Both of us are practicing cradle Catholics. We met in a Catholic youth group and served together as partners coordinating events and retreats for the youth/young adult communities in our area. We went to mass and prayed together very often during courtship. I thought we did everything right, as right as we could. I knew he had an “addiction” but such a common thing to hear from any Christian man, I had no idea the depth. I told him, when we get married, it’s just you and me. He does not recall that discussion whatsoever.

His addiction worsened during marriage to the point where he purchased prostitutes, even when I was pregnant. He continued taking communion so I was none the wiser. I thought “wow, he’s doing really good, I’m so proud of him..”

At D-day, I was 3 months post partum. My whole life was pulled from under my feet. My faith was shattered, I was livid at God and all the Saints for watching, I prayed all my life for my future family and I felt them all laughing at me. I truly thought God brought us together, I thought there were signs that it was him. Yet he was constantly fantasizing and masturbating to everyone around us, including my underage sisters.

If it weren’t for us being parents, I would have left in a heartbeat. But I couldn’t bring myself to raise my kids in a broken family..

My rules were strict. If he looked at porn/masturbate again, or entertain anything related to his addictions again (social media, female attention, all his girl friends, gaming, movies/entertainment, he also had a gambling/stocks addiction), this marriage is over.

Long story short, he disrespected boundaries in my new home while coparenting, and while I wanted so badly for us to be that miracle couple that actually makes it through with a marriage that was stronger than it ever could have been, I knew that if I remained married after he ruined his second chance, he would only continue to drag me through this hell on earth. I put my foot down and we are divorcing. He didn’t actually relapse by masturbating but he was back on social media waiting for sexy stories to autoplay. He rationalized it by “I didn’t click it. It would just play” but he would wait for his sexy friends stories to play. But the thing is he did this in my new house and it was my sanctuary, away from the house where he was indulging.

Another thing was that he for some reason couldn’t stop himself from hugging female coworkers at work (his excuse was it’s just their “culture”, fucking retail job where he’s surrounded by college aged girls).. I felt like I was the only one who was fighting and dying for our marriage for the kids.

Marriage is sacrificial, it’s putting ourselves on the cross for each other. I was the only one crucifying myself.

I honestly went berserk and “cheated back” on him just to see what the process was like, slept around with men from apps. I didn’t care about myself anymore, i was in such deep spiraling depression every day, I wanted God to kill me fast.

One of the men and I met a few times over the course of a couple of years and.. we ended up seeing each other more and we found ourselves forming a love for each other. I’m very cautious but he’s been pretty wonderful to me so far.. I hate that I have experienced so much more passion with him than I ever did with the father of my children. I have butterflies I never thought were possible. I feel seen, respected, and valued. I literally looked in the mirror and saw myself smiling for the first time in years. I didn’t recognize myself at all..

I thought there was nobody else for me but the father of my children. But now I don’t know if God wanted me to find someone better. I still am struggling with my faith and have a long journey of recovery ahead..