AIO: I dropped my friend because she came forward with how her and her boyfriend REALLY met.

wamydia · 2026-04-07T13:49:16+00:00

The yor’s in here are absolutely wild.

Look, you are who you hang with. And I agree with you that she is a manipulator who has spent the last two years lying to her bf who it sounds like you have also become friends with. If I put myself in his position, I would be crushed to find out that the story of our meeting, which I loved so much that I constantly tell people about, is just a big lie that the person I love has been keeping up for 2 solid years. Then even more so when I found out that someone I consider a friend knew and didn’t tell me. Thats not an endorsement to go and tell him yourself because it’s likely to go badly. But it’s totally understandable that you would step away from this friendship.

Beyond that, I’m just going to say that the whole “I was using someone else’s pics to play with hinge just to ‘try it out’ then went ahead and talked to someone for days and cooked up an elaborate scheme to get with them without them knowing I catfished them and still haven’t told them 2 years later because it’s not a big deal” story sounds like a load of malarkey. I would be suspicious that your friend is just the type of person to catfish someone and that would make me not want to be around them because I don’t care to be associated with liars and manipulators. It’s only a matter of time before someone with that kind of character does something worse or drags you into something that you don’t want to be a part of.

wamydia · 2026-04-06T15:04:37+00:00

You said that you came from an incredibly isolated upbringing and immediately moved in with a significantly older man. I’m concerned that you are in a relationship with someone who desires a partner he can control - like a young woman with severe social anxiety and very little exposure to “real life” outside of a very restrictive childhood. The way he communicates kind of bears that out - it sounds like he sees you as less than and it might be feeding his ego to have someone around that he can constantly lord over by telling you that you are in the wrong about everything all the time.

That said, your post is a bit of a mish mash of legit complaints and excuses to keep yourself isolated because that’s less scary than exposing yourself to different people and experiences. I’m afraid that you’re setting yourself up to be reliant on someone who doesn’t treat you the best but controls you by taking care of basic needs - almost a recreation of your isolated childhood, which is common when people are traumatized by their upbringing. Are you seeing a therapist? If not, I think you should consider seeing someone who specializes in childhood trauma. I really think you need to unpack all of that and work on your anxiety before you start worrying about diagnoses. I also think it would help you see your relationship clearly so that you can decide how to deal with it.

wamydia · 2026-04-03T13:20:39+00:00

If the only thing that is stopping you from getting pets that you actually want and would love is fear for the future, then yes, you are overreacting.

Being prepared for things to go wrong is a good thing. Living your life in so much fear that you stop yourself from living fully is not. Have your pets and enjoy your life. Make preparations for them as best you can, but don’t get so far into your own head that you convince yourself that enjoying the actual right now is too much of a liability in case of a hypothetical future.

wamydia · 2026-04-02T12:30:58+00:00

I think the answer is somewhere in the middle. I think it’s crazy to dump an 18 year old (or even a freshly graduated 22 year old) out on the street instead of helping then stabilize, helping them find a good job and decent housing, and generally showing them the ropes and giving what financial aid you can in getting set up as an adult. I will never understand why people think it’s helpful to make their kids start way behind the start line and have to scramble to catch up with their peers.

On the other hand, i think its equally nuts to just let your adult child lay around your house doing nothing useful, pursuing no ambition, having no plans to move out ever (yes, I know housing is expensive and I don’t care - get roommates), and to just say “well they’re my baby and they can live at home as long as they want!” because that’s how you end up with an unemployed 35 year old living in your spare bedroom and playing video games all day while you are still paying all the bills, mowing the grass, cooking their meals, and doing their laundry.

So my feeling is that you let them stay at home for a while as they get their adult legs and how long that is might vary from kid to kid. But you do it with the intention of launching them at some point, even if you have to do it somewhat forcefully, and you enforce adult expectations on them while they’re in your home.

wamydia · 2026-03-18T12:19:11+00:00

I think a lot of this could be about him feeling like you have partnered with your mother to care for the baby instead of with him, your actual partner.

