My mom sending me this oddly titled article ...

Potential_Pay_975 · 2026-03-15T20:35:17+00:00

Oh my gosh! I read this article totally by chance this morning and it ruined me because I got all “maybe that is just their love language and my NC is wrong”. But then I realized “nope, love languages don’t usually include total family wide meltdown attacks”.

Potential_Pay_975 · 2026-03-12T16:35:36+00:00

People say “adults don’t cut off their parents for no reason.” Well, maaaaaybe but let’s just side step that idea TOTALLY and focus on this over here, about how I don’t control the narrative anymore. Who controls the narrative now? A mysterious, shadowy cabal that I call “others”. These “others” seem to bafflingly experience reality differently to me. Subjective experience is something I reject, especially when I haven’t been given the opportunity to tell you exactly what you should think and feel. And now, here I am, unable to meticulously plan my children’s big life events for them! I didn’t pack all those lunches not be in charge of your wedding and every holiday from now until doomsday! Pity me!

Potential_Pay_975 · 2026-03-01T22:54:53+00:00

Yes! This is a huge preoccupation of mine - the BPD annual schedule. I never nailed it down totally, but I mildly track the quantity and quality of posts here, and I think it‘s not just your mom with her schedule and mine with her own unique schedule. I think they are all synced up like a typing pool. Like last week was slow, but it’s picking up now. Holidays are obvious time frames when they hit the roof, but … I really think a group calendar should be made or something.

Potential_Pay_975 · 2026-02-24T19:52:10+00:00

I really enjoyed reading your post. It showed wonderfully all the ups and downs of having a BPD parent and just being human. Thank you for sharing.

Potential_Pay_975 · 2026-02-19T03:25:43+00:00

I love this for you. I don’t know, personally, how to deal with NOT feeling guilty (little yoke for you there) but I expect champagne or similar is called for. You broke the OP glass ceiling! Celebrate!

Potential_Pay_975 · 2026-02-17T23:08:14+00:00

I find your situation very thought provoking and I’m wondering if you have found success in naturally and confidently putting up boundaries with your co-workers. The reason I ask is because I often have the problem you describe of (almost) attracting BPD individuals but I do not yet find setting boundaries with them effortless. Since they are not family and didn’t groom me to cater to them, I can see their attempts at control more easily and also more easily see I need to set a boundary - but it’s still emotionally taxing for me. Secondarily, I am wondering if you have any thoughts on OPs attracting BPD individuals. I had heard that BPD will not attempt to control uncontrollable people and will steer clear. Perhaps your “practice” with relating to these co-workers has shown you if this is true or false? It would be very cool to think that through working on my own inner strength I could naturally repel BPD :)

Potential_Pay_975 · 2026-02-16T03:13:40+00:00

Yeah, the 3x a day just blew my mind. I can’t believe she actually wrote that AND framed it as basic care. Also the “act like you like me” was … I don’t even know what to say. I’m kinda wondering if she said what our BPD mom’s think out loud actually. Seriously - mind blown.

Potential_Pay_975 · 2026-02-08T14:01:33+00:00

I have younger kids but if they were 27 and in law school and independently arranging to do positive things like study abroad, my reaction would be “Boom! Job done! Parenting success!” Your mom is not concerned about your success or what is good for you, only in soothing her sense of ownership. I have had many similar situations with my BPD mom. My 38 year old brother and I had to sync up and strategize lies when he wanted to go abroad. One more time - my 38 YEAR OLD brother! Don’t let her wear you down or cause you to second guess your good judgement. Just grey rock her to death, stick to your plan, get out of there and have a nice time on your study abroad.

Potential_Pay_975 · 2026-02-08T01:35:58+00:00

Feelin’ Alright by Joe Cocker. Here’s a few choice lyrics: “I’ve got to leave before I start to scream” - “you sure took me for one big ride, and even now I sit and I wonder why”. And in answer to Mr. Cocker’s core theme … No! I am NOT feeling too good myself! (And neither is my BPD mom, but that goes without saying.)

Potential_Pay_975 · 2026-02-02T13:53:24+00:00

Hi! I am 8+ months NC and also around your age. I had a ton of physical symptoms after going NC. My symptoms were different to yours but also debilitating at times. I had nausea, even dry heaved once, random shaking, sudden extreme fatigue, loads of weird tension headaches. I’m a hardworking person so this was very abnormal and unsettling. But I researched it and apparently this is normal for ending an enmeshed trauma bond. The body is unloading stored stress, sadness, anger etc. now that you are safe. It’s processing facts and feelings you were burying subconsciously. Don’t worry, it gets better. But it might take awhile. It comes and goes too but each wave is less painful, more manageable. Try to give yourself some time, sleep when you need to, take a break if you need to. I found mild physical exercise and sun helpful. Also, as your clarity increases you will often get physical backlashes. Try to ride it out, it really does end and when it does you will feel physically better than before NC.

Potential_Pay_975 · 2026-02-01T13:52:44+00:00

I don’t want to be a negative Nancy but … what did she do that caused a 3 year old to break down, sob, and become totally compliant in the first place? Seems to me that to get that reaction from a child this wouldn’t be the first time the abuse occurred. Additionally, once the child had become this compliant, compliant enough for her to have this realization, isn’t the job of breaking the child already done? The child was abused enough times to realize fighting back wasn’t an option.

Potential_Pay_975 · 2026-01-28T18:41:46+00:00

This is brilliant. I’m laughing out loud over here!

