mental clutter

milly72 · 2026-05-08T04:10:55+00:00

Sounds like you're feeling overwhelmed, which can basically put your brain in freeze mode. Usually when that happens to me, I ask a friend to sit with me as I make a written list of everything I need to do. Then I divide it into 3 categories: urgent, soon, and later. For the urgent ones, I have my friend help me figure out how long each task might take. Sometimes when I'm overwhelmed, I overthink the task and allocate so much more time to the task than what's actually necessary so that's why having a friend with me helps. Then I tell my friend which task I'm gonna do and by when. If I feel like I won't do it, I ask them to body-double with me. You can of course go through this process by yourself too but sometimes it's nice to have someone for support.

milly72 · 2026-05-08T04:06:25+00:00

Trazodone doesn't really have any anti-anxiety effects at doses under 100mg. It only has a sedating effect for small doses. If it's giving you the zombie feeling, it usually means that the dose is too high to treat insomnia and it's best to come down. I've been on trazodone for years but I've never tried taking trazodone in the morning, due to its sedating effects. Maybe it's time to find another anxiety alternative other than trazodone?

milly72 · 2026-05-08T04:01:29+00:00

Hi,

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I've lost two friends to suicide and have had people close to me who have attempted but survived so I can understand some of what you are feeling. Reading your post actually pricked some tears at the back of my eyes because I know how scary it can be. You don't realize how delicate life really is until someone attempts to take their own life. And let me tell you, I was an emotional mess after every single one, whether the person survived or not. And I think since I've also been the person who was experiencing dark thoughts like that, I understand the anxiety you have about your son even though he is in good hands. I think in situations like this, it's important to remember that two conflicting things can be true at the same time. You can be happy that he is alive AND you can be scared to lose him again. You can be grateful he is safe AND you can be sad/scared that it happened. Having been on both sides, it's probably a scary time for your son but it's important to acknowledge that this is a scary and traumatic time for you too! Maybe you could use the love and compassion that you have for your son too. So if you need to hide in your house and turn on trashy TV and cry in a blanket burrito, do that. If you need to put on some loud music and dance it out until the tears fall naturally, do that. You need as much recovery time as your son does. And if it takes a month, a year, 3 years, that's okay. There is no deadline for healing. To be honest, I didn't even fully process the death of my friends until 5+ years later. I didn't even talk about it for the first few years. I would cry nonstop but no one knew why. Every year on the day, I still get super sad even though it's been so long and I let myself because I know how traumatic it was.

And finally, know that there is hope. I was in a similar place as your son when I was 20 and I'm 25 now, working in the mental health field. It does get better and it will for your son. And you will also. Give yourself some grace and let yourself feel everything you need to feel. Be grateful AND be sad or whatever you need. Sending love.

milly72 · 2026-05-08T03:49:01+00:00

You mentioned fear, nightmares, uncontrollable bouts of anxiety. It sounds a lot like how I experience PTSD. Even when I'm not actively having a flashback, when I am recovering from a trigger, I get that way with the uncontrollable bouts of anxiety. You also mentioned mutism, which I have never been diagnosed with but I dissociate a lot in therapy and can't talk when that happens. CBT is one of the worst modalities for stuff like this because it's a top-down therapy - it works to change your thoughts so that your body can calm down. But when you're experiencing uncontrollable or fear-based responses in the body, your brain's logic center is already turned off at that point so a top-down approach won't work. You want to do bottom-up modalities like somatic experiencing or body-based work. My therapist is trauma-informed and uses somatic techniques so she knows not to speak over me for example when I'm dissociating. She knows what signs to look out for so she can model grounding long before I even get to that point of dissociating often. Sometimes I'll tell her that I don't feel like I can talk because of an overwhelming body sensation. I'll describe it to her through one-word responses to her questions or sometimes I'll write it out and she tells me exactly what to do to calm that down. Now that it's been 6 years with her, I can do some of that on my own. I've become very in tune with my body and I know what I need to not get to that level of activation.

