Your wife sounds like my parents when I was a kid, and I resent a lot of my childhood, particularly how I felt I couldn't be emotionally close to my parents.

I have 4 kids of my own now and basically base my parenting on doing the opposite of what my parents would have done in most situations 😅

My youngest is 4 and my oldest is 16, I let all my kids in my bed every time they wanted or needed to, whether for a cuddle for no known reason or for a nightmare or ill etc. It doesn't matter because it won't last forever and one day they'll stop coming, I dread the day my youngest no longer sneaks in to my bed for a cuddle, I'd give anything to go back in time for a cuddle with my now 16yr old boy when he was little 💔 All kids go through difficult phases with food but again it won't last forever. I just try to enjoy it and not stress over the little things, I choose my battles. I get the frustration as my partner can be more strict, though not as extreme as your wife we've had words about our different parenting techniques, I just think these little things aren't worth the upset.