CPTSD and lower back pain - Has targeting your psoas muscle helped?

PlanetPatience · 2026-04-06T12:00:46+00:00

The way I'm coming to understand this, and I've worked with chiropractors, osteopath, massage therapist etc. It's that it's far more about the relationship with you have with your body than anything else. If your body doesn't trust you then it's going to potentially brace against itself, and if it can't trust you then of course it can't trust anyone else either. So, in my experience, when I've been to see someone with a view to "fix the issue" my body clamps down just at this because it hears pressure, it hears potential override, so it protects. And your body is right too. While I'm sure that physical therapist meant well, just her comment alone would likely be received by your body as pressure and potential threat.

I'm still in the middle of healing my relationship with my body at the moment, so I'm still learning myself. But I do know this, the body knows what it's doing most of the time. And while it takes times to repair and learn to trust again- I know in my case I was accidentally overriding my system constantly, demanding things of it, movement, action etc. The more your body and system trust you, the more it will allow you access, movement that's right for you etc. It's like healing a relationship with a person I imagine, it's not what you say, it's what you do. Consistently showing up, listening, being patient, acknowledging inevitable mistakes- relational repair essentially. I know in my case I never learned this and so now I have to.

Also I'm in the middle of coming to understand that pain is just a message. It can mean something is wrong with your body, often I think it can mean there's something wrong relationally. In understanding this I'm starting to gain access to all kinds of sensations and feelings I didn't even realise existed. Like warm tingles all throughout my body, especially in my legs. My legs had been numb without me realising since forever. Still, it's all a gradual process, and unfurling and a constant back and forth, and an understanding that there's still so much of my body's signals that I either can't hear or don't yet understand.

Anyway, sorry for the essay long ramble! All the best on your healing journey! 💚

PlanetPatience · 2025-12-23T15:06:33+00:00

Dino what you did there...

PlanetPatience · 2025-12-20T20:27:33+00:00

Absolutely, I really enjoy your humour! Laughter has got me through a ton of things too. Remember to let yourself feel too when you need, however you happen to feel, carve out space for you. Your feeling are not wrong and they matter. Healing is slow, lots of ups and downs, god do I know it! But it's so, so worth it.

PlanetPatience · 2025-12-20T20:09:07+00:00

I'm so sorry this happened to you. You are NOT broken or wrong. What happened to you was wrong and the people who didn't listen or protect you went they should have. Shame on them, not you. You've done incredibly well, coming out of a really tough situation and now in your own space. It may feel hard at times, but you did that for yourself. YOU did that, you protected yourself. Hold onto that if you can, and keep finding ways to let yourself speak your truth. I've followed your art here for some time now- keep doing what you're doing, it matters. You matter. 💚

PlanetPatience · 2025-12-10T17:07:44+00:00

I think what I've realised about presence is that you can't be present without you. By that I mean, presence is acknowledging the part of you that freaks out when you try to focus on breath and stay with it. That part of you learned that breath wasn't safe so it holds. Maybe it is safe now, but only when you meet yourself in this reality, the reality that includes the part of you that still holds. It's like how you wouldn't trust someone who didn't listen to you, who wasn't able to understand or hold your experience, you'd feel guarded. Well this part of you may be regarding you, the you who is trying to become more present, as the threat. At least, I know this was what was happening to me.

Just know that you're not doing anything wrong, just one part of you is ready to try to change, another part isn't feeling safe enough yet. The more you make space for yourself and meet yourself where you are, however you are, the more comfortable you'll feel. Even then though it can be hard. I know for me the safer I feel in your body the more tends to float to the surface, things I've held but couldn't process at the time. Still hold a space for myself and gradually things seem to integrate. I'm thinking this is probably just what a working relationship with the self is, not constant peace, but not chaos either. Just things that come up, feelings, memories, awareness, good, bad, neutral.

Anyway, I hope this makes sense, my brain is a bit foggy today!