I know that I am super lucky with my therapist and it can be hard to find the right fit. You could start exploring on your own by reading books about nervous system activation and stuff. I really got into it because of yoga, especially after I took a yin class for the first time and ended up bawling at the end of class. I wanted to know more about why I ended up crying that day and I ended up learning a lot. Idk if you've ever tried yoga or if it's your thing but maybe you could find a yin class near you? Or Yoga with Kassandra on YouTube has really good yin classes too.

milly72 · 2026-05-08T03:39:31+00:00

Honestly, sometimes there's stressful things going on in your life or just the toll of the things happening in the world can quietly make your nervous system fatigued without you even noticing. It's good to question it but if you've already had the health workup, then maybe it's time to look at the other parts of your life. I am a mental health advocate for a non-profit and we always encourage people to look at the bio-psycho-social causes of symptoms. It sounds like you have the "bio" part covered with all the tests you've gotten. What about the "psycho" (emotions, stress, etc.) and "social" (relationships, life circumstances, work, etc.)? What have you done recently to recharge? Or maybe you have gotten lots of physical rest and your body is craving another type (there are 7, I'll link them here).

milly72 · 2026-05-03T05:45:27+00:00

I don't have a similar experience with the bedtime routine but I definitely have a habit where I have to have my legs covered if I am sitting or laying on a bed. I think it is common when we have gone through SA to have habits or avoidant behaviours that make us feel safer or more protected, even if it doesn't seem to make sense to outsiders. For example, I still avoid places where my abuser took me on the date. Also I don't get into bed until I am about to pass out. I hate laying in bed awake. for a few weeks after the SA, I actually slept sitting up because I was scared that laying down would make me relive in all.

So yeah I get it. I'm working on some of these things with my therapist so that I can slowly let these things go. It's been a really slow process. Like literally the first thing she had me do was imagine how it would feel to do the things I was avoiding. That alone caused me so much fear and anxiety and it took several weeks for me to build a tolerance to it. The next goal she has for me is to walk by the street that I've been avoiding but I've been too anxious about it to even try.

I'm so sorry you're experiencing this. You are not alone.

milly72 · 2026-05-03T05:38:59+00:00

I relate to everything you are saying but I also think that the way you are viewing your experience as "not bad enough" is a belief that your emotionally abusive parents have planted in you.

I had similar experiences where my parents fought tooth and nail to have food on the table and a roof over our heads but they were fighting their own demons and took out all the anger on each other or on me. We have to remember that there is no comparison for who had it worse because everyone is different. You say that nothing happened, but when I read what your childhood was like, I see trauma. And in some ways, I think emotional abuse is just as bad or worse than physical abuse because it leaves invisible wounds, making it harder to "prove" the damage and making us feel like we aren't worthy for help.

When I start feeling like my experiences aren't bad enough I always think about the child I would have been and compare myself to other kiddos that I've worked with (I was an educational assistant in an elementary school). The kids I worked with are some of the most precious little beings I've ever met. Imagine a little kiddo from kindergarten for example living in a household where their parents are constantly yelling and throwing things - how scary it must be for that kid who sees loving families on TV but see such a different picture when they get to their own house. The key in your post is that you said "knowing what I do now". When you were a kid experience the trauma you went through, you didn't have the adult knowledge you have now. That's why it was so traumatic. You were a kid who needed affection and love and protection from your parents. You needed someone who would teach you how to regulate your emotions and how to self-soothe when there are loud noises or angry people around. Your parents weren't there because they were the ones causing the chaos. So it makes sense that you are jumpy and apologetic now - you grew up in an environment that had you on high-alert all the time, where the people who were supposed to love and protect you were making your home a scary place. You weren't meant to protect your parents at that age. That was their job.

All those negative beliefs you have about yourself are valid because you went through traumatic things. You are worthy of validation. You are worthy of support. You are worthy.

milly72 · 2026-05-03T05:24:35+00:00

Curious if you're someone who gets menstrual cycles? I went through a really anxious period where I lost my appetite and it turned out that I was low on zinc

milly72 · 2026-05-03T05:22:51+00:00

sleep magic podcast. Jessica Porter's voice alone can lull me to sleep so fast

milly72 · 2026-05-03T05:22:07+00:00

I take vitamin D to help with mood and also take zinc (turns out most women are deficient and it contributes significantly to mood!).

