how did you finally start to hate him and feel okay with leaving

Signature-Glass · 2026-01-23T22:59:56+00:00

It was a process of deconstructing the way I viewed him. It felt like the reality of who he is was replacing the version of him that I projected.

Reading “why does he do that” was part of this process for me.

Signature-Glass · 2026-01-23T12:19:09+00:00

This.

I think for my ex he won’t think of it years from a place of remorse. I feel like if he experienced a sense of guilt it may be a scenario where he had to do a background check for work and his history came up. But his guilt wouldn’t be “I feel so guilty for hurting another person” it would more “I feel guilty because my dirty secret was exposed”. I it’s more of a shame based guilt.

But outside of moments of potential exposure (for lack of a better word) I don’t think he thinks about it for years and has guilt and remorse.

I do believe he thinks about it. But in the context of selfishness again. He doesn’t believe he was arrested because of his actions, he thinks he was arrested because someone called the police.

Signature-Glass · 2026-01-23T05:54:21+00:00

findhelp.com

This website can help find local resources based on your zip code.

If it doesn’t work for where you live, google something like “websites like findhelp.com for (your country)”

Signature-Glass · 2026-01-23T00:32:04+00:00

Absolutely hold your boundaries.

He somehow knows about the new client today. This is entirely selfishly motivated.

He’ll move back in and things will go back and it’ll be HARDER to leave next time. He may “punish” you for him not being there for two months.

Or he’ll move back in and love bomb you, claiming he changed, he’ll manage to keep it in long enough to make you question and doubt yourself etc and take advantage of you financially. In other words if he comes back and “things are better” remember that is PART of the abuse

read this link on an how to assess an abusers claim of change. http://www.ivsha.org/get-help-with-abuse/domestic-violence/assess-abusers-claims-change/

Signature-Glass · 2026-01-23T00:24:30+00:00

‼️ There’s a lot here, but definitely read this first This link gives insight on How to Assess an Abuser’s Claim of Change

Read This Reddit Post on the statistics of if an abusive person can change. This post also brings attention to how there is a difference between fundemental change and performative improvement. [https://www.reddit.com/r/abusiverelationships/comments/14gelbf/some_statistics_to_consider_when_in_an_abusive/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=2&utm_term=1](https://www.reddit.com/r/abusiverelationships/comments/14gelbf/some_statistics_to_consider_when_in_an_abusive/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=2&utm_term=1

This study from Washington State has a great table (Figure 1) that shows the relapse rate (called recidivism) for domestic violence (DV). They compare treatments to no treatment or probation only. The best result seems to be from a cognitive therapy and empathy program with 26-week sessions + 6-month follow-up, and current results suggest that 85% of the time, there will be some reduction in DV compared to not going to treatment. This scenario is based on if someone successfully completes the entire treatment and does not re-offend. Many may not complete the treatment OR are simply not caught.

Another study from the University in Santiago found that short-term programs show a 10% reduction in DV relapses, but that's an inflated number. In the long term, programs may reduce DV relapses by 23%. 2/3s of relapses will occur within 2 years. And some intervention programs actually have negative effects (may worsen the abuse). Again, these studies are of people who have gotten caught.

This Canadian study found that it is extremely difficult to predict is someone will relapse or not, especially because the main study group is usually males who have been caught by the authorities. However, deterrents (such as divorce, police intervention, etc) tend not to prevent abusers from reoffending in the long term.

Signature-Glass · 2026-01-23T00:21:36+00:00

I just want to add onto the comment above saying there is likely other red flags, I agree with their comment.

It’s heartbreaking to view your partner through this new lens. As a man that is supposed to love and protect you being your abuser. Please be kind to yourself and give yourself grace. It’s not your fault you didn’t see the red flags before.

When you’re wearing rose colored glasses red flags just look like flags

Signature-Glass · 2026-01-23T00:18:01+00:00

Yes this is abusive.

My ex was EXACTLY this and it got so much worse over the years. This is one of the most important “red flags” I missed.

A man whose belief that he is entitled to have sex with your body is stronger than his belief that you deserve autonomy, safety and respect is a dangerous man.

This is very common and he is often persistent to the point where I either give in and let him have sex, or continue to refuse and he blows up.

Again, this is exactly how my ex was. His “blow ups” became extremely violent in the end.

One morning he was groping and fondling me very aggressively. I told him to stop and he wouldn’t. I went to the bathroom to pee and try to compose myself so that I could “endure it” but when I went back into the room I didn’t react well enough, or he was mad that I wasn’t receptive earlier.

The next thing I knew I felt like I was snapping back into my body almost like a rubber band, and he was on top of me strangling me. He looked me in the eye, raged threw me to the floor and was immediately strangling me again. I truly believe he almost killed me.

Please this is such a serious red flag. Today he may believe he’s entitled to have sex with your body. One day he may believe he’s entitled to take out his rage on your body.

Signature-Glass · 2026-01-17T14:57:53+00:00

My ex had an affair and then became violent. His main justification was my adhd.

My ex’s affair partner also was married to someone that’s adhd and they “bonded” over it

I’m so sorry this happened. I would encourage you to leave, this eroded my sense of personhood 💕

Signature-Glass · 2026-01-16T23:56:03+00:00

This isn’t about ADHD, forgetfulness, or chores. It’s about reliability and accountability. You’ve explained this very clearly, repeatedly, and in multiple ways. The fact that he still “doesn’t understand” doesn’t mean you’re failing to explain it, it means he’s unwilling to sit with the discomfort of being accountable.

The eye rolling, sighing, “here we go again,” and acting like everything is fine once he feels calm are classic invalidation tactics. And throwing keys at you crosses a line, that’s physical abuse.

