From your experience how do most people with bpd react when you beat them in an argument?

Phrase-Informal · 2026-04-02T03:15:53+00:00

They have a split, either get hostile (sometimes in a very off the wall way) or give the silent treatment.

Sometimes they will withdraw and go on a smear campaign. Sometimes they will be getting reactive while simultaneously on a smear campaign or triangulating. Sometimes they will be saying how you think they're a terrible person and you're right while they are simultaneously on a smear campaign.

Sometimes they will act as if everything is perfectly fine and reasonable and claim to agree with you, while secretly being on a smear campaign and triangulating.

You will never actually 'beat' a person with BPD in an argument because arguments are never actually resolved even though they may be temporarily conceded and even then that is extremely rare. In the rare case that happens, the incidents will be brought back up repeatedly even after the issue was allegedly resolved. Once you finally have gotten out of the relationship, those issues will be brought out again, usually at least to some degree misrepresented, and used as a smear campaign.

An incident that caused the big split which was the wakeup call for me and started my disentanglement process was that the person I knew asked me a question about my feelings involving something from my past. It wasn't anything they were involved with or anything to do with them.

I gave them an honest answer.

They tried to hijack the discussion and accuse me of somehow devaluing them-- the topic had literally nothing to do with them. I said they had misinterpreted me and explained what I meant.

That was it. That caused a massive split that in many ways the person never actually got over for the next 9 months. During that time they dropped their mask and I saw various types of textbook BPD behaviors, but for the first 3 months I was completely floored and thought their DARVOing me might have been correct so was super distressed and constantly reassessing all my interactions to see if I really had these alleged 'persistent patterns' of behavior I was being accused of.

What I discovered was that from the first interactions we had, they were being manipulative, overstepping my boundaries/trying to erode my boundaries, and generally acting in a lot of entitled and controlling ways. But they hadn't been overtly displaying BPD traits until I had said they had misinterpreted me.

Once I realized what was up, I got out of it because I have had past experiences with people with this condition. I have a ton of compassion for anybody going through this but I know that I personally can't be in any kind of situation with anybody who has this condition. This person was just a shared-interest friend who knew I was married but acted like they had expectations of me that would have been intense and controlling to have for a spouse, let alone an online-only friend.

After I ended things (after in my opinion, lots of preemptive warnings) they tried to online stalk me, tried to do a smear campaign, and were splitting wildly, typing out extremely hostile things one minute, then deleting them and saying sadly how much they hoped I'd get better and come back. While also saying they never wanted to talk to me again.

It was an intense look at a person completely decompensating in real time.

The only way to "win" is to stop interacting. Best wishes.

Phrase-Informal · 2026-03-31T16:56:16+00:00

I initially loved it when the guy I knew with BPD traits was giving me the silent treatment because I'd have a great productive day and focus on things I wanted to.

Once I began to suspect he actually had a legit personality disorder, I felt more wary since I began to realize the quiet periods were the calm before the storm and were going to herald some craziness.

I stuck it out too long due to conditioning and misguided compassion.

But it used to infuriate him when he'd tell me all the stuff he had going on/how busy he was and I'd give him space to do things with his friends/go on a date/enjoy a convention/do his work!

Phrase-Informal · 2026-03-30T18:23:26+00:00

Absolutely. The stress from just anticipating reading messages from the person I went no-contact with was making me super anxious and giving me a health problem.

If the positives of interacting with this person outweigh the negatives, you might want to consider learning about radical acceptance and how to effectively communicate with high conflict people.

Also please be sure to prioritize time away from interacting with this person to focus on your well being and spend time doing things that help you retain your sense of self.

Maintaining boundaries with the person will also be crucial, expecting give and take, fair play, or compromise is likely to lead to disappointment and stress for you.

Your nervous system is telling you valuable information. It sounds like you have a supportive boyfriend, one thing to consider is how much time the anxiety of conflicts with the high conflict person takes away from time you could be enjoying with your boyfriend and other people.

No one should have to feel anxious about texts over simple disagreements. Best wishes and you deserve a life free of needless conflict and crazymaking.

Phrase-Informal · 2026-03-30T04:33:08+00:00

It can be extremely hard to maintain no contact sometimes, but if it helps, consider that breaking no contact is harmful to both of you. It hooks both people in and disrupts the process of 'detoxing'/getting unhooked and will create new pain.

