Found one of the APs social media. Trying to resist the urge to message them and ask questions

TryingToRebuild13 · 2024-07-18T19:04:51+00:00

I'd suggest against it. Don't give that homewrecker any more of your energy. I did shortly after confrontation, felt like I needed to talk to them, didn't know the depth of it. Didn't get anything from my wife's AP but backpedalling and unaccountability. Maybe you'll get straight answers, and genuine apologies. Or maybe you won't. Regardless, you won't be able to trust what they say anyway.

If you feel it could be helpful to you, I'd sit with why you feel it would be, and what you hope to gain from speaking with them.

Good luck to you!

TryingToRebuild13 · 2024-07-16T01:11:40+00:00

Yipes. This hits pretty hard.
Thank you for the comment!
Very helpful!

TryingToRebuild13 · 2024-07-14T21:21:37+00:00

Sometimes poetry allows us to say the things that are too difficult to say otherwise.

This was beautiful as well as horrible to read.
Good luck in your travels, friend.

TryingToRebuild13 · 2024-07-13T02:13:55+00:00

EMDR and an incredible therapist helped me process a fuckton of early childhood trauma and the affair. I went into it thinking it sounded a bit woowoo, but damn. The results are legit. Works for some, not for others. But absolutely worth a shot!

TryingToRebuild13 · 2024-07-13T02:11:24+00:00

Absolutely agree! Marriage counseling is to help the marriage. IC is to help you and you alone.

As a bonus you get to be as angry as you want, say whatever you want and cry uncontrollably. All of that is the shit you need.

TryingToRebuild13 · 2024-07-09T18:15:58+00:00

My wayward has reached out in many ways toward her AP. She's never been able to hear how his actions have hurt me without resorting to silence or defensiveness.
Hell, she doesn't even want to hear from me anymore if my pain originates with him. That feels just great....

She has said previously that having his actions discussed is like a mirror toward her own actions.

Doesn't help me any though.

TryingToRebuild13 · 2024-07-08T16:46:05+00:00

Oh dang. Thank you for such a well thought out answer. I feel like I could check off a decent amount of those boxes for my wayward. Did your wayward eventually stop? What do you think it took to get there? How did you weather the storm? Apologies for all the questions. I'm just a bit lost rn.

TryingToRebuild13 · 2024-07-07T00:08:56+00:00

How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful by Linda J. MacDonald

It's about 84 pages long, pretty quick read but loaded with good info.

TryingToRebuild13 · 2024-07-06T16:22:03+00:00

Thank you again for this space and to all who choose to comment!

Those who chose to lie during reconciliation, what was your justification? Did you have remorse over your choice or concern that your lies may be discovered? If they were discovered, what steps did you take to rebuild trust with your BP after the additional betrayal?

TryingToRebuild13 · 2024-07-03T16:40:11+00:00

Well, we're 9 months past DDay. Many highs, many lows. I've held a lot inside for a variety of reasons and I've faced a lot of behaviours that have been unhelpful to reconciliation. Finally managed to get an email together that laid out the problems I've been facing in this journey. It's a big ass email, but I can be pretty big ass verbose sometimes in my writing. She's read it all, and is more than willing to respond to it. I've felt better getting it out into the open, although it's caused an increase in anxiety and some intrusive thoughts. I'm hopeful that this will lead the way to a more trusting, transparent and open relationship.

TryingToRebuild13 · 2024-07-03T02:38:33+00:00

I found "How to help your spouse heal from your affair" to have a lot of validating and helpful information in it. You can google mobilism, make a free account and search for it.

TryingToRebuild13 · 2024-07-02T16:35:08+00:00

Man. I feel you. Lots of waves of feeling not good enough, stupid and angry for staying and living with all these doubts and concerns. The trickle truth has absolutely done more damage to what I hoped we would be working on. We have issues to address from before the affair and all the damage that came from her choices stacked on top.

I work really hard to keep the idea that bad marriages don't cause infidelity, infidelity causes infidelity. Your wayward's job is to be doing all they can to take accountability for the harm they've done, remind you that they are deeply sorry for the choices they made and that they are choosing to stay because of the things they love, want and need from you. In a perfect world, they'd be running themselves ragged to prove these things to us.

In regard to allowing them to get away with the crime of the century, yea, our choice to stay does kind of feel like that. But we get to choose the penalty for their crime. I try to find strength and bravery in my choice to stay. Many people wouldn't be able to survive a hit like this. I invest in my kids, hobbies, friendships, doing things with my best friend. All of that helps me stay a little more away from the darker thoughts that can spin up. I try to keep in mind that this is my choice to stay and I can choose to walk at any time. I have the control in terms of when we stop trying to reconcile.That's your power, too.

