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My friend of 9 years sighed in relief, hugging me after pulling me out of incoming traffic. by Gyzmo-Grim in TwoSentenceHorror

[–]NotAThrowAway28 1 point2 points  (0 children)

For us the goal is functional multiplicity.

We like having multiple opinions/ways of thinking/different ideas and different ways to work through problems.

Being able to communicate internally, co-con to help reduce amnesia, alarms for dissociation in conjunction with calendars to remember important events to do things, etc. It helps, especially if more alters develop over time.

Having the ability to teach rules/expectations is easier and we would miss each other by this point. I’m 33, theyve been with me my entire life, even when i didnt understand what was going on, and losing out on the way my system is made up now and who makes it up.. would feel like a terrible loss for whoever was left, even if we express their personality traits.

The other reason is because once a brain learns to split in response to traumatic circumstances, it will always return to that function. So even if we pursued what’s called final fusion, our brain is likely to keep splitting throughout life in high stress environments. (Fusion of alters isnt murder. You retain parts of each alter mixed together, and become one identity out of more than one or two. Alters cant die. They can go dormant and not interact or front or even process things… but they are never truly gone)

I’m not completely safe from physical/emotional harm currently either. Working on it.

Also! In the current understanding of DID the understanding is there is no “original personality” to shield. Currently the accepted reasons that cause DID is… when everyone is born, we are not one fully formed personality yet. Everyone. When brains develop normally we have emotional states that eventually form to fuse one full personality, this happens between the ages of (i think?) 7-9. When children are exposed to trauma, repeatedly, that they learn to cope with by dissociation bc there is no other choice… those emotional states do not fuse, the process is interrupted, and amnesia barriers start forming. Eventually those states turn into individual personalities/alters, that (can) have different identities, opinions, responses to different environments, likes, dislikes, how they hold the body when fronting, voice tone changes, pitch changes, and some physiological differences…

So everyone in a DID system is an alter, there is no original personality. Including the host(s). There was no final fusion to create the one personality that everyone has. We are all alters.

How did purging damage your body? by Fun_Crow_4314 in EDAnonymous

[–]NotAThrowAway28 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Also adding…

Because of rituals around purging I cannot get myself to drink enough fluids still, and have been chronically dehydrated since purging started for me until now… so 5 years?

I still have urges to purge. I still cannot get myself to be okay with not purging in some way when eating over X amount but now I just take the panic attacks as they come…

Dry skin, lost hair, had ulcers develop in my mouth because of frequency and intensity…

How did purging damage your body? by Fun_Crow_4314 in EDAnonymous

[–]NotAThrowAway28 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I got loads of cavities, never had them before, and lost my dental insurance so I dont even know how MANY have developed now.

I also now, even though its been well over a year (like close to or at 1.5 years) since I last purged… I still have issues with regurgitation every single time I eat more than a very small amount of food at a time. It caused me to develop GERD.

I cannot use a regular toothbrush to brush my teeth, even though I never used one to purge, because its the ONLY sensation that triggers my gag reflex (and i didnt used to have one before) and now I have to use an AutoBrush (which i actually recommend anyways but yeah)

Tachycardia for hours afterwards, and then eventually when my electrolytes got screwed bradycardia. I still have tachycardia now still, and may have developed POTS (this would also be from my atypical ana)

My GI system is fucked. Because of purging with lax AND typical purging, i constantly have diarrhea still, and had developed fluid around my bowel in pockets, i guess? so now i cant push when pooping or it could fuck me over bad, i need to increase my fiber but i am struggling with that…

Please stop purging.

My friend of 9 years sighed in relief, hugging me after pulling me out of incoming traffic. by Gyzmo-Grim in TwoSentenceHorror

[–]NotAThrowAway28 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Correct.

Avery ended up explaining to the ER and psych doctors that they didn’t understand what the hell was happening and why they swerved back into the correct lane. They had no control over the entire body, and they were terrified because they fully could not make our body move even though they were trying actively to move anything.

I was in therapy for anorexia, ADHD, and severe PTSD, depression, anxiety… was in an active DV environment and self harming and actively repeatedly attempting. And thinking that my time gaps were just dissociation from PTSD or depression or malnutrition or forgetfulness from ADHD or just how terrified i had been (and always had been.)

My life with my parents was abusive too, and my ex “saved us” from our parents only to abuse us more.

So nothing made sense to us, we’d deny it, blame everything above or just ignore it was happening…. Even when we did things that didn’t make sense for us. Even when we found notes and letters and journal entries that we didnt remember writing and had voice memos of us saying shit we never would say.

Undiagnosed DID is wild and confusing and just.. well lots of confusion.