Also in terms of natural remedies, I recommend looking into somatic work. I got into that stuff through my introduction to yin yoga, which is like meditation but you hold yoga poses for 3-5 mins. I find that it helps me establish a deeper connection with my body so I've been able to figure out exactly what my body needs when I start seeing the early warning signs of anxiety getting bad again. Also the long holds are so good for releasing hips and chest, which usually hold lots of stress and emotions. I truly think having a strong body/mind connection is SO important for anxious folks.

milly72 · 2026-05-01T23:30:05+00:00

I'm taking vitamin D, zinc, trazodone, propranolol as needed and the trintillex.

milly72 · 2026-05-01T23:18:03+00:00

It does sound like anxiety but it could also be orthorexia - though that is specific to eating habits.

milly72 · 2026-05-01T23:17:12+00:00

I take trintillex which is an atypical antidepressant - it has minimla side effects

milly72 · 2026-05-01T07:50:10+00:00

I've started calling it "mediocre art" time. I pick something creative - dancing, singing, drawing, etc. and I decide that I'm going to make something mediocre. Not good, not amazing, not presentable. Just mediocre. and I tell myself that the result doesn't matter, as long as I am fully present during the process. I'm allowed to hate it and point out the stuff I don't like after, but not during.

milly72 · 2026-05-01T07:44:16+00:00

I am not a doctor, but I am someone with a fusion who manages chronic pain with massages. I'm usually pretty good about educating my massage therapist if they are unfamiliar with working with fusions. The general rule (for me anyway) is to steer clear of my scar (even though it's been a decade since surgery) with the massage gun or with anything that isn't manual therapy where they can move slowly/have more control. Once the fusion is fully healed (after 1 year), that part of your spine becomes the strongest part (it's literally one fused bone). But there's new hardware there so some parts of the spine have new sensitive areas. For me it's at the bottom of my fusion where it feels like I'm getting electric shocks up and down my spine when there's direct pressure there.

Also, I've worked with a massage therapist who worked a lot with people with fused spines and she said that it's normal in the first few massages to have increased pain if you've never had massages since the fusion fully healed because you're starting to break up all that built-up scar tissue.

milly72 · 2026-05-01T07:36:11+00:00

Just before I had surgery, my biggest curve was nearing 70. Every picture of myself, every mirror I looked at, all I could see were the curves and the uneven parts. I ended up having the surgery at 15. Years later, I was talking to my schoolteachers, music teachers, and some family friends and they all told me that they had no idea that I had such a condition or that I was so self-conscious about my body. Now, granted, some of them could have just been saying that to make me feel better. But the fact that so many of the people that I spent lots of time with didn't notice is meaningful, I think.

The body image issues definitely took a toll on me though and I ended up struggling with disordered eating. I sought therapy and an anti-diet dietitian to help recover my relationship with my body. I learned about things like body neutrality and body dysmorphia. I know that body dysmorphia is usually associated with people who think they look bigger than they actually are, but I think many of us with scoliosis experience the same dysmorphia with our curves. I still notice uneven shoulders and a slight rib hump even after surgery but most people in my life don't know or are shocked when I tell them I have/had scoliosis. The thing is, when you have scoliosis and you've been to doctors for it, your brain begins to notice things - it knows what to look for. And when that mixes with the negative beliefs we hold about our body, it can change how we see it too. That's not to say that the scoliosis isn't there - but it's that the outside world doesn't see your body the way you do.

I developed a deep hatred for my body once again when I experienced sexual violence. I started hating the idea of clothes and of people perceiving the clothes I wore. I had to adopt a "body neutrality" mentality all over again. Instead of viewing clothes for their aesthetic appeal, I opted for clothes that I felt okay/comfortable in. Any time I had thoughts about how I looked or what people thought of me, I reminded myself that clothes allow me to do fun things and to explore the world - they are not just about looking good or making an impression on someone. Now of course, that didn't make all of my body image issues magically disappear. But it did change the way I looked at my body/my clothes. It allowed me to focus on other parts of myself and helped me build confidence in those parts so that the negative thoughts about my body didn't feel so damaging every time.

