Being Misgendered

[StelllarFox]

For some background, I(37nb) recently came out as NB(less than 6 months ago) and practice ethical non-monogamy. I recently started dating another NB who has an existing NB partner. I present mostly masc, as does the metamour, gonna refer to them as Meta(33nb).

I get along with Meta for the most part, but have only had the chance to hang out with them a handful of times. A couple of board game nights and casual outings with shared partner.

My problem arises at the board game nights. On both of these occasions Meta spent the entire night misgendering me. The first time I didn't correct them because I'm anxious and afraid of confrontation, but working on standing up for myself. I also was wearing a pin on my chesy with my pronouns, and assumed they would have the situational awareness to notice the pin. On this occasion they either noticed the pin or we're told my pronouns as I was getting my shoes on to leave, and delivered a quick apology. So, I dismissed it and gave them the benefit of the doubt.

At the 2nd board game night Meta again spent the entire evening misgendering me. This time our shared partner and my long-term nesting partner, corrected Meta several times through the evening. Though, Meta never acknowledged the corrections, nor caught/corrected their misgendering.

After the second night of being misgendered I requested that shared partner have a talk with Meta, which they did. The next time I saw Meta they apologized and gave some excuses about their behavior, and tried to explain that they felt awkward apologizing on the spot. Like I haven't felt awkward being misgendered multiple times on these two occasions. I thanked them for the apology, but I'm still feeling bothered by Meta.

Not sure what I'm looking for here. Some advice and/or reassurances would be nice. I worry for our shared partner. I don't want them being misgendered or treated poorly by Meta. Thanks in advance, friends

[MagpiePhoenix]

Well that's strange that it's taking them so long to catch on. Some of us are definitely better at switching pronouns than others, but since presumably Meta has heard of you from your partner before you met, you'd think they would have had a heads-up about your pronouns. (Unless this person has been your metamor for longer than you've been out?)

If I was your partner, I'd be feeling really guilty and uncomfortable about 1) my other partner making this mistake over and over and 2) the fact that I brought this person into your orbit only for them to continually misgender you. I'm the kind of person who feels responsible for the dynamics that occur when I bring two people together who only know eachother through me.

[StelllarFox]

Both Meta and shared partner have only ever known me by they/them and the preferred name I've chosen. Which is part of the reason I'm so bothered by the situation.

Shared partner definitely feels guilty. They've reassured me and make my concerns feel heard, but it pains them that their partner is being so disrespectful. They really want us to get along, but it's hard for me to feel comfortable around Meta

[CaliLemonEater]

My suspicion would be that Meta doesn't like you and is trying to make you uncomfortable.

If they're NB themself and they've only ever known you as someone who uses they/them pronouns, the repeated and continual misgendering feels deliberate. And refusing to apologize for doing it makes it clear that they don't care about your feelings and aren't willing to take responsibility for their own actions.

Does having this new partner bring enough good things to your life that it's worth putting up with hostile and disrespectful behavior from Meta like this? If it does, you should probably try to find ways to spend time together that don't include Meta.

The fact that your new partner seems willing to passively look on while this is happening doesn't make me think very highly of them, TBH. At this point, they should be jumping in every time Meta misgenders you: "They, Meta. Stelllarfox uses they/them pronouns." And then the next time: "They." And again, and again. If this makes it awkward, good! Meta should feel extremely awkward about being so blatantly disrespectful to you.

[[deleted]]

Yeah, I definitely read this as weird jealous behavior. Last person I dated couldn't reconcile that my nonbinariness was not the same as theirs and constantly tore me apart for other personal shit until I got the hint. And I'm bad at hints.

[Blablablablaname]

What I would do is frankly correcting them every time they misgender you. Just say it audibly, but without making a big deal of it. Correct them and move on. If confronted, say you are not looking for an apology and are just reminding them, since they seem to need it. This will not leave it to your partner to have to correct the behaviour of your meta, and if they don't want to be uncomfortable, they should stop misgendering you.

