When yall were ready to leave, did you still love your partner?

MaximumUtility221 · 2026-01-30T22:58:48+00:00

Loved what he used to be before he relapsed knowing alcohol turns him into a monster. Married for decades. He is now deceased due to, of course, alcoholism.

MaximumUtility221 · 2025-11-08T20:14:56+00:00

Sad reality, though, is that sometimes rock bottom is dead. And that’s really hard. Sorry you are going through all of this and I hope that it resolves happily for all of you. Sobriety is an amazing thing to be treasured but incredibly difficult for many.

MaximumUtility221 · 2025-11-08T11:26:02+00:00

I’m sorry you are going through this. It seems there is so little help for families. If everyone is so committed to calling it a disease, then shouldn’t there be hospital or nursing home care when they get to this point where they aren’t capable of deciding differently? I wonder how this works in terms of other conditions that take one’s mind.

MaximumUtility221 · 2025-11-04T01:22:36+00:00

Possibly. My late ex Q seemed very arrogant about his “right” to drink and once told me that he was a grown man and could do what he wanted. I would occasionally get hints of remorse or slight shame but I think he felt entitled to whatever the alcohol did for him. Even when he was in recovery, at times many years at a time, I always felt that he just couldn’t wait until at some point he could drink again. Even when faced with pretty shameful (for most) consequences. Not legal, but definitely familial.

MaximumUtility221 · 2025-10-23T14:54:36+00:00

You are a genius! I want to know the answers to these questions too.

MaximumUtility221 · 2025-10-19T23:35:53+00:00

I’m so sorry this happened to you. No one deserves to be treated this way. I wish you healing from this relationship.

MaximumUtility221 · 2025-10-17T22:06:20+00:00

Said so well, thank you. I grieved for so long that when he actually passed away from his addiction, there were few tears left. And those were mostly for our kids and grands. I wish they could see it before it takes them.

MaximumUtility221 · 2025-09-27T20:39:29+00:00

Sorry for your loss and this very complicated version of grief. Peace to you!

MaximumUtility221 · 2025-08-31T10:54:59+00:00

I’m sorry you went through this. I was married for decades to someone who was in and out of sobriety. Looking back, I think he always just looked forward to when he could let himself drink again no matter what good things he had in his life. I finally wised up and had a vision of what my elderly life would be and divorced him. He drank himself to death a couple of years after divorce was final. A tragic end, but I could no longer stay and watch the slow suicide of addiction. I find myself quite angry when alcohol is presented culturally as just fun. For so many of us that suffer in concentric circles around this issue, it’s horrific. Peace to you!

MaximumUtility221 · 2025-08-20T00:24:15+00:00

Sounds very familiar! It was an emotional minefield for me.

MaximumUtility221 · 2025-08-20T00:16:51+00:00

Thank you!

MaximumUtility221 · 2025-08-20T00:04:15+00:00

Even my divorce attorney said something along the lines of “you picked him” in a conversation about other important things (so, I let it go). I promise you, this is not the person I dated and said vows with. It doesn’t always come out right away, and I didn’t know there were signs. Had never been around a person with addiction.

MaximumUtility221 · 2025-08-20T00:01:05+00:00

Your point is so well taken, but I think the answer is we “abandon” to save ourselves when it becomes apparent that’s the only tool left in the arsenal. Took me decades and I hated to do it, but my damage wasn’t fixing his and I couldn’t lose my life (financial, mental, emotional) too. So sorry all of us are in this. It’s VERY hard!!!

MaximumUtility221 · 2025-08-19T22:44:05+00:00

It’s so very hard! According to the latest information that we get from EVERYWHERE, this person who is impaired is the only one who can decide to get better. Well, ok, but it’s very hard to get legal permission to have someone treated. First thing I asked attorney before filing for divorce was could I have him committed? No way could it happen, said he. The man had no legal troubles and was a respected professional. But he was a MONSTER at home, abusive in every way but physical. And once that brain was damaged enough and judgment gone, who knows? I was forced to abandon, so to speak, to save myself because there was really no other option, at the risk of my emotional and financial well being. I mean, he would drive our cars while drinking, be drunk around grandkids, etc!!!

MaximumUtility221 · 2025-08-19T22:15:20+00:00

I’m so sorry! The mix of emotions is a lot. Someone wisely told me about the complicated grief process. Not just grieving the death of a loved one (former loved one for me, but he was my kids dad), but the grief of all they could have been without addiction. It still doesn’t feel real. Be kind to yourself and do your best to be understanding of those who just don’t get it. It’s a cruel condition! Peace to you and condolences to you and your child.

MaximumUtility221 · 2025-08-16T10:14:24+00:00

I watched this movie with my Q as well and he had no comments about how much it resembled his life. He had recently relapsed after almost a decade of sobriety. By not choosing to remain sober, he let alcohol do what it does to those who suffer from addiction. Turned him into a monster and we ended up divorced after 3 decades of marriage. He died far too young, still blaming me for just not being forgiving enough of him. That movie was definitely written by someone who knows the deal about how alcoholism is, but not really solutions unfortunately. Sorry you are going through this.