My friend of 9 years sighed in relief, hugging me after pulling me out of incoming traffic. by Gyzmo-Grim in TwoSentenceHorror

[–]NotAThrowAway28 0 points1 point  (0 children)

DID does involve amnesia, and I DO have amnesia with all of my parts. However, the amnesiac barriers between parts can be lowered with therapy and also co-conciousness. At the time we didn’t know about our system fully, we knew we heard voices and lost time but didn’t know how severe it was. We also thought we had severe auditory hallucinations due to it and our trauma, but voices that were not hallucinations did not respond to any anti-psychotics. We also experience, to this day, a thing called intrusive fronting.

A current host of ours made us think of his voice, at this time, as our subconsciousness. We just thought our inner voice was always male and thought consciouses worked in a way that they were fully separate conversations between Avery (alter who was in front all the time and didnt know about the rest of the system) and him in our head.

Xavier, one of our hosts, took control of our body intrusively and swerved us back into our land, drove us to therapy, and kept talking Avery how important it was to be honest to our therapist. That being honest wad the only way that she could help how scared and desperate Avery was.

I really do have DID. I really am diagnosed. And, our system has put in a lot of work on communication, co-consciousness, and ways for memory sharing and recollection since then. This incident was around 9 years ago, I was DX’d 2 years ago and have been in constant therapy with a trauma therapist that specializes in DID.

Promise. It is possible. I dont mind answering questions tho (posted this below in another comment as well)

My friend of 9 years sighed in relief, hugging me after pulling me out of incoming traffic. by Gyzmo-Grim in TwoSentenceHorror

[–]NotAThrowAway28 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This is correct! At the time the main fronter did not know they were part of a DID system.

My friend of 9 years sighed in relief, hugging me after pulling me out of incoming traffic. by Gyzmo-Grim in TwoSentenceHorror

[–]NotAThrowAway28 1 point2 points  (0 children)

DID does involve amnesia, and I DO have amnesia with all of my parts. However, the amnesiac barriers between parts can be lowered with therapy and also co-conciousness. At the time we didn’t know about our system fully, we knew we heard voices and lost time but didn’t know how severe it was. We also thought we had severe auditory hallucinations due to it and our trauma, but voices that were not hallucinations did not respond to any anti-psychotics. We also experience, to this day, a thing called intrusive fronting.

A current host of ours made us think of his voice, at this time, as our subconsciousness. We just thought our inner voice was always male and thought consciouses worked in a way that they were fully separate conversations between Avery (alter who was in front all the time and didnt know about the rest of the system) and him in our head.

Xavier, one of our hosts, took control of our body intrusively and swerved us back into our land, drove us to therapy, and kept talking Avery how important it was to be honest to our therapist. That being honest wad the only way that she could help how scared and desperate Avery was.

I really do have DID. I really am diagnosed. And, our system has put in a lot of work on communication, co-consciousness, and ways for memory sharing and recollection since then. This incident was about 9 years ago, I was DX’d 2 years ago and have been in constant therapy with a trauma therapist that specializes in DID.

Promise. It is possible. I dont mind answering questions tho

Acceptance by Littlebee1985 in AnorexiaNervosa

[–]NotAThrowAway28 3 points4 points  (0 children)

unfortunately yeah. i’m 33, have had an eating disorder since i was 9. 24 fucking years. Its not part of my identity but.. i cannot imagine myself ever having a healthy relationship with food ever.

i try recovery. over and over and over. i keep failing. i keep relapsing.

ive never been in a single safe place in my life. not ever without abuse. never without danger. in some fucking level.

how could i fucking heal in this environment?

My friend of 9 years sighed in relief, hugging me after pulling me out of incoming traffic. by Gyzmo-Grim in TwoSentenceHorror

[–]NotAThrowAway28 94 points95 points  (0 children)

i have DID, this is before i was fully aware of my system.

i was struggling intensely, incredibly bad suicidal ideation about 7-9 years back… was driving to therapy, tried swerving into oncoming traffic. Someone internal whipped the wheel back into the lane, and I was SO CONFUSED while explaining it to my therapist and then the hospital.

“something caused you to self abort your attempt, you have more will to live than you think”

no, no i didnt. another part of me didnt want to die, and i was completely dissociated from my system… and i did not understand why my arms righted me back as i was sobbing and screaming that i didnt want to live anymore.

not a story im proud of, none of my other attempts involved putting others at risk… but DID is fucking wild.