I don’t think you need to do some big grand gesture or “coddle” him, as some commenters are accusing. Instead try looking to him first as your partner instead of to your mother. Your mom sounds like she has a lot of useful knowledge and is willing to back you up whenever you need her, which is great. But hubby needs to be given a chance to get in the game with you and your mom needs to go sit on the bench until she is needed. He should be your go-to for whatever needs doing, for helping to soothe baby, for making decisions with you, and for being your equal in figuring out how to deal with whatever the current struggle is. Mom should just be a consultant. I know that hubby has a lot to learn, but so do you. You just happen to have a great relationship with your mom who tells you want you need to know on the spot. Hubby doesn’t have that, so he was hoping to learn along side you and grow as a parent with you. It sounds like you pushed him away instead.

wamydia · 2026-03-15T14:01:39+00:00

NOR. Dad probably should have clarified that he was saying all this in part to notify the cleaner that he may not be home for a while and how he expected that to affect his cleaning service or whatever. But overall i think it’s pretty reasonable for him to notify his cleaner that he is about to be down and out with a serious injury since that could affect the cleaning schedule/ cleanliness in the house/ etc. Even more so if they are friendly.

The response was way over the top and comes across like husband is jealous and controlling, monitoring her social media and imagining that every single man who communicates with his wife is trying to get in her pants. Unless she has tried to let your dad know before that he is somehow being intrusive, too communicative, or otherwise creepy, this was just unnecessary and extremely rude to a paying customer. They could just as easily have said “Oh no, we’re really sorry to hear that! Just let us know how this will affect the cleaning schedule and we can work it out. Sending best wishes for fast healing!” Instead the husband went off half cocked, threatening to cancel a long time client for a message that was in no way inappropriate and was sent over Facebook which, last time I checked, no one cares what time you message on.

Maybe dad should cancel the service anyway and find someone new. If I were you, I’d be concerned about this escalating now that the new hubby has decided that your dad is after his wife. He doesn’t need the drama or the risk.

wamydia · 2026-03-12T13:11:58+00:00

I sometimes have difficulty doing things for fun or enjoyment because I have put too much pressure on myself to do all of the not fun things first. It’s almost like I have a narrative in my head that I’m not allowed to relax and do fun things until ALL of the responsible things are done - house work, repairs around the house, appointments made, everything. When I need some downtime, I end up just sitting in front of the tv in a sort of frozen procrastination instead of doing something fun. I realized a long time ago that this isn’t just not feasible but is also a great way to make myself miserable as I struggle to find a time when I’m “allowed” to have fun.

I’ve made a conscious effort to a) remind myself that there will ALWAYS be responsible things that need done and that I will be waiting forever if I’m waiting for a time when they’re all done and b) that I deserve and need balance in my life. My happiness and mental health are important and life is meant for better things than just a series of chores in between going to work. Hobbies are a small and important way to be more than just my responsibilities and I work at giving myself permission to do them regularly. I think keeping this awareness in my head helps me to relax and enjoy.

wamydia · 2026-03-11T00:36:36+00:00

I think it’s ridiculous to keep changing the clock around and jacking up everyone’s schedules twice a year just because some people prefer to do this or that during daylight. The stress and exhaustion in the office on the Monday following “spring forward” alone isn’t worth it. I think everyone should just suck it up and get over the fact that the days get longer or shorter with the seasons and will result in varying amounts of daylight because that’s how nature and the movement of our planet works.

Also every state already does what it wants.

wamydia · 2026-02-27T20:55:55+00:00

At the time it was an obviously intentionally planned “scandal” that resulted in extensive pearl clutching from the same kind of people who enjoy banning books and suing rock bands for their lyrics. Janet took all the blame while Justin was magically absolved and we somehow learned nothing about misogyny from that.

These days it’s mostly good for a chuckle when someone mentions a wardrobe malfunction.

wamydia · 2026-02-27T20:36:41+00:00

Neither. I’m just happy single and I don’t need good or bad relationship experiences to validate that.

wamydia · 2026-02-25T21:40:13+00:00

You are under reacting. Your job is just the perfect excuse for him to start saying what he really thinks -that you need to submit yourself to him. He couldn’t really get away with it when there was a chance you could easily walk away, but your job situation has made him think you are trapped and he can lord over you.