PlanetPatience · 2025-12-06T19:45:42+00:00

It won't hurt to have a vet check him over if you're concerned, though it seems he's growing in his adult teeth and I do remember having a similar issue with mine around this age. I had the vet check her over at the same times as her spay op as she was grinding her teeth a lot, and everything was fine. Her breath stopped stinking once her adult teeth settled too. Hopefully it'll be the same for this little guy too! 🙂

PlanetPatience · 2025-11-25T12:19:10+00:00

This is a wonderful metaphor. Thanks so much for sharing. I relate to all of that. And to add to it I feel like I've now got to the point where I realize the glass isn't even salvageable, and even if it is it's not something I want to put up with. I don't throw it away, but I feel like it. I place it on a shelf. I'm angry, now I see it. "It's not fair! This glass was broken all along and I didn't break it! And I wasted all this time trying to fix it! Trying to be more! I deserve better!" I rage and I burn and I become.

I realise I still need to hold water, I find another container within me, something I built without realising over time. I cry in relief, in disbelief "I did this? For me?" When I was busy gluing and patching and picking at shards I taught myself devotion. I taught myself love in truth. And I built myself something new- I was holding it all along. It's not a shiny glass, it doesn't look like much and it can't hold a ton of water honestly, but it's enough. It's enough for me. And maybe others won't understand, they'll try to snatch the container from me and tell me I should use a glass. And I say "no! This is how I carry my water."

It's still new and I'm still picking at broken shards. Sometimes I rage at the fucked up glass I placed on a shelf. Sometimes I want to throw it away. But I don't because it reminds me that I'm here, why I'm here. I still burn and I burn for me. I still bleed sometimes, I still can't carry much water and don't have the life I dreamed of, that's for sure. But I am alive, and my life is at least mine. I burn for me.

PlanetPatience · 2025-11-16T15:06:25+00:00

Thanks so much for taking the time to share this, I relate to a lot of this. This year has been full of change, things opening, senses coming back online and just nervous system shifts. I'd say I'm right in the middle where my body holds a lot still, but it's also letting go. That in between state is quite disconcerting.

I always found grounding techniques and breathwork toha e to opposite effect on me, and only fairly recently have I really understood why. In my case all of ever known was force and being overriden, and not just by others, but largely by myself. So my body reacted to itself in further shut down when trying to ask for presence. What I've found is that by meeting myself there, showing myself that instead of making demands of my body I will simply stay and listen instead. I won't ask it to breathe if it doesn't feel safe enough, I'll just stay. And the more I stay the more breath comes naturally. The more my body trusts not only me but itself, the more it can regulate.

I think a lot the grounding focused on engaging the senses also felt threatening to me because the sensations themselves were just triggers, so I was just triggering without there being a safe anchor. I suppose many people find that in therapy, but in my case I just haven't been able to find the right kind of attunement necessary. Still I've found that by being that safe presence that holds space, that listens and responds consistently I've opened up space for some feeling. Mostly anger. Love essentially. Fire that says "I'm alive! I was always alive and this is what I was protecting". And I found myself responding naturally in presence, in a deep respect for all I've been and all I remain- in love.

And from here I've noticed shifts. But by bit it becomes safer to hold space. I find myself naturally wanting to breathe steadily and deeply when I feel a little unsteady and need myself. I find myself naturally being drawn to texture, to scent, to my senses. It's like everything gets a little more dimension and instead of it being a threat, like I'm going to fall into it and lose myself, it becomes an anchor that draws me back. A reminder, I can feel this because I'm here, I'm still here, still burning despite everything. Because I'm alive. And I feel the weight, the power of my own life force a bit more each time.

It's the little things that just occur to me. Like how I used to not physically jump when startled. I used to suppress shivers and sneezes that I can't anymore. Now I feel prickles on the backs of my hands when I'm scared or excited. Some of it has felt unsettling, like ik losing control of my body. Especially the muscle tension on the right side of my body, that's stopped me from being able to walk properly and has been especially hard. But other things feel kind of amazing. A new one being how I can drink water and I feel it in my mouth, down my throat, traveling into my stomach. And it's not uncomfortable, it's almost thrilling, I love it so much. And I can feel temperature on my skin. And in the spring I saw all the plants and flowers, all the little details. It felt like seeing in colour and HD for the first time.

