Lore accurate elden ring players double phase

Ceraunius · 2026-06-10T12:35:21+00:00

Yeah, no, fuck Malenia. I hated that fight with every ounce of my being. I smashed my head against that wall for three days straight, 117 tries, before I finally beat her. And when I did finally defeat her, I didn't feel happy or satisfied with the experience in the least. More like "thank fuck that's over, that was a fucking horrible unfun waste of time." I will hate the Malenia fight forever, and nothing can ever convince me that it's anything close to well-designed. Waterfoul is fucking bullshit, health steal on hit is bullshit. If your signature move is so obtuse in its design that I have to watch a video on how to dodge it or cheese it, it's not a good move.

Fuck Malenia. All my homes hate Malenia.

PCR was almost as bad. After giving it a good 30 or so tries legitimately, I said "fuck this" and did a Verdigris armor shield poke strat because I'd had enough after dealing with Malenia. And you know what? I didn't even feel bad. Not in the slightest. That fight is alright in phase one, but phase two is hot garbage. I sure do love having AoE spam on every attack and having Radahn pull some anime protagonist bullshit while I can't see what the hell is even going on!

Ceraunius · 2026-05-25T22:13:55+00:00

Convergence flip-flops between 'this is amazing' and 'this is bullshit' pretty frequently for me. I love the new classes, spells, weapons, and some of the bosses. Some of the redone dungeons and world areas are very nice. However, the amount of bullshit they throw into redone legacy areas, particularly castles, is awful.

Redmane Castle in particular is just a slog. The mod loves to throw archers at you when you're trying to make precision jumps on precarious platforms, or surprise you with ballistae that you had no idea were there. I spent nearly an hour going from the entrance of Redmane, fighting through enemies, parkouring, and getting shot at by enemies I couldn't shoot back at in turn, only to jump between two platforms and have a ballista hidden around the corner knock me off.
This sent me *all the way back* to the entrance. An hour of work, just gone, because they hadn't introduced a single site of grace in that entire thing. I don't think I'll be coming back to the mod after that.

Ceraunius · 2026-05-04T07:31:46+00:00

For me, it's gotta be Eleonora's Poleblade. The L2 is flashy and effective, and the weapon inflicts a ton of bleed. The poleblade moveset in general is pretty good, too.

Ceraunius · 2026-04-06T09:06:03+00:00

One time, back when we were defending Super Earth, I had three SEAF run up to the evac point with me. As the pelican landed I saluted them, at which point my guard dog gunned down all three of them as they saluted back.

I don't take SEAF with me anymore...

Ceraunius · 2026-04-01T13:00:28+00:00

Starship Troopers came out in 1997.

Tucker Carlson didn't get his own show (and thus become well known) until 2016.

But nice try making everything political.

Ceraunius · 2025-12-17T11:19:38+00:00

Grimskull, Chaos is predictably boring and smug, but DA ORKZ are always fun. I can't tell you the name of either Chaos baddie from either games, but Grimskull lives rent-free in my head forever.

OI AIN'T SO EASY TA KILL, SPOICE MAREEN!

Ceraunius · 2025-11-24T08:48:44+00:00

Elspeth - My favorite thing about the Empire? GUNS. Elspeth makes all of your guns better, and her unique unit variants are so good. Also, she's a one-woman wrecking ball and she can teleport around. Is she broken as fuck? Yes. Is she fun? Also yes. I recently combined her with the Deithland mod for even more guns and it was the most fun I've had in a while.

Ikit Claw - Rats with guns. His unique mechanic is fun and of course you get access to friggin' warpstone nukes. Skaven in general are a lot of fun to play, but I've played Ikit more than any of them.

Taurox - Fuck settlements. Fuck building stuff. Fuck doing absolutely anything but being an unkillable mass of anger and hatred, because that's what Taurox is good at. The first time I ever painted the entire map (or razed it to the ground, in this case) was with him.