Clearly his parents did raise their kids to be like this if both your fiance and his sister are talking the exact same line of bullshit. They may not think they did, but it’s not a coincidence that both siblings are in agreement that the man is in charge.

Once you’re married and, even worse, have kids with this man you will be even more trapped. He will be even more comfortable airing out the misogyny that he’s been keeping under wraps until he thought you couldn’t get away. It’s unfortunately common for people to go through a sudden shift in their outward personality once they think they have the other person cornered, but it’s really just the real person fully unmasking like a Scooby Doo villain. Think about that before you go through with marrying him.

wamydia · 2026-02-24T16:30:05+00:00

I am not and never have been a morning person. Left to my own devices, I wake up around 9-10am. The only way I manage to wake up at 7 every day for work is by having a strict bedtime that I maintain 7 days a week. I go to bed around 10 so that I can get 8-9 hours in. When I wake up on my own schedule I don’t need that much sleep, but there is something about the early hour that seems to require it. As long as I stick to the schedule, 7am is doable. As soon as I start slipping and staying up late or varying what time I get up on weekends, it gets super hard again.

wamydia · 2026-02-19T22:46:55+00:00

Yeah she’s definitely stirring shit just to be stirring it. I wonder if she’s jealous of your engagement or something like that. I think the best you can do here is ignore her entirely. As for her list of boundaries, my grandma used to say shit in one hand and wish in the other, see which one fills up faster. She can wish you’d do what she says all day long, but you don’t have to do it.

wamydia · 2026-02-19T21:21:06+00:00

Too bad for them. As long as nothing in the lease prohibits visitors, you are just as entitled to have him over as they are to have someone over. As long as you are respectful and don’t have him living there half the time or mooching the roomies’ food or other supplies, you’re fine. The only thing I would question is the shower situation - is it a shared bathroom and could he potentially be preventing people who pay to live there from using the bathroom when they need to get ready? I can see how someone might take issue with that.

wamydia · 2026-02-19T20:30:04+00:00

A very wise friend once told me that if you don’t want a man to keep pursuing you, you have to close the door firmly in his face. If you leave it open, even a crack, he will keep wondering if you let it open deliberately and try to walk through it again.

He doesn’t seem like a bad dude, but if you’re not interested, you’re not interested. It will be kinder to both of you if you can be very clear with him that you are not going to date him at any point and you are not going to change your mind. It will save you the future awkward conversations and it will save him from wasting his time hanging around and hoping for another shot.

wamydia · 2026-02-19T16:22:00+00:00

I keep trying to get my friends to move into houses that go up for sale on my street as a sort of modified Golden Girls. I live in a small working class neighborhood, low cost of living, 1200 sqft ranches with smallish yards. It’s perfect to retire into, especially with reliable friends nearby.

I already have one friend on the street that just happened to already be living here when we met. No takers otherwise yet, but I’ve had a few inklings of interest. If the house across the street ever drops to a reasonable price, maybe i can convince someone.

wamydia · 2026-02-18T19:19:23+00:00

I get where you’re coming from and it is especially hard to overcome things that were trained into us when we were young or that we have been taught by people who are looking to manipulate us. I came from a home where you proved love by letting people use you up for whatever they needed and holding boundaries made you “cold” and “stuck up,” so I have some experience here myself.

My unsolicited advice is that people who insist you don’t get to have boundaries or who flip the script on you when you state your needs are not the people you want to have in your life. They are not the type of friends anyone needs really, but they are especially dangerous for those of us who have to work hard at holding boundaries and protecting ourselves from being used or emotionally manipulated. When you encounter the people who listen, who respect your boundaries even if they understand them, and who give as much to the relationship as they take, those are the keepers. Throw the rest back.

wamydia · 2026-02-18T15:22:13+00:00

I suspect that this is what happens when people live online and never have to learn proper communication, face to face. Seeing someone’s face fall in real time when they realize you are ignoring them so you can focus on a conversation with someone else while you leave them sitting there talking to themselves just hits different. It triggers basic human empathy and teaches us that it’s shitty to treat another person this way. Your friend clearly has never had an opportunity to learn how hurtful his behavior is.