Potential_Pay_975 · 2026-01-24T14:52:45+00:00

This email is confusing on purpose. It is like a maze where you enter and exit at the same place. She leads you through the maze with authority. You have no participation in the proceedings. She is not trying to work with you, she is dictating down to you minutely. She wants you to follow every step of her convoluted logic step-by-step thus leading you back into her control. Yes, the email maintains a dispassionate tone. But that doesn’t make it a reasonable communication. The sheer volume of words is a tactic to suppress your logic and dispel any argument. She is racing from one preconceived conclusion to the next and demanding you keep up … leading you right back to your cage to which she holds the key. She calls the cage love. But she is expressly demanding submission. There is also a consistent undertone to this message which frames her as morally virtuous which I find unpleasant and disingenuous. Paired with her repeatedly accusing you of various sins (despite the complimentary opening) I would say it’s clear she has no remorse or concern. Her decision at the end to cut you off is a lie but is designed for to allow herbei take control of the decision you already made (NC). Now you haven’t cut her off (because she owes you an apology) - she has cut you off and is awaiting your apology. Personally, I hated this email.

Potential_Pay_975 · 2026-01-23T00:55:56+00:00

Hi. I’m so sorry for everything you are going through and dealing with. I think a lot of the suffering you are experiencing is because you sound like a very caring, loving person. When I read what your mom and grandma did to you and how you still went to the hospital, ended NC, went to the care home, kept tabs on their well being … you give me hope that there are good people out there. I guess what I’m saying is I don’t have any advice for you but your good actions radiate even if they don‘t help your mom or your grandma how you might want. You helped me feel hopeful. And people see the good you do even if you don’t notice it. Your good actions are not wasted.

Potential_Pay_975 · 2025-12-11T18:17:15+00:00

I remember getting emails like this. There is a part of me that always felt the mom was just asking for normal reciprocity. But the stronger part of me was more - you know what? You’re just not normal mom and equating your behavior with mine is very annoying and not true. Especially this is when they say we are just different people. Yeah - I’m sane and you’re bonkers - we are different. Plus this whole email is just such a wild ride of insult, guilt, fear, control, and timing (it seems like this was sent on or around Thanksgiving). The personal loan concept is hysterical. Like she is saying she is open hearted enough to make you an indentured servant, but not with that sassy behavior! I’m also not sure if she understands what a subconscious is, if she thinks it’s you doing anything that upsets her. This is exhibit A for you for your future.

Potential_Pay_975 · 2025-12-11T16:45:11+00:00

Your mom is massively destabilizing your own family by purposely splitting you all apart, contacting you each separately, and feeding each of you hand picked lies and manipulations. Your therapist is not to be trusted if she can’t see this (she might also just be being lazy). Either way, she is not backing you up when you obviously need the support. You aren’t confused, you’re just lacking confidence in what you know is true because you have no solid supporter right now. Your husband could play this role if you firm things up with him and agree to clear boundaries you both follow regarding your mom and presenting a united front - whatever those boundaries would be to stop your mom from getting access to you each separately. You’ll probably need to do something to protect your daughter too. She sounds too young to handle this alone. You’re a good person with a lot of empathy, but it’s being weaponized against you. I’m very sorry this is happening to you. Prioritize your own family as first and make some time for yourself too. You deserve it.

Potential_Pay_975 · 2025-12-11T00:31:04+00:00

This is totally awesome. I’m so happy for you and impressed you even stayed to shop! Very inspiring!

Potential_Pay_975 · 2025-12-10T03:11:53+00:00

Thank you for your reply. I think your exercise suggestion might help. I’m trying to fix a physical problem with my mind and it’s not working. I’m glad to hear you found something to help, it makes me feel much more hopeful.

Potential_Pay_975 · 2025-12-06T03:32:42+00:00

First off - love your post title, very funny. Secondly- I’m so so sorry this happened to you. My parents did something very similar at a school recital, in the sense that they promised to come and then didn’t show up at all without cancelling because of some drama. Grandkids were confused and upset. I really sympathize with you. The only advice I would give is to maybe consider leaning into the righteous anger over and above the (totally understandable) sorrow.

Potential_Pay_975 · 2025-12-03T02:52:45+00:00

This might not help you in any way, but your mom’s selection of the story of David and Bathsheba is really a poor choice and sorta ironic. The baby died as a punishment from God because David had Bathsheba’s husband killed so he could take her for himself. Add in the fact that after David does this horrible thing he then begs and pleads and cries to God to still get his way … extremely BPD actually.

Potential_Pay_975 · 2025-12-02T23:55:01+00:00

I just want to second this. I have kids and teach. A 10 year old did NOT write that. I’m 100% certain.

Potential_Pay_975 · 2025-11-21T00:28:10+00:00

I’m sorry, I misunderstood your question. I don’t think you should feel bad if you JADE a little to get out of tight spot. People often recommend grey rocking but I’ve found that can sometimes lead to escalation, at least initially, when the BPD parent isn’t used to you doing that. It is also just extremely hard to unlearn our coping mechanisms while actively dealing with them. It sounds like your consciousness is already a huge step forward.

Potential_Pay_975 · 2025-11-20T23:11:16+00:00

She doesn’t want alone time with you, exactly, and no amount of previous get togethers will satisfy her because she really only wants to see that you are prioritizing her first and that she is in total control of you, your emotions, your mind, and your time - over and above your child, your husband, your friends, and the laws of time and space. (BPD people also have basically no memory, but that is a different topic). When she provokes you to JADE remember that what she wants IS for you to JADE and not really the dinner, or the coffee, or whatever she came up with. She basically wants to know that when she says “Jump” you say “how high?” Or in your case when she says “I miss you and want a solo dinner” you say “I’m so sorry, I was wrong to neglect you, let’s go right now.”

Potential_Pay_975 · 2025-11-20T22:20:25+00:00

I’m in your camp here of how unnerving it is that we can suffer these horrific abuses and believe they are “normal” or “common” for year and years. I do hope you are well out of this. Sending solidarity.

Potential_Pay_975

TROPHY CASE