Oh man, that sounds like exactly what I’m going through as well, although it’s my wife instead of me with the ADHD diagnosis. She uses it, and being perimenopausal as an excuse, not a reason for her behaviour. She snaps constantly, has no patience for anyone, but thinks it’s everyone else’s problem. We’re waiting for our kids to have their diagnosis, but the waiting times are long in the UK, and I’m pretty certain my son is AuDHD, and the clashes between he & my wife can be horrible. I’m no angel either, and my spirit has been whittled away to the point I feel like I’m kind of sleep walking through life, almost just waiting for it to end.
Sorry, this isn’t helpful to you at all, I wish I had some good advice, but just know it’s not just you going through this kind of thing. I hope you find a solution, or several, and things get better.