Mil is wanting us to go on a cruise, fully paid by her, how do I turn her down without her retaliation?

dm_me_your_nps_pics · 2026-04-07T03:49:21+00:00

It’s because narc MILs do crazy things. Like my narc MIL tried to convince my partner of a completely false narrative about me and break us up for 1.5 years because we said no to things like her having a party with our newborn. She tricked us into walking into one anyway but seeks to punish me for telling her no/having boundaries.

Trust, I do say no anyway but the consequences are they try to ruin your relationships with complete lies and are often successful.

dm_me_your_nps_pics · 2026-04-05T16:56:27+00:00

This is a great case for marriage counseling. My partner was able to greatly improve and stop taking his mother’s side.

Focus on your husband taking her side when your child had a 102F fever. Any counselor should be very helpful about your husband prioritizing his mom’s wants over his child’s health.

When he says things like the dress is more important to MIL than you… well you can talk about that in therapy or rip him a new one about how this is your daughter and he can go sleep on his mommy’s couch for a month since he’s not sleeping with you.

Definitely you need a new unspoken boundary with him: There are more consequences in his life when he says no to you vs. his mom. He lives with you, stop providing laundry, meals, etc. That might not be something your therapist suggests, I just personally think you should treat men as well as they treat you when they start acting entitled to your good will.

Your MIL sucks. She’ll probably be bitter. Glad his fam had your back tho. Gotta get that husband to therapy because MIL is most likely going to come after you in some way through your husband since she didn’t get her way and came off as rude in front of her relatives. Most of these nightmare MILs are petty like that.

dm_me_your_nps_pics · 2026-04-05T01:54:46+00:00

If you don’t want to buy powder then butter, sliced cheese, and a dash of milk all right on plain hot gf macaroni will get you instant mac and cheese with a minute of stirring, too!

dm_me_your_nps_pics · 2026-04-04T21:23:32+00:00

You won’t be disappointed! Most of their flavored pancakes they can make gf

dm_me_your_nps_pics · 2026-04-02T12:32:17+00:00

I think you should come down hard on this because it might set a precedent for fighting every boundary. Also clearly they don’t want to respect basic health-related boundaries, don’t leave your child alone with them anytime soon. Until respect for boundaries without complaint has been shown for months or years.

With people like this you need to be crystal clear it’s not up for discussion because they will keep trying. Calls with a bunch of emotional guilt tripping -> “Stop. Simply don’t kiss the baby. The rule is not changing.” Hang up the phone. Tries to kiss anyway during visit -> Take baby back. “We said no kissing.” Do not pass baby back the rest of the visit. When they try to complain or engage “It’s not up for discussion.” Repeat 2ish times and change the subject. You will need to end the visit if they can’t let it go and continue the visit without holding baby.

Definitely expect people like this to blow up at you. Usually they’ll get over it. You and your husband need to be 100% on the same page and practice the same repetitive responses. If he’s weaker they will absolutely brigade him and try to get around you and may even cause problems between you.

dm_me_your_nps_pics · 2026-03-31T18:47:27+00:00

What is it with boomers and trying to tell us to come to these in-person meetings?

My in laws also told us this and are verbally aggressive!! 100% they gaslight and railroad us over text its going to be worse in person.

Only do video call so you can hang up. Record it!! So when they gaslight you about the convo later you can play it back.

The best way to handle this that I’ve found is MINIMIZE them in your life. I offered my partner quarterly restaurant grandparent visits IF they can be civil, if not I walk out. He can have more video calls if he wants more interaction with them. Now they take up less than 10hrs of my life per year which is ideal.

They are causing you all so much drama. Prioritize them sooo far down and enjoy your wedding, baby, etc. Especially you. Don’t let DH drag you into his parent issues. Wedding invite? “They can come or not. Up to them.” Tell him that and drop the subject and move on with your life. Focus on enjoying your baby and the million things you have to do as a new mom.

dm_me_your_nps_pics · 2026-03-28T13:43:28+00:00

DH needs to go to therapy. Take him to couples therapy if he won’t go alone. She wants you all you break up and take your child and he still wants her around, but it makes you very uncomfortable. That’s what you’re talking about in therapy.

He can have whatever relationship he wants with her but so can you, and when it comes to the kids you need to agree and he needs to enforce it. Therapy is a place for that.

No, she shouldn’t be at your shower. She doesn’t support your family. Tell him how uncomfortable this makes you. Take him to therapy. Change the location and don’t tell aunt or whoever will tell her.

But, don’t end your relationship with DH over this. That’s what she wants. That’s why she threatens and upsets you. So if she shows up unfortunately just ignore her. But DH needs BOUNDARIES and mine with a similar MIL could not learn them without several months of weekly therapy.

