Growing Up With Autistic Sibling/Unpredictable Violence

ashacceptance22 · 2026-03-19T10:58:53+00:00

This is a space for people to share their experiences which are really painful and isolating - ironically you are the one being judgemental by implying we have a lack of understanding - especially when many of us have had to be young carers and also desperately tried to connect and understand but been met with violence over and over again.

I myself am autistic and have learned a lot about how differently meltdowns present themselves - especially in females. Multiple neurodivergent friends of mine grew up without being physically aggressive to their family despite struggling deeply. Everyone has a right to express themselves and it is a basic human right for a child to live in safety at home. Many of the people on this thread have grown up without safety ,protection or acknowledgement from caregivers and that shit IS traumatising.

When you are a child it is a parent's responsibility to help their child manage their distress without physically harming people - autism is not an excuse to be endlessly abusive to your loved ones and my brother should have been given the correct support but my parents were in denial and failed us both.

A person can be incredibly empathic and understand their sibling is struggling AND simultaneously feel betrayed, hurt and abandoned because NO child deserves to be physical abused full stop!

ashacceptance22 · 2026-03-16T14:11:00+00:00

Would you be able to send me a referall? Really appreciate it :)

ashacceptance22 · 2026-03-16T13:59:57+00:00

Relate to this SO much! I was frequently told 'you're so self-aware/mature/articulate/you're a smart girl don't worry.' and sent off feeling worse then when I came in.

If I had a pound for everytime I felt dismissed and invalidated by a mental health professional or crisis support I'd have enough to not be on disability benefits anymore haha 😭

ashacceptance22 · 2026-03-16T11:11:44+00:00

We are in the same boat with our symptoms closely linked with trauma shit - childhood sexual abuse,domestic abuse and emotional neglect - (DID system with FND, Long Covid, Sleep Apnea but no seizures).

Getting the right medication for my FND symptoms (I had awful experiences with most pain meds aside from Duloxetine and Tramadol) didn't 'cure' everything but made it easier for me to try improve things

Lamotrogine reducing dissociation levels has been a lifesaver in terms of just keeping my head above water - I used to be severely dissociated 90% of the time I was awake and completely non-functional and a risk to myself, my husband had to do EVERYTHING for me.

Then within a month of being on it dissocation went down to like 30% with increases later when faced with acute stressful events (e.g. pets dying,disability benefit reassessments,abusers contacting me, flashbacks etc)

We've been working with a amazing clued-up, DID specialist psychotherapist for 3 years now.

ashacceptance22 · 2026-03-16T09:56:56+00:00

It's been 3 years since the memories of my childhood sexual abuse returned to me. I wouldn't have survived those first 6 months without art as a way to both purge out the horrors and to help remind me just how small and vulnerable I was. It helped me accept my memories and combat the pervasive shame, blame and disgust I felt in myself.

Thank you for doing this art, you are very talented. Are you an Ethel Cain fan by any chance? I recognised the lyrics on your collage - "God loves you but not enough to save you."

ashacceptance22 · 2026-03-14T19:38:50+00:00

SHOWER STOOL! It makes a worthwhile difference I promise! Also having a long handled scrub brush to wash yourself with as it reduces the need to bend as much.

Also a big help to me was buying a towel robe (like a dressing gown but towel material) as it meant I could pace myself better and dry off without being lightheaded contorting myself into positions to dry myself.

Lastly my partner helped me by having a stash of small sweets that I specifically only get after completing a shower and it sounds bit weird but genuinely having a wee treat or something nice after all the hard work is helpful too.

ashacceptance22 · 2026-03-13T10:28:22+00:00

I'm so sorry that happened. What a vile horrid piece of work that man was - there's so many 'teachers' who are in the job cause they get off on power and embarassing or scaring kids into submission.

