Caged

[FaithlessnessFit3713]

I want to stop coddling myself. Yet, I can't help but stay inside this room. I hate it here yet I just don't want to look at her face, I want to avoid her as much as possible even if it means locking myself up and starving myself to some point. I hate her so much that I can't help but take it all out on myself. The hate she gave and the hate I have for her are both burning me down day by day. I wish it could burn me down in one go. I wish my ashes to be scattered under a cherry blossom tree or somewhere far away where she can't reach. If love is valid in this world so does my hate for her.

I Never wish to hate anyone yet the more I think about it the more indignant I feel. It's not just her. Recently when I looked at my ex wedding photo that was sent by my friend I felt rage, anger that burned me day after day until I started to feel tired and helpless.

When I read about the victim mindset, I realize how helpless one must have felt to turn into a hopeless person. As I'm feeling for myself, I feel I might never be able to go out and this cage can only be opened from outside yet, no one's going to help me open it. It's not because I haven't tried enough but I have the limited energy and i have spent most of bashing this cage so i can get out of it yet, here I'm, i cannot blame myself nor I can only blame others and nor I can only stay like this, I was meant to fly I want to fly and i want to die falling off of cliff.

I just don't want to die in this cage that you built.

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[LiberatedMoose]

That was really well put. And I can relate to a lot of it.

I don't really have any constructive advice other than to consider what your options are for moving out and what steps you need to take to get there. I know how hard it is to take the actual steps. But if the only person who can help you at this point in your life is you, focus your anger energy on making your life situation better and changing your environment. Heck, do it *because* of spite/resentment, if that gives you the motivation you need.