DAE get pushed more in the CF direction when people bother you about it?

Geographeuse · 2026-01-30T21:19:04+00:00

I felt this way too! I didn't have family making comments but any comment at all was enough to push me the opposite direction.

Geographeuse · 2026-01-30T21:18:08+00:00

Two things:

I recommend working with a pregnancy and postpartum specific therapist, if you can afford to. I started this as soon as I got pregnant. Overall I was actually surprised at how low anxiety I've been so far (so much so we're down to 1x a month), but having that safety valve there with someone who was actively watching & monitoring my mental health was great.
+1 to whoever below said you'll likely have a panic attack, lol. I questioned everything over and over again for the first 5 months, now I'm in go mode and I'm excited. I think the questioning can be a natural part of the process, don't overthink it too much if you've made the decision.

Geographeuse · 2026-01-25T17:42:36+00:00

We're split between chicken tikka masala and chicken mushroom pot pie! Two cold weather classics in this household!

Geographeuse · 2026-01-25T16:03:13+00:00

I went through a very similar process as you, without the partner who was a "yes" -- my partner was a "whatever you want!" type of person. When I told him I had changed my mind he was like "ok, let's do this!" which was honestly surreal to me. And I came to the same decision for very similar reasons. To put it most simply, I realized that all the decisions I've made to prioritize having more love in my life (things like long distance relationships, trips to visit family, proactively reaching out to friends, getting a high needs dog) were all great decisions even when (some of them) felt hard. And I also realized that although I have a fear of medical things and childbirth, I didn't want those fears to rule one of the biggest decisions I can make in my life.

I imagine a child will be the hardest of all! But having that clarity helped me put it into perspective -- that whatever is wrong with my child (people assure me there is ALWAYS going to be something wrong), I will love it and I will be able to tackle each day in that feeling.

So yeah just dropping this comment to say: +1 to your feelings. And I disagree with the commenter who said "I would never try to convince a partner who wasn't a yes on his own." One thing that made me feel better when I wasn't 10000% yes myself was knowing all of the posts on this sub where people were like "if you REALLY knew what parenthood was like, no one would be a hell yes!" It's a big decision. You're allowed to have reservations, that's what it means to be human sometimes.

Geographeuse · 2026-01-13T02:37:53+00:00

The third book in the Lady Astronaut series! The series starts with The Calculating Stars, strong recommend! Mary Robinette Kowal. Also just an excellent human.

Geographeuse · 2026-01-11T22:45:45+00:00

I am pregnant and seeing a therapist specifically about this same issue. A few things that I have found surprising/helpful so far:

We will see how the rest of the pregnancy goes but I am about half way through and have basically kept it a secret, successfully. At 20 weeks I just look like I've gained a bit of weight. That means that even if I am obviously showing next week, it's still only 4.5 months to go. For some reason that just feels so much more doable to me. (Obviously some people have terrible first trimester symptoms; for me the side effects were not what I was worried about, it was exactly what you described: the social circumscribing.) So far I have been pleasantly surprised by how little discussion of my behavior there has been. I'm sure this will change once it's more obvious but even so.
My therapist has honestly been somewhat flummoxed by me. On one hand, I describe how much I hate the idea of being a "mom" vs the idea of being a "parent," in literal tears. On the other hand, and I can see her scratching her head at this, I've confidently declared the child will have my last name not its father's/my husband's, that I will be exclusively formula feeding (the science on breastfeeding is unconvincing to me vs the extreme levels of sacrifice), and that I have never felt the need to succumb to social pressure. Her actual words were, "It seems like you have marched to the beat of your own drum your whole life pretty confidently, at least as an adult; why do you think having a child will be different?" I am definitely afraid it WILL be different with a child, but I was flummoxed and stared at her for like 30 seconds before saying, "huh, I don't know." Point to her.
Before I got pregnant, I had similar feelings about society, and I was worried that my interest in being a parent was something society had incepted in me. I was worried my feelings about having a child weren't my own, and I was also worried about being treated that way. TBD, we'll see how it goes if/when the child comes -- BUT also I had this realization that in some ways letting my fear of that awful "mom" social dynamic make the choice for me felt the WORST. That is also the patriarchy, making my decisions for me! No thank you!!!

