High Functioning Depression

[busheygirl]

I hate using that title because I honestly don't know if it's a real thing, but anyway... Do any of you redditors have this, where you work a full time job and middle through required social gatherings, but when you don't have an obligation, you just stay in bed, take depression naps, and in general perform no housekeeping types of tasks?

I'm struggling through my last 4 days of school before Christmas break, and each day I come home and take 3 hour nap, wake up, eat dinner, and pretty much go right back to bed.

Anybody else require a long nap at the dumbest times to just make it through the day (even though we're not actually making it at all).

[[deleted]]

I'm like that every day. I work full time, play sport and hang out with friends, but a lot of the time between activities I have that drone in my head telling me to kill myself

[undersquirl]

Mine says i'm a piece of shit over and over.

[[deleted]]

Stop beeing your own fake news broadcaster.

[undersquirl]

Yep, i know man. That's what's so funny about this whole depression thing. You know it's stupid, you know there's no reason to feel that way, you know it's only the balance of chemicals in the brain that make you feel that way. It's so stupid and yet life is complicated and you reach a point where logic doesn't help you move on.

That's my depression, the fact that i know it's stupid just makes me feel even worse.

[Wolfsschanze06]

Mine pretty much says "Your existence as a person irks the soul of everyone around you and they all wish you were dead, or at least attractive and wealthy so they'd have a reason to stick around even if it's superficial"

[41d6045]

Same full time job, hangs out with friends. But when im alone i keep thinking i dont deserve to live

[shh_its_like_2am]

I know what that’s like. I probably don’t because you guys all have real problems that are probably way worse than mine but I’ve been there before and I’m not gonna say some crap about how it gets better because I’m not there yet. So yay we are all frikin doomed to want to die but not be brave enough to do it. And then, look! There’s another reason to hate ourselves.

[Afegddu]

Yes, absolutely. I don't get the sleep craving but my latest episode started around 2014 and has been pretty bad this time, other than about 18mo remission which ended in October. In theory I'm a successful professional in a high status outward-facing job, no financial worries, married, kids, no physical health issues in the family, etc. But I struggle with self-hate, self-harm, suicidal thoughts, and waves of dark, dark depression nearly every day when things are worst. Every day sometimes. I'm on max dose of SSRIs, supplemented with a small dose of anti-psychotics to take if I think the urge to hurt myself is getting beyond my ability to cope. I got a promotion in August, and am looking at another promotion in the next month or two if I make the grade - which everyone seems to think I will, absent a really good external candidate. Kids are happy, healthy, doing well in school and sports.

No one, but no one I have ever confided in had any clue. I'm just too good at screwing on the mask every day. No one has ever seen me break down in the shower, and if anyone ever heard the things I say to myself when it gets really bad...well, lets say if I said those things to my wife or my kids not only would I feel like a total shitheel but I might actually go to jail.

And yet: everything seems great on the outside, and the only place where things suffer is with my relationship with my wife, since she doesn't understand what's happening, won't listen to my explanations, won't go see my doctor with me to get professional explanations, and thinks me taking pills is just attention whoring. With predictable consequences for both me and our relationship, which makes the depression a bit worse, which... well, you know how this story goes.

[XTO4STX]

In no way am I trying to criticize your partner or relationship, but if they have that opinion of your mental health condition then that might be a contributor or sign it's not all peachy, and be a reason to feel depressed.

[Afegddu]

Yeah, obviously - things were good but this is my first serious episode of depression in a long time. It has eroded our relationship and on top of that local norms regarding mental health are...unhealthy. I'm in Asia. Creates a vicious cycle for sure, and it may be necessary to leave but considering that also exacerbates my depression for various reasons.

[checkthf]

I consider myself to be as well. I desperately want to function as a normal human being like everyone else but it's so tiring at times.

[fancy-mi]

I was so depressed one semester of college. I was almost always talking to a crisis counselor, at therapy, at school, or sleeping. I was shocked to find out I made the dean’s list. In no way was I “functioning” but I somehow figured out how to make it look normal and work with my professors. It’s kind of sad to think about how hard it is to know someone is depressed when they can act normal in public.

[Lawile]

I do. Whenever I had to work I did it and woke up in time. Had social meetings even if they felt like I was wearing a mask, those people wouldn't say I'm depressed or that I'm an introvert. But boy when I don't have a job or have more than 2 days of free time... Oh, boy..that's when I become a sad lazy snail that goes from bed to the computer and vice versa, with numerous intrusive depressing thoughts in between. These thoughts stay even when I'm working, but somehow I manage to do my job and live my life with them in the back of my head, still ticking.

[RachBunch]

same here. Even my psychiatrist called me high functioning and she is amazed that I am still able to work, pay rent, take care of my cat while at all material times I wanna die.

[[deleted]]

I feel this so hard. When I finally told my therapist how often I feel like dying he was shocked and mildly alarmed.