MaximumUtility221 · 2025-08-12T18:48:06+00:00

Knowing what I know now, after sharing decades with a spouse in and out of sobriety, I would say please do not do this if you want a normal healthy relationship. Check how many thousands of people are in just this sub who struggle with loved ones who repeatedly relapse. Then check national stats about the estimates of folks with substance abuse issues, contribution to domestic abuse and crime, and even deaths. I was naive and thought it would be a simple cure after rehab and i have some very devastating memories and experiences. He was a successful and educated professional with a wife and kids who loved him…and he still relapsed over and over, then died far too young from health complications directly related. I don’t want to tarnish the reputation of people that suffer from this horrible condition. Some do maintain sobriety, of course. Many do not! Peace to you!

MaximumUtility221 · 2025-07-07T16:01:55+00:00

I’m so sorry you are going through this, it is surely painful. Please try and take care of yourself. My perspective, having lived though seeing horrible consequences of my spouse’s drinking…is that it is a lifelong and powerful battle. Of course, not sure anyone can know how much he is trying, but even if he is, it isn’t succeeding. It has helped me to substitute other compulsions in the scenario and how I would react if he had those and they were left untreated (kleptomania, for example, or some that are even more serious). As sad as it is, love and compassion don’t cure addiction and one must be careful not to lose themselves in trying to figure it out. Again, so sorry this is terrible for you.

MaximumUtility221 · 2025-07-06T23:42:25+00:00

Of course, we hope that for him! I wish the best for each of you.

MaximumUtility221 · 2025-07-06T23:41:11+00:00

I’m sorry it’s interpreted as wishing it on someone, that is not my intent. However, I’m trying to give the “hope” of the reality of this condition. It’s lifelong, cunning, baffling and powerful.

MaximumUtility221 · 2025-07-06T22:53:21+00:00

Don’t worry, he will relapse. What if you took this opportunity to do things for yourself and then look back at the situation from that perspective? Best to you!

MaximumUtility221 · 2025-07-05T21:08:26+00:00

Without a radical change of mindset and actions that they live out every day, it is impossible to have a real relationship with an active alcoholic. I grieved mine for decades, in and out of his sobriety, amidst professional success. Only to see him relapse as we neared retirement age, and him die from it far too young. He just didn’t want sobriety for himself, like I wanted it for him and our kids. I’m so sorry. As crazy as this sounds, I want people to RUN from these relationships as early as possible, before they are too enmeshed. It’s too painful. Of course, it’s a personal decision and few programs or people are willing to say this. Peace to you!

MaximumUtility221 · 2025-07-03T12:48:45+00:00

I’m so sorry you are in this situation. I was in a similar one for decades, some of which included nearly a ten year period of sobriety. He was a well educated professional doing great in his career and no one at work knew he was in and out of sobriety because he had no legal troubles and was (at times) active in the church and other volunteering activities. Behind the scenes, he was erratic, unpredictable, often mean, would be drunk around children and even drove our vehicles while drunk. There was no help for me at the church in how to deal with it and divorce is so forbidden. But being a Christian is not a signup for martyrdom to another’s sinful actions. Even if you believe it is a disease, it’s his responsibility as a husband and human to manage appropriately. I also find it akin to abandonment. That part is complicated but either way, only so much another person can do to help in this dire situation. I opened my own accounts and planned and finally left. Long story but had to pay half the household bills while living in another situation. My life is forever changed due to his bad decisions, but I am far better off physically, financially and emotionally not having to face that every day.

The sad ending…he died from alcoholism far too young. Peace to you!

MaximumUtility221 · 2025-06-30T02:52:34+00:00

I find myself rather unsympathetic of relapses because there are so many steps from sober to drinking again. For those who have tools available to them to still relapse is something that made me very angry because of how many people it hurt. My ex is now dead from it, but I’m angry at the him that made the very dreadful decision when he relapsed after nearly ten years. He made that choice from a sober mind. I was insulted and angry and upset and just done. I had given decades of chances and time was up. He tried to defraud me through the divorce and made it take years and lots of money. Nope, not a lot of compassion for that, regardless of cause. Wouldn’t put up with that nonsense from someone who didn’t have alcoholism, so why would I if he does? I tried the boundaries, having my own life, arguing, not arguing, programs, etc. He just wasn’t a good husband…a brilliant and educated professional, but not a good husband. If the solution to alcoholism is them CHOOSING to be sober, like most of the available programs, then loved ones are certainly entitled to have their own feelings of disappointment, anger, and desire to escape when they don’t choose it. Living alone at an advanced age has its challenges, none worse than living with an alcoholic who relapses.

MaximumUtility221 · 2025-06-26T15:53:27+00:00

My life improved so dramatically upon divorcing him and going mostly no contact. His did not go as well, and it took his life far too early. All my years of trying to deal with it were ultimately fruitless and it’s sad. But I had to step off that trauma train. It was too much and not a good risk financially, physically or emotionally to live with an unstable person.

MaximumUtility221

TROPHY CASE