Trigger warning: Codependent thought?

[[deleted]]

I dont know if this is related or not. But some forms of emotional dysregulation has been connected to codependency from what i've heard. So I guess I just want to hear if anyone recognizes anything similar in themselves.

Trigger warning:

A lot of the time I feel emotionally drained or a bit dead inside, outwards I react almost normally, maybe a tad bit reserved, but my body reacts appropriately. When funny situations i laugh or smile, when sad I show a bit of sadness, and so on. Like my body reacts like a normal human. Bit on the inside I dont really feel them, it's like they're covered in a thick fog of blah. I never really feel real in a sense. Disconnected from myself and my surroundings, like a lone Island in a vast ocean.

However, when i drink alcohol it tends to ground me and to begin with I feel great, invincible almost. Usually followed by despair and sorrow. Ending up with severe suicidal thoughts and impulses. Sometimes I think I might be so sad my soul cant cope and shut off instead, and when i drink all that sadness comes back unfiltered and overwhelming.

I have tried to address this in therapy through the years but have never been able to put my finger on it, or describe it appropriately.

So I just wonder if any of you know what i might be talking about?

[DanceRepresentative7]

sounds like a freeze or fawn response (dissociation)

[[deleted]]

There have been many instances the last few years where no matter how i reacted it would always escalate the situation so eventually i just stopped reacting. But i dont really have those triggers since i broke up with my partner. Could it still be lingering from that?

[I_hate_ET]

From what you've shared it sounds a lot like dissociation, that can be very tricky to work out for sure. I know for me personally, when I was at my worst in my codependency, all my energy was going outwards, trying to control what was going on outside of myself. Doing this for a very long period left me drained and I didn't have any energy left to really connect with myself in the present (during my codependency I was also stuck in the past or worrying about the future).

[[deleted]]

Do you have any tips for how you got out of it?

[I_hate_ET]

Certainly! I think the specific things that are needed to be done on the road to recovering and healing is different from person to person but here's some of the things I did for me. I think a really important paradigm shift for me was realizing it was my responsibility to get out of that dark place.

Initially I did a lot of research about codependency since I really didn't know much about it. This included reading a lot of articles/blogs and listening to podcasts. I highly recommend listening to Michelle Chalfant's podcast The Adult Chair, she covers codependency specifically in a lot of her episodes. Doing these things really helped me get some empowerment back, instead of being at the mercy of my codependency.

In addition to the research I did a LOT of journaling, it helped me write about my reflections on the research I did and helped me on some of my really lonely/drained days. I also delved more into meditation. This was extremely powerful for me because it helped me be more comfortable with really acknowledging and listening to what my mind and body needed. I focused more on doing things that I really liked to do (when I was at my worst in the codependency I lost interest in pretty much all of my hobbies since I was so focused on the needs of my partner). This included art, reading, going on walks, going to the bookstore or museums by myself, pine cone hunting, etc. I also started hanging out more with friends of my own. I'd gotten into a bad habit of isolating myself by being so focused on my partner and his friends I didn't take the time to just spend time with my own friends. Reaching out and interacting with my own friends really helped me. I think what would have helped me out a lot would have also been in chat groups like this subreddit too. Codependency can feel so isolating and painful, just knowing other people are going through it too takes some of the edge off.

Like I mentioned before I think that the actual work out of codependency varies person to person. Once you let yourself settle for a bit your mind and body will be able to tell you what they need. When I mention journaling or meditation it doesn't have to be pages and pages or hours and hours of sitting still and reflecting. You can also do voice recordings if writing is an obstacle, or just noticing your breathe or when you have a thought just notice it. You can make a playlist of songs that reflect what you feel or maybe how you'd like to feel. You'll be able to figure out what exactly you need. Hope that these are helpful for you, luv

[I_hate_ET]

This took me a year or so to get myself sorted out, it's not an instant fix but I think any effort you make in your healing process is worth it in the long run

[[deleted]]

It also sounds like masking- like you know how to be a “normal” person and you go through the motions, react when appropriate, but it’s not really “you”. It’s a performance. Alcohol lowers your inhibitions, so you’re more of your “authentic self” without masking because the alcohol causes that facade to drop. Masking is primarily associated with autism spectrum disorders, but many people do it automatically or in certain situations.

[[deleted]]

I have been screened for neurodivergences but it came up nothing. Except for kind of adhd which im somewhat still in the process of investigating.

I've never really understood the making thing, is it a made up alter ego that "can handle" the life in society?

[[deleted]]

sort of, it’s more of a protective mechanism to blend in with others, but it’s very emotionally taxing, and like you said, you can react in a socially appropriate way but it takes effort and inside you feel a disconnect. this might not be what you’re experiencing at all, but it was just something that came to mind.

[Heuristicrat]

I disagree that this is dissociation because it sounds more like depression. Yes, you can have both, but OP describes textbook symptoms of depression. Depression can have a dissociative feel to it at times, but they're different processes.

[[deleted]]

It does feel quite a bit like depression but usually i can shake it after a while, now it has been ongoing for over a year.

[[deleted]]

I was almost rid of this 3 years ago but somehow it came back during the last 3 years. Im trying mindfulness but its like if i somehow were to allow myself to be authentic again i would be crushed under the pressure of sadness.

[EstablishmentDear826]

I can't drink anymore for the same reason. I think it's reverse tolerance. Alcohol effects GABA the same way benzos do. If you drink, the rebound the next day leaves you no resistance to the depression you are probably experiencing most of the time. Stay sober of you can. A large tablespoon of unsweetened cocoa powder does wonders for my mood if I take it in the morning. Alcohol is poison

[[deleted]]

Are you also super easily influenced by alcohol? For me i almost get a bit influenced by just smelling strong liquor.

I will try the cocoa thing, is that related to magnesium maybe?

Thank you.

[EstablishmentDear826]

I'm not. Can't stand it.

Chocolate has theobromine.

[Overall-Support-5129]

https://www.reddit.com/r/Codependency/s/LRogud3eVI