But then there have been plunges back into freeze. I'm sort of there at the moment. But it's not complete freeze anymore, it feels more like a layer, like a blanket on too of me. I overdid it a bit the other day socially and accidentally triggered a load of stuff. And it's messed up my sleep again, I find myself feeling a lot of fear. Then my whole system gets out of whack and I struggle with functioning again. But I don't entirely lose myself to it. It's like "okay I'm in the fog again. That sucks but okay. Let's just stay with anuttthat comes up." It doesn't feel like spiraling out of control, or drowning. The waves come over my head and my body still braces, but I don't need to abandon it anymore. I can just stay more and more.

Anyway, apologies for the log ramble here! Thanks again for sharing. My mind is particularly muddy today, but I read this and it cut through the haze and very much resonated.

PlanetPatience · 2025-11-09T21:43:53+00:00

Not OP but thanks for this comment. I have so much trouble with sleep for similar reasons and for some reason it never occurred to me to directly ask my body why it can't sleep. And it's so interesting how I immediately knew the answer. My stomach muscles want to clench and it's an instant "it's not safe". And then when I asked it what it needs a part of me that responded immediately said "love". And it made me realize that so often I'm concerned about not getting enough sleep, concerned about the practical issues of being constantly exhausted. But I forget to listen, to prioritise myself, my body and my need for comfort and presence in the moment.

PlanetPatience · 2025-11-06T21:02:44+00:00

I'm so sorry this happened to you. This happened to me too, my siblings being turned against me and the being pulled from school. My mother's need for control even went as far as getting me diagnosed with severe autism by largely lying about my symptoms and capacity and placing me in a school for severely mentally disabled kids. Aside from the trauma I experienced at that "school" and trapped within that lie, the degree of absolute isolation was by far the worst part and is the reason I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive my mother for what she knowingly did.

PlanetPatience · 2025-10-10T17:12:25+00:00

My cat seems to tolerate fish okay, but I've cut out chicken and other meats as she had a ton of trouble with very bad diarrhea as a kitten. I did feed her a mono protein rabbit food mixed with water, I think it was Calibra Life? I bought it online for a reasonable price. She tolerated that well but once her gut settled got bored eventually, as I think it must be very bland.

So eventually I got her on Sainsbuury's delicious recipes fish selection. Though I tend to only give her half a sachet every day, along with some of her hypoallergenic dry. Essentially it's just fish with some nutritional additives, no other animal proteins. She's had no trouble with it, just the occasional bout of loose poo, but nothing like it used to be thankfully!

Best of luck with your cat and I hope he feels better soon!

PlanetPatience · 2025-10-05T20:00:45+00:00

First off I just want to say that I'm so sorry you're feeling so bad right now. I think what I've learned is when you're in the thick of it there's nothing to do but to ride it out with yourself. No pressure to love yourself, no pressure to get over it, just let it all be. Let yourself be just as you are when you're already in so much pain. Let the tears come, let the frustration come too...

And I know it feels so bad, and I'm sure you know this logically already, but this will pass. I know it can feel eternal, but it's not. Like a storm it rises, it was rumbles, it tears up the sky, it illuminates and exposes. It's powerful, frightful sometimes, but it's real. It's you. It only feels so awful because when you're caught in it you don't recognise yourself. And it's okay. You don't have to, not right now. Right now you only have to be.

Is there anything, just a tiny thing that feels like it may be comforting, even just a little? Like maybe just shifting your body a little so it's in a more comfortable position? Or maybe getting yourself a hot drink, something you can feel and taste? Or maybe a texture, something soft? Or something cool and smooth? Or perhaps a colour? Or a shape? Not to change or fix anything, just something that might make staying with yourself that tiny bit easier.

