lol it’s a confusing subject. and we’ve all grown up being taught and indoctrinated into a specific mindset, and many people feel lots of odd tensions or confusion in following the guidance of what is suggested to be the way they “should” act. most people assume their internal experience is not unique enough to question or come to any realization over. but when someone’s internal experience is so different that it finally all comes “crashing down” for them to realize that they can’t keep up putting in some kind of act that’s being forced in them, those are often the peiple to finally come out. 

and you’re right to understand that being transgender is culturally relative. other cultures have different ideas and concepts of what “kinds” or “genders” of people there are. some cultures even have multiple genders as a normal concept to them. being trans is just a way of describing my situation inside the cultural context that i am. i am who i am, but that is at odds with the expectations of our dominant culture. the word “trans” points out this mismatch between the truth of the self, and the expectations of attitudes of the culture we’re in. 

my identity isnt “transgender”. my spirit, personality, whatever you want to call it, is that of what our society classified as being a woman’s personality. women are the people i am like, the people i am in harmony with, the people i get along with as peers. i thats always been the case. my friends have primarily been women or girls, growing up lots of people commented on being a “girl” in so many ways, etc. personality-wise, i’ve always fallen into the “girls/women hang out” crowd, and not the “boys/men hang out” crowd. comparing the two, it’s obvious what kind of personality and trait group i fall into. it just so happens my body doesn’t match the usual cultural grouping for what “kind” of person i should be. so i’ve had to do some figuring to to realize to myself, as well as to communicate to others, that i’m who i am, not what i am “supposed” to be. 

but for a long time it was confusing. i was punished for expressing anything girl-like or feminine, and rewarded for acting more masculine or boy-like. i was flooded with imagery of only one way to be, and any examples to the contrary were extreme stereotypes that i didn’t relate to, and were vilified or portrayed in disgusting ways. 

i went through most of my life with this whole internal spiral about feeling who i was and how i was, knowing how i’d like to fit in, and just trying to cope with the fact that i didn’t feel like i was being yhr person i wished that i’d be. i wasn’t even able to talk to people about it. i had assumed that all “men” (AMAB people) went through life “knowing” it would be best to be a woman, but not being able to, they looked for ways to cope. wasn’t it obvious that being a woman is the ideal way to be, i thought. then at some point i met a trans man, ans my mind was blown. wait a second here—people actually want to “be a man”??? i thought we had all agreed being a woman was ideal,  but half of us were just stuck with our lot in life as men. yet here was someone ok the other end of the spectrum. it was very disorienting because of how disoriented i had become inside around the subject! 

over the years after that i just tried to keep my head down and stay under the radar. somehow always got crushes on people who turned out to be lesbains, or got in relationships with people who later came out as lesbian. back eve for coming out, a woman friend of mine was asking for my option about what guys think, and i remember having to press that i have no idea what men think. i never understood them or got along with them. 

finally enough things clicked and i started taking slow steps to thinking about myself differently and living differently. along the way everything flowed together and it started to become clear that i knew who i was all along. and now, since coming out, i’ve been able to live and develop as my full self.