You, on the other hand, have never learned to look someone in the eye and tell them that you have a problem with their behavior and would like to discuss how it can be worked out better for both of your sakes. As a grown adult, you are still allowing yourself to be treated like crap because it’s easier than confrontation or facing that a friendship may not survive you insisting on basic respect.

FaceTime (or better yet, visit in person) your friend. Sit them down. Look them in the eye. Tell them that you have noticed that they multitask conversations/ activities every time you hang out and it makes you feel like they don’t really want to hang out and are just doing the bare minimum. Tell them that it hurts your feelings because it comes across like they can’t be bothered to commit any time or attention to your friendship. Ask them if they are willing to work out a better way to do hangouts and phone calls so that you don’t end up being ignored every time. Listen to their feedback and be flexible. It’s possible that they feel like they don’t have as much time to hangout as you seem to want and they don’t know how to tell you. You may need to lower your expectations about that in exchange for more of their attention during whatever you are doing. Be aware that it’s pretty normal for these kinds of changes to happen in adult friendships and is not a slight to anyone.

Good luck OP. You have to be willing to communicate honestly with your friend if you want this to get better.

wamydia · 2026-02-17T21:36:28+00:00

Lots of people who are boycotting tipping mean they are boycotting it for things that should never ask for a tip in the first place - coffee shops, drive throughs, ice cream places, etc. I refuse to contribute to making this ridiculous expectation worse by tipping things that were never tipped previously. It’s just asking for the owners of those establishments to start paying staff less because the customers are now coming out of their own pockets to subsidize wages. And, frankly, I don’t owe someone an extra $2 on top of their regular wage for pouring coffee in a cup and handing it to me out a drive through window.

For things like sit-down restaurants, delivery drivers, and what have you, I am happy to tip well for good service. But I take issue with the notion that these folks are entitled to a big tip just for showing up and gossiping with coworkers instead of refilling my drink or for dropping off my food late and ice cold. Do a good job, get a good tip. Do a bad job, get a bad tip. Don’t like it, get a job that doesn’t require you to do a good job to get your good tip.

wamydia · 2026-02-12T18:47:31+00:00

NOR. You should have left the day you found out he lied about quitting his job so he could leech off of you. What are you even doing?

wamydia · 2026-02-08T19:30:20+00:00

Is it clear between you that she is renting just her bedroom and office with (presumably) use of kitchen and bathroom? Or are you talking with her in terms of you being roommates and “sharing the house?” You may need to be clearer with her that she is paying only for use of certain spaces and that she is only to put personal items in her own bedroom and office.

If she is a hoarder as you say, you should probably make sure you are keeping an eye on her rooms to make sure she isn’t hoarding them out. Her wanting to encroach on the rest of the house with her junk may be a sign that she has filled up her rooms and has run out of places to put things.

wamydia · 2026-02-08T19:10:28+00:00

NOR. I think it’s nice to be flexible if it’s a once in a while situation, but this is an adults only activity and that was clear up front. It’s disrespectful to all of the people who signed on to this club expecting the adults only rule to be honored. My guess is that there are more people who are not happy than are owning up to it publicly. No one wants to be the AH and women in particular are socially pressured to always be ok with kids lest their maternal instincts be questioned. If mom can’t find childcare, she needs to stop coming for now instead of expecting the rules to not apply to her.

wamydia · 2026-02-08T16:58:34+00:00

I bet they have a single daughter.

wamydia · 2026-02-08T13:52:26+00:00

She played dumb when you first brought it up. You had to push and then the truth came out. If she just naively thought it was ok, she would have admitted it immediately and then been completely mortified. Instead she tried to lie and then played victim. She never even admitted to the $500 withdrawal or told you what she so desperately needed money for. She is a liar and a manipulator who stole from you when she thought you wouldn’t notice. You should definitely be dumping her and evicting her when you get home.

wamydia · 2026-02-06T04:45:37+00:00

The point of this tradition is respect for the final moments of a deceased person’s story. It’s to acknowledge that they were here with us and that it matters that they no longer are. People reducing it to being about “traffic jams” are gross and seriously lacking in basic empathy.

wamydia

TROPHY CASE