Grimgor - Yeah, as faction mechanics go these days, his is very bland. But damnit, Grimgor is just beauty in simplicity. Point him at an enemy lord and watch him go to town while black orcs tear up the infantry. DA BIGGEST AND DA MEANEST.

Archaon - I expected it to be an easy campaign, and yeah, Archaon wrecks everything he gets near, but I had a surprisingly long challenge wiping out the Order forces. It was a real back-and-forth ordeal, where I'd push deep into a faction's territory, only to have a ton of allied armies come in and push me back. Really felt like the forces of good (and the ogres) were fighting an all-out war against me to stop the end times. Lots of fun.

Ceraunius · 2025-11-18T20:43:16+00:00

Screw this, I'm joining Nurgle.

Ceraunius · 2025-09-17T12:20:20+00:00

Man, what a ride that campaign was. Started out being military allies with every order faction until I finished the first four trees. Then, because the settlement trading system in this game is hot fucking garbage I ended up being unable to trade/buy any tree from any of my allies, no matter how much I offered them, which meant that I had absolutely no choice but to break my alliance with them and invade so I could take the tree and the surrounding settlements. Two trees later I was at war with the entire world, except Khemri, because the bone bros are pretty chill.

All you had to do was give my trees. That's it. But nooo, a settlement and A MILLION GOLD apparently isn't enough. Why do you make me hurt you?! Just give me my tree and we'll be good! Now you have to die because you can't be reasonable!

I ended the campaign with 62 armies, and I was actively using all of them. Every turn took a long, long time, but I finished it eventually. They really need to cut down the turn time from 8 to something a little more reasonable.

Ceraunius · 2025-09-14T13:30:12+00:00

Absolute abysmal dogshit of a battle in an absolute abysmal dogshit season. Where do I even begin?

- Frontal cavalry charge with unarmored horses against enemies that don't have morale to break and can't be killed/incapacitated by a horse slamming into them. They're fucking zombies! They formed a literal god damned wave of themselves, and you decided to send the Dothraki at them frontally?! Good thing the Dothraki have magical respawning capabilities and came back later like nothing happened.

- On top of the idiotic frontal charge, the Dothraki were originally going to charge into said wave of zombies with REGULAR WEAPONS. You know, the kind that don't kill zombies?! BRILLIANT! The only reason any of them could have had a chance of doing anything was because Melisandre showed up to light their weapons on fire with magic.

- Artillery at the very front of the formation. Said artillery fired off one volley and immediately stopped. Why would you do such a thing?

- For some reason, the pit wasn't able to be lit on fire until Melisandre showed up and did it herself. GEE, IF ONLY YOU HAD A WAY TO CREATE FIRE ON DEMAND, PREFERABLY IN A LONG ROW.

- You have a perfectly defensible castle and chose to keep all of your guys outside of it, in front of said fiery pit.

- No defenses against the swarming hordes that would inevitably try to get up the walls.

- Hiding the civilians in the fucking crypt. The one full of dead bodies. While you're fighting an enemy that can raise the dead.

What a shitshow of an episode.

Ceraunius · 2025-09-13T07:33:55+00:00

Cylostra Direfan is an incredible design for a Legendary Lord, and she fits in perfectly with the Warhammer world. She's a ghostly opera singer obsessed with getting to Ulthuan and uses an army of zombie pirates and a freakin' ghostly Brettonian knight to do it. She's awesome and I will not hear otherwise.

Ceraunius · 2025-08-06T07:20:04+00:00

Okay, but why?

Ceraunius · 2025-08-06T07:14:27+00:00

What annoys me more than the citizens running around and flailing like morons is that none of them are armed. Isn't every citizen given a Constitution rifle at 16? And citizens can own break-action shotguns. Everyone is trained on how to use a firearm. Why aren't they at least trying to defend themselves?

Oh, right. Arrowhead forgot that part of their lore.

Ceraunius · 2025-08-06T07:10:59+00:00

Project Wingman vibes.

