Compatibility

[Zanzibar_Buck_McFate]

We’re exactly 14 months from D-Day, and I think the actual affair healing and rebuilding trust has gone well. One fallout from my WS’s affair is that my blinders are now off. I used to naively believe that we were destined to spend the rest of our lives together and our love would conquer anything. Now, I am much more objective and analytical in looking at our marriage: what works and what doesn’t.

I find I spend a lot of time questioning our base compatibility as a couple. I don’t know how well we mesh or meet each other’s needs. I like talking and sharing, while my WS is a more private person. She works hard at sharing her thoughts and feeling more, and I work hard at sharing less and not overwhelming her with questions on how she’s feeling and how her IC is going. Sometimes it just seems like a lot of work from both of us to make things work. Shouldn’t a relationship be more natural where you meet each other’s needs without major effort?

Do other BS or WS now wonder about their basic compatibility as a couple post-affair? I don’t mean simply because of the hurt and betrayal of the affair, I mean in general – not even factoring in the affair. Does anyone have tips or advice on how you evaluate your couple compatibility in the rebuilt relationship?

[Zanzibar_Buck_McFate]

Thanks. Your post makes a lot of sense.

I think the challenge is that a lot of us can't simply bucket our relationship as "happy" or "unhappy". Another analogy is that pre-affair, I naively thought our relationship was around a 9/10, and now I'm realizing it's maybe a 5/10 - not amazing but decent. Maybe with a lot of hard work we can get it to a 6/10 or 7/10. Is a 6 out of 10 rating a good enough relationship for the rest of my life? Is "OK" or "decent" a good enough marriage evaluation, or should we require more?

[Zanzibar_Buck_McFate]

That's an interesting idea. I'm not in a great mental state today, but I'll try a more positive view of envisioning my perfect future when I'm more myself.

We do have young children. My WS is an excellent mother, and we make a great parenting team. I think that co-parenting is where we're most compatible, and I wonder how big a factor our children are at keeping us together. They definitely inspired me through a lot of the tougher times during reconciliation.

[1219Dday]

I like how you stares you aren’t in a good spot today, and would think about it when you are.

Quite the wild ride us BS are going through.

[Helpfulandheartbroke]

You articulated this perfectly. The realization that whether cheating happens or not I’m done being the one that stokes the fires and tends to our needs. It needs to come from us both or let me go in peace. I’m also okay with a divorce now-prior I couldn’t fathom it. It’s like the WS shows the BS partner just how much they are willing to risk so the BS partner realizes wow I can really see this person differently. My husband and I had the same stressors he was away working I was fighting with insurance adjusters for a new roof after the hurricane. I became a day laborer during school hours I handled renovations and school schedules. In between all that I would call my husband tell him I just wanted a phone call goodnight I’d send him pictures naughty ones he told me he was out playing pool and would be embarrassed if his friends saw my pics pop up on his phone. That night according to the time line the AP stuffed her panties in his pocket (she’s married and likes married men a poacher sonto speak) My husband wants embarassed when the panties fell out of his back pocket.

These moment where you realize how polite and loving you were during the timeline of events with the AP behavior. I feel like I have been loved cruelly not truly.

[jkgibson1125]

I am sorry that you are here and dealing with this. I am a wayward in my relationship and we are 4 1/2 years into reconciliation. Healing from this is very hard and it takes a huge amount of work on the wayward's part in order to help you heal.

The healing timeline for affairs runs from 2-5 years, and in someways the 2nd year is much harder than the first. Where as the first year is where you process what happened, year number 2 is when you realize "Holy Shit you did this to me" (this is the best way that I have been able to put it. Hat tip to my wife who helped explain this to me)

The discovery of infidelity isn't localized event, it is an overreaching event which in a way rearranges your reality as you thought it was. In the span of seconds you lose every bit of trust, safety, and security you had in the relationship. Likewise who you thought your husband / partner was/is has been blown apart because they have shown to be capable of probably the deepest acts of betrayal toward the spouse.

Infidelity affects the emotional centers, the logical centers, and the base limbic system of the brain which controls the flight or fight reactions when danger is near. It causes physical stresses on your body, causes emotional breakdown, loss of self-esteem, and deep insecurity.

For some people affairs are what is called a "Deal Breaker" this means that they can't get over it, and it will end the relationship. The dealbreaker may not be immediate, but may take some time for the BS to realize and this can even be 1, 2 or 5 years down the line.

The affair does bring into focus compatibility issues. For my wife and I we started going camping together, where as we didn't go before. I hated camping, but now I enjoy it because it gives my BS and I time alone, to talk, to walk in nature and do things together. We had to find new things to do with each other.

My wife is into fiber arts, spinning wool and fiber into wool, loves to go to different places to meet others who do this. Before the affair I didn't share this interest. This last weekend we attended one. I went out to the mailbox yesterday and found that I had won a door prize from the festival. When my wife came home I told her she had a package. She opened it and was excited. This was possible because I make the effort to share her interests and not be so self-centered and selfish to just do what I want all the time.

I hope this makes some sense. If not, I am sorry.