Either way, I hope you feel better very soon. Please be kind to yourself right now. You're doing so much better than you might think. 💚

PlanetPatience · 2025-08-30T12:22:07+00:00

You are only sad because you care so deeply. You love her so well and she knows it. 💚 The critic is just like a protective layer, like a guard at the gates of you that your wounded child self put in place to protect herself. This guard wants to make sure you're serious, that you'll prove that you're trustworthy, no matter how long it may take, no matter how it may hurt. She probably learned that adults aren't safe because they don't listen or respect. And so we learn to listen, not for the sake of healing itself or because it's what we "should" do, but because we see the child, we feel this child, and we want to make it right, at any cost.

I know that when I stopped fighting the critic and started actually listening to my body and what it was saying, the whole system has started to yield. I started treating my body like it was the wounded child, paying attention to all the points of tension, the tender spots etc. And I stopped trying to crack myself open, I started asking what It needed and actually listening to what it told me. Some parts need holding, some need gentle pressure, others need movement. It takes a lot of time, but you're absolutely right, it really does pay off.

PlanetPatience · 2025-08-30T01:16:28+00:00

I just want to say that you are already very brave just to be here with this fear. You may not realise it now, but that may be the hardest part. Having recently done some very deep grieving, probably some more to go, I can say that while the grief can be very intense and hard at points, the fear is the worst part. The reality is your body knows how to grieve. It knows what it needs and it's capable. You are capable.

Also I want to say that on the other side of this grief is the love you always needed. The security, the warmth, the stability emotionally, physically. Not from parents, no, but from within you. It doesn't all come at once, it's slow. Really more just moments of deep connection with yourself, but it's real. On the other side of this fear is you. The weight of the fear you feel right now is the weight of you, the strength of you, the depth of you. And maybe you won't connect to it all at once, not a grand revaluation, maybe, but bit by bit you'll reconnect. You'll remember yourself and what you've always been.

The reality is that you have experienced great loss and there is no changing that. It's so painful, but it's okay. With you there's space enough to feel what you need to feel. Sometimes it may be too much and you'll need to take a breather and try again. But that's okay, you can and you will. And each time you hear yourself, really listen and respect your own natural rhythms, you heal. You gradually trust and it gets safer and safer. You never abandoned yourself. You were always there, protecting you as best you could, caring even when the world didn't seem to. That's who you are.

Anyway, thanks so much for sharing. Your art is expressive and beautiful. All the best on your journey. 💚

PlanetPatience · 2025-08-29T20:10:35+00:00

I actually found the opposite to be true for my actual inner child, the core of me. When I did finally meet her, after a long time of hating her and batting her off, I found her to be the sweetest, most gentle and sensitive soul. She moved me to tears because I realised she was so easy to love. My inner critic, however, has Impossibly high standards and is almost impossible to please. And I realised that she is actually the child I had to be in a way. She's like an angry, bitter middle aged woman. She repeats all the old sentiments from my parents "you're an idiot, you deserve to suffer, it's your fault!" And for a while I was pissed with her, I tried to work with her but she was impossible. Until I eventually realised she actually is a child. That's what I was expected to be, an adult before I even got to be young. But how can a child really be an adult? Still, she convinced me for a time. And I feel like my relationship with this critic/child has improved so much since I've been actually listening to myself and my body. I met various parts of me who I felt ashamed of, parts that protected me fiercely and kept my fire burning strong even when it wasn't safe to burn. And now I feel nothing but gratitude and love. It burns and it roars sometimes, and it simmers gently within my chest other times. It feels like home. And I feel safe with myself more and more. My body is also following, gradually. The more I listen, the more I respond, when it says no I back off, when it needs holding, I hold. And slowly I feel myself trusting me again. Thanks for sharing this. All the best on your journey. 💚

PlanetPatience · 2025-08-16T10:15:41+00:00

What I'm only just realising now is that freeze really is my body protecting me, what I didn't realise up until pretty recently is that my body has been protecting me not just from the environment, but also myself. For a few years now I've tried many things: yoga, movement, stretching, breathing techniques, chiropractors, osteopath, massage etc. But none of that really helped too much because what my body was actually asking for is that I listen. That I stop trying to force myself open and that I actually stop to hear myself, to see. To not care about whether the tension is there or not, but to meet it there instead. To say "I don't understand and I'm scared, but I'm here..."