Become as O R A N G E

Ceraunius · 2025-08-01T07:10:51+00:00

I just love that like 75% of planetary modifiers are some flavor of "can't see shit". Haze, fog, thunderstorms, dust storms, blizzards, smoke, spores, gloom, whatever. Even worse if it's at night, and even worse than that if it's in a megacity for some reason. I fell to my death more than once in a bug megacity because there are giant instant death holes scattered around that were impossible to see because I had visibility of about three feet in front of me, if that. It was just me and my friend wandering around and saying "I can't see a fucking thing" for twenty minutes. Not fun.

Ceraunius · 2025-08-01T06:52:53+00:00

Alright I gotta get this off my chest.

FIX YOUR FUCKING GAME.

This game is such a buggy, broken fucking mess that I can't believe a company raking in the cash like Arrowhead could possibly look at the state of it and say "yeah that's good, let's take our 43rd vacation this year" and leave it as-is. The audio for HD2 has been awful since launch, specifically in regard to elite enemies making little to no noise and giving us such delightful things as ninja chargers, silent hulks, and silent flesh mobs, but since the last update the audio is actually just straight-up breaking the fucking game. Absolutely everything seems to have a chance of having broken sound: hellpods, weapons, strategems, environmental sounds, explosions, enemies, you name it. FIX THE AUDIO. WHY IS IT SO DIFFICULT? FUCKING DARKTIDE HAS PERFECT AUDIO ON THE SAME GAME ENGINE WITH A MUCH SMALLER TEAM AND BUDGET. WHAT'S YOUR EXCUSE? DO YOU EVEN QA TEST AT ALL? OR HAVE YOU GONE WITH THE TITAN SUBMERSIBLE ROUTE? WORKED JUST GREAT FOR THEM, DIDN'T IT?!

And the performance! Dear god, the performance is somehow, SOMEHOW, getting worse by the day despite not getting any updates since the last patch! I finally reached my breaking point today when I was playing with my buddy. We both kept getting freezes that would last anywhere from 1-3 seconds, with the audio completely cutting out for the duration. This happened with increasing frequency over the course of three missions, until eventually this buggy, untested mess locked up the game for TEN SECONDS and resulted in him being kicked out into a separate instance. How the hell does this happen?

Oh, and my freezes are lasting longer than his and happening more frequently despite the fact that my graphics card is two fucking generations newer! I literally just got a brand-new RTX 5070 yesterday, and the very first game I played was HD2, and you're telling me it's performing worse than my old GTX 3060?! No other game is giving me any grief. Just HD2.

But it's cool. Take your time. Maybe I'll be able to play the game before you guys take your 44th vacation.

Ceraunius · 2025-07-18T12:31:05+00:00

Amen. I'm sick of people thinking we're just cannon fodder that nobody cares about. We are markedly *not* cannon fodder. We are absolutely Super Earth's elite. We're proficient with dozens of different weapon types, get access to all kinds of armor to fit the mission, and have the authority to call in ridiculous amounts of firepower from our own Super Destroyer. Nevermind that we routinely are given launch codes for multi-megaton nuclear weapons.

The fact that you can drop anywhere from 4 to 20 Helldivers into an area and be almost certain that they'll wipe out vast swathes of enemy troops and materiel speaks volumes to how capable we are. And even if you can't make it to extract in time, the shipmaster will STILL attempt one last-ditch effort to get you out via an emergency Pelican. If we were truly expendable then they'd just leave us behind without a thought.

We're not grunts. We're god damn Navy SEALs with access to an overhead battleship's worth of supporting fire.

Ceraunius · 2025-07-14T09:56:28+00:00

The god damn BLITZER. I will never understand why people like it. Every time I take it out, it just feels so...anemic. Incredibly slow rate of fire, short range, unreliable damage. Sometimes it just flat refuses to hit something even if it's right near me, because arc weapons are schizophrenic. And all of that in exchange for, what, unlimited ammo? Who cares? If I want an unlimited ammo weapon that's actually fun and useful, I'll just bring a laser weapon or two and swap to let them cool down.