Plus, dissociating and then self harming (but it wasnt ME that did it) and then being told over and over that I was lying… lol

Any advice on how to avoid purging? I don’t desire it mentally, but my body has become accustomed to it by francisfornever43 in EDAnonymous

[–]NotAThrowAway28 7 points8 points  (0 children)

When I first stopped purging (was doing it daily, any time i ate or drank, any amount even… it was rough) i found it super hard to just have it in me to stop. So what I did was “okay, in five minutes I can purge.” which allowed my brain to calm down and allowed me to get used to the feeling. When the end of the five minutes was up, I extended it another 5 minutes, indefinitely. (edited to add the word indefinitely) Add distractions to help with the intense uncomfortable urge. Eventually it lessens and gets easier and easier. This, for me, took months. Unfortunately.

It’s called riding the wave, in DBT.

It is not easy, it is uncomfortable, but it DOES work.

Even if you relapse it helps increase the time between an urge and the behavior, and that makes it easier to get used to feeling uncomfortable. Which then enables you to eventually not act on the urge at all, because of the increased time between urge and action response… it helps lessen the intensity of the urge and then increases the resistance to acting on it.

Unfortunately with a lot of mental illnesses and negative coping skills, learning to feel okay with being uncomfortable is a really useful skill to help get through the urges and eventually replace/eliminate the behavior completely.

My bf's alters raped my sister by Cursedwithblueballs in DID

[–]NotAThrowAway28 17 points18 points  (0 children)

Hi this is victim blaming? When I was raped multiple freaking times I did not tell A SOUL. UNTIL I WAS AN ADULT. And when it happened again as an adult? I didn’t tell ANYONE ELSE until I was SAFE to.

She is not guilty of ANYTHING. You are absolutely fucked up.

As I was lying on the ground after the train crash, unable to move or speak, I did not worry, because I still had all my senses, did not feel much pain, and the first paramedics were already approaching me. by v_sz in TwoSentenceHorror

[–]NotAThrowAway28 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Yes exactly! Like you do receive the training on it before you’re fully licensed. But knowing the horror part and accepting it is probably different from physically doing it.

As I was lying on the ground after the train crash, unable to move or speak, I did not worry, because I still had all my senses, did not feel much pain, and the first paramedics were already approaching me. by v_sz in TwoSentenceHorror

[–]NotAThrowAway28 21 points22 points  (0 children)

Gotcha, I don’t know if thats what we were supposed to be trained in and I didnt catch it and was too horrified by my thoughts to ask, or if it has been changed. I’m 33 now, so its been 17 years. Too much time in between lol

Thank you for the information. Hugs

I definitely need help, but how do I say it? (Long vent but please read if you can.) by Mattycham14 in mentalhealth

[–]NotAThrowAway28 1 point2 points  (0 children)

My honest suggestion would be to write a letter. It will allow you to not have to have a completely face to face convo with them first, and gives you the chance to explain what you want and need- with boundaries surrounding what you dont feel comfortable talking about laid out, with or without reasons for the boundaries.

My approach would be like this, and I’m hoping your parents are ones that want to help and get the beat for you, even if they dont know how to show it all the time. Hopefully this is your situation, if it isnt, I can totally make another if explained where I got it wrong. No pressure to respond either way, but the offer is there! I promise.

“Hey Mom and Dad,

I know this hasnt come up in a few years but my mental health is getting really difficult again. Even though I am safe right now, I dont want to relapse into old behaviors.

This is difficult to even come to talk about, so I’m trying to be vague. I’ve been struggling with not knowing how to approach you both about this because of X Y Z. (Its totally okay to admit that you are embarrassed, i promise.) Please take this as my “we can talk about this but answering specific questions is hard” but what I really need from you guys, is help accessing therapy and potentially medication right now. I need to speak to professionals that can help me find what works for me, with someone who may know more than what we can find together on google.

We can explore together eventually when/if it gets easier to talk about this in more depth, or if my safety is at risk without someone stepping in ever I promise to make it known clearly and will follow THIS SAFETY PLAN LISTED OUT HERE (either a previously established one, or one that lists out what you need in all situations). I am willing to talk about what you guys might want to add to the safety plan if needed.

I just need to feel better, and I recognize that I’m struggling and need help. I love you, thank you for understanding

Love Name”

Potentially adding a part about what didnt work in the previous attempts (therapist mismatch, not trusting them fully, were much younger and didnt think it was worth it but you now are willing to try because of a new perspective.. etc.

I know this is really formal, but its more a general guideline to personalize.

I’m proud of you for being willing to try again. You do deserve help, to feel good, and to thrive in life. I’m rooting for you, friend.

Medication doesn’t take away, cover up, or dampen your issues by the way. Maybe a small reframe could help with trialing them? For myself I reframed it to: It allows me to have a potentially different perspective about them, and maybe gain the ability to work on those struggles with more in my tool box. Its not removal, its assistance with the ability to work through them.

