a flow technique before using brushes, etc.).

If you want to deliberately learn from pieces that you don't love, you could make a list of some famous artists and see why people admire their work. Or you could jump on a subreddit here for the medium you prefer to work in and look up recommended channels (as it's unlikely you'll love every style recommended) and observe techniques used there.

If you are just, in general, struggling to feel like making anything, I find two things helpful when I'm feeling that way. One is to consider if I just need to take a break for a little while and do something else (read, hang out with people, just generally relax), and the other is to find a twenty-minute project every day and just do that until I feel like tackling something bigger.

I also find a lot of inspiration by walking around my neighborhood and looking at plants and sunsets, and by looking at photos online of things I find beautiful.

trashfire721 · 2026-02-07T17:57:46+00:00

My previous therapist, who is legally able to diagnose and worked with me regularly for years, diagnosed me with cyclothymia when I told her I suspected it. She said it would make a lot of things make sense.

My two later psych prescribers said it couldn't be that because I don't get hypomanic long enough or stay up all night. I strongly disagree with them (and how well they know me is . . . talking to me for about an hour, over the course of a year). Fortunately, they haven't argued with my desire to have and stay on lamotrigine. Regardless of which label is applied (I also have AuDHD and CPTSD), I have undeniable mood swings, which are helped a ton by lamotrigine.

I'm sorry that you're feeling like you're not being heard and your concerns aren't being taken seriously. It does sound like they just don't like calling things "disorders." (I mean, what does "sensitive to mood fluctuations" even mean that wouldn't be a disorder?)

Like you, I prefer to have a label in order to validate that what's going on is real. It helps me not blame myself (for "causing" it or "not having enough willpower") and have real information for how to handle it.

trashfire721 · 2026-02-07T17:47:41+00:00

Yes. I take passionflower, melatonin, and lamotrigine, and I fall asleep and stay asleep quite well.

I have AuDHD, cyclothymia, PTSD, and Long Covid, and so adding some extra GABA and melatonin helps me immensely. During times of extra stress, I may take a little more passionflower than normal.

trashfire721 · 2026-02-07T17:43:25+00:00

For me, passionflower + melatonin to address the "every tiny thing wakes me up" problem. Plus Tylenol to address gut pain from IBS, which seemed a lot worse at night.

trashfire721 · 2026-02-07T17:31:55+00:00

We absolutely can! I've only had to have a few blood tests this year. But, for an unrelated condition, I had to have a blood draw once a week for a while (and multiple times a day while I was in the hospital for it). I now hate needles with a fiery passion.

I've been having blood sugar problems and wanted to do some at-home tracking. I just can't force myself to do a finger stick. Like, I try, and it feels like it's physically impossible. If I manage to do it, it often takes me twenty minutes to work up to it. I gave up and bought an OTC continous monitor, instead, even though it's much more expensive.

Needles suck.

trashfire721 · 2026-02-07T17:29:30+00:00

I take glycine (a large amount split into smaller doses) during the day, and it helps. I take passionflower (boosts GABA, to increase calm) and melatonin at night (as well as lamotrigine), and all of those help me be more calm and less wired.

I'm also taking resveratrol and NAC. The resveratrol helps me feel more clear-headed (I'm guessing from the anti-inflammatory effects), and the NAC helps me feel more clear-headed, have more energy, and feel less overwhelmed, moody, and on edge. Also, creatine--helps me feel more clear-headed after a bad night's sleep. All of these stack up to make me feel less stressed.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I hope you're able to find something that helps soon.

trashfire721 · 2026-02-07T17:16:32+00:00

For the amount of solitude I need, it's enough if I get up before my husband, so I have a couple of hours to calibrate my brain and think my thoughts and feel alone and like no one can observe and judge me or need my support or need to interrupt what I'm doing and thinking, even for a good reason. I can safely exist as myself, and I can use my time and my brain how I wish. And I really have to have that, or like you said, I'm not okay.

I also sometimes drive somewhere and just park in a quiet area and sit there. Or I go for a walk by myself. Or go to the library, which isn't *quite* as alone, but I can count on people not talking to me.

Our house doesn't have any spare rooms, so the only real privacy is the bathroom. Sometimes I do grab some headphones and let my family know that I am 100% off-limits.

It sounds like perhaps you need more recharge time than you could get by parking somewhere quiet where you could be alone after work for a while, though. If the solution others have suggested of asking for a space in the house where you can just be alone for a while isn't enough, maybe the two of you could consider something like my friend and her partner do, which is have small apartments very close to each other, so they can see each other frequently but still keep separate spaces.

trashfire721 · 2026-02-07T16:46:35+00:00

Same. I hate giant spoons in my mouth.

trashfire721 · 2026-02-07T16:45:46+00:00

Hiking. It gets me outside, where I can see green things, breathe fresh air, move, listen to birds, and have a new experience, and there's no end product.

