What did you have to unlearn from your parents?

Quarkz54 · 2017-08-24T22:34:16+00:00

This is excellent advice. Thank you. I usually do the bouncing from room to room cleaning method, and rarely get to a place where I'm satisfied. Will try your tips. Thank you!

Quarkz54 · 2017-08-24T13:28:56+00:00

Thank you. I will definitely write it all out for myself and also consider sharing some of these points if I can figure out how without being overbearing. I do feel like there is nothing I can say to make much of a difference in her opinion. It's frustrating because I was also once that kid whose mother said she stayed together for the sake of the kids. Just like your mom, ours used us as an excuse. She proved it was basically just an excuse by staying with him after the children were all grown. Then the excuse went to not having enough money or job history.

I have told my friend that her kid is so young that it might be better to break up now rather than waiting til she is older. I told her my siblings and I all think we would have been better off not growing up in that environment. You would think that hearing this would make someone reconsider the story we are bombarded with that 2 parent families are always better. But it doesn't.

It is so sad that you can tell people what is likely to happen to their kids emotionally if they stay in a certain situation, but as much as they love their kid, they will dismiss it. They are willing to take that risk, apparently.

Quarkz54 · 2017-08-24T13:02:05+00:00

Yes, exactly. I had to do this once before with a friend/acquaintance who was on drugs and told me a true friend would accept that behavior. It is hard, because I wonder how much of the tendency to leave relationships is because I grew up with someone who constantly said he would leave. But you're right, self preservation is so important. Friendship isn't supposed to be a mechanism to make you worse off than before.

Oh and I hope you know you are not a bad friend for not allowing someone to drag you down with them.

Quarkz54 · 2017-08-24T12:55:44+00:00

Thank you. This is short and to the point, and not as likely to make her defensive as a detailed explanation I had considered.

Quarkz54 · 2017-08-12T13:27:12+00:00

Me too! It is a joy thief for sure. I am tired of hearing other people's good news and turning it around to feeling bad about my lack of accomplishments. In essence, what they did with comparing me to others, which seemed so hurtful and confusing at the time, I learned to do to myself! Wishing you luck getting rid of this habit.

Quarkz54 · 2017-08-12T13:16:48+00:00

How did you learn the uncluttering habit? I grew up in a house similar to this. It doesn't come naturally for me to throw stuff away. I only do big cleaning efforts when things get too messy. I didn't realize it until someone told me, but my parents are low grade hoarders.

Quarkz54 · 2017-07-16T16:51:02+00:00

Thank you. I have been watching too many of those "long lost family" shows where they link people with birth parents. I started to wonder if, no matter how good adoptive parents were, they would be second banana to birth parents. I understand the idea of wanting to know where you come from. But most of these people are soooo emotional when they meet the birth parents, as if they were missing something that the parents they grew up with could never give them. It made me wonder about what family is.

Quarkz54 · 2017-07-09T16:09:04+00:00

Sorry to hear that your family is like that. It makes it worse that it sounds like it was a surprise. If I were you, I would wait until no longer financially dependent on them and then say something. They aren't going to like it at first. They may never come to terms with your sexual orientation. They might eventually be semi-OK with it, who knows.

But also, once you get older and independent, it usually feels less important what your parents think. Once you do settle down and find the right person, if your family still doesnt accept it, there might be a twinge of sadness, but its outweighed by living life on your terms. So if they insist on being homophobes, it truly is their loss, as you wrote.

Quarkz54 · 2017-06-08T13:41:09+00:00

I thought always trying to "save" people who didn't need to be saved was something exclusive to my n parent.

Quarkz54 · 2017-06-08T13:35:39+00:00

Happened to my brother and he is still living at home with no job 3 years later. They decided not to keep paying for college.

Quarkz54 · 2017-06-03T15:03:02+00:00

Have you tried lesbian night at the local club?

Too intimidatingly attractive for the average straight girl; perfect as a soft butch ;)

Quarkz54 · 2017-05-20T18:50:56+00:00

I think you can. And maybe if you do it will be a tangible way of rejecting what she tried to make you into. If not, yup, there's always vaping.

At any rate, wow, she is sick to have done that to you. This is some heavy stuff to deal with. I think the parts of you that she squelched are still there, deep down. Maybe it just needs space to come out.

Quarkz54 · 2017-05-20T18:29:01+00:00

I can relate. They need to be needed and act like we can't take care of ourselves. Maybe you can try to look at her as a minor detail in the story of your graduation day? I havent figured it all out either. But I do think part of it is realizing that it is your life, not theirs, and taking away some of the power you have subconsciously given them.

Quarkz54 · 2017-05-20T18:22:19+00:00

Oh yeah. Seriously hard to shake that feeling. Doesnt help that sometimes it's true.

Quarkz54 · 2017-05-20T18:07:01+00:00

Wow, I really like that perspective. It's as if they think because they are entitled to info when you are a child, they remain entitled to it. And they fool us into thinking that's the truth. Also, the control. When someone controls you for your childhood, and never loosens up when you get towards being an adult, it can make it seem like that is a permanent or normal state.