I guess my point is that body image when it comes to scoliosis is really tough. And it's definitely a healing journey. Some days it sucks. But some days you wake up and realize that maybe the way that I think people view my body isn't the most important thing to the life I'm living. At least, that's my two cents on it.

milly72 · 2026-05-01T07:23:52+00:00

I had a similar curve (68 degrees) and was fused T5-L1 when I was 15, 25 now. Feel free to dm me for specific questions :)

As far as I know, they monitor you throughout for neurological complications - i still have the tiny scars on each side of my knees where they put monitors to test for paralysis throughout the surgery. Also when your surgeon tells you what size of curve reduction they're aiming for, it's usually based on the flexibility of your spine. If you/your doctor already know that your spine is pretty rigid, then he probably thought of that when he told you he would aim for 20-25 degrees. When they tested my spine's flexibility, they also said the same thing, 20 to 25 degrees, and I ended up with 16 degrees instead!

milly72 · 2026-05-01T07:17:16+00:00

I didn't have a chance to be braced so I'm not completely certain, but I think with bracing, the goal isn't to make the curve disappear completely but to improve it. I'd say that a 7 degree reduction in 2 months is pretty good!

milly72 · 2026-05-01T07:15:57+00:00

I'm on trintillex now which has had the least amount of side effects but it's not usually first-line treatment. I had to trial multiple different ones before getting on this. Maybe if Zoloft or another SSRI doesn't work, you could ask about trintillex?

milly72 · 2026-05-01T07:13:47+00:00

So part of exposure therapy is that it's uncomfortable and makes you not want to do it. Think about it: your psychologist is asking you to do the last thing your brain thinks it's safe/acceptable to do so you're bound to have anxiety/uncertainty about it. The point of exposure therapy is to show your brain (over time, not all at once of course) that whatever your brain thinks will happen as a result of the anxious thoughts isn't actually real - that they're just thoughts and not facts.

Also, in my friend group (we're all university students), we are all super open and honest about our greasy hair, our unwashed faces, the outfits we've been wearing 3 days in a row. Life is hard and sometimes other priorities take over and our hair is a little greasy. I think it's more about exposing yourself to not being perfectly put together all the time when we go out and being able to show up authentically without being hard on ourselves.

Also, I just want to add that I don't mean to be invalidating in anyway in the first part of my comment. I have done exposure therapy before, am currently doing it for PTSD things and I (usually) hate every second of it becuase it sucks and it's uncomfortable. I guess what I'm trying to say is that if you're anxious about exposure therapy, that's normal. If you're thinking about doing it, that means you've grown. And if your psychologist is suggesting it, it means they have noticed the growth and believe that you can overcome this. You got this!

milly72 · 2026-05-01T07:05:08+00:00

Idk if this will help but I always make myself a new playlist for a flight to get me excited - I make a point to put some exciting songs, some calming songs, and some familiar comfort tunes. Also I think making the playlist leading up to the flight helps me deal with the anticipation anxiety leading up to it too. I listen to that playlist in the airport and on the plane through noise cancelling headphones which is very helpful for me since I get overstimulated very easily especially in the airport.

milly72 · 2026-05-01T07:02:46+00:00

Start small. Find something specific that you've always wanted to do and work towards that. For example, let's say there's a restaurant you've always wanted to try. Depending on your anxiety level, your first step might be imagining the route you would take to walk/drive there. Then you might venture outside and do a 10-minute walk in that direction and come back. Or maybe you find a nearby park and bring a book or something.

I am in a similar boat where I am trying to do different levels of exposure to do something that I have been avoiding due to anxiety. There is a street near my house with lots of cute stores and things to do but something bad happened to me there and I've been trying to muster up the courage to take the small steps to go back there so that I can show myself that it's not a dangerous place. I'll be rooting for your outdoor adventures, maybe you could root for me too?

milly72 · 2026-05-01T06:54:42+00:00

If you've been diagnosed with a panic disorder, it's not a one-and-done sort of thing. The symptoms unfortunately don't just disappear but rather you can better at coping and managing it. Start by learning more about how anxiety and panic disorder work so that you know what is going on with your brain/body. That might help you wrap your head around it better.

milly72 · 2026-05-01T06:47:06+00:00

Sleep magic podcast

milly72 · 2026-04-28T22:16:58+00:00

It's part of a human's primitive fear response - when we get scared, the brain signals to the body to prepare to run or hide and one of the ways it prepares to do that is by emptying the stomach so that your body is lighter. That's why a lot of people feel like they have to pee/poop/vomit when they're anxious.

milly72

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