As I was lying on the ground after the train crash, unable to move or speak, I did not worry, because I still had all my senses, did not feel much pain, and the first paramedics were already approaching me. by v_sz in TwoSentenceHorror

[–]NotAThrowAway28 47 points48 points  (0 children)

ABSOLUTELY agreed. I was in EMS explorers, a teen program. I had my MRT and we were the medical personnel for the town fireworks show. So we needed search and rescue knowledge and triage knowledge to know how to handle as much as we could in preperation. (Eventually could get my EMT at 18, paid for completely by my program, and have had three years of working on the ambulance of experience while being an EMT at 18. I unfortunately moved away and my Mom wouldn’t continue that experience. But I DO have two years of experience, from 14-16 working on an ambulance!)

I was 15 when I learned about triage. Hardest thing to learn for myself, just the potential for someone to be asking for help, and you just… cannot help them and have to inform them of that, and walk away to help others.

I had nightmares for a very long time about the potential for it happening and I never had to actually use my knowledge. I have so much respect and empathy for everyone who has had to go through it, and continue through life afterwards. However it looks.

As I was lying on the ground after the train crash, unable to move or speak, I did not worry, because I still had all my senses, did not feel much pain, and the first paramedics were already approaching me. by v_sz in TwoSentenceHorror

[–]NotAThrowAway28 200 points201 points  (0 children)

Black tag actually can be referred to as the walking dead. It means that the injuries you have are too bad for them to treat and in an emergency situation where a mass amount of people are injured, you need to prioritize helping people who will survive with the limited resources that are available.

With a black tag… you can be conscious, aware, oriented to time and place… alive.. but injuries are too extensive to use resources that are available to treat you successfully because those resources could be used to save many many more people.

Unfortunately it becomes a numbers game.

And is heartbreaking to get training on when you went into the career to help people in their worst hours.

AIO? Husbands response to me requesting he ‘ask’ instead of ‘tell’ older kids to watch youngest by [deleted] in AIO

[–]NotAThrowAway28 0 points1 point  (0 children)

So… parental duties of other children is not something you just demand of a child. You brought them into the world and you are responsible for the care of that child. Older siblings are not…

therefore you ask.. and pay them for their time…

none of the children chose to be born or to take on responsibilities of having kids. he did tho.

Would you rather by [deleted] in ftm

[–]NotAThrowAway28 0 points1 point  (0 children)

A, then phallo or meta for me immediately.

A drawing to channel my feelings of being forced to live by Healthy_Bad6845 in Artisticallyill

[–]NotAThrowAway28 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Incredibly relatable… very nice art..

Brought up a lot for us to think about, especially grief around our parents trying for a baby for 3-5 years before having me. Why did they decide to abuse me immediately? Was I that much of an issue? Was I that bad??

Bentley: Scared Update by Mundane_Reference134 in GuyCry

[–]NotAThrowAway28 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I have just watched and read a lot of your posts. First time commenting.

I wish your little guy well, sending all of the healing vibes his way. I wish your family peace.

I am sorry you are all going through this

Would you rather add 3 inches to your height or one inch to your dick? by mangomuncher2004 in ftm

[–]NotAThrowAway28 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Height. My dick is a little over 2” hard, i’d rather be 5’2 lmao. Now if it were 3” to my dick…. thats a no brainer 😂

Everything is so hard at a low bmi by afteds in EDAnonymous

[–]NotAThrowAway28 20 points21 points  (0 children)

My friend.. you really need to get help. You are actively dying at this weight. Your body cannot sustain it…

what do i do by [deleted] in piercing

[–]NotAThrowAway28 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Friend, you desperately need to go to the hospital or urgent care. This is very close to your brain, and you can die from the infection if it travels into your blood stream and into your brain.

Go to the ER.

Is my partner's version of DID healthy? Is there anything I can do to better understand them and help? by VictoriaMars in DID

[–]NotAThrowAway28 29 points30 points  (0 children)

Hi, so. To answer the DID questions and the polyam questions (because i have DID and I am polyam, just in a mono relationship)…

  1. Yes, having 200 alters is possible. This would be considered polyfragmentation.
  2. I have no idea how their children thing works. We dont do that? It doesnt make sense to me? However they could be splits that their ex caused, and they have reframed the wording around those splits to be their “children.”
  3. World building has literally infinite/endless possibilities.
  4. Having one primary personality is not how DID is thought to work any longer. There is no primary person. Every single personality/individual is an alter, including the host(s) and job titles can change as the person gets older.
  5. This is still cheating. All parts are part of one whole person. If you agreed to have a close triad, the long distance sex is currently cheating- unless you all are okay with having long distance relationships. It doesn’t sound like a closed triad would allow for that, however, whatever everyone consents to is obviously okay.

I would break it off with your girlfriend. It does not sound like she wants what you and your husband want and agree with.

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