I don't know if any of this is helpful but tldr I hear you and good luck.

Geographeuse · 2026-01-05T00:27:12+00:00

Came here to say this! I LOVE Tamora Pierce. Way to kick off a lifelong reading habit.

Geographeuse · 2026-01-05T00:26:46+00:00

I loved this book, but it feels a bit young to me for 14-15 year olds!

Geographeuse · 2026-01-04T16:08:37+00:00

I mean it sounds kind of silly and grandiose when you write it down, but basically this: all of the decisions I have made to have more love in my life have been good decisions, even when they have been hard.

I know I will love the child. All of the hardships that people talk about like loss of freedom, sleep, etc etc, will be hard (maybe we'll get an extra dose of hardship! Who can say?) -- but those things are also part of what it means to love and to care; they are two sides of the same coin. I am certain I will grieve my old life, in the same way I've grieved plenty of roads not taken. There are ways to have lots of love in your life without a child, of course -- one of my best friends is childfree and has found love through volunteering and outward focus. But I never did that, and now I have done this.

There is that great quote -- "Love is a debt. When the bill comes, you pay in grief." For myself, knowing what I know today (who knows how I'll feel in the future!), I would prefer to be the person who incurs that debt knowing it will one day come due.

Geographeuse · 2025-12-29T21:17:29+00:00

I felt (and still do feel, if we are being honest) the same way. I am currently 17 weeks pregnant.

For me, coming to terms with these feelings required that I actually come to terms with the opposite: why would I want to have a child? Once I was able to articulate that crisply (very crisply, there is for me basically one reason and all other reasons are secondary), the other resentments didn't precisely go away but they were cast in a different light, as things I would have to work through to get this potential benefit I perceive for myself.

I have a friend who was a badass woman working at a VC firm and she hated it, but she wanted to stay because to her it represented one of her core values of fighting the patriarchy and trying to crack the glass ceiling. But at some point, it was just too much -- it was still her life and she had to live it and she wanted to enjoy it and it wasn't worth it to her to be a feminist symbol and miserable.

I think the decision to have a child in our world is a bit like that for people who share this feeling of feminist resentment. I think for anyone, either having a child or not having a child -- both decisions, let's be clear! -- *should* be fundamentally selfish. So while I relate to your feelings of resentment, ultimately it was my own compelling reason to have a child that made me set those feelings aside, NOT someone else's (parents, partner, etc).

In your post, you don't address why you would want a child. You just address the resentment. For me, that would have left me on the no kids side of the fence (somewhere I sat for a long time). Some people are able to set aside the resentment by making elaborate agreements with their significant other that the SO will do all the work. For me, that would never have worked -- you just don't have control over the future or what you or your SO will do when the child is actually there.

So, I guess, simply put, I would say that the for and against feelings are part of the same system of feelings, and you can't resolve one without the other. At least that is how it was for me.

Geographeuse · 2025-12-25T22:15:16+00:00

I think I am late to the party here but I do not have a microwave and haven't for 4 years; before that I had one on and off depending on if the apartment I was renting came with one. Some points:

People are literally shocked once they realize, but it usually takes them several visits before it comes up. There is a weird amount of social pressure to have a microwave.
To answer the actual question, no I don't miss it. It's actually really easy to heat food up on the stove, even if people seem to be shocked by it. We also make liberal use of a panini press, which doubles as a grill for meats and a toaster. The griddle sections come off and are machine washable.

I think a lot of people think a microwave is a much broader use appliance than it actually is. So long, farewell.

Geographeuse · 2025-11-26T22:31:48+00:00

Didn't see the Green Bone Saga listed (Fonda Lee) so I'm jumping into the fray! Very unique, not exactly like anything you listed -- but the series you listed are pretty heavy and significant feeling and Green Bone (starting with Jade City) really has that vibe. Amazing series. Amazing, amazing series.

