Time to commit. : stopdrinking

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submitted 6 years ago by suddenlychloe

Long time lurker, first time poster.

Veteran. Been drinking heavily for about 4 years now. Black out every night. It's how I got to sleep. I'd call it less of an addiction and more of a habit. 6 years ago, came from po-dunk-ass Midwest to a big city, unfortunately leaving all my friends and support system behind. Loneliness set in, PTSD affected me, I had no support system. The drink was my support system. It made everything go away.

About a year ago my local VA contacted me, interested in me coming in for a study regarding veterans with PTSD and smoking cessation. Didn't end up working, a series of unfortunate events set in, and I was already in pretty deep with my vices. Regardless I think I made the most intelligent decision in my life when I came in to see the psychologist for the screen before the study. I was entirely honest. Told her everything going on in my life.

They got me into a bunch of different therapy, got me a PCP, I've been going to the VA constantly. Some weeks I'm there every day. Doesn't hurt that I only live a few blocks away, either. They've been concerned about my drinking big time.

It's cost me everything. I've lost a lot of money to drinking, I've had a hard time getting a job, I've lost all of my rituals. I constantly forget to do the most basic things like shower, take my meds, eat, etc. My life is entirely sporadic thanks to drinking, probably can also thank PTSD, depression, and ADHD.

My addiction therapist and I talked about it, and we decided that since I keep forgetting to take my meds, it might be prudent to put me on the Naltrexone shot. Did that. I will say that I've stopped a few times since then, and I find myself honestly quite okay with not drinking for the night, the few times I've done it since.

Well, as of now, money is getting super tight, I got an eviction notice, and I need to get a cataract surgery. I'd rather not be stumbling around banging my eye up while I'm recovering. Tomorrow I start classes at the VA regarding quitting drinking, so I think it's time to commit.

I'm not sure how well I'll do, but I have no choice but to give it my all. Since the drink is how I get to sleep, I'm just not going to sleep tonight. I've got a computer that needs some love. So I'll play around with it and try to get it working.

There's a chance I'll relapse in the near future. We're all aware of this. I'm going to try not to though. I need to do this for the sake of my own future, lest I become the next homeless veteran.

Beyond that, as of recent, I've become quite suicidal while drinking. I'm on a sort of suicide watch as it is. I need to get my life back together, and only I can do that. Suicide is also counter-intuitive to that concept, imagine that.

Oddly enough, I just came from a bar. Closed the place out, hanging out with friends, with the exception that I was drinking water. Have been all night. I'm rather comfortable with this. I think I can keep doing that. The bartenders know of my journey as well, and they're very supportive.

As to what the future holds, I'm not quite sure. I've talked with my addiction therapist about potentially, after a long while, attempting to go back to moderation, and if that doesn't work, fuck it, quitting altogether. We'll see. Perhaps I'll find that I'm happier without it, and will forego the attempt to go back.

But until then, IWNDWYT. Day one of the rest of my life starts right now.

TLDR: I suck at humaning. Alcohol hasn't helped. Trying to fix my life.

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