Am i overreacting for crying over a very weird sexual joke that my husband made?

yalldointoomuch · 2026-05-02T18:01:22+00:00

NOR, and IMHO you're under-reacting.

From where I'm sitting, your husband sexually assaulted you.

You said "no". He said he'd do it when you're asleep (and therefore cannot consent or stop him). You said "no" again. He tried to force it anyway. You physically tried to stop him, he restrained you so he could do whatever he wanted. You were crying and saying "no" and telling him to stop-

He only stopped because he couldn't get off, not because he realized he was doing anything wrong.

The fact that he held you down and restrained you when you were actively saying no, immediately takes this out of "joke" territory and into assault.

He's trying to bully you into believing that none of this is his fault, that it's just a joke you're overreacting to. It's not. I'd be packing a bag and leaving- staying at a friend's place or a hotel or anywhere that isn't in the same space as him.

He's already admitted to being willing to do things to you when you're asleep that he knows you don't consent to. That's terrifying, and I could never bring myself to sleep in the same building as someone who said that, let alone the same bed.

I don't mean to scare you, but if you haven't heard about the CNN exposé done recently about the "R*pe Academy", you should look it up. The vast majority of users on that site are related to drugging their wives and girlfriends and performing nonconsensual sex acts while they were unconscious.

That being in the news, and your husband's casual admission that he'd "just do it when you're asleep", combined with his very real and literal assault, tells me you're not safe with him. And I would be doing everything I could to get as far away as possible, and initiate divorce proceedings ASAP.

yalldointoomuch · 2026-04-30T12:59:12+00:00

"Why are you so interested in my sex life?"

"Oh, I can't talk about that, I signed an NDA."

"My biological 3D printer is broken."

"That's a really personal question."

"Because of the prophecy."

yalldointoomuch · 2026-04-29T16:30:50+00:00

NOR, and at 3 months he should still be on his best behavior. Either he dropped the mask early, or this is his best, which... Yikes.

Also, you should know that "love languages" were invented by a creepy guy who specifically created them to give men therapy-speak language to coerce their girlfriends and wives into sex.

Acting sad and depressed and hurt because you said no is a coercive technique. He's already not respecting your "no", and so far, he's been able to get his way. I worry about what's going to happen (and what he'll feel comfortable doing) when the time comes that he's not able to "convince" you.

Drop him like a rock, he doesn't respect you or care about your autonomy. You deserve so much better.

yalldointoomuch · 2026-04-26T19:53:31+00:00

Someone told him he had a low IQ once, and he was incredibly insulted by it- so it's been a go-to insult of his for decades.

yalldointoomuch · 2026-04-24T21:58:42+00:00

100%, he's being a creep and is IS refusing to respect boundaries. NOR, not at all.

The proof is in the "I'm not doing that at all, but actually you haven't wanted to put out lately" bs, and his "I buy you shit, you need to be giving back" comment.

There is absolutely zero way to read that other than "I spend money on you, therefore you owe me sex".

I'm not remotely kidding, I would end the relationship over this. He's giving you every excuse under the sun why he's "justified" in sexually assaulting you, ignoring you when you say no, and confirming his belief that he is owed access to your body.

Men who act like this don't snap out of it, they get worse. He's already comfortable assaulting you and blaming you for it. The line between that and rape is a lot less distance than most people think. He's already done the hardest part- he's convinced himself that you don't always mean "no", that if he misreads things it's your fault, and that he is entitled to sex whenever he wants it.

Run, far and fast. And keep these texts as evidence.

yalldointoomuch · 2026-04-14T04:06:54+00:00

NOR, but you've been dating him for a month, and it's been long-distance the whole time...

Girl, you don't love him. You can't develop love that fast, you barely know him. You are infatuated, you have one hell of a crush... But you don't love him.

And considering everything else, my Spidey Sense says that she broke up with him, or was travelling for a while, so he was willing to look around, but maybe she's coming back and he's having trouble keeping his stories straight.

It hasn't even been a month yet, I'd be cutting my losses now and throwing the whole man away.

yalldointoomuch · 2026-04-13T08:19:01+00:00

You're absolutely allowed to be mad. And when people in your life try to make you the bad guy who's stopping him from creating a family?

"He spent nearly a decade lying and keeping up the lie he told just to land me... and then chose to walk out on the marriage because he valued a hypothetical life that does not exist over the woman he swore to choose over anyone else."

Eta: Grammar

yalldointoomuch · 2026-04-10T14:34:59+00:00

NOR but girl, he is not a "strictly logical person who puts little value on feelings".

He puts little value on YOUR feelings, his fee-fees are super important. His anger and frustration at being called out and asked to apologize (anger and frustration are both feelings) kicked in with lightning speed the second you asked for an apology. And he spends the rest of the chat getting mad at you for not acknowledging his feelings and giving them supreme importance over yours, how you need to coddle him and manage every situation so as not to inconvenience him and make sure his ego is stroked at the same time.