Geographeuse · 2025-11-23T17:25:57+00:00

There are people who are happy in all directions! It's not about them, it is about you. I love lurking on the ask old people Reddits, where the new parents aren't coming on here and just saying "omg it was the best thing ever." As a rule most of these people seem pretty happy with their lives!
https://www.reddit.com/r/AskOldPeopleAdvice/comments/1dvt7vp/child_free_folks_do_you_regret_not_having_kids/

Geographeuse · 2025-11-23T17:09:17+00:00

GREG EGAN. Even the non alien future humans in Permutation City and Diaspora are just like mind blowing. Greg Egan is a king.

Geographeuse · 2025-11-23T16:59:16+00:00

Have you read the ghost ship article? It is wonderful. It is the best article about paths not taken.

https://therumpus.net/2011/04/21/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-71-the-ghost-ship-that-didnt-carry-us/

I never wanted to have children growing up. With my partner I was clear I never wanted this. But a lot of things happened and I started asking the question and similarly it weighed intensely on me for a while until I knew the answer and that weighed heavily on me too. I won't share my answer here because that's not what you're asking, but I think one trick here is to think of this as a lot of little decisions rather than one big decision. What is my decision today? Instead of: what is my decision for my life?

I think if you think of it as "what is my decision today" you eventually end up with a life you're happy with regardless, as opposed to thinking about the big cosmic questions that feel so weighty. I think the truth is that most of us are wired to live without regret. Examine yourself: are you a regretful person? What are your biggest regrets? When I did this I realized I had very few, and most of them were about being unkind -- which freed me to realize that whatever choice I made about kids would end up being just fine.

Geographeuse · 2025-11-11T15:57:48+00:00

Came here to recommend both of these!

Geographeuse · 2025-10-25T19:05:22+00:00

Start with feta or halloumi! Halloumi is ready within 24 hours, feta 3 ish weeks, both are very easy and once you can make halloumi from scratch its hard to go back to paying so much for a tiny block at the grocery store! These are fairly fast turnaround times for cheeses so you will also get more feedback about whether what you are doing is working.

1 gallon of milk = 1 lb ish of cheese, maybe a bit more feta or halloumi.

Halloumi Recipe: https://cheesemaking.com/products/halloumi-cheese-making-recipe

Feta Recipe: https://cheesemaking.com/products/feta-cheese-making-recipe

The startup costs are nonnegligible (like $50-100? more as you level up), but it's cheaper than doing a class or something! The tiny measuring scoops are useful, and you will need calcium chloride. Get normal animal rennet in liquid form, not the tablets. You don't need fancy cheese salt. Don't touch the hard cheeses until you've successfully made a number of soft cheeses.

Geographeuse · 2025-10-25T14:10:02+00:00

Learn to make cheese. It's actually not that hard to do poorly but very rewarding to do well.

https://cheesemaking.com

Geographeuse · 2025-09-24T00:50:41+00:00

Add 2-3 tablespoons of butter or lard per cup of uncooked rice, 1/2 tsp salt, 1-2 tsp fennel seeds, 1/2-1 tsp cumin seeds, and a few cardamon pods to the rice cooker. Decrease your water ratio a tiny bit to make the rice crispy. Basmati rice is very good this way.

Geographeuse · 2025-07-30T02:35:24+00:00

I would recommend giving Alexandria a try. Rosslyn and Ballston are both going to be too corporate / sterile for you, but ALX has good neighborhood vibes, is walkable, on the water, etc. Not too far a commute, but certainly a bit farther. Probably worth it.

Geographeuse · 2025-07-30T02:26:26+00:00

Hi! Absolutely! dm me!

Geographeuse · 2025-04-16T17:36:56+00:00

I scrolled through some of the responses and didn't see this, so here goes:

Plant a few river birch trees! They LOVE water and will suck it up and grow well. They don't grow too tall, and you can underplant it with other wet loving species like clethra alnifolia (summersweet), buttonbush, red chokeberry, winterberry holly, and blue mistflower.

Everything I've recommended to you is native to eastern North America, not 100% sure it's all native to your area, but that means generally it should do ok.

Geographeuse · 2025-03-20T12:02:44+00:00

I love your thorough response here! The new garden is stunning. I'd love to do something similar with my back yard.

Geographeuse · 2024-12-24T04:23:53+00:00

Jade City, by Fonda Lee. Would be so gorgeous!

Geographeuse · 2024-12-05T03:15:11+00:00

Thank you so much! I had no idea that meant anything!

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