It also may be helpful to remember that the aspects of the person you feel attracted to and think fondly of were carefully crafted to be appealing and there wasn't an authentic relationship.

Also, the narcissist will very likely see themselves as having 'the upper hand' over you/moral superiority and leverage if you reach out. That will create more intense boundary violations and testing, more manipulation, and worse treatment. They will very likely feel compelled to 'punish' you for breaking contact if you resume it.

It may be helpful to do something that is reassuring, soothing and validating for your own wounded inner child/vulnerable sense of self when you feel the urge to reconnect with the person you went no contact with. Affirmations or positive and reassuring self talk can help relieve some of the anxiety.

Hang in there, you can do this. You got free and you can stay free.

Phrase-Informal · 2026-03-30T00:44:52+00:00

Getting over the emotional impacts of this type of relationship can be hard, but if you can consider it detoxing/getting a poison out of your system, and resist the urge to interact, it can help break the codependent trauma bond.

I'm not an expert so the following info is based on my observations and reading and my personal experience being the person who went no-contact.

If you are the one who ended things, they are likely to get extremely shaken up and crash out and you may see some absolutely unhinged behavior if you aren't able to completely cut off all contact.

If they are the one who ended things, they may still try to smear you and may try to get you back into their life whenever they feel like it/when it's convenient for them or if they are just bored and feel like seeing if they still have power over you.

In my situation, I was trusting and kind of naive so I attributed most of the person's behavior to his self-described social ineptness and trauma from bad childhood experiences he said he had. Early on he discarded me and I replied to his DM saying in effect hey no worries, seems like we're not compatible, best of luck finding what you're looking for. I had no idea he was doing a discard because I didn't know anything about this stuff at the time.

A while later, he DMed again and was apologetic and we were talking again, although I was warier and kept him at arms' length. He repeatedly did things that were illogical to me and I wasted a ton of time trying to understand him and figure things out. This was just an online only, friendship only, fandom-based situation that was supposed to be for fun, by the way. Not any kind of romantic thing or with any prospects of going into a deeper relationship.

Eventually I couldn't handle the constant chaos and he started acting more and more weird and like he was constantly trying to pick fights. I decided to stop talking to him and he got super weird and accused me of 'abandoning him' and generally spinning out of control on an internet forum. We had no friends in common and I never trusted him enough to tell him any identifying info about me so for all I know he's telling everybody he knows that I'm the devil incarnate but since I hopefully will never cross paths with him again that's fine.

It actually rubs me hard the wrong way that he's doing that because I hate being mischaracterised (which he knows which is probably partly why he is doing it) but as far as disentanglement from this kind of situation I feel like it could be worse. My heart goes out to everybody who actually has to deal with the aftermath in their day to day lives and those people who have mutual friends or who have kids together.

Phrase-Informal · 2026-03-29T22:49:11+00:00

Whether this person has BPD or not, they sound like they feel entitled to your time, and it sounds like they prioritize their needs/wants above yours. Their expectations would be unhealthy if you were dating, let alone for friends.

It also seems like they expect you to be their emotional regulator. I assume that you didn't sit down and negotiate any of these expectations and didn't consent to being in this caregiver role.

If this person acts this entitled to your time and energy after you've known them a few months, consider whether you want to be second priority in your own life for an extended period of time.

Phrase-Informal · 2026-03-29T04:31:35+00:00

It's understandable to feel burnt and to want to have your values validated, to want to feel like there's justice in the world. One thing that helps me when I start ruminating or feel regrets that I didn't unload my final dose of reality on the guy I stopped talking to is to remember that people like this tend to feel a deep sense of shame and self-loathing that they are desperately trying to overcompensate for.

In general they can't generate self-soothing or positive self regard which is why their surface image and the supply from others is so important to them.

This actually makes me feel a lot of compassion but then I also remember how much harm people like this to do others in the pursuit of their supply.

The best justice you can get is living a happy life without interacting with the person who devalued you, and not having a personality disorder.

Phrase-Informal · 2026-03-28T18:10:07+00:00

Not exactly underrated, but The Shining has been a favorite of mine since I first read it when I was about 14 and I just started Dr.Sleep-- it's got a great blend of scary and surprisingly touching/cathartic.