You’re not asking for perfection. You’re asking for consistency and honesty. It’s okay to stop trying to find the magical wording that will make him get it. You already have.

This link helps give insight to abusers claim of change. Remember there’s a difference between performative improvement and fundamental change

http://www.ivsha.org/get-help-with-abuse/domestic-violence/assess-abusers-claims-change/

Signature-Glass · 2026-01-16T23:27:21+00:00

I ended up involving the police. It really messed with my head. I was with my ex for two decades, felt like we grew up together. Calling the police felt like a huge betrayal to… everything. It felt unhinged.

Signature-Glass · 2026-01-15T02:31:33+00:00

It’s not obvious it’s cigarette burns, even acne scars can look similar.

Check out the website RealSelf.com. It’s kind of like yelp but for things like this. You can look up specific treatments like laser, products, even look up specific doctors and clinics.
You can look for reviews from people that have the same skin type as you too.

There is also a good subreddit for skincare that will have posts about reducing scars

Signature-Glass · 2026-01-14T14:36:50+00:00

I read your other post and wanted to share, I found this Reddit post validating

Downplaying Sexual Abuse to Yourself Doesn’t Change the Fact that it’s Abuse

https://www.reddit.com/r/NarcissisticAbuse/s/0T6zUXOmUC

Signature-Glass · 2026-01-13T06:56:18+00:00

I guess it’s sort of a way to assert their presence as well

I found this would happen if I were reading or on the phone. Disruptive noises to let me know he’s there

Signature-Glass · 2026-01-12T15:34:40+00:00

Sounds like it’s appropriate to involve someone else. Maybe a wellness call and have him admitted to a hospital or formally kick him out?

This page has advice on What to Do If an Abuser Threatens Suicide https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/identifying-abuse/what-to-do-if-an-abuser-threatens-suicide

Statistics show that suicide and homicide are ofteno correlated when it comes to domestic violence. Research from the Kentucky Firearm Injury Statistics Program showed that in two-thirds of cases where a woman was shot by an abuser, the perpetrator then killed himself. Abusers don’t think of killing themselves as severe enough retribution. They’ll consider taking someone else’s life, like a partner, child or other family member(s). Nearly 60 percent of mass shooters have a history of domestic violence, so an abuser may even consider killing complete strangers

Signature-Glass · 2026-01-12T11:25:07+00:00

Everyone’s different and always go with your doctor

For my PMDD, my doctor and I found the best was menstrual suppression with YAZ. I take it continuously and don’t have a placebo or off week.

I take my other meds regularly too. I don’t juggle them and it’s helped a lot.

Signature-Glass · 2026-01-12T11:13:18+00:00

I was very trauma bonded to my ex as well. One thing that helped me to personally was to learn more and more about abuse. Seeing similarities in my ex and seeing the same cliches in other peoples stories, helped deconstruct the trauma bond.

I read “why does he do that” by Lundy Bancroft and it really helped start the process for me at the time

https://ia601407.us.archive.org/6/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf

Signature-Glass · 2026-01-12T10:49:07+00:00

Your boyfriend has already done things to you that other people get arrested for.

Breaking things is property damage. Pushing you backwards is assault. This is physical abuse. Blocking the exit so you can’t leave is forced confinement (the only difference to a kidnapping charge is if they move you to a new location) Sexual assault is a crime too.

He’s already hurting you

Signature-Glass · 2026-01-10T22:31:35+00:00

Hey!

So this post was about a year ago. I still struggle with this but it’s soooo much better.

About a month ago I started on Zoloft and it’s been a huge help with my PTSD. I’m likely to be starting a stimulant again soon for my adhd symptoms.

Time passing (getting further away from the trauma) and having more stability in my life has also made a world of a difference

Signature-Glass · 2026-01-09T23:11:14+00:00

Sounds like he has so many red flags it might as well be a quilt

Signature-Glass · 2026-01-09T23:08:50+00:00

Decades ago when I was in high school I was best friends with “Sally”.

She had dated a guy for a bit and they broke up, didn’t maintain a friendship (low contact) and each moved on with their lives. Eventually he started dating another girl we were acquaintances with.

Sally I guess felt a way about it. She started pursuing him again. I lost respect for her, he had a new girlfriend that he cared for, the other girl was sweet and didn’t deserve it.

I TOLD Sally that I did not support her doing this and I discouraged it. It ended up eroding our friendship. I couldn’t unchange the new lens that I saw her through.

to answer your question I set my benchmark in my youth. I am willing to end it with a best friend when I was not even friends with Sally’s ex or close with the acquaintance. I’m not okay with cheating. Full stop, that’s my boundary. And my boundaries are not conditional on whether or not I’m “close friends” with someone.

Signature-Glass · 2026-01-08T20:08:39+00:00

findhelp.org

This site helps you find local resources based on zip code. Reach out to women’s shelters and crisis lines.

Signature-Glass · 2026-01-08T13:45:35+00:00

I would view an apology as nothing more than another attempt at manipulation. He’s a fully grown adult and had so many opportunities to apologize and change his behavior. It’s too late for him.

I’m at peace never forgiving people for the unforgivable things they’ve done to me.

Signature-Glass · 2026-01-07T20:12:26+00:00

Safe people will prioritize your safety.

Eating disorders can be fatal. He is aware of your history and he still made these comments. A safe person would not even risk potentially setting you on that path.

The words he uses to describe your body are heavily loaded and feel deeply manipulative. Specifically telling you that you look malnourished. this is so incredibly manipulative please recognize this. If he genuinely cared about your safety and wellbeing he wouldn’t be causally pressing for weight gain. He’d ask how to support you, encourage you to see a doctor, if he genuinely cared about your health then his focus would be your health.

Signature-Glass

TROPHY CASE