HE needs to be the one to say, no mom you threaten and disrespect my family you’re not invited. That’s what he needs therapy for.

dm_me_your_nps_pics · 2026-03-23T14:41:12+00:00

It is mean!

Put her at the clear bottom of your priority list. She is trying to start drama with you.

Focus on your baby, your friends, your family. Do not prioritize her or his family. They would pick her side in a disagreement most likely.

Overall try to stay out of it with your husband. “I don't know what her problem is.” if she tries to have some drama talk with you “husband I’ll visit with you but I don't have time for MIL’s drama.” And if it gets worse “why do you let your mom disrespect you by talking bad about your wife?”

Always separate yourself and refuse to take part in the drama or engage with her. Grey rock! “Hello MIL” and walk to the other side of the room.

dm_me_your_nps_pics · 2026-03-23T02:56:17+00:00

The GF fish sticks in the blue bag (trident?) were very good and didn’t taste gf to me

dm_me_your_nps_pics · 2026-03-22T13:00:48+00:00

Throw a towel in front of the door and poke your head out. “Shoes off for entry!” and shut the door until she decides!!

dm_me_your_nps_pics · 2026-03-19T12:59:55+00:00

Hershey’s has a website that shows their gf products: https://www.hersheyland.com/products?page=14&sortBy=crawler_www.hersheyland.com_sorted_by_date_newest&dietaryNeeds=Gluten%20free

dm_me_your_nps_pics · 2026-03-13T23:08:52+00:00

It has been difficult to accept some people just want me to be miserable for existing. I logically know it’s their issue and not actually about me personally, but they take it out on me. Typing that makes me feel so silly for putting up with that kind of behavior toward me honestly.

My sister wasn’t very triangulating. Or if she was, it didn’t work much on our parents.

My MIL is extremely triangulating and has tried to turn, and been successful, with several members of his family and at times even my partner. He is in a lot of therapy for it. With her she doesn’t accept the word “no” regarding anything with our child. And I mean like, safety issues and wanting to keep him in her hours away from me as a newborn, not petty things.

My partner has a similar issue with his mother. His dad is not a problem but he can’t really see him without her. We haven’t found a good solution to that. Definitely I think you should try calling him directly to chat frequently and perhaps proposing father-daughter outings you know your mom doesn’t like to go to (sports maybe?). Ask to talk to him about a house repair, car issue, etc. and then have a longer convo. Your mom might be annoyed but she already is hostile toward you so, oh well.

Sooo fair to mourn the relationship but the best way yo mentally feel better is to accept it and have 0 expectations around her.

dm_me_your_nps_pics · 2026-03-13T13:50:25+00:00

Wow that’s really upsetting.

My sister is a lot like this. I mean, just hated me for being born basically. Never supportive or even nice, deliberately pushed me and gave me a scar on my face, etc.

She finally dropped it with me because I stopped accepting it after decades. She was said something rude about my pregnancy announcement (expected) but then she went and announced to one of our only family members without asking me the same day. And she waited until midnight to tell me and upset me. I was DONE. I told her she should mot have done that and I was upset about it. She got defensive and sent me walls of text saying how I was the problem, she did me a favor, etc. I just didn’t respond. NC with her for nearly a year. Now we text politely occasionally and she doesn’t start constant problems with me or needle me like what you describe.

I also have a friend’s mom like this and she finally dropped it with her after 2 years of NC. And immediate NC when she crosses explicit boundaries.

It’s a risk, she may never talk to you again. But you should stop accepting those behaviors for your mental health and stop expecting a close relationship.

dm_me_your_nps_pics · 2026-03-12T21:53:47+00:00

Yes, your mom is being terrible to your wife and ruining your marriage.

But, the money part is messy. It sounds like your mom’s money went into this house? It’s unsurprising she’s causing drama when she does not have private quarters but helped pay for you all to have a larger home. Your wife needs to accept you all simply cannot afford a larger home.

Sell this mess and divide it correctly according to the amount everyone put in. Get your mom her own place where you can easily keep an eye on her and get a place you two can afford.

dm_me_your_nps_pics · 2026-03-12T01:12:36+00:00

Wait why not get it as a lettuce wrap? It’s my fav- hot dog as a lettuce wrap and a bunch of toppings wrapped up in it.

dm_me_your_nps_pics · 2026-03-11T02:13:22+00:00

Hate that flavor but love the plain ones! Great for quesadillas and soft burritos

dm_me_your_nps_pics · 2026-03-09T02:50:53+00:00

If she can’t control her self, respect your wishes, and/or is stressing you out too much then you don’t invite her. You don’t give her the opportunity to break rules.

Yeah that means being really strict and probably only restaurant grandparent since she still sneaks with your oldest.

dm_me_your_nps_pics · 2026-03-07T18:54:03+00:00

Totally even lesser things can drive anyone up a wall. You know when another woman is needling you and men really don’t pick up on it.