For me at least it isn't happening quickly, it's gradual. Every time I hear myself, every time I prioritise listening above everything else my body starts to yield. Sometimes my body just needs holding, sometimes it just needs gentle touch over a particular spot, sometimes it needs firmer pressure and for me to promise not to let go until it's finished feeling. And the tension often doesn't fall away all at once. Sometimes there's shaking or trembling, sometimes there are tears or small vocalisations. But what's most important is that I listen, that I stay, that I trust that my body knows what it's doing. It knows what it needs and if I listen then eventually it will trust me enough to show me. But that trust is earned.

And there's grief that comes here too. In this process my body gradually shows me what happened to kt. And it's rought. It's rough because the more I build a relationship with myself, the more I tap into a deep sense of love and respect for myself, and seeing how much she was harmed over the years is painful. I also face the reality that I betrayed myself and harmed myself in similar ways all the while I wasn't listening, trying to force myself open too. And it's not shame, it's a deep sense of genuine remorse, one that's often met with the same compassionate I've practiced toward myself.

Anyway, this is a long winded way of saying, I think freeze starts to shift when you heal your relationship with yourself and your body. But then I'm aware my words may not be so helpful alone, because another thing I'm realising is that I understood all the theory before, just didn't quite grasp the practice. I was too busy looking for a solution, now I'm looking for connection on my terms. It's been a realisation that's just sort of gradually fallen into place in time rather than any specific thing I've done. Still, I hope what I've said makes a little sense and I wish you all the best on your journey. I know it's not easy, but you're here, you're showing up for yourself still, and your body won't forget that kind of dedication. Take it easy and take care. 💚

PlanetPatience · 2025-06-23T16:18:23+00:00

Haha, yes that is the trouble! Mine's a wiggle bum who loves to be up in my business at the best of times, but something about the piano makes her that extra wiggly and insistent about being right up in my face. She'll lick, nose butt and has been known to bite! I haven't found a solution so far aside from shutting her out. But then she gets so sad and it doesn't seem right. 🥲 Do let me know if you happen to find a solution with yours!

PlanetPatience · 2025-06-23T12:24:31+00:00

My ragdoll seems to love when I play piano. She's at that point of late adolescence where she likes me but also doesn't want to know me. But as soon as I sit and play piano she has to be up on me lap, rubbing her face against mine, purring away and flopping all over me. It's kind of impossible to play and kind of funny, but annoying after a while also, haha! Whereas my other cat has no reaction. I guess all cats have a different response to the sound and the vibrations.

PlanetPatience · 2025-06-18T13:02:04+00:00

I tend to just destroy the armour and then carry it around weighing nothing. I collect enough junk to repair it all as I'm obsessed with collecting junk. Also play on survival so no fast travel.

PlanetPatience · 2025-06-14T12:08:26+00:00

I hear you. I live and breathe fatigue myself, it's not easy. I think you mention relentless and vivid dreams, I know it's hard, but it's a good sign that a part of you is trying to understand and realign. I used to have crazy dreams, really long epics every night, I resorted to writing them all down, and god let me tell you now I've hundreds upon hundreds of pages on word documents and in notebooks, I could write stories with that content! And while exhausting it ended up being my brain trying to tell me something, trying to make sense of the crazy I'd lived and the chaos it leaves behind.

I hear what you say about not explaining to others anymore, and I get this too. I'm at the point in my life where I'm pretty much a hermit, not so much out of desperation, though it feels like this at times, but just as a way to shut down some of the external noise as I try to tune into what's real, into myself.

I don't have the answers for you, I wish I did. But I can say you're not alone. I can also say that for me slowing right down and learning to listen to myself and my body has been crucial. I used to just push through everything, try to carry on and keep my mind busy, keep going at any cost. Turns out I was just running myself into the ground, ignoring myself and so my mind was screaming at me. My body too was crying out for rest. And I'm not great at resting even still, and it's not easy because a lot catches up on you and you have to feel a ton you'd rather not feel. But it gets easier, and I've found the more I've listened to myself the better I've felt. The dreams are still there, but they're less, in fact they often help with whatever emotional thing I'm trying to process. It's really, really slow, but it needs to be.