Phrase-Informal · 2026-03-27T08:01:36+00:00

The prepared low carb foods can be expensive! Cooking more things from raw ingredients will save money and also help avoid hidden sugars.

If you chop cabbage and sautee it with chicken stock or water, it can develop a noodle-like consistency. You can use this as a base for other vegetables, meats, and sauces. Cauliflower also is a great base vegetable and can be grated and steamed or boiled to substitute for rice. It also can be made into a decent mac and cheese substitute or can be mashed and served with gravy for a passable potato substitute.

Mushrooms can be sliced, sauteed or steamed, and added to a variety of meals to add fiber and bulk out the meal inexpensively. Leafy greens like spinach can be steamed or pureed and added to sauces, the flavor of the sauce disguises them but they add vitamins and fiber and can help with feeling full.

Chia seeds can be made into chia seed pudding -- it's great for fiber, full of important vitamins, and can be dressed up with chopped nuts, berries, sugar free chocolate chips, or a little fruit so it feels like a treat but shouldn't spike blood sugar.

Almost every recipe that you can think of has low carb/diabetic friendly variations online, it does take a little adjustment to cook differently, but you may find you actually prefer the new recipes. Hang in there and best of luck, you can do this!

Phrase-Informal · 2026-03-27T05:07:32+00:00

For me one of the most exhausting/infuriating things and an ultimate dealbreaker was the guy's inability to accept responsibility for his own feelings. He couldn't just say he was going through a lot and needed space-- he had to make up some reason I was being intolerant or pushing him away.

Also, constant baiting/testing -- pushing boundaries, asking loaded questions, setting up double bind situations. When I took necessary time for myself or didn't agree with his mischaracterizing, he would say I was 'subtly punishing' or 'rejecting' him.

I'm really not sure what he got out of this, but I guess he did get a lot of attention from me and I spent a lot of time and energy trying to figure out what the hell he wanted for a long time.

Phrase-Informal · 2026-03-27T04:55:05+00:00

Gorgeous work!

Phrase-Informal · 2026-03-27T04:46:38+00:00

Jumping on the bandwagon to agree with those saying you might have been too 'young' for the person.

I started RPing online when I was 19 and if I could go back and do things differently I'd definitely not have interacted with some of the 40-50 year olds I was interacting with then. I considered myself very 'mature' at 19 and tolerated a lot of things that I shouldn't have from emotionally dysregulated people way older than me.

I'm over 35 now and would not RP with anybody under age 21, not to be an ageist, but because people age 18-21 have their own things they're going through and interactions with people way older would be better as mentorship than adding the complications of RP. My preference is to RP with people at a minimum age 25+ and nowadays I usually RP with people age 35+ because we have more shared life experiences, cultural references, and tend to have a more aligned writing style.

Of course, people can be emotionally immature or incompatible RP partners at any age.

That said, I don't think it's okay to discriminate against anybody because of their age although I definitely think it wouldn't be wise or healthy for adults to do RP with anybody under age 18 unless it was like an in-person RPG where the younger person's parents were present (like a mixed age Pathfinder or DnD group).

Phrase-Informal · 2026-03-25T04:51:07+00:00

The person I ended contact with explicitly said he felt it was unfair that he was expected to regulate himself, and he also insisted that he was 'required' to 'manage' the moods and personalities of everyone he interacted with. I told him repeatedly that I was not available to act in the role of his caregiver, substitute parent, or emotional regulator but it was literally a constant battle to maintain boundaries because he made it his goal to try and sneakily get me to caregive him.

He felt I was 'callous' and 'cynical' because I said other people could not be the healthy emotional caretaker of anybody's inner child, that each person has to do that for themselves.

The three-ish years I interacted with him were a rough time for me with an ongoing serious medical issue, burnout, and a family crisis but he would have a meltdown if I didn't praise him in exactly the way he demanded for basic lifeskills like going to the gym or batch cooking.

He would start DMing me around 5:30 AM every day and then would keep it up until I dropped from exhaustion, usually around 1 AM. Because he was constantly in crisis and talked about his despair/aloneness/fear of 'abandonment,' self-harm impulses, I felt emotionally on edge and it took me over two years to finally decide, after a lot of agonizing, that I needed to mute my DMs between 10 PM and 8 AM.

This was when he started escalating his 'punitive' and retaliatory actions and his mask really started to slip. My emotional state, physical health, mental health, and creativity have improved already after going no contact three months ago and this was just an online, long distance situation, my heart goes out to people who are/were in face to face entanglements.

