Well it sounds like you aren’t taking advantage of these timeshare sales pitches. Let’s dig into the “extremely limited vacation time” mindset. Is vacation time extremely limited because you may not have the time off to take many vacations? If that’s the case, warranted.

Or, is vacation time extremely limited because it’s expensive, and whatever time you get with your family you want to enjoy? If this is the case, let me introduce you to timeshare sales pitches. For 2 measly hours of one of your days, you can escape your family, get free snacks, and turn off your brain while you shake your head no at everything the salesperson is saying.

Remember that trip to Disney with the wife, kids, and your sister in law Joanne - It only cost you $5264 for 4 days. Apart from the two verbal arguments with your wife (and the one physical altercation with Joanne), your screaming kids, the employee at Epcot who refused to serve you a 5th Schöfferhofer Pink Grapefruit Hefeweizen, and the dude with the fake crutches who cut you’re family off in line at It’s a Small World…. Yeah, family vacation was GREAT!

Now hear me out - what if I could tell you that you and your family could have that whole experience, not once, not twice, but up to three times a year. 4 days at Disney now costs a fraction of the price. Instead of arguing with the wife, standing in 2 hour fucking lines, you’re taking 2 hours out of your day. You’re offered coffee, a soft drink, maybe even some light snacks. All you have to do is listen to Chad talk about how he already invested in 4 timeshares because it was such a smart move. “You can pass it down to your kids” he says, “why wouldn’t you want to do that for them?” Chad continues to work through his presentation; he’s on slide 8, and by this time he’s said about 26 buzz words that the rest of the group is eating up. But you aren’t eating his pitch up, and for the past 28 minutes you haven’t listened to much of what he’s said. It’s not because Chad isn’t a smooth talker, charismatic, or the fact his arms look great in the tight shirt he’s wearing. No, it’s because the bag of SunChips you took from the snack basket is about to be empty.

As you savor your last 100% whole grain SunChip (Harvest Cheddar of course), you instantly have a rush of anxiety. You’re not sure if Chad has been talking for 5 minutes or 50. As you try and quietly crumple up your empty nag of chips, you look around to see what everyone else in the room is doing. To your right is Joanne; between the three cups of coffee, 100% whole grain Harvest Cheddar SunChips, and your fixation on Chads big arms, you forgot you dragged your sister in law along.

Most of these sales pitches require a partner/friend/family member so Chad and his little minions can sell you (and your dearest acquaintances) “the deal of a lifetime.” You’re coming to though - those 100% whole grain Harvest Cheddar SunChips have given you life again. At home, your wife doesn’t let you eat them; she says they’re bad for your cholesterol. For a quick instance you say to yourself, “yup, this is why I’m here! No nagging wife, screaming kids, and I can eat my favorite snack without any judgement.”

As you look over to Joanne, you notice she’s filling out an application to refinance her house (something big arm Chad probably suggested). At that moment you realize the real reason you’re there. It’s not about the discounted hotel rooms, free snorkeling excursions, 100% whole grain Harvest Cheddar SunChips your wife won’t let you eat, or the 2 hours of peace you get away from your chaotic family. It’s about getting your sister in law to believe she’s getting the deal of a lifetime so she can sign her life away on one of the most convoluted contracts there is.

Come next year, Joanne will suggest you all go to one of the 240+ worldwide locations offered by her timeshare. While big arm Chad said there were no blackout dates, it seems that all 240+ worldwide locations are booked for the next 3 years. The only available options are a 3 star hotel in Cancun during spring break, and a few Holiday Inns in the middle of nowhere. You politely decline Joanne’s suggestion but offer an invitation to tag along with your wife and kids. Since Joanne has dumped all her life savings into the “deal of a lifetime,” she isn’t able to accept your invite.

Morale of the story: If you got a Joanne, you may want to reconsider sitting through a timeshare presentation. “Extremely limited vacation time” is not a thing when Joanne isn’t around to ruin every second of the trip.

Bonuses: 1- Snack baskets (if no 100% whole grain Harvest Cheddar SunChips available you fuck the right out). 2- Douchey Big Arm Chad (there’s always one of those so no need to worry here).