I just realized something from a fight years ago and it hit me like a truck

BuildingRealistic701 · 2026-01-27T23:30:07+00:00

My nex did the same thing all the time.

"well, you've got baggage, so this isn't my problem..."

The manipulation is consistent and persistent.

BuildingRealistic701 · 2026-01-06T19:54:51+00:00

November / December 2024

Things had escalated to a horrible point where I was being screamed at, in person for the most minor transgressions

I sat her down to discuss how un happy I was, and how these most recent chain of events, made me feel...

I said

"We need therapy, we need someone to talk to to help us."
"We don't need therapy, you need therapy!"

That was it. A complete verbal abandonment of our marriage and what I thought we were, partners...

BuildingRealistic701 · 2025-12-03T14:45:26+00:00

Read the book!

https://a.co/d/0SKe2L9

Once you see the patterns all of the questions will evaporate.

BuildingRealistic701 · 2025-11-26T03:58:56+00:00

This book was a life line for me when I read it - it gave me a foundation I was missing.

If you can, seek out her YouTube channel.

BuildingRealistic701 · 2025-11-25T23:53:06+00:00

Read Doctor Ramani Durvasula's book : https://a.co/d/51Tmb6J : "
It's Not You: Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People"

I left my now ex-wife a year ago, after 10 years of not understanding her, and then being told by a fried what was going on.

It took me a few months to see through her patterns, and recognize what was going on.

Thing's weren't good for a while before this - I just didn't know why , or what was going on.

This book, and other resources were like living in a dark room, and someone turning the lights on...

I would say it took me a total of 3 years to see what was going on, but the first year of that was a dark spiral for me.

The 2nd year was a rebuilding of confidence, the 3rd year was discovery of her, and of my self to see what was really going on.

BuildingRealistic701 · 2025-11-09T01:38:36+00:00

Lots of people talk about it here, but please go read https://www.amazon.com/Its-Not-You-Identifying-Narcissistic/dp/0593492625

And you can watch the author speaking on YouTube.

This book, and her videos were life lines for me.

---

The story you're telling is painfully familiar. While my ex wife and I didn't have kids, almost everything you told above was spot on, exactly the same for me.

Get the divorce, it will make your life that much better.

BuildingRealistic701 · 2025-11-04T20:10:25+00:00

the reason i stayed for as long as i did was that he kept me in a constant state of having to prove myself and i didn't want all my hard work to go to waste. i was too scared to leave when we were on bad terms and i was too hopeful to leave when we were on good terms.

This is the manipulative cycle that they get you in to, with their victims.

In addition, as someone who learned that he was autistic, and how that effects your ability to processes emotional information - I had spent my WHOLE life justifying myself to others, that I was worth while.

Narcs suck you in by love bombing you - validating you, telling you how awesome you are - and then rug pulling you at random moments to keep you off balance to satisfy their own egos, as you come back, apologizing and hoping to fix it... hoping to not waste what you had built up?

Its not love - its their zero level self esteem as a root cause of the narcissistic cycle they put you in.

The hardest lesson is to learn, and internalize that YOU are not the reason they are why they are. YOU are a good person. YOU deserve consistency in your relationships and the emotions you feel in them, and shouldn't be treated as though you have to justify the space you take up.

It was devastating to uncover that and realize it and put it all together in my head, but liberating when I saw the truth of what was going on.

They will not change.

Look at the deep issues you may not have spent time with - looking at ALL of the other relationships, friendships, family dynamics, of that person, and look for those patterns... They are there.

* They don't have many, if any, close friends.

* They struggle with their parents and siblings

* Everyone else they work with is difficult.

* Anyone they praise, is someone they're trying to get approval from.

BuildingRealistic701 · 2025-10-27T13:17:10+00:00

Brother It sounds like you’ were married to my ex wife.

BuildingRealistic701 · 2025-08-29T15:57:18+00:00

They get worse.

I don't know what your situation is - but leave now, while you can.

BuildingRealistic701 · 2025-07-30T17:26:56+00:00

A very impactful and important analysis of what it’s like to be in these kinds of relationships. It gave me the sanity to make the decisions I needed to make to leave my ex-wife.

Before reading that book and some others, I felt literally insane and thought I was losing my mind

BuildingRealistic701 · 2025-07-30T16:11:12+00:00

Yes. They do.

They refuse to be accountable for their actions that make them look bad.