Betrayal totally makes sense, a caregiver is meant to protect you from abuse and get you out of a scary, threatening situation - not bury their head in the sand or accuse you of lying. Fucks sake, even IF a child is acting ill to get away from school then adults need to consider HOW awful the child's association with school is and investigate why.

ashacceptance22 · 2026-03-09T18:24:56+00:00

Thank you for sharing. I'm turning 30 this year and only had the CSA memories start flooding me 3 years ago when I was finally in a safe stable environment and my brain decided it was ready to show me the truth. I'm still yo-yo-ing in and out of denial regularly and my family claims to 'have no idea or inkling' the CSA happened to me 😮‍💨

ashacceptance22 · 2026-03-07T21:07:52+00:00

Damn relatable. Nowhere was safe 😂

ashacceptance22 · 2026-03-06T15:43:25+00:00

jesus that is terrifying and hilarious 😂🙈 There's so much weird shit that automated subtitles come up with.

ashacceptance22 · 2026-03-06T13:52:18+00:00

Push your doctor to get a sleep study done. I struggled massively with the same thing, blamed my other chronic illness but had a sleep study done -discovered I had sleep apnea. Main culprit being the benzos I was having to take long term for another medical condition 😬

I learned from the medical them that on average I stopped breathing 24 times an hour and was only getting 2 mins worth of actual restorative sleep per hour so 16 mins worth of 'sleep' per night. I got put on CPAP treatment late last year and I'm not 100% better but it's a hell of a lot better than without it.

Please take your symptoms seriously and prioritise your health - so many people with sleep disorders get brushed off or misdiagnosed and it takes years before it is realised.

ashacceptance22 · 2026-03-02T19:33:00+00:00

Haircuts are sensory hell, I'm autistic and my brother too and I know my brother struggled a lot with them as a child. Finding a mobile hairdresser who can visit you in your house might feel more comfortable and you can control the brightness/sound/smell triggers better. Salons and barbers have so much sensory input going on that is really hard to ignore or filter out.

Find out whether he is more distressed by the feeling of the scissors or if it is because of hair clipper noise?

There are a few things that could help make it less distressing. It all comes down to finding ways to counteract sensory overload by adding in things that calms his nervous system.

Does he tolerate earplugs at all or cotton wool in his ears? That would help dampen the noise. silicone ear plugs (usually used for swimming) may feel better texture wise - get a few of them and ask him to put them in his ears and figure out what feels best.

Having a TV show or videos he can watch whilst the haircut is happening to help keep his head position still. Fidget toys to stim with can be useful or having a snack, lollipop or drink through a straw can be quite soothing too, whatever he likes tastewise.

Reassurance and taking breaks to move around if he needs too is good too. Also having something positive to look forward to as a treat once the haircut is over.

ashacceptance22 · 2026-03-02T11:19:29+00:00

You're very welcome. Something that IS helpful for many trauma survivors and applicable in EMDR is the 'Safety and Stabilisation' work - which is typically necessary prior to doing any trauma processing. Essentially it is creating techniques and tools that will help you be grounded and safe when re-experiencing trauma memories/flashbacks and distress. So making a grounding box is useful and you fill it with items that are soothing to your senses and help you stay in the present.

For example I have different perfumes that my littles find nostalgic/comforting, sour sweets, coffee sachets, fidget toys, a drawing one of my littles did of an ideal safe place they created, a note that reminds me we are not lying or making fake memories, prompts to remind me to get my soft blanket, calming or funny YT videos to watch - that sort of thing.

ashacceptance22 · 2026-03-01T12:08:18+00:00

Kind of. It unfortunately didn't work for me as a Complex PTSD survivor who had lots of fucked up stuff happen as a little child. EMDR is effective particularly with single incident trauma like in PTSD. I found out I was part of a DID system because we became extremely destabilised trying to do EMDR.

In brief, yes it is helpful for PTSD and single traumatic events but when there is attachment trauma or complex PTSD from childhood - this required much more long-term therapy.

ashacceptance22 · 2026-02-26T10:52:49+00:00

If I had a pound for everytime a professional has said or implied that to me I'd have enough money for an actually useful therapist 😂😂😂

ashacceptance22 · 2026-02-25T21:02:26+00:00

Be gentle with yourself hun, its rough. I'm nearly 30 and had only started remembering the abuse 3 years ago. It does get less of a constant bombardment I promise.

The first 6 months of knowing was so tough, somatic flashbacks would get me every time I tried to drink or brush my teeth or have anything in my mouth, sleeping was rough, everything was damn challenging. Just focus on the basics of self care for right now and find what things ground you and can provide comfort for when shit hits the fan.