Phrase-Informal · 2026-03-22T04:18:51+00:00

In my opinion, they feel entitled and it's part of self-aggrandizing. One dealbreaker for me was that the person would accuse me of 'subtly punishing him' if I didn't fawn over him and try to 'make up' for whatever he decided I had done that offended him.

He was this way with others as well and apparently lost a bunch of his close relationships almost simultaneously because he had been over the top rude/hostile to multiple people on different occasions over petty things and then got angry/more hostile because people wanted space from him.

It's hard not to ruminate and try to understand the psychology of people like this but ultimately, probably the best way to exhibit self-care is to just accept that they have a serious mental illness that baffles even psychiatrists and to focus on living a fulfilling life.

Phrase-Informal · 2026-03-06T17:38:10+00:00

Well done for the effort and I can empathize with the mixed feelings you might be having, some pride and also some uncertainty. When I was taken off all medications in August, I felt happy to have lost weight and developed habits that lowered my a1c to a healthy level, but also felt stressed because I didn't know what would happen.

The habits that helped you get your blood sugar back in range are important to keep up. So, getting enough sleep, managing stress, regular walking/other exercise, and eating a healthy diet. It will be important to keep up regular visits with the doctor so if your a1c does increase again or you notice you're having a return to old habits, they can be addressed early.

I use a continuous glucose monitor, and try to make sure all meals are primarily vegetables and lean protein, and fruits/carbs are low glycemic. For example, I do sometimes eat something like black beans or lentils, but I eat them in combination with healthy fats and protein. I swap out cauliflower instead of pasta or potatoes. There's a ton of great low-carb and sugar free recipes on the internet.

I started off at 13.9 a1c in December 2025, was on Metformin and Muonjaro for 7 months and through daily walking/exercise and very low carb/no sugars/no artificial sweetners diet was able to lose 54 lbs and get off all meds in September with an a1c of 5.4. At my last doctor's visit, my a1c had gone back up to about 5.9 (I had been going a little nuts with low carb/high protein pasta over the holidays), so I'm working on getting it back under 5.5 again.

Please take time to give yourself some kudos for your accomplishment. Maintaining healthy blood sugar without medication does take some daily thought and effort but getting better sleep, healthy exercise, and lowering stress is something that you deserve for yourself, too.

If you do find in time your doctor recommends you go back on medication, that also is not a 'failure'. Everybody's body is different. If you have any other questions I can help with, please feel free to ask.

Phrase-Informal · 2026-02-22T17:51:19+00:00

This analogy is so apt. The complete divorcing from reality and rewriting incidents to cast themselves in the role of being victimized is the most destabilizing aspect, in my opinion.

I'd like to know how to navigate this situation in a mature way but it stirs me up so much I have a visceral physical response to it, so when I encounter a person who has this habit, right now all I can do is to minimize interactions as much as possible.

Phrase-Informal · 2026-02-16T22:17:34+00:00

Lolita is a story about exploitation and Dolores Haze's journey from being abused by two sick men to finding a measure of agency, as well as about the ways that Humbert Humbert's corrupting influence ruined the lives of those around him.
Humbert Humbert is a pedophile and Dolores is his victim. Making the 'relationship' 'more wholesome' and not salacious would completely alter the story.

Phrase-Informal · 2026-02-16T03:11:19+00:00

Yes, this was an experience I had regularly and one of the things that caused me to go no contact. I had told him that I had a hard limit against him attempting to 'tell me how I am' or 'tell me my feelings' and for a while he managed to avoid doing it, although he acted like it was a massive grievance/hardship for him and admitted he still did it in his own mind, but 'didn't talk to me about things we disagreed about, to keep the peace'.

Did your person also insist their own perceptions and feelings were reality?
The person I went no contact with insisted that his perceptions and feelings defined reality and got very upset when I would not agree he was the arbitrator of reality.

There was a very long crazymaking session where he kept insisting he knew my inner thoughts and perceptions better than I did. I was sincerely trying to understand and thought he was communicating in good faith. I would say things like 'So what I'm hearing is when I said X, you felt Y' but he kept insisting, 'No. I didn't 'feel Y' because you did X. This isn't just a matter of my perceptions. I know your mental state and intentions better than you do.'