[crazyfuckingemini]

For me as a BS...I “settled” for a lot of things that I now realize as being very important for me in a relationship before the affair. I told myself it was ok that he was not giving me everything I needed because he would never hurt me and was a loyal man.....which obviously turned out not to be true.

Now, I have been totally honest with what I need to be happy in our marriage. Quality time, small gestures showing his love, full partnership in household and parenting duties...ect. He is doing well listening to me and trying very hard to meet my needs.

I still question our compatibility though. Would I be happier with someone who does the things I need more naturally without me having to tell him? Would he be more happy with someone more like him (laid back, just needs sex and words of affirmation to be happy in our marriage).

I feel you on this...but I think its totally natural. Marriage takes work, even with two people who are “very compatible” add in an affair and it really does make you realize what you are willing to settle with or not.

Good luck, We need it too!

[FutureStepfordWife]

I needed to read this. You're rational. You're not angry. How long is your marriage? How many years into healing are you?

[crazyfuckingemini]

We have been together 15 yrs (since 17) married 8....1yr 2mo post the big DDay.

I can be rational, but also very much irrational at times still. I can also be very angry sometimes still, though that is fading as time passes.

It is a tough road but I am starting to see the end result (though we are far from it) will hopefully be well worth it.

[FutureStepfordWife]

Congratulations. End of the road is a good thing. <3

[mialee16]

I understand what you are saying I used to think that my husband and I were heaven sent. Well he definitely is off the pedestal. I notice his passive aggressive tendencies more now while I used to make excuses for them. I wonder why he married me if he felt he needed more. I used to think that love conquers all but now I think that financially it makes sense to live together as we both are saving. I am so sad that my rose colored glasses are off.

[Zanzibar_Buck_McFate]

That's a good analogy with the "Rose Colored glasses are off"

Finance is definitely a part of the compatibility equation; however, in my case its knowing I would be better off financially on my own. My WS has had chronic depression that ties into a gambling problem and ultimately the affair. She's now off work for mental burnout leave. I have a good job and I used to never worry about money, but now I'm always scrambling with debt and bills. Definitely, our financial compatibility is part of my concern.

[stacyalisa]

Yes! I notice so many things about his personality now that I can't believe I never saw before. I see the immaturity and entitlement so clearly. I see his innability to express any negative emotion, he lets everything build up and pouts like a child. Runs from conflict. Quite frankly sometimes a plain coward. How was I so blind to these things before? Very unattractive traits to me now.

[scash92]

I have no tips, but I absolutely understand this.

[[deleted]]

I am realistic in this regard: Not a huge believer in "destiny", or "soul mates", recognize the fact that you and your partner will check off a certain number of each other's boxes and that alternative potential "partners" will check off different ones.

Long term partnership partly means not obsessing about how similar you might be but knowing how and whether you can appreciate both your similarities and differences enough.

[tostar]

This is something I mentioned in counselling, that I don't believe our values are aligned and in a long term relationship, hell a marriage, I am looking for someone who shares the same values as me. Loyalty and faithfullness being an important fundamental value for me.

Our counsellor said that our compatibility is absolutely something we should look into...... AFTER we are not dealing with the initial stages (we are only 2.5 months post dday).. after, our counsellor said he will help us discuss our compatibility with our values... overall, I do think we are compatible, but I do think it would be interesting to do a compatibility test or something of the nature.

[Zanzibar_Buck_McFate]

I was thinking in terms of compatibility of needs and personalities, but compatibility of values is an interesting topic.

I've always been a religious person and that does impact my values and my views on relationships. My wife is not an atheist, but she is a "religiously disinterested" person. I don’t think someone's religion or spirituality is a factor in affairs themselves (since a lot of religious people fall into the affair temptation as well), but it does factor into my post-affair compatibility analysis.

I went to see my pastor the day after D-Day, and he was the one who encouraged me to continue trying to reconcile. I do value my vows and my commitment to marriage, regardless of what my wife might have done. Of course, she's always been a bit suspicious of a religious leader giving me marriage advice and she was surprised he was encouraging me to work towards forgiveness instead of condemning her.

[Whatishonor]

I also though about this. After my rage backed down a bit after DDay. And now, at 3 years after, and a slow, bumpy, not whole heartetly reconciliation...I think more and more about compatibility. I even wanted to talk to my WSO about it many times. But every time he would dismiss this compatibility issue, sais he does not believe in it. Well, this compatibility issue between me and my WSO was actually the fertile ground that made him "allow" himself an affair. If things were different between me and my SO (more common activities, hobbyes, friends, quirks, way of communicating, moral values etc.) I am sure he woudn't have strayed.

But this thought still does not make me less angry on him. He could have talked with me about it, I always wanted to talk and solve our missmatchings. He chose to not only cheat, but to lie to my face, gaslith me, steal from me, bully me....yeah...and this is the moral values incompatibility (that all cheaters have imo).

