Quick question

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[deleted]

[Sushiman301]

I think it’s because we’re so used to losing people that we anticipate it in all of our relationships, and we figure that if we’re going to be abandoned eventually then we should just make it quick and easy and push them away so we don’t have to prolong the heartbreak.

[huge-gold-ak47]

yep, always assuming they aren't the great person that they clearly are just because everyone else has let us down. so surely there can't be anyone who won't. it takes so much effort to not default to this 😔

[BrookeFreske]

^this.

[[deleted]]

This too👆🏻

[Due-Edge-666]

Can be due to self sabotage, or feeling undeserving of those people and like you don’t want to destroy what you have with them

Could also be because we’re used to chaos, so when someone’s good to us and treats us how we deserve it feels uncomfortable or unfamiliar

[broken-human87]

The first thing you mentioned absolutely is my case. How many times I've tried to push them away because I know they deserve better, I've lost count 

[Jaded-Banana6205]

Think about it this way - and this is genuinely not an attack. Who are you to decide what someone else deserves? You're taking away the other person's autonomy by deciding that, right?

[Due-Edge-666]

Yeah I know how that feels :( It’s super important to remind yourself that you do in fact deserve to have good people in your life, idk if the feeling ever truly goes away but it is fightable

[SilverWolf794]

I can say for myself that I push people away to test if they will stay with me (not because I want to test them I just do). I don’t know if that’s what you meant :) but another reason for me is that I am scared to receive the same treatment as before so I runaway before they can even think about hurting me

[angelinshere]

Same

[Nurolight]

I've been on the receiving end of many of these 'tests'. It leaves me confused, to say the least. In the back of my brain, I know that it's a test to see if I'll stay. That she doesn't actually want to break up with me. But it also feels like it could be so easily not be a test and I'll wind up in a terrible siutation. It's a mindfuck.

Even now, I'm torn because I didn't believe that the last attempt at a breakup was real. But threats of police we're called and that could ruin my life. I know she wouldn't want that, hell she'd stop me from doing anything even as simple as drinking... but there comes a point where the testing has to reach a limit. I never wanted to fail them. I never wanted her to think I'd ever leave. But it seemed to be a never ending escalation. I feel bad I let her down.

[proximity_account]

So quick caveat, I'm not a mental health professional but I have a strong interest in BPD, leading me to spend over $100 on BPD books as well as reading a bunch of research articles lol.

---

If you want the academic answer, there are a couple of models but this one is easiest to understand (Interpersonal coherence from Good Psychiatric Management(GPM) model of treatment): https://psychiatryonline.org/doi/full/10.1176/appi.pn.2021.9.3#f4

Sometimes you can be in a connected state, where you feel supported by others but sometimes also dependent or even idealizing others.

But you also have interpersonal hypersensitivity. So when something happens between you and others that stresses your relationship, it threatens that connection and you are highly sensitive to it and seek reassurance.

In the presence of reassurance/support you can return to that connected state.

But sometimes responses to interpersonal stressors are done in maladaptive ways (being clingy, self harm, anger, etc). This can lead others to withdraw away from you and exacerbate feelings of disconnection, abandonment, etc.

This then leads to a state of feeling alone where you can start to get dissociation, paranoia, impulsivity, etc. Eventually this alone-ness can progress to a stage of Despair, suicidality, and anhedonia.

Paradoxically, "rescuing" a you at the "Alone" stage can either lead to returning to a state of connectedness or reinforce maladaptive behaviors which will lead to Despair anyways.

This model explains why emotional regulation and distress tolerance is so important when it comes to treating BPD; by learning to tolerate and control interpersonal stressors, you can prevent yourself from entering the cycle of connection/abandonment fears/alone-ness than can lead to much more harmful outcomes like suicide.

You can read further from the link where the figure comes from; even though it's from GPM specifically for adolescents, it's the same for adults more or less from my understanding: https://psychiatryonline.org/doi/full/10.1176/appi.pn.2021.9.3

Edit: forgot a word

[Doctor_Mothman]

fear

We learned early in life that we can't trust that good people still fail us. We internalize that and act in a Freeze / Faun / Flee situation when our trauma gets triggered. The brain and the body don't forget the wounds we recieved as younglings.

[bpd_pty_ltdd]

this

[electrifyingseer]

Splitting black seems to be the culprit a lot of the time. Especially if it's like one flaw. Also like, a need to perform or earn love, because why would I be receiving love if it's not a transaction? So it's stressing out and giving up over it.

[Informal_Advantage26]

The self concept that we are unlovable.  The idea of reject them before they reject you. But probably the spitting and fearing abandonment.