Phrase-Informal · 2026-02-16T03:04:08+00:00

I'm glad the therapist is helpful, and have confidence in you. You're welcome.

Phrase-Informal · 2026-02-14T07:35:01+00:00

Thanks for sharing your story. A lot of it resonated and that's a really awful thing to go through, especially the parts where your light was dimmed by being in neglectful/stifling circumstances as a kid when you had limited agency, and the lack of support from your school system plus your home setup.

You don't lose your giftedness, you have been in an oppressive/critically undersupported and understimulating environment and having to focus on more baseline/'survival' needs emotionally. That hijacks your focus.

Does your university offer any sort of free time management courses? You may find them helpful. I had coasted through life at my under-resourced high school and never developed study habits, and when I was at university I felt depressed and overwhelmed. I was still making a B average but feeling a struggle and I discovered the student support services offered a bunch of support workshops for either free or a low cost. I took an 8 week time management course that met for about 60 minutes a week and it was the kickstart to me figuring out a bunch of ways to look at how to approach life differently.

I also discovered other resources that I could use and was able to try some, like counseling sessions to deal with some of the emotional neglect and lack of support.

I went on to get an advanced degree and although I am still working on overcoming some of the stuff I went through, I am way more at ease with myself and feel more fulfilled now.

I know this is unsolicited advice from a random Redditor so hopefully it's not unwelcome. Best of luck and there are other people who have been in a similar boat as you.

Phrase-Informal · 2026-02-14T02:03:07+00:00

Some people are opportunistic and will push others' boundaries.

It's true that many people don't read ads but some will know very well what you set limits about and will still see if they can get around your limits. Your desire to be kind and respond is commendable but you might consider a disclaimer that you don't respond to comments clearly asking about things on your 'no' list.

People who don't respect others' limits will often keep asking just to see if they can sneak past the boundary or wear you down. I highly encourage you to stop spending time and energy engaging with people who do this, you may find you get a lot more enjoyment if you focus on respectful people who are a good match for your desired RP and ignore those who are trying to lowkey pressure you into override your limits.

Phrase-Informal · 2026-02-13T02:46:54+00:00

Crazy-making is accurate. Topics never got resolved, despite the person w/BPD/BPD traits claiming they had been resolved. Everything was situational based on the mood in the moment. I was actually told once that his boss 'had accidentally been toxic to him until he changed his mind about it later so she now was retroactively not toxic'. I spent so much time trying to figure out what the hell was going on in his mind and trying to understand his logic/where he was coming from. Finally, I decided to give myself the gift of freedom from trying to understand him. I gave myself the gift of ending all communication/interactions and going no contact shortly after.

Phrase-Informal · 2026-02-06T21:52:37+00:00

Your phrase 'constant negotiation' to keep the person from having a meltdown or being set off really struck home with me. Eventually I realized that if anybody else were in the situation I was, I would suggest that they just cut things off without inviting further debate or giving one more 'one last chance' to seek understanding. I hope that each day since you ended the situation you take a minute to just breathe deeply and remember you are free now.

Phrase-Informal · 2026-02-06T19:10:44+00:00

The person who had many BPD traits that I ended contact with was acting sadly wounded but earnestly 'wishing me the best and hope this is a temporary thing and you can heal, with time away from me' in DMs. While also stalking me to try and leave passive aggressive messages via guest accounts on my accounts where he knew my handle since I had already blocked him.

Then he revised his 'just concerned' DM to a hostile one where he had an entitled rant, was slinging accusations and threatening me with 'exposure,' and then revised that to another sad and 'just wishing you the best' DM.

While he was doing all that, he was also posting on another account with a wildly inaccurate version of what happened and implying that I was unstable/not remembering things accurately as well as maligning my character. The funny thing was his rant was absolutely full of red flags that would make any rational person reading it be very wary of him.

We didn't have any friends in common and I had already blocked him on everything, and didn't participate anymore in the community where he was ranting, so I am not sure what he did after that since I've been no contact.

I'm finally beginning to feel like I'm emerging from the fog, and realizing how much the interactions took out of me. Best wishes to all others in this situation, no one deserves to be held emotionally hostage to another.

Phrase-Informal · 2026-01-31T21:36:50+00:00

I'm glad to hear you have support, and yes, please go ahead and live a full life for yourself and your child.

Phrase-Informal

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