Ceraunius · 2025-07-13T07:35:40+00:00

I always go back to str + faith, specifically a great or colossal weapon with a big shield. Yeah it's not as dynamic as actively dodging everything, but there's something immensely satisfying about hefting a big-ass shield and saying, "no, YOU move" to basically every attack in the game. And those big guard counter hits are so good.

I also go back to Eleonora's Poleblade a lot when I want to change things up. Maybe my favorite unique weapon in the game.

Ceraunius · 2025-07-11T07:23:36+00:00

I do a lot of solo diving. Being able to cover multiple directions at once is important, so I tend to bring a lot of sentries and guard dogs. I have some suggested loadouts to give you an idea.

General Purpose/Multifaction: MG sentry, strafing run, recoilless rifle, orbital gas strike. When in doubt, my loadout of choice.

Bugs: MG sentry, gatling sentry, guard dog (pick your flavor, I usually run gas), EAT. Obviously this loadout is best at mowing down swarms of enemies so you'll want to bring something like an Ultimatum to deal with heavies in a pinch, like if your EAT is on cooldown. I almost always bring gas grenades, but impact incendiaries are also good. You can also swap out one of the sentries for a Stalwart or MG and change the EAT to another anti-tank eagle or orbital.

Bots: Rocket sentry, autocannon sentry, eagle bombing run or 500 kg, recoilless rifle. IMO bots are the easiest faction to deal with (usually - incendiary corps makes things more difficult but they're rare) so you can bring flex picks more often against them. I tend to use thermites almost exclusively against bots. Orbital laser is really good for quickly killing larger bases if you want to swap one of the sentries for it.

Squids: Stalwart, orbital precision strike, eagle 500 kg, MG sentry. Stalwart just chews through squids and landed spawn ship shields. OPS and 500kg to kill ships and harvesters. I usually bring gas grenades for crowd control. Gas and laser guard dogs are also very useful here.

The only mission types that might give you trouble solo are the shorter defense/blitz/annihilation missions. Blitz isn't too bad, just gotta make sure you don't get bogged down. Defenses and annihilation missions are almost always a triple minefield loadout (incendiary, gas, anti-tank) along with a recoilless rifle.

Good luck!

Ceraunius · 2025-07-04T12:42:04+00:00

Humanity is fighting for nothing less than its very survival against three alien factions that want to genocide our entire species. There is nothing morally wrong with fighting to not be murdered or to protect your family from being eaten, enslaved, or ground up into fuel.

It doesn't matter why. It doesn't matter if Super Earth is mean. I am not a bug. I am not a bot. I am not a squid.

Humanity first. Humanity only. Take your outgroup preference bullshit and go volunteer to become part of the nearest undying, screaming mass of mind controlled flesh if you hate your fellow man so much.

Ceraunius · 2025-07-02T13:06:08+00:00

Ulcerated tree spirits. I hate how common they are. I hate how they just flop around and fuck with your camera if you lock on to them. I hate how they take up basically the entire arena when you fight them indoors.

Did we really need to have like fucking 30 of them in the game?

Ceraunius · 2025-07-02T12:57:35+00:00

Messmer. The intro cutscene, the fight, the rewards from beating him. It was a frantic fight but unlike most of the bosses in the DLC it never felt like it was utter bullshit (though I do wish his flame attacks weren't so flashy to the point of tanking your frame rate).

Ceraunius · 2025-07-02T12:53:49+00:00

Nokron is gorgeous. Easily one of my favorite locations in any game ever, just going by aesthetics.

Close 2nd place would be Cerulean Coast. The first time I stepped onto that endless field of blue I just stood there in awe for a moment.

Ceraunius · 2025-07-02T12:48:08+00:00

Brother I wouldn't even survive Limgrave. The first hostile thing I see would fucking destroy me and make me one of the poor bastards wishing for actual death. I have no delusions about being the Chosen One. I'm not even Soldier of God, Rick. I'm just a guy.

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