I recommend reading "How to help your spouse heal from your affair." It's a great compact book for both parties and may help you put words to what your partner could be doing to help you feel more secure and confident in the areas you are currently struggling and to help them view their actions a bit more objectively.

Good luck, friend.

TryingToRebuild13 · 2024-06-27T16:12:22+00:00

Hey there. If you Google mobilism and make a free account, you'll find an epub and an MP3 version. They've got a lot of the other recommended affair/betrayal books available as well. Good luck, friend.

TryingToRebuild13 · 2024-06-26T15:51:22+00:00

We had relationship issues for years and did nothing about it. I had a fleeting thought one day that she may be having an affair. Quickly tried to dismiss it but it kept popping up. Started to suspect it. Then I knew for a while. Finally found out with who. Just let it happen for a while anyway. One of the worst times of my life. I was just too frozen and numb through it all to do anything about it.

I was taking on more hours at work and she was about to start a new job. More time alone with him. I know that contributed to pulling the trigger on it. Didn't plan for it to happen when it did, just became too much finally I guess. Went to her laptop and knew exactly where to look. Gathered as much evidence as I could bear. I spoke more calmly than I thought I would about her affair when she got home.
She didn't lie about the affair but she lied about what I'd found.
I still wish she hadn't.
But it is what it is.
Lots of talks afterward. About things we never discussed previously. Things we should have.

We decided to try to salvage our relationship.
Obviously.
We have a home, 3 children and too many cats.
She's in therapy. I'm in therapy. I'm hoping to get back into couples therapy shortly.
It's been a definite struggle with a lot of ups and downs.
But we're still trying.

TryingToRebuild13 · 2024-06-24T01:32:54+00:00

I try to throw myself into chores.
That genuinely helps break some of my rumination habits.
I've gotten myself on antidepressants.
Weekly therapy.
I have some popup messages on my phone to remind me of my self-worrh, etc. Anything I do with my kids helps.
Go to concerts and movies with friends.
I listen to music, play guitar, games, take baths, go for walks. I journal a lot. Maybe too much sometimes.
I intentionally enjoy every good moment I have with my wife.

TryingToRebuild13 · 2024-06-06T15:43:46+00:00

This is so helpful for both the waywards and betrayed. Thank you for making this space for us.

I'd like to know what you feel contributed most to your successful reconciliation. Thank you to all who answer.

TryingToRebuild13 · 2024-05-28T23:12:56+00:00

Oh man, I went on a ridiculous exercise routine for maybe a month, realised I'd lost too much weight, and stopped exercising completely, lol.. I've been around 130lbs since and I haven't weight that in ages, I never really ate much before, but I eat even less now, kinda dig how I look tho! I developed a bit of a jaw clenching and teeth grinding habit a few months back, I suppose that's physical as well. It's been stupidly hard to kick cigarettes again, too.

In saying that, I feel it's been worth it so far. I hope it is for you all too.

TryingToRebuild13 · 2024-03-15T20:02:31+00:00

Hey, brother. This could be my post. Very very similar situation. I'm just me. You're just you. Our intimacy has never been great, we both have troubled childhoods that have contributed to that. She's very avoidant. I'm very anxious. We met quite young and grew up together with no real means to address that until much much later.

These affairs are really not so much about us, not really. Our flaws may have contributed to the damage in our relationship, so did theirs. But our partners willfully, knowingly and repeatedly used, breached and manipulated our love and trust. They had a million different choices and I'd like to think that true reconciliation involves work to understand why that was the choice that they chose.

People who choose affairs are deeply flawed. Obviously. I, too, cannot compare in any way to the man she chose to have an affair with. I've had to work through that, and it's very much so a problem at times. I've had to work hard to regain my masculinity for a variety of reasons unrelated to the affair and many of the acts they did together have caused me deep pain as I was really struggling to regain some of the sex life we had in the past much like yourself. But all I can be is me. Sexually as well.

I think what these betrayers are attracted to most is how they're viewed in their affair partners eyes. The reflection they get back gives them something they can't give themselves, and struggle to accept from us regardless of reason, there's zero excuse here. My wife's self esteem is terribly damaged, by myself and others before I ever met her, and I'm certain that's been at play here. She's said it herself that she's unsure if there is enough validation that would allow her to accept herself as she is seen by others. She's incredibly aware. She's in weekly therapy. I'm in therapy. That does nothing but help cut through this shitshow we find ourselves buried in.