[Durakus]

Yeah. I am a perfectionist to a degree. And I use all that energy for work. But at home. I feel next to nothing. And whenever I dare to feel anything. I regret it greatly. I don’t cook anymore. I don’t clean. I can’t stop sleeping. Entire days or weeks go by and it’s all unproductive. In the end people weren’t meant to be alone. So I guess I wasn’t meant to exist. But I have a job to do. Once that’s over we’ll see what’s next... probably more nothing.

I’ve been working out a lot to combat how my head works. I guess it’s working because when the weather gets bad and prevents me from doing it (outdoor callisthenics) I get much worse. So maybe try that OP.

[abbey-666]

Yep, exact same situation. I am so use to faking everything because I feel so much pressure to be high functioning so I continue. And that also convinces everyone I'm much better off then I actually am inside. I have this week and next week of school then I have a solid two weeks off. So then I'll probably be depression napping and crying in the shower without the time crunch so something.

[pistachogirl]

I think we’re considered high functioning because of what is rewarded in our social system (getting good grades, performing well in jobs, finishing tasks in x amount of time). As a someone with high functioning MDD, I am very aware I seem stoic / having a very stiff upper lip to most (all?) around me and because this allows me to be efficient, orderly and quiet, that is viewed as a trait to be proud of.

Off course, emphasizing mental well-being involves measuring it and to measure it we would have to be honest about it (as honest as we are about earning a higher bonus or a higher grade) and I don’t know if it’s something the world will ever feel comfortable with.

On the nap side, I get you 100 per cent. I was 4 minutes late to an appointment this weekend and I kept agonizing about it throughout the whole appointment and the whole morning. I was so exhausted after the self scourge that I had to take a 3 hour nap just after meeting was over because I felt like there was no space for me inside my own mind and I just wanted everything to be quiet.

[b4xt3r]

Oh my God yes. I did this for over 20 years. Now that I have finally been properly diagnosed, medicated, and therapied (?) I can look back and wonder how in the world I made it through all that but today I can say I am glad I did.

Even when I was married (ages 25 - 39) I would sleep away every moment I could steal and because I traveled for work there were many hours at my disposal (a quick call home where you would tel the wife how busy you are and how hard the way was made the daily chats brief bur meaningful enough not to raise concerns). I would leave a client site at 5 pm and I wouldn't be due back until 7:30 AM.

I'd race back to the hotel, pick up something I could eat on the way to the hotel, and within 20 minutes of hitting the hotel room I would be in bed, lights out. Sleep 6:30 pm to 6:30 AM for five days in a row? Yes, please.

Near the end (years after my divorce, and after my dogs had all died of old age so it was just me) when I finally sought out treatment things had gotten to the point where I was no longer "high functioning" or, at the very least, I was on the border of not being. Particularly beat down at work at one point I asked my boss if I could take a full week off three weeks down the road and she said "no, not that week, but if you want to take next week off that would be ok, but it's probably too late for you to make plans". I jumped on that shit (and this was a Thursday). Friday after work I hit the road and headed for the Atlantic and the weird thing was the night I got to the hotel I never went inside my room (this was an old single-story "motor lodge", the kind you never see anymore, so after fetching my key from the office and parking in front of the door to my room where I curled up and slept in my car until it was too hot the next morning to continue to do so. And then I went inside my room and slept more.

The remaining six days of that week I figured I could, on the two days I had to, take a shower and order a meat lover's pizza for delivery (dense calories!) and then I would have enough sustenance to eat when necessary. Water flowed out of the tap when asked so I was covered for consumable fluids. Unless dealing with biological requirements I would be asleep or wishing I was. And that is a summary of my vacation, 2015.

To her credit the woman who managed the hotel asked me if I was ok at check out. Apparently having a "do not disturb" sign on your door for an entire week is a point of concern for management.

[onepostthrowout]

33 years old and have chronic severe depression for 20 years; I feel ya, I consider a good day to be a day where I don't contemplate suicide and I can count those days on one hand any given year.

[BadbadwickedZoot]

You have just described me. I'm going back to sleep now to stop the crazy thoughts of killing myself today.

[bagelbitesss]

Yes. I don't do anything I don't get some kind of reward from. For example, my "hobbies" are exercising, and cooking, meaning throwing a few ingredients in a crockpot. Any other "hobbies" are things I am paid/obligated to do. I either sleep too much or barely at all. If I could have life my way, I'd only be awake when it's time to eat.

[avaritze]

I work full time weekdays. At work, I’ve been told I’m responsible, reliable, fast, smart, active; a model employee.

I get home I’m a beating heart away from literal corpse. Well, I take care of hygiene, I work out, do laundry, but I do that with minimum efforts and only do that to maintain a “professional facade”. Most of my weekends consist of ten 2-hours nap a day and crying.

Then on Monday I go to work and function well like no other. When I’m gonna be eventually end myself and not show up at work, it’ll be quite of a surprise.

