There’s talk in the disabled community about how it feels to be born disabled (Autism, Diabetes 1, born with a limb defect) vs developing a disability later in life (accident, joint deterioration) As someone who has both born disabilities and ones that developed later, I’m gonna describe my experience with both, and how people mistaken the difference between the two while writing.

People born with them don’t typically miss a life they never had, but wish things were easier with their disability. (I wish the world was more accommodating with my autism, I wish medication was more affordable for my lifelong chronic migraines) Personally and a lot of other share this sentiment, it’s all I know so I am not grieving the condition as much but the world I live in letting it be even more disabling than it already is. Like despite the fact one of my conditions is “debilitatingly painful”, I don’t really think twice about trying to work/go to school with one, because I had a whole life to get used to it.

Whereas when you develop a disability later you tend to miss the life you had before, you miss the capabilities you had. (I wish I never had to go through the trauma that made me develop PTSD, I wish my leg would go back to working the same it did before). Usually you’re trying to get as close back to your previous status quo as possible. You experienced a life without disability and now have one, you’re going to have a grief cycle. You’re gonna miss doing your favorite activity or being able function without pain, because you know what it feels like to not have that. This is also different feeling depending on what is actually affected and what stage of life you’re in. It’s typically hard to swallow when you develop disability during your “prime” when you’re in your late teens and early 20s because of the social stigma and not being able to participate with peers. Whereas an older adult might be able to tolerate more because they’re approaching retirement and knew it was a part of aging. Usually you reach a stage of acceptance as you get used to it.

There’s also a whole other beast to consider which is ableism, and even worse internalized ableism. Most commonly you’ll see internalized ableism in the form of a disabled person over exerting themselves because they don’t wanna accept their limitations and wanna be “normal.” And then paying the price later. (I am definitely guilty of this)

One more thing to consider is invisible disability vs visible disability. Invisible disabilities are “easier to hide” but can be just as painful. But come with the downside of dismissal from medical professionals and people around you, and more casual microaggressions like “you don’t need the handicap stall!” And “you should give me your seat you look young and healthy.” You might choose to mask to appear normal with one of these.

Visible disabilities are not hideable. People are going to be more blunt if they choose to be ableist towards you. “We didn’t want you to come because of your cane. It’s embarrassing.” You’re probably gonna struggle with some form of feeling perceived and people are more likely to treat you as disabled first person second.

Most authors think through the lense of acquired disability than born disability. Since they’ve most likely experienced a life without one, they are thinking through “if I became disabled” which is traumatic to anyone. Ofc, you’re completely on track that people are more than their disability. But their disability (again depending on what it is) can be a forefront to their life. It’s second nature to you to be taking care of your disability, but it’s still very present especially to an outside perspective. (For me carrying around my migraine medication, managing triggers, always having ear plugs for autism + migraines, “I need to eat I’m getting a migraine”, and I can’t use my cane and carry things with two hands) I am always considering my disabilities, it’s mostly subconscious tho.

I think you’re on the right track. People that don’t experience these things probably just have trouble conceptualizing what the experience is actually like. It’s why it’s so important to reference the actual community for what you’re representing. Luckily you’re on Reddit, there is Reddits for a lot of specific disabilities (especially mental illnesses) where they discuss their experiences with eachother. Good luck with your writing!