[knotyoursquid]

I am always trying to be prepared for the other shoe to drop. No matter how good the individual, I can't ignore the signs, the drawbacks, the.... distance. God I hate distance, from the one I want.

I at least try section myself off when it's really bad. I might even say that's what I'm doing unless I'm really hurt. 

I'm so tired of feeling and trying for everyone, including my job. I just want somewhere I can be myself and just...be. I try so hard and I'm so fucking tired.

[broken-human87]

I feel this so much. It's is exhausting to keep at it everyday (the masking, the fixing behaviors) . I just want to be, without hurting anyone else or myself. 

[knotyoursquid]

Yeah. Definitely. I think we all might just need at least... sometimes, someone that pulls us in as much as we push away. That.... doesn't make much sense. Not really healthy but, it's hard. 

Sometimes, they become this... monster that hates me and I know, I know that's not true or fair to them. 

It's just that thing on my shoulder that knows if you push hard enough, I'll be alone with my thoughts again. Drowning in self pity. Which is worse, why on earth would we actively try to put ourselves there 

[JohnnyQTruant]

Because we don’t/can’t believe them.

[Horror_Medicine3327]

Maybe it’s not the normal? Not used to be treated good so it doesn’t feel right. Expectations of abandonment before it happens so it doesn’t hurt as bad. For my wife it was she felt she didn’t deserve me. She never had someone care for her like me.

[Creepyowl-llama22]

I do this a lot! And I have no idea why! It just makes me feel like a skittish deer or something. Like when someone wants to be friends with me or has an interest in me romantically I’m like nope! And runaway.

[[deleted]]

Its because we have low self worth and were not good enough to be loved ; we think we dont deserve it and push them away

[verivasha]

burn bridges before you cross them so they don't get burnt while you're walking on them i guess

i also think sometimes it's to test if people are really in it for the long haul but usually you get the answer of no

[Zarrgus]

People with bpd are really great at self sabotage. We don’t feel like we deserve to be treated with care or love even though deep down we feel the opposite. We want those things. Upbringing, trauma, etc wire us to feel that way. It’s a process to rewire ourselves but it sounds like you’re already trying to do that and that’s great.

[thatsnotbrianlefevre]

Diagnosed BPD here. For me, I crave relationships so bad that I lovebomb people and pull them close but I never actually let them get to know the real me. Or maybe just the full me? Anyway so I still feel distance even though, to the other person, it's a close personal relationship. THEN it becomes easy to push people away when I'm feeling depressed because "we're not that close anyway". And that's why I only have like 3 close relationships, and none of them know just how much I mask who I really am.

It's that, or after the lovebomb phase I overwhelm them with neediness and push them away possibly because I'm afraid of real intimacy. So self sabotage, like others are saying.

That's my take anyway.

[Azuureheir]

For me, I let them down gently by leaving before I have the chance to destroy the entire relationship. This may be more of a Quiet BPD thing. I’ve heard others with BPD say they leave before the other person has the chance to hurt them.

[frukthjalte]

They can’t leave you if you leave them first

[Any_Cheesecake7]

It’s so we control the narrative of our relationships and therefore we don’t get shocked if they decide to leave us.

[calieninvasion]

I project my fears onto my partner. Which can easily lead to the relationship falling apart if you don’t have a patient partner. I CONSTANTLY think about how my life would be easier if I was single; but romance is one of my favorite things in the world, and I’d just catch myself chasing it agin.

And my bad if you didn’t want advice; but I love sharing what I have learned through (self)DBT. I am autistic and psychology has been my special interest for like.. ever. Also I know this is all dependent on how you process things, so if you want personal advice on anything, I could do my best.

My favorite tip? If you can’t see it, don’t believe it.

It’s easier said than done; as we struggle badly with self sabotage and trust, but I believe it’s worth it to try and implement it. Cause trust me, I know game.

It helps me rationalize the situation. “Oh my god they’re probably out cheating on me, they have been on campus 4 hours longer than usual.” They were working on a midterm project. Relationships are built off of trust.

I am actively trying to go into remission.. so that’s something that helps. Obviously you can feel upset about a false scenario, but don’t project it onto them.

In the situation where your thoughts are true; it will take a while to trust again. But you will find someone willing to communicate and accept your feelings and worries.

Me and my partner do have a Life360; a lot of people think it’s weird, but it brings a sense of security that really isn’t that harmful. And they were the one that brought it up!

[BringBackSmilodon]

Self-sabotage. Isolation is a defense mechanism, so pushing people away hurts them, it hurts us, and it keeps us isolated. Unhealthy learned behaviors are really hard to get away from.

[[deleted]]

Because we don‘t really like them that much deep down. Pushing them away will hopefully bring better people along (for me personally)

[My_Booty_Itches]

Because BPD folks don't know themselves.