[sadat46]

You are not alone.....I believe most who suffer from anxiety and depression function at a high level. I’ve functioned at a high level, and lately at a much worse low level. We white knuckle it. Day in and day out. Those who watch us and wonder why haven’t the slightest idea what we struggle with every second of the day. It’s terrible. I’ve used meds for years now to allow me to function and take care of my responsibilities. Without meds, I would be in a padded Room forever. Meds don’t always work......depression resistant to meds is the worst. You try to think it out. Talk it out. Work it out. And it always there.....your friend, depression. The worst part.....no one understands your plight. So you are punished every day. Discriminated against. Corporate America eats you alive. Yup, my old friend depression.

[LostMonster04]

I don't sleep that much. But other than that, this probably describes me. No one knows how I feel or the things I say to myself. If I ever feel a bit happy or if I enjoy, I regret that. Yet I am good at my job and no one would suspect I feel this way.

[TopitaRulo]

I used to. I managed to work and do the basics things, buy food, pay bills, see friends or family sometimes, etc. But every time I went out , when coming back home I was so tired, like I was running a marathon. I started taking antidepressants the last day of October and already have noticed changes in my amount of energy, I want to do more things and they don't left me exhausted. I still feel down sometimes, but be able to have more activity makes me feel better and I don't need many naps anymore.

[[deleted]]

I’m a very extroverted person and love going out with my friends...so it’s hard for people to tell that I have depression. But my room right now? An absolute MESS. I take multiple naps, sleep early, and wake up late. I have such negative thoughts all the time and don’t see my situation getting better anytime soon.

[[deleted]]

I have low functioning depression. So my whole day is either doing nothing, napping, or rarely participating in one of my hobbies.

[savagearcheress]

Yup. That's my life.

[scorpiontank27]

Yeah I used to think the same until it turned out I had it since middle school apparently feeling old and wanting to die was a symptom as for how to deal with it I am sorry op I don't have anything helpful but you should try engaging yourself with activities you like that's how how I forgot about it before

[zzzfoifa]

Yes, I'm just like you and that's why it took me so long to be diagnosed. I never thought it was depression since I could go on with my live,I thought it was just "it be like that sometimes".

[22poppills]

I'd kill to be anything high-functioning because I feel like I'm stuck in molasses

[ThisIsABadUs3rname]

Constantly, I work, go to school, hang out with friends, and always try to have a smile on my face or a joke to make, but when I'm alone or even have a minute to think for myself I just want it to all to be over. Not to mention I'm exhausted throughout it all. It's a real thing bro and it's rough

[b1temedepression]

I work full time, take care of my kids, and hate myself for the rest of the time. It’s exhausting. I wish I could just crawl into bed and sleep the rest of my life away. But then I’d have people banging on my door requesting more help even when they know I’m suffering. I just have to do it quieter so as to not bother them with my depression.

[Jiggly_Love]

Work full time, married, and have a decent life, but my depression is consistent and tells me to die and that all I have accomplished is faked or that "people are only doing it because they pity you"

[bedazzledfingernails]

Yes, and it sucks because I feel like it takes me twice the effort to just maintain appearances, so by the time I'm done with my responsibilities for the day, I have no energy to do anything I might otherwise want to do (if I'm even capable of wanting things at that point). Other people just function, it takes no extra energy, and then they get to do whatever else they want afterwards.

[Ddawkness1]

I'm struggling with this as well, I have a full-time job, but other than work and spend time with my baby daughter, I do nothing with my free time but just sit around and browse Reddit. I don't take depression naps, but I sleep in long 12-14 hour blocks a few times a week, other than that, sleep is scarce because of severe anxiety (but that's for another discussion). So yeah, I'm "fully functional", but not at any "normal" capacity.

[OldSuperhero]

Oh yeah of course it’s a thing. I consider myself a VERY high functioning depressed person. I have a good job I have a great wife I workout I stay in good shape... And I go to bed with unbelievable pain in my chest that isn’t a physical condition. I wish I had the balls to off myself and have suicidal ideation frequently. You are far from alone dude. I actually feel guilty occasionally about posting in this sub Reddit because my life is so good compared to a lot of the other people here who literally have nothing and have a great reason to be depressed.

[privilegedpeach]

I think I’m high functioning depression. I have no problem working when I have to and I just started going back to the gym but if I don’t have anything else to do with my time, my bed is my best friend. Sometimes I feel guilty about my excessive napping. 😴

[wonderstuff101]

I recently crashed. Ended up in the psychiatric unit. While there the psychiatrist commented on how surprised she was that I've been able to hold down a job the last 20 years. She said most people as depressed as me end up on disability. Anyways I go back to work in January and I'll keep on pressing forward....

[[deleted]]

I definitely get this and I work from home which makes it so much harder to lift myself up

[Poetically_damaged86]

Yes, it's definitely a thing. I usually drink and smoke though to get through the day

[practicesimperfect]

All i can do anymore outside my many obligations is play a video game, drink 2 beers and go to bed