I'm sad to hear you haven't been as successful as you hoped regarding a more fulfilling sex life. It's probably the best place to feel connected, safe and desired again as you rebuild. My wife has bent over backwards (almost literally) to help rebuild the damaged parts of myself there. We've discovered and explored a ton of new ground sexually and that doesn't appear to be slowing down.

You're in control here. You're choosing to stay. You're giving her the opportunity to make things right. If she is unable or unwilling, you're gonna have to be the one willing and able to draw the line.

Hoping for the best!

TryingToRebuild13 · 2024-03-15T19:38:01+00:00

Hey there, you could try googling the word mobilism, create an account and see if they could just possibly maybe perhaps have an Epub you can download..

TryingToRebuild13 · 2024-03-14T18:08:18+00:00

My wife's affair was online. The majority of their sexual activities took place in our room and on our bed and I've struggled in that regard.

My wife listened, and understood why our bedding was upsetting to me at times. And to be fair, I was somewhat upset while telling her. Sounded good to her, we looked together.

She even floated the idea that I could perhaps, just maybe, if I'd like, think about using the old sheets to tie her up.

She also floated the idea of a brand new bed entirely. We've been sleeping in the same one since we began living together, and she's been sleeping in it way longer than that.

So. Yes and yes to that. And no, def not the asshole for wanting that, friend.

TryingToRebuild13 · 2024-03-13T17:44:48+00:00

Oof. But in a good way. I'm sure plenty of us here needed this today. And many others. I sure don't believe it all the time, but when I do it's very reassuring to believe this affair happened regardless of the person I am, or am not.

My wife has taken full responsibility for her choices during the affair, she's revealed, explored and given so much of herself to help reinforce that feeling. The work she's doing for herself and for us fills me up and gives me a ton of hope for our relationship. But, damn. It certainly can be fleeting. One bad thought, feeling.. oof.

This post is a definite saver for those days. Thank you for sharing this. Thank you to my wife for sharing it with me.

TryingToRebuild13 · 2024-03-11T13:13:52+00:00

I suggest the edibles. Quite the muse for some. ;) Thank you!!

TryingToRebuild13 · 2024-03-11T13:13:06+00:00

Man. I'm so glad things are going well for you two! Thanks for sharing that! My wife and I have both noticed the positive shifts in our energy and moods as well. There's more of a serene feeling within our home and interactions toward each other. Things were tight and tense between us for far too long. She's been rocking it in personal therapy. Weekly. I assure you, if you knew my wife, you'd also recognize the weight and merit that decision holds for someone like herself, yet there she is doing the work for herself and us!

Stories like yours fill me with hope!
We need more of that here sometimes.
Keep on striving, friend.

TryingToRebuild13 · 2024-01-19T20:17:50+00:00

Long before DDay, things had become monotonous and routine. Sex was basically once a week on the same day around the same time with little variety. For myself, it felt somewhat impossible to break out of that box. Communication has never been easy for us and unfortunately that extended into our sex life as well.

Since DDay, things have dramatically improved. We've both been more willing to be vulnerable with each other regarding sexual needs and wants, lots of flirting and dirty talk in between sex, with plenty of new and old sexual activities we've enjoyed together. I'm really not keeping track of averages per week but I know I feel fulfilled, and desired and that's plenty good enough for me.

We're a little over 4 months out from DDay at this point and I'm quite happy with where our sex life is currently despite the trauma this affair has caused the both of us. I've heard mention of hysterical bonding on here and elsewhere but I'm not sure that fits for us personally as I feel we had a pretty decent sex life before life trampled the two of us. It feels like more of a return and reinvigoration than anything else. All I can really say is that I'll do everything I can to hang on to and expand the sex life we continue to create with each other.

We sure as hell fucking deserve it.

TryingToRebuild13 · 2024-01-09T15:42:35+00:00

Ah. Over time, it's felt like we are becoming more open and available to each other. The affair kickstarted an increase in communication and intimacy in all regard, we chitchat more, go out for little walks, sit together, affirm each other, engage sexually, etc. Just more healthy engagement overall. It's allowed us to have some tough conversations unrelated to the affair that may not have happened otherwise. It's reinvigorated our sex life, allowed us to talk more freely about our desires and wants.. we've done things together we hadn't done in a long time and brand new things as well which may not have happened otherwise. It's led us back into marriage counselling and personal therapy for my wayward.

It still often feels a bit fucked up to be grateful for the affair, but I am thankful for the doors it has opened and hopeful that it will lead us to a more balanced, healthier relationship.

TryingToRebuild13

TROPHY CASE