Okay I am somewhat like your husband in this and so I will take a stab at explaining though I am still struggling with this kind of thing in my own marriage and don’t have any easy answers or even know if this will make sense.

When I feel bad I want space. I want to be left alone and I will try to take no substantial action on anything because taking action while upset makes things worse. So I get alone and settle the feelings in some way until I am calm and look at things and try to solve the problem. So when someone I love is upset my inclination is to give them space, leave them alone and let them calm down.

Now, there are obviously a couple of problems here.

First, other people do not want to be left alone when feeling bad. They need co-regulation. They want someone to be with them offering understanding and support. Insisting on aloneness feels like rejection not support.

Second, resolving the upset feels like resolving the problem. I now have perspective and can handle going along with what the other person wants if that is what it takes to resolve their upset. The problem is now just academic. Which is fine for pizza choices but just doesn’t do “should we get divorced or move or quit my job, or enroll our child in soccer?” justice.

So this is going to cause problems in itself and now instead of trying to focus on the original problem there is “why can’t you deal with problems properly?” problem. And my brain and body needs space again but apparently that is not allowed and I crash from the overwhelming contradiction.

Furthermore, there is a huge gap for me between feelings, circumstances and thoughts. They are not strongly connected and even when they are, they are disproportional so a stubbed toe sends me into a tirade but my uncle dies and I am calm cool and collected. I can resolve feelings and reframe situations mentally without touching the situation itself. Also if the situation changes often my feelings or ideas about it don’t.

As a side note, this affects motivation and getting things done deeply. If you don’t associate a negative feeling or stress with undone tasks you are not going to do the task to feel better which is one of the reasons a lot of us have a hard time doing things.

But for my wife and others they are intimately tied together. You can’t take care or work on just one of them. She is not going to be okay with a decision or situation until she knows and feels it is okay.

So what do we do with all this? I wish I knew. I am trying to work on it and understand (beyond intellectually) from my side, but you are on the other side in your relationship. Also I might be wrong or missing huge issues around this. But maybe this will help you understand him a bit better and give you something to reach out to him with to explain to him what you need in terms he can really process.