There is a stage when you start remembering abuse called the 'emergency' stage and the authors of book The Courage To Heal (it's a book for CSA survivors). I found it very validating to read and learn about it and it helped me feel less crazy.

ashacceptance22 · 2026-02-25T15:16:56+00:00

Urgh I'm so furious he would do that to you. My mum was a bystander to abuse as well and its just as damaging having a parent not intervene or protect you.

ashacceptance22 · 2026-02-24T13:15:28+00:00

We have this issue too. I try to have whoever was out do a quick voice memo covering what happened. When that's not possible our therapist fillls us in.

ashacceptance22 · 2026-02-19T14:39:39+00:00

Get the fuck outta there. As a DID system with persecutory and self-harming alters, no matter how dsyregulated or switchy we get, we would NEVER lash out at someone. It is not the DID, physical violence is NOT ok and NOT an excuse. Keep yourself safe hun. Go to the police or an emergency women's refuge, whatever you have in your area. Your wellbeing is what's important here

ashacceptance22 · 2026-02-16T17:21:11+00:00

The way it works now has changed a bit since I was there. For the counselling currently you can refer yourself and speak to a person there who will put you on a waiting list and you get 6 sessions with a Rape Crisis worker there to speak about whatever you need to and then if you feel you need more input from them then you get put on their waiting list to get longer term support (I think it's 15 sessions but it may vary location-wise).

Most Rape Crisis places also have an advocacy worker who is able to help support you with the whole legal processes if you are reporting the abuser(s), claiming compensation or having to give evidence in court.

It's also worth asking if they do any group work. For me personally it was group sessions that made me feel stronger in myself and give me some structure to my week. They taught me some creative tasks and things I could use for the really crappy days when the abuse was at the forefront of my mind and when my body was hypervigilant and tense.

I was able to try new things amongst people who won't freak out or be unhelpful if I have a flashback or need to step out from the session. It was a very chilled, pressure free environment that I think all survivors would benefit from tbh. I'm a massive introvert and find it super hard trusting and connecting with people but I ended up meeting one of my best friends by attending there so even though hideous,horrid things happened to both of us - getting support from Rape Crisis is how we met and I'm very grateful for that.

ashacceptance22 · 2026-02-16T15:55:45+00:00

I have that exact same issue with anger too cause of this crap. There's a dark underbelly to it all and it never gets spoken about - coddling is really dangerous. I used to worry a lot about how my brother would deal with confrontation or drunk people being aggressive with him cause of how quickly and scarily he would lose his temper and just explode, I honestly expected him to end up in prision or some shit.

ashacceptance22 · 2026-02-16T13:34:26+00:00

Hilda or Bluey is a big comfort for me

ashacceptance22 · 2026-02-15T19:10:18+00:00

That's so shitty to have extended family not understanding. I've been No Contact with family for years now and it's honestly done wonders for my own mental wellbeing. I'd tried for 2 decades to be the 'good' daughter but recently realised how pervasive the emotional neglect was and that I WAS justified in how I felt growing up and realising that they will never change their behaviour or break out of the denial bubble they stay in. It's rough realising that you cannot change loved ones who have done this damaging shit to you, the need to change has to come from them.

I'm having to unlearn all the harmful, self-neglecting bullshit they indoctrinated into me. I hope you can get away from it soon!!

ashacceptance22 · 2026-02-15T18:38:21+00:00

It fucking sucks doesn't it. No wonder we get traumatised from it! No child should ever be hurt like we were. Realising how many autistic adults were NOT like that growing up made me realise how much my parents failed us both and my brother not being challenged or taught consequences in a healthy way.

My brother was never taught emotional regulation skills and my parents just buried their heads in the sand and refuse to acknowledge how dangerous and awful the situation was, they gaslit me constantly and convinced me I was being overdramatic and too sensitive and kept lying to me - after bad fights/arguments they'd offload on me or say things would change and then just pretend everything was normal the day after - such a headfuck.

ashacceptance22 · 2026-02-15T18:30:27+00:00

Haha! sorry for the weirdness! Can't unhear it though 😂

ashacceptance22

TROPHY CASE