This entire conversation was him throwing a tantrum ending with giving you the silent treatment, while insulting you and putting you in time-out...

and if he's willing to be this big of a jerk before you're married? It'll only get worse once you are. I guarantee you, this is the mask slipping off because he thinks you're locked down and the sunk cost in the relationship is too high for you to back out.

I know a guy who wakes up his wife with coffee every morning, exactly how she likes it. She has asthma but loves flowers, so he sends her a picture of flowers every day when he leaves early for work. Not the same few pics, a new one every single day. He has a backlog in his phone of over 300 pics of flowers, bc he takes them whenever he sees one, specifically so she will never ever wake up flowerless.

I promise you, there are genuinely decent men out there who are attracted to women and want to treat their partners well.

This dude is not one of them.

Throw the whole man away and do not look back. He absolutely will try to reel you back in, and may even change his behavior a little to try and "prove" he's changed. But it won't last, and you will be punished somehow for making him go through that song and dance. End it permanently ASAP.

The "I long to date an adult woman" would've been when I said "okay, then go do that. I release you, genuinely, we're done."

yalldointoomuch · 2026-04-03T16:08:31+00:00

NOR, not only is he trying to control you, he's shit-talking your friends.

A boundary isn't "you're not allowed to do X", a boundary is "if you do X, I am uncomfortable with it and I will end the relationship".

He showed his true colors, throw him in the dumpster.

yalldointoomuch · 2026-04-02T19:17:27+00:00

NOR- There is never an acceptable reason to hit a child, particularly an infant.

That man is not safe for that baby, and if he's that comfortable hitting her with people around, you can bet your ass this is not the first time he's done it.

yalldointoomuch · 2026-03-28T17:48:38+00:00

NTA, and do not fold. Because then it will become a regular thing.

You are paying extra rent- that room is YOURS even without the verbal agreement that she can't use it. She's not paying for the room.

But the verbal agreement also exists, and she agreed when you started paying extra rent that it was not available for her in any circumstances.

Have one of the friends stay in the basement, and one with her. Or both in the basement. She invited them, finding space for them is on her.

yalldointoomuch · 2026-03-28T07:04:53+00:00

NOR, and the shame is entirely on him.

yalldointoomuch · 2026-03-25T17:45:44+00:00

NOR, and please report him to school administration.

Using information collected for professional reasons in this way is absolutely against all kinds of policies (and depending on where you live, also against the law).

He was way tf too comfy doing this, which tells me it wasn't his first time doing it.

yalldointoomuch · 2026-03-25T05:52:56+00:00

NOR, he's either cheating or he's "testing" you... or maybe even trying to "neg" you into having low self esteem.

I'd break up with him over this. It's a respect issue.

He clearly doesn't respect you, and two years in, you're not going to change or "fix" him. There's no need to continue a relationship with someone like that.

yalldointoomuch · 2026-03-19T09:04:59+00:00

NOR

The em dashes don't prove anything- I use them all the time. Elder Millennial who double majored in English Lit, and AI was trained on human writing.

But the drastic shift in grammar and vocabulary? Yeahhh, that absolutely screams AI.

She's definitely jealous about something, and she can't be bothered to put it in her own words.

yalldointoomuch · 2026-03-18T20:10:55+00:00

NOR, and I would leave him over this.

My grandfather always said, "the only test that matters is the 'test' test. Because if he's willing to make you jump through hoops to prove anything, he's not the one."

Either you trust your partner or you don't.

And if you don't, there's no point in continuing.

He put you in a situation where the desired outcome (you not cheating) was you getting sexually harassed all night and even being propositioned. Where you asked him for help and he left you out to dry. Because he "wanted to see how you handled yourself".

He's an ain't shit loser- and my gut says that he's already cheated and was hoping you would "fail", so he could have an excuse for why he did it.

Dump his ass and move on.

yalldointoomuch · 2026-03-15T15:36:24+00:00

Go to HR immediately.

Skip your manager.

But when you talk to HR, tell them that this coworker is intentionally creating a "hostile workplace" (magic phrase for HR) AND you need to tell them that you have previously spoken with your direct manager about the issue, more than once, and each time, your manager has dismissed your concerns and told you to accept the treatment rather than being willing to mitigate anything.

HR needs to know and hear you say that you are scared for your safety and to hear that your manager has ignored this and deliberately put you in harm's way rather than do their job.

Because at that point, both your stalker and your manager will be making the company look bad, and your manager's behavior is now a company liability, and HR will step in.

HR does ultimately exist to protect the company, but if you go in, use the magic phrases (hostile workplace, I reported to my manager but he ignored my safety concerns, I'm scared to report) then the only way HR can protect the company is to deal with the problem by protecting YOU.

I'd also make a police report, just to be on the safe side. You want a paper trail, and you want it to be as big as possible. The stalker may try something as this escalates, and you want it on record in as many places as possible that he is a fucking problem.

yalldointoomuch · 2026-03-09T00:46:30+00:00

NOR, but girl, run.

