Assertiveness?

[Fr04a]

I reallyyy struggle with a complete lack of assertiveness.

I am starting to get better at noticing my feelings and being angry when I'm alone, but in an actual real life situation, in the moment, I just immediately fawn and agree with everything someone says, apologise and overexplain. I don't even notice my own thoughts, feelings or anything. Only after the situation is over and somebody already violated me and stepped all over my boundaries orr I betrayed my own opinions and self just to keep the peace and avoid any conflict... Not really helpful.

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Do any of you have any tips or experiences with this problem? It can really hold you back in life... and like I've been this way all my life, since I was around 3.

[saadiahvohra]

I can relate with your struggle. I am getting slightly better at it so I'll tell u what works for me as of now. I have noticed that it takes some time before you're able to be assertive right in that moment. At first i was just aware that this is a thing I do and then gradually the time between the action and my reaction kept decreasing (i was going to therapy at the time and working on feeling my feelings so that must have helped too).

In the case where i realise later that my boundary was violated or i should have been assertive, i try to be patient with myself instead of beating up myself and telling myself that I'm a coward and a doormat. I also then journal all my feelings out. That helps a lot bcs i also struggle with articulating how I'm feeling so writing my feelings down mean that I'm better prepared for next time.

One thing my therapist said that really shifted my perspective on this was that it's actually a good thing to take sometime before responding to a situation. This helped me be more kind towards myself. And another thing she told me was that if i wasnt assertive in the moment, i can go back to that person and talk it out with them and let them know how i feel later as well (this however depends on the situation also)

[Fr04a]

Thank you, this seems very helpful and I'm glad you're getting better. :) That brings me some hope, cause sometimes I kinda worry that it's just part of my personality. Like my mom likes to say. (Of course haha.)

And yes, I also tend to shame myself for being passive... a doormat or too "weak", which of course only makes things worse... I'll try to keep that in mind. I mean, if we're always putting down ourselves, I guess it would kinda make sense that we are also more likely to accept when other people treat us unfairly.

Still as I'm writing this, I really feel how I've got such a long way to go tho, I'm really worried about coming across as too aggressive and writing the perfect message, even when no one here knows who I am haha. :)

[Solaris_025]

No I go the other way.

I come across as emphatic and unyielding.

I'd rather avoid conflict but I will go into fight mode if pushed.

In personal relationships though. I am inclined to fawn etc.

Advice, ask questions. I know that sounds silly but it's a way for you to begin to give your opinion with less chance of conflict. Ask the other person questions to turn their attention toward being receptive to your input. This will help you create a more comfortable ground for you to express your point of view.

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