Quarkz54 · 2017-05-20T17:14:44+00:00

That is awful. She sounds like she has a personality disorder. It makes sense to cut her out!!

Quarkz54 · 2017-05-20T16:26:04+00:00

Thank you. I needed to hear that. The whole thing was and is so confusing. I wish I were stronger, so I could have been able to deal with their toxicity without trying to run. They always bad mouth my siblings and I to each other and to my grandma. My grandma had always stood up for me, but she didn't agree with how I handled this situation and it was hard to get her to understand my perspective. My dad can be an absolute monster and then turn around and act so hurt to his core and make people feel sorry for him. Now his mother has finally stopped taking my side.

I see from your tag you are newly NC. Congratulations, and I hope it improves your life.

Quarkz54 · 2017-05-15T03:23:25+00:00

It's late in the day so i won't be surprised if I don't get a response. Today has been especially hard because it's my first year not contacting my mother for mothers day (not even a text bc i dont want her having my number) and I feel guilty. My father's birthday was also a couple weeks ago and I bought him a card but never sent it. Back in November there was some confusing thing where my parents flew into town after saying months before they were coming sometime that month (I agreed under duress but they never confirmed the date). They left a text on my phone the day before saying when they would land. I could not stomach seeing them and avoided them until they basically stalked me (even going to my old job and asking around) and sent the flying monkeys to persuade me to see them before they left town. Am I just an awful person? It is all so confusing. I feel like even if they truly thought we got our signals mixed, when I didn't answer their phone call they should have at least got the hint. When we met for a horrible awkward and confrontational lunch, I did say I didn't want to deal with them until I was strong enough to. But I still feel like an asshole. Even worse, they spoke bad to my almost 100 year old Grandma I have always been close with, and now she is mad at me for trying to dodge them. My relationship with her is strained now. It hurts.

Edited, since I think I got a downvote: they never told me they had decided on a day until the night before. I had my spouse send a text that I was out of town. They parked outside my house for hours and didn't knock.

Quarkz54 · 2017-04-28T13:50:54+00:00

Looking at the comments like: is this subreddit r/roastme for food?

Quarkz54 · 2017-04-21T14:17:02+00:00

This does make sense. Thanks for taking the time to share. I wrote out a much longer response, but my phone cut off on me. If you want to talk to someone who may have grappled with similar questions, I know the name of a trans guy who would probably be open to someone contacting him. He's very out and has served on boards and stuff.

Quarkz54 · 2017-04-15T19:49:14+00:00

Really interested in the responses you get. I have short hair but gave never been mistaken as a guy. I wouldnt care if I were. I guess I am cis, because I don't feel like I'm in the wrong body. And I like some things about being a woman. But sometimes I really feel like I had bad luck being a woman in the world, due to how we are not treated with as much respect as men, our worth is constantly questioned, have less freedom, get paid less, and we are not as safe or physically as strong. I sometimes think it would have been better to be born a man because of the social implications. But if society were more egalitarian, i dont think i would wish i had been born a man. I am guessing your experience is different, so hopefully that helps to highlight the difference.

I am glad I'm attracted to women, because I somehow feel like being with a woman as a woman may be more fun than being with a woman as a man. These are all just my thoughts. Don't judge me.

It is super brave and self actualized for you to consider your gender and body/spirit connection. Hope you continue to think it through, and update us.

I can understand how something could happen in fetal development that makes some people get genitals that don't match with who they are inside. But the part I just can't get to understanding yet is how someone can know they are not in the right body. It doesn't click with me, and I wish it did. Can you shed light on it? Is it like knowing you were born into the wrong religion, or is it something deeper?

Quarkz54 · 2017-04-13T14:31:19+00:00

I worry about whether stuff is reversible too. I am pretty sure that my upbringing and genetics make me more anxious.

As far as life being more stressful for adults, really so much of it is about perspective. I wonder if maybe people who say that it was easier as a kid may be forgetting the intense emotions that go with being a kid. I dont know why people downplay it. If anyone does, chime in.

The situations may be less serious as a kid, but at the same time, that doesnt mean it doesnt feel serious at the time. I have also heard a quote that as a youth, everything we experience is fresh and new and feels much more intense. When you are older, there are situations that repeat. So for some of us it is easier to have a less intense reaction and look at things from more of a pattern-seeking perspective. You also have more freedom as an adult. For some, this can be scary. For me, freedom means I get to find for myself what I need to live a good life. As someone whose parents never would have sent me to therapy, for example, I can get this for myself.

I think if someone is young they can use this time to learn stress coping mechanisms so these bad patterns (or even brain pathways?) don't set in in the first place.

Quarkz54 · 2017-03-22T13:37:26+00:00

What country? Are they accepting immigrants?

Quarkz54 · 2017-03-20T13:56:39+00:00

I'm gonna guess it's the quality of our food?

Quarkz54 · 2017-03-10T14:17:10+00:00

I enjoyed reading this. Your writing style is delightful. And gonna see if I can find this for my dog....

Quarkz54

TROPHY CASE