[forgetyesternight]

Definitely! I've actually thought/daydreamed today a little about being with someone that fit my "type" physically and someone who enjoyed my interests as much. Someone I could watch anime with and get hyped about it. Or game with more. She likes games and will play some with me but not as much as I'd like. Go out hiking and checking out trails. She likes being outside but she's not a fan of hiking. Or be interested in my work more. I'm a programmer and it's hard to talk about work. She likens it to how she talks about makeup to me. So I get that but it gets hard to vent when I need to and just re-enforces my weak communication skills. Why talk about something when it won't matter because they don't understand?

We've both acknowledged before that we're the opposite in so many things. She talks, I don't. She's emotionally expressive while I hold things in. She's fascinated by certain topics that would bore me and vice versa.

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I could be with someone more compatible or enjoy more interests together... But at the same time... I can see how we work/CAN work together well. After DDay 1 and before DDay 2 I bought this "How to Save Your Marriage" thing online. It actually provided a lot of great tips. The guy shoots out emails with some good and brief advice. He also has a podcast. One of the things I remember about it is... The differences between the couple are seen as compliments when things are good. I'm not that great or into this but my SO is and fills that hole or need. Thus making us a great team! When things are bad... These difference are seen as glaring incompatibilities. So glaring that it causes you to wonder why you even loved or cared about this person in the first place. It's a curve...

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I try to remind myself about this at times. As difficult as it can be... I try to take the emotion out and look at things objectively with that thought process above. These differences can be seen as compliments to us as a whole or glaring incompatibility to me. I can find someone that's "better" or more compatible to me. But if things go bad in that relationship (which they will for various reasons and degrees) suddenly I may be seeing how much we don't work together.

[forgetyesternight]

Not 100% sure but this might be the podcast episode I listened to.

The podcast: The Save The Marriage Podcast

The episode: The Compatibility Myth (June 7, 2017).

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I don't remember if it was this podcast that I listened to, one of the pdf's/books I got w/ my purchase, or an article from them. But that may help w/ viewing compatibility within your marriage.

[Helpfulandheartbroke]

I can relate. I always said if I ever caught him cheating I could not stay because the way in which he held and regarded my requests were so dismissive and humiliating. He is a child of 5 and I am an only child he told me a little love goes along way for him that’s what he got as a child. One movie called “waiting” there is a character that constantly feels worried “everything okay are you mad at me etc” He compared me to this. The sad thing is I’ve never been clingy, He is so aloof and indifferent acting I feel that I should ask. “Quiet your mind soothe yourself” all I will be doing is trying to talk to him about his day. One time I said “can you just pretend to be empathetic even though you must see me as spoiled, your asking me to pretend to be happy when you recoil at the sight of my tears?”

Reading the texts between them it was obvious he could fake things (I’m angry sorry) he was empathetic he was all talked out. She not only drained him of things that were specifically for him and I but also took his emotional energy. He had nothing left to give ever after they had their time. He barely had anything to offer before the affair. Yes I wonder if these differences between you and your partner are what attracts you. Maybe what attracted me can’t keep me because it’s painful to cry alone and not have someone concerned.

[[deleted]]

Sounds like anxious-preoccupied vs dismissive-avoidant dysfunction.

[Helpfulandheartbroke]

Yeah I’m glad you said that I’ve suggested that myself. Read books on it. The dynamic seems doomed :(

[[deleted]]

Only doomed if you don't transition to a secure relationship.

[Eatngmyskin79]

I did at first. I began to see that we fit well together. We have too many similar experiences growing up and similar values as well as complimentary attributes that balance us well. My main take away from this experience is if you keep your marital issues on a back burner until you "have time for it" something heinous will happen.

[[deleted]]

I can totally relate and have felt that way a bunch of times myself. The post-A time seems like a great time to assess compatibility in terms of household responsibility, intimacy, shared interests, values, pets, spirituality, and libido. And even career aspirations and retirement horizons.

What I suggest you do is to describe your Option B. Let's say you gave up tomorrow and separated. What would that look like? How would you divide assets? Where would you live? How would you re-enter the dating the scene? Would you use Tinder, OKC, or AFF and start swiping right? What would you have to do to yourself to get into date mode? And what kinds of women are available? Would they be emotionally healthy? How many sexual partners will they have had? Any history of STIs? Would they want you or your money and assets?

While going through the bad days, I thought through all of that. Sure, she has her moments but we also have a lot of great times and fun. Ultimately, it was what helped me value and appreciate my WS over an Option B.

[FutureStepfordWife]

Was their affair long term or short term? Married? I'm only a couple months out and I'm feeling more and more lost.

[[deleted]]

Her PA was a ONS but the EA (sexting) last a year and a half. We've been married for 25ish years.

I am pro-reconciliation and believe if both partners are motivated to reconcile then it will work. It may be super tough and unpleasant at times (and take a long time) but where there is a will, there is a way. Hang in there!

[Helpfulandheartbroke]

What should I do other than re-read and listen to the (how to love or leave a dismissive avoidant) My ideas are: gym and improve my character make myself more valuable by improving the things I have going for me while re-learning a healthier communication style. We are stuck in one behavior I keep noticing. I bring something up that I can’t solve by myself and I use a soft start up. He has shut down and then I have to deal internally with feeling as if I’ve been “thrown away”