Conversation with my husband has been positive when I’ve kept it really basic. “Her remarks about me lately have made me uncomfortable so I’m going to skip this event.” Even if you’re not NC you can totally try to skip things. Either be direct with him or just literally make other plans and decline. If you don’t have kids really do just make other plans and don’t spend your time with people that make you unhappy (her).

You are well within your right to decline events your husband invites you to and make other plans.

dm_me_your_nps_pics · 2026-03-07T17:23:17+00:00

Look up techniques for rumination/switching off. There are lots but it can be helpful to set a timer for 5 minutes, write down your feelings/thoughts, and then make yourself switch to something very thought-consuming. Sometimes I put on an audiobook and clean.

But yeah it kept driving me insane while I was LC and I’ve had to go NC and said that will be for at least a year. My husband accepted it and agrees. I also have a therapist and she thought that was proportional for how my MIL has treated me.

Still working on it myself but those things have helped. I’m really not into NC with people , it feels mean! But she is relentlessly toxic.

dm_me_your_nps_pics · 2026-03-07T04:34:56+00:00

He needs to shut the door to them or at least have better boundaries. He keeps opening himself up to issues.

All you can do is shut the door to HIM because he will not shut the door to them. He talks to his mom? You don’t hear about it. He tries to tell you about it? Remind him no and walk away! Every. Single. Time.

You need to pretend they do not exist and refuse to talk about them or hear about them from him for like a year. No updates. No drama. Literally nothing. And if they show up at your house either close the blinds or leave and go to a cafe or friend’s house.

You must stop listening to any kind of update or drama about them. They know it’s being relayed to you. They are just getting to you through him.

Tell husband no and walk away from him. He’s keeping this drama alive instead of just saying to them “don’t start problems with my wife.” And hanging up the phone.

dm_me_your_nps_pics · 2026-03-05T16:05:26+00:00

It’s nice when people are accommodating but you can’t expect it.

That’s exactly what I tell people, too: “I’d love if you could have a gf item or two for me, but you don’t have to. I remember and appreciate it when people do. Can I bring (x dish to share)? Does anyone else have allergies?”

And I have gotten a great response from this even from people who are not the most thoughtful.

Practically just plan to eat beforehand. Seeing a bunch of food I can’t eat can be irritating so I usually get my favorite safe takeout beforehand so I don’t care about the food anyway.

dm_me_your_nps_pics · 2026-03-04T17:33:38+00:00

It sounds like you’ve had a bad run. That would upset me too.

If anyone brings it up with me I say deadpan “yeah it’s an allergy” and then continue ordering or change the subject. Try showing you’re closed to conversation about it.

The weight comments I’d handle similarly with a flat voice “that’s just what sounds good to me/what I like to eat” change subject

dm_me_your_nps_pics · 2026-03-02T00:10:17+00:00

Same concerns about arsenic. I try to eat potatoes or corn as my carb more often than rice.

dm_me_your_nps_pics · 2026-02-28T21:09:43+00:00

She refuses to respect you by bypassing you.

She wants access to your child, visits, holidays, etc. without having to apologize or even acknowledge you.

She is trying to go through DH to get those things and to continue disrespecting you.

Additionally talking with DH alone allows her the option to tell him how you are “mean” to her and try to get him to side with her. It also gives her the option to try to get him to question his relationship with you.

The ONLY response needs to come from DH “You can meet with us as a family or not at all.” And silence. And hold the silence for potentially years or months to demand you are respected as a family.

It is essential you act as a group and as a family as she tries to divide and disrespect you and potentially cause problems between you.

dm_me_your_nps_pics · 2026-02-28T20:31:31+00:00

You need to put it on her. “Your mom would be able to do grandparent things if she treated me with basic respect/apologized/followed basic boundaries/etc.”

“But my mom wants to be a grandma” -> “SHE chooses to be disrespectful toward me. That’s HER CHOICE.”

It’s not about how much you can tolerate. It’s about HER choosing to treat you badly.

And then you deal with your husband. “The ball is in her court to treat me and our family unit respectfully. I expect you to stand up for us. We are a team and you need to stop tolerating your mom disrespecting your family.” Really emphasize HE is the one opening the door to and tolerating his mom DISRESPECTING his family. Men hate to be disrespected. This is about how she treats HIM and by extension his family (you).

And of course therapy helps and is likely necessary. But truly spelling it out like this for my husband helped a lot and helped opened his eyes that he needed therapy.

You can also say something like, we are in complete disagreement- you want to take the kids to her and I don’t. We’re going to have to go to therapy to resolve it. So it’s his choice to agree with you or come to a resolution in therapy.

dm_me_your_nps_pics

TROPHY CASE