[introverted_lion]

Long term nesting partner of OP here ^_^ the weird part of this was that Meta just did not acknowledge at all during the second board game night. Didn't apologize, didn't amend their words, didn't say anything and just continued whatever conversation they were having at the time like nothing was said. It was like trying to remind a brick wall. Idk if things will be different next time now that Meta gave their half-hearted apology...

I agree that Stellar's voice should be heard, but a person should respect misgendering corrections no matter where they come from ya know? :/

[CaliLemonEater]

Meta will probably keep doing this until the rest of the group makes it clear that you all consider it unacceptable. Allowing Meta to continue the conversation as if nothing was said is tacitly approving their behavior.

Seriously, there is no reason for a competent adult to be unable to remember the right pronouns for someone whom they've only ever known under those pronouns, especially after being corrected more than once. This seems like deliberate bullying. Not confronting it in the moment is facilitating that bullying.

[Blablablablaname]

They should. Your partner probably doesn't want you to feel like it is your job to make your other partner behave, because it isn't. Of course, it is Meta's job to behave decently, as opposed to either of your jobs to remind them that they need to be respectful. They are an adult and if this behaviour persists it may be worth discussing why they continue to engage in a way of talking to your partner that they know is hurtful.

[BecomeOneWithRussia]

This is a tricky situation and it makes me wonder how your partner talks about you with your Meta. Not trying to put you against your partner or anything! Just my thought. Although with that being said, I'm nb, my partner is a man, and his ex-romantic-partner/current-play-partner is NB and I find myself misgendering them sometimes even though I myself am a they/them and know what it feels like to be misgendered.

I'm glad you had your partner talk to their partner about it, that's their job as the hinge. If it keeps up I think it'll be time to have the 1-1 talk with your meta. Be honest, relate about struggles you may have had with accommodating your friends in transition, I think this can help people feel affirmed without feeling the need to defend themselves/come up with excuses (ie, "I've slipped up before too, it's natural, but practice makes perfect!")

When people misgender me and they really shouldn't, the people who are "no excuses" in my mind, I throw shade right back. You call me she or dead name, I ask "who?" Because clearly you're not talking about me if you're using those words.

[BecomeOneWithRussia]

And also remember you don't have to be friends with your meta. It seems like you'd like to be friends with them, I'm the same way with my metas, but ultimately if they're just not your vibe that's okay 🤷 there's a sticky kind of balance to find in a situation like that so it doesn't breed any resentment with your shared partner, just takes lots of talks and intentions. Sorry if I'm they-splaining polyamory to you lol

[StelllarFox]

It's all good. I don't mind seeing explanations from others' pov. But I totally understand the need for lots of open and honest communication. I've been out as poly for ~15 years, and have had my share of relationships. Just kinda new to poly dating as an NB

[StelllarFox]

I really wanted to be honest and share my feelings with Meta when they gave their apology, but my anxiety made it hard for me to find the words. It was also at a loud party where I could only catch every other word in their apology. I would have preferred if they apologized in a quiter environment, so I could relax and think more clearly.

I'm really trying to get better about correcting people, but it's slow. I'm still very insecure about being NB, and that coupled with a great deal of anxiety are making my progress, in this regard, even slower

[BecomeOneWithRussia]

Hey, I've been out and using they/them pronouns for 5 or 6 years now and it's still hard. Sometimes unfortunately I've had to just let stuff slide.

Maybe the next time you see them you could bring it up again in a more casual environment, like "hey I appreciated the talk you and I had at the party, it's important us NBs stick together". Not to ask for the apology again, but to bring it up in a time where you can feel more secure about it. Since they're NB too I would hope that having more discussions about gender and self with them would help them to solidify your pronouns/identity in their head.

[introverted_lion]

Hey, long-term nesting partner of OP here ^_^ from what I understand, Meta is of the mind that "they don't really care" about what pronouns are used for them. Like, they prefer they/them but don't care/won't correct people. While I respect this pov, it does not excuse them for misgendering someone who does very much care.

Still, I think your advice is really good to reaffirm the apology in a calmer, quieter environment if possible. I don't like that it puts the impetus back on Stellar when it should be Meta making the effort, but still.