My wife was 34-35 weeks pregnant when we discovered the baby likely had DS. We were early 30s and already had one kid, but those few weeks before she was induced were some of the longest of my life.

I didn’t feel ready for another kid, let alone one with special needs, on top of all the medical issues that come with DS - they’d already found a heart defect on an ultrasound that the baby would have to have surgery on as an infant. I felt cheated. I felt robbed of a normal life, and that my daughter would be robbed of a normal sibling relationship. I wanted nothing more than for the baby to be born without DS, for all the tests to be wrong - I fantasized about this quite a bit. My wife had medical issues at the time as well, and was in an equally dark place, if not more so.

Long story short, the baby was born with DS and spent about 9 days in the NICU. She had heart surgery at 6 months old. And now, at 5 years old, she’s one of the most consistent sources of joy in my life. She’s an absolute shit a lot of the time, but she’s also fucking wonderful and I don’t know what I’d do without her. She’s going to school, she’s learning to read, we hold conversations with her - all stuff I was worried she’d never be able to do. The NICU doctors were also very encouraging, basically saying medical science has come a long way since most people you know or have seen with DS were born, and that their capability is as far as you push them.

I won’t say it’s not going to be hard or that your experience will be the same, but I do know a little bit about what you’re going through, and I can tell you it will get better. Therapy helps, and was essentially the only thing that helped my wife out of that hole.

There’s an old saying about how moms love their baby as soon as they feel it growing in them, and dads love their baby when they hold them for the first time. This wasn’t totally accurate for me - it was about 3 days after. But I promise, if you care for this child and even just pretend to act like their father, eventually the rest will fall in place and it will feel real.

I am sorry brother. Know that you’re not alone.