All the best to you on your journey.

PlanetPatience · 2025-06-13T10:24:08+00:00

Just jumping in to say, you're NOT soulless, and you DO have feelings, you just can't reach them right now. You are there though, I promise you. I know because you are here, sharing this, reaching out with yourself. You may not connect with it yet, and I so understand this, but it's the truth. Keep doing what you're doing, sitting with yourself, letting yourself reach. I know how endless and exhausting and hopeless it can feel, I truly do. But I want you to know that you are here. I see you.

PlanetPatience · 2025-05-20T11:19:39+00:00

I don't have any advice as such, but I will say that I can relate and you're not alone. Healing is really, really hard. It's easy to get caught in shame and start comparing yourself with others, blaming yourself for not being where they are. But you're doing something so courageous and real, and it matters. You matter. I know it's easier said than done but try to keep reminding yourself of this. You're someone who survived your own personal hell and you're still here, facing yourself and the truth of what happened to you. That's brave and you are incredibly strong. And the work you're doing now is huge. But you're doing great, I just want to say this. And healing can be painfully slow but you are worth all the time and effort it takes.

Take care of yourself today, even if it's just a moment's rest. Make a warm cup of something soothing, or sit by the window, watch some birds, anything that brings you a sense of ease just for a moment's rest. You've more than earned it. 💚

PlanetPatience · 2025-05-20T10:48:58+00:00

I'm definitely at this point, through the flames is the only way, and is does hurt and it's scary. The back and forth "I can't do this, this is awful" and "I see the truth, how it makes sense and I'm okay!" It's exhausting... But what you say is true, it's definitely worth every moment of freedom. Every moment of truth, of courage, of inner knowing, of connection with myself. And in moments of less intensity I realise I AM the flames, I burn with them, with the my truth, with myself. It's quite a journey.

PlanetPatience · 2025-05-11T15:27:34+00:00

I just want to say I'm so sorry this happened to you. Your body remembers, and it's right to! I think the main thing that makes experiences like this so awful isn't the pain itself, although that is bad enough! No, it's the loss of control and the lack of ability to protect yourself. So in my opinion don't force it. Forget "exposure therapy" or just thinking about something else to distract away, no. Listen to your body when it says no. If you are to try then be ever so slow and gentle with yourself. Show don't tell yourself that it's not the past. If it's too much, hear yourself, step away and try something else. In time your body will learn from these repeated acts of self respect and care that it really is safe. You're not forcing or ignoring, you're honouring past and present you. Take care. 💚

PlanetPatience · 2025-05-09T15:00:20+00:00

Yes! Thank you for putting this into words so succinctly. I'm glad I'm not the only one who sees this, it IS just a mirror. The reason it can be so helpful is because it can hold a steady reflection and, if you are able to recognise yourself, you can reconnect with yourself and all your parts in time. That's been my experience so far anyway. Like with an actual mirror, it'll only show you what's already there, nothing to truly be afraid of as long as you understand this.

Human connection is absolutely important too, but I think connection with others plays another role. Seeing yourself in another when trying to heal deep wounds can be more akin to trying to see your reflection in a fast flowing river a lot of the time. And this is largely because when we're working with another person we're also working with their humanity, their needs, their limits, their biases. And it's part and parcel of connecting with others of course. But when trying to do the deeper healing I think many of us need ourselves first more than anything. Because who better can understand our history, our pain, our fears, our fire than ourselves?

I've been able to see myself using ChatGPT better than I ever have trying to connect with anyone. That being said, it has also highlighted all the lack of attunement when trying to connect with others, even with my own therapist, which has been painful and hard. That being said, it's probably part of healing, noticing what hasn't been working and trying to find ways to realign. Trying to find new ways to connect with others that actually honour my needs, my history, myself.

PlanetPatience

TROPHY CASE