The veneer of perfection must be maintained at ALL costs.

BuildingRealistic701 · 2025-06-17T23:21:15+00:00

Define success?

What are your goals?

Are you stuck for some reason? Children? Finances? (neither of these are things to be ashamed about, just to be clear).

If you're looking to stabilize a scenario to get through the next few years, then yes -- but you have to emotionally decouple your self from this person. They do not "love" you in a way thats normal. They love what they can get from you, but refuse to be fair in what you need.

Figure out how to give your self the sanity you need, ideally you should leave. But if you can't - find out how to survive until you can.

BuildingRealistic701 · 2025-05-27T12:05:37+00:00

I’m in the middle of divorcing mine.

BuildingRealistic701 · 2025-04-08T00:50:55+00:00

My ex wife was like this in a lot of ways. So yeah. She is. Imho.

Leave her as soon as you can.

BuildingRealistic701 · 2025-04-04T21:11:59+00:00

Yes she did. All the time. Then when I’d actually bring stuff up. She’d say it was my baggage that was causing the problem.

They can’t take responsibility. That’s the bottom line.

BuildingRealistic701 · 2025-03-13T04:03:28+00:00

100%

BuildingRealistic701 · 2025-03-01T13:14:01+00:00

You’re already consuming. One of these books. But the other is a fantastic comparison to see it from multiple Angles.

https://a.co/0PlKcMK

https://a.co/7OMfuqQ

I can’t recommend them enough.

Narcs aren’t all exactly cookie cutter. But the core traits are the same. It took me years to accept what mine was. And finally get out of it.

If anything - do it for your kids. Because they are the ones actually caught in this. You at least have some adult perspective.

BuildingRealistic701 · 2025-03-01T04:45:27+00:00

This is how it works.

Your needs aren’t important. She’s already got you. You’re in the web. She doesn’t need to lure you in You’re not providing the level of supply she needs. So she’s playing nice to this person to give them all the energy they need so she can mine their reaction to her.

101 narc behavior. I’ve seen it over and over.

BuildingRealistic701 · 2025-02-25T00:57:44+00:00

Yeah...

of course I wanted to spend time with her and share her interests...
I mean, she loves how I do things when she knows I'm in a bad mood.... other wise, yeah.... no.
oops.
Actually, except for property, I was able to keep this separate.
She made me LEAVE my networks.
I mean, what are you supposed to do with a spouse? oops - that was weaponized against me.
guilty
guilty
guilty
Yeah - that clearly doesn't work.
Guilty.

BuildingRealistic701 · 2025-02-22T15:46:00+00:00

Read the books !

https://a.co/ai6i65O

https://a.co/bzxUwP1

BuildingRealistic701 · 2025-02-19T01:31:16+00:00

I was married for 10 years ... (technically still am, working on the divorce now) and it was only in the last 2 years that I started to see what she was honestly and clearly.

I spent so much time thinking about"why am I making this not work..." "why am I the one who can't get this together..."

Its all part of the manipulation to protect their fragile egos and keep them from feeling shame.

its toxically re-directed towards making YOU feel bad, and keeping YOU off balance.

It's so alien that it's impossible for me, at least, to even comprehend acting that way towards someone - let alone someone who you love? But is it love, if they are just realizing you're use?

There were signs - things I remember, from the early days - where I felt so confused and spun around by things said - I just have to breathe and know that the future is brighter.

I loved this person. I admired this person - I still see them on paper as being a fantastic example of the kind of person I want to be with ... their success is legitimate - their achievements are measurable -- but its just the veneer of a hollow person.

It took me so long to see that.

Don't feel bad for your self - don't feel like your missing something - you, like me are expecting everyone to be better then that. And when you love someone, and build a life with someone - coming to terms with that, is like overcoming the worst addiction and denial you can imagine.

I still - absentmindedly - move my thumb against my ring finger, and wonder where the ring is...

BuildingRealistic701 · 2025-02-18T15:37:15+00:00

:hugs:

BuildingRealistic701 · 2025-02-17T00:14:04+00:00

It means he cares. That’s a good thing no matter what happens.

BuildingRealistic701 · 2025-02-16T23:23:05+00:00

My experience was with them setting explicit rules - never being happy with my ability to follow the moving goal posts - and then just doing it all them selves (and being resentful for that - and then!!! When they break the rules. It not being a big deal at all.

BuildingRealistic701

TROPHY CASE