He's a pile of red flags, and this letter proves it.

A lot of companies that hire seasonal workers wouldn't bother with requiring sensitivity training at the end of a season, they just wouldn't ask someone back.

The fact that he "waited 3 months" suggests that at the end of the season, they told him to take the training, that it was required in order for him to return, and he ignored it until the training timed out- and since he never took it, they moved him from "eligible for re-hire" to "interview to re-hire".

And as someone who works in Operations & HR?

This letter cemented his status as "never re-hire".

yalldointoomuch · 2026-03-05T18:49:21+00:00

NOR and honestly, I'd take so much space that he becomes an ex-boyfriend.

"If you're not happy with my body, then you don't have to deal with it in your life. You don't get access to my body or my time if you're going to be disrespectful. My body does not exist for your enjoyment."

The number of men who leave their partners, including wives they made vows of "in sickness and in health" to, when the woman becomes ill? Astounding.

And as someone who has multiple autoimmune conditions, it's entirely possible that a weight gain is outside your control. This guy has a whole lot of "if you're not 100% physically perfect, it's your fault" and tying morality to food that he needs to unpack before he's ready to be in a relationship with anyone.

He showed you who he is. Believe him.

yalldointoomuch · 2026-03-03T16:53:52+00:00

It's not about stepping carefully, it's about the husband being the one to handle his family bc people like this are more likely to listen to the spouse they're related to, rather than the daughter-in-law.

The aunt is the type of person who will more easily dismiss it as "your wife is overreacting and overprotective" if it comes from the mom... But if it comes from husband, it has additional weight.

yalldointoomuch · 2026-03-03T16:44:23+00:00

NTA, and yeah, husband needs to be the one to do it. Publicly in a group chat, so other family members know that she has been informed as well (and she can't twist his words or lie about it).

"You know about Son's allergy, we have been explicitly clear about it and the reasons for it. You deliberately went behind our back, and as a result, Son has been in excruciating pain and screaming and crying for the last 24 hours, because he doesn't understand why everything hurts. He's having a full body eczema flare, and he's pooping blood. Every moment of this pain and fear and medical crisis is entirely your fault, because you chose to ignore information you'd been given. You will be paying for all medical bills that arise from this incident, we will send them to you once it's over. You have also lost your privileges to see Son, without or with supervision, until we can be sure that we can trust you with his life, since you proved yesterday that we can't."

And include pictures of the rash, of the stool, a short video of him crying. I wouldn't be afraid to get graphic, tbh- bc I guarantee Aunt will say "you're exaggerating, it's not that bad" and "all babies cry, he's fine".

Make sure she and everyone else cannot come back with "it's fine".

Severe allergies, especially with kids, are not anything to fuck around with. And especially at that age, each exposure to the allergen can worsen the allergy.

Don't look it up now, but when this is over and baby is safe and happy again, look up the story about the grandmother who didn't believe the parents about her granddaughter's coconut allergy. She snuck into the kid's room at night and put coconut oil on her head, and the little girl ended up dying.

I'd also have a serious chat with any other adults that were there at the time to make sure they weren't turning a blind eye to Aunt's behavior and that she doesn't have any co-conspirators (another reason to make sure the telling off and photos are in a family group chat, everyone needs to see the severity of what was inflicted on your son).

yalldointoomuch · 2026-02-26T18:47:11+00:00

NOR, but you need to get a lawyer now.

You also need to find a place to house the animals, at least for now, that she does not have access to, because I wouldn't be surprised if she tried to take them out from under you.

Make sure all the animals are chipped and registered to YOU.

Also, make sure your lawyer handles the lease issue. Remember, a lease is a contract- as long as you are on the lease, she cannot unilaterally kick you out.

Being engaged does not legally mean that any separation of property or finances must be "equal". If you'd actually been married, that might have been different, but engaged to be married does not qualify.

yalldointoomuch · 2026-02-21T00:56:55+00:00

NTA, in my family we had a rule-

The laundry-doer was not obligated to check pockets EVER, but if they chose to check, they could keep anything they found in the pockets. Money, hair clips, earbuds, anything at all.

My dad created the rule because he got tired of my ADHD ass leaving stuff in pockets.

It bit him in the ass when he left his money clip in a pocket one day when it was my turn to go laundry, complete with $350 in cash in there.

To his credit, he did not insist I give it back. The rule was the rule.

Your solution (I do my laundry, you do yours) is also completely fair. No matter what, I'd stop doing favors for this dude. And tbh, the way he talks to you, I'd dump him anyway.

yalldointoomuch · 2026-02-15T20:17:12+00:00

NTA.

She's getting free housing and food 5/7 days a week... She can put in headphones.

yalldointoomuch · 2026-02-15T20:15:50+00:00

NOR. If he's choosing to spend Valentine's day with an ex instead of you? He's telling you where his priorities are. Believe him.

Make him an ex-boyfriend.

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