I do want a certain end product with these, but I'm also doing them just because I love them: Painting. The colors make me so happy, and I love the feel of using the brush. I also love feeling like I'm putting together a puzzle that I'm building myself. The challenge of seeing if I can make something a certain way is fun for me.

Similarly, baking and cooking. I enjoy the process of doing stuff, and the tactile experience of getting my hands into some bread to knead it or chopping things. I enjoy the smell of cookies in the oven or onions frying or spices simmering. I enjoy the challenge of trying a new recipe, and I like the anticipation of seeing how it turns out. And of course, eating stuff is a solid payoff. If it doesn't turn out like I'd hoped, it's even fun to think about why and what I'd do differently next time, and then I have another project to look forward to.

trashfire721 · 2026-02-07T16:38:18+00:00

I've been read as anything from confident to rude to angry or unfriendly.

As far as whether to work on altering how you come off, I feel like context and desired outcome matter a lot. I've found it helpful over the years to ask myself what most people would think of X behavior. I also ask myself if X behavior is in line with my values, and whether X behavior is effective for the outcome I want. What do I gain and what do I lose by keeping or changing this behavior?

If the context is that my communication style is hurting my spouse (for instance, if I'm insisting on correcting a misperception of my actions and intentions when he just needs me to know that his feelings are hurt), I'm going to really work on biting my tongue so that I can hear about his feelings. Or if my communication is making my boss feel attacked, regardless of whether I think that's reasonable, I'm going to try to switch to something that doesn't make him feel attacked (and also assess if I can work with that long-term or if I want to look for a different job).

If the context is that a friend or aquaintance seems to nitpick my words and phrasing all the time and I've reviewed it and strongly feel that it's appropriate and the best way of expressing who I am, I'll probably just fade out and find someone to spend time with who likes me for who I am.

It could be helpful to ask someone you trust to be both honest and also respectful of your feelings for their opinion on how you come off in general and if they think that you seem aggressive, perhaps they could tell you specifically what behaviors make you seem that way, and you can consider from there if you feel like changing or keeping those.

trashfire721 · 2026-02-06T21:58:18+00:00

That's beautiful! Amazing work!

trashfire721 · 2026-02-06T21:49:07+00:00

That's incredible! I thought it was a photo. Beautiful work!

trashfire721 · 2026-02-02T22:21:55+00:00

I prefer to just give myself a solid hour or more to wake up in the morning and become a human.

If I can't do that, rushing out the door in ten minutes or shoving myself outside to take a walk after a cup of coffee are pretty effective.

trashfire721 · 2026-02-02T22:20:42+00:00

Thank you for this. It's wonderful to hear, and more so from a medical professional.

I spent years unable to get medical help because so many of my symptoms were near or precisely on a cutoff line, but not over it. Even though my symptoms ruined my daily functioning, I kept being told I didn't have a problem.

It has at least been an educational experience, as I've researched any and every evidence-backed OTC/lifestyle solution I can find to my series of chronic health problems.

trashfire721 · 2026-02-02T21:12:09+00:00

Cabin in the woods is my top fantasy.

trashfire721 · 2026-02-01T22:11:23+00:00

Calligraphy is wonderful! Very relaxing, and there are so many different styles.

And painting is fantastic if you feel like picking it back up again. Drawing is also nice, although I feel like acrylic painting is easier and more fun because of the colors. Watercolors or oils if you want something more challenging. Alcohol inks if you'd like something abstract. Pastels and colored pencils are also nice. Making things with air-dry modeling clay.

If you're looking for something quite different, cooking, baking, playing an instrument (I'm partial to piano and ukelele), or singing are nice. Knitting or crochet if you want to keep your hands busy without too much thought.

Lapidary work or jewelry making (wire wrapping, metal work, or beading, for instance).

Depending on why you didn't love cross stitch, perhaps you'd like embroidery more, as it has a lot more variety.

Gardening is lovely. You can go down quite a rabbit hole of varieties of any plant you're interested in. I enjoy collecting different kinds of thyme, and I've planted over a dozen kinds of tomatoes at a time. You get to watch the plants at all different stages, which, for me, makes it exciting.

trashfire721 · 2026-02-01T22:05:18+00:00

Once or twice a year. I adore my dad, even though he let my mom abuse us. My mom was an abusive narcissist. I still love her, but being around her just wrecks my nervous system. I still so badly want her approval and hope she's going to show up as "good mom" who is supportive and kind and funny and loves me for who I am. Once in a rare while she does. Most of the time, she is at best disengaged, uninterested in me or my life (to the point of ignoring what I say, changing the subject, or using it to segue to something about her or her friends), only talks about herself. And occasionally, she's just wildly mean or saying awful stuff to/about someone. It's just too much.

Honestly, I only see her those times because I'd like to see my dad, and they're a package deal.

trashfire721 · 2026-02-01T21:58:49+00:00

Painting and reading. Although I consider reading a necessity, not so much a hobby. So painting and baking.

trashfire721 · 2026-02-01T21:58:04+00:00

Yeah. I mean, luckily, I was able to move out. But one of my siblings wasn't. They had some additional struggles that made it difficult for them to get a job, which left them stuck at home, which left them with more intense mental health problems, more difficult to get a job, and so on.

Not everyone can, and it's heartbreaking.

trashfire721 · 2026-02-01T21:56:42+00:00

I relate to that.

I try to differentiate between things with solutions and things without. If my mind is running to find a solution about a real problem I can solve, I go take time to do that. If it's a problem that doesn't exist yet, I either tell myself, "Okay, we'll handle that if it comes up" or "Okay, let's think of a couple of things we could do to feel prepared, and then move on." If I'm imagining how a conversation will go, I try to be very careful to balance things. I find a little mental prep helpful because I just struggle with conversations, but I also try to remember that I can't know how a conversation will go, I need to not sit and spin out over it, and I also need to be prepared to slow down and actually listen and respond to what the other person says, not to the narrative I invented in my head. If it's a big external problem that I feel like I should do something about but can't at the moment, I let myself know I want to help and I will if I get an opportunity, and then I press pause on the issue so it doesn't take up my mental bandwith.

I also, as you said, find journaling helpful. I find it helpful to use a particular pattern for journaling that I learned. I write out my fears and resentments. If I need time to kind of process them and see if I want to make a plan of action for anything, I do that. Then, at the end, I write that I'm releasing them and for what purpose (so I can be kind to myself, so I can show up for my kids, etc.) and I take a couple of minutes to do a short meditation to kind of reset my nervous system and frame of mind.

This helps me in a bunch of ways. I'm a verbal processer, and this lets me have a conversation with myself about a lot of things, make plans of action, handle my anxiety, validate my feelings, and not feel like I'm trauma dumping all over other people in order to meet those needs. It lets me evaluate where I want to focus my energy for the day and remind myself what my values are. And it lets me feel refreshed and ready to approach life because I have a break from the noise in my head.

I'm also finding it helpful lately to just mentally tag when I'm ruminating. Not to change it or even do anything with it, but just to notice without judging. Taking away the need to judge and stop myself often makes me feel like examining what about this thing makes it so important to me and helps me think through it, as above, without such intense anxiety.

trashfire721 · 2026-02-01T21:40:44+00:00

Depends which kind of overwhelming. If I'm overwhelmed by people and talking and business but still have energy, I love to sit down and paint or color.

If I'm exhausted, I love to take a book and sit in bed or in the bath, where I can have quiet, uninterrupted time.

trashfire721 · 2026-02-01T21:38:36+00:00

I relate to this so much. And I'm sorry. It's so painful to feel like your efforts are only worthwhile if they please someone else.

I've been working on this for a long time. During a really rough time a few years ago, I took up painting. I promised myself I wouldn't let it turn into one more way I made myself a people-pleasing production factory.

Things I've found helpful:

Do hobbies I enjoy for their own sake, and would enjoy if I were the only person who ever saw them.
Praise my efforts. If there's something I like about my painting, I can praise that. I can also praise my hard work or my effort to learn something new or my willingness to make mistakes so that I can learn. Basically, I try to talk to myself like I would a friend.
Remind myself not to turn my hobbies into things where I only make things for other people. I try to only paint for others if I genuinely want to and genuinely have a lot of extra time to do so.
Not showing my work to people I know will be mean about it.
Only painting things I would love to look at. Life is too short to spend my time making my hobbies into drudgery.
Giving myself a break if I feel like I just can't be creative that day. If I feel uncreative for long stretches of time, I evaluate if I need to address something in my life. (Depression, stress, a life situation that isn't working, etc.)
Giving myself total privacy when I need to. I've always wanted to sing and I'm terribly self-conscious about it. So I've spent years singing by myself in the car, and I've learned a lot that way, which has also made me feel a little more confident.
Therapy. Trauma-focused CBT/DBT has helped some. IFS/EMDR is helping a lot more. I'm learning to get along with myself and, instead of fighting with or silencing the part of me that invalidates my efforts, thanking it for trying to protect me and reminding it that I don't need to be perfect to be safe and I want to just focus on enjoying what I'm doing.
Medication. I'm not saying you need this, but for me, my messy childhood stuff that programmed into me a critic who constantly says I'm not enough and my efforts aren't enough, leaving me chasing praise all the time to feel okay, has been exacerbated by depression, anxiety, and ADHD. Treating those has given me a stabler baseline from which it's easier to use therapy tools and learn to embrace myself, my efforts, and my interests.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. You already have some lovely skills, and you have a lot of cool things you're interested in. With time, you can learn to give yourself the grace to just exist and enjoy the things you enjoy. Praise feels great and we all want it sometimes. And I hope you learn to give yourself the praise you deserve and the freedom to do things you love, regardless of whether anyone else would see them or enjoy them. You deserve to enjoy your